Ex Wants To Remain Distant Friends

[br0kenheArt]

My boyfriend of three years dumped me this past spring claiming he had personal life stress issues. Later on, he said he didn't love me anymore and that he's completely over the relationship. He says he wants to be distant friends, meaning we only text each other once every two weeks. If he's moved on like he claims he has, why does he want to remain "distant friends?" Is he trying to keep me on the side until he finds someone else? Would you be "distant friends" with your ex? Any benefits?

[Always Pondering]

It's certainly a possibility. Exes becoming acquaintances years down the road is normal in my eyes once the dust has settled and both individuals have moved on in their lives.

 

In your case however, you're seeking something that he cannot give which is a relationship. He's made it clear he doesn't want one and therefore his needs don't meet yours. "Distant friendship" in this situation is basically signing a contract to never fully follow through with NC and to continually delay yourself from healing.

 

Cut ties with him.

[54JA]

I agree with always pondering. NC really is the most efficient way to recovery if you are ready to commit to NC. Some people go through the back and forth, casual hanging out, checking in, etc, because they are not ready to let go, even for the dumpers. Often times LC will cause problems like giving you false hope, perpetuating denial that it's over, etc. Some people say that dumpers often extend the offer of friendship to string their ex along, or to keep them from hooking up with someone else. Even if they did the dumping, they still can't handle the idea of their ex being with someone else, yet this does not mean that they are ready to return to them and commit. They just want to have the cake and eat it too.

 

I am so sorry you are going through this. I hope you are ready to begin your NC.

[mightycpa]

My boyfriend of three years dumped me this past spring claiming he had personal life stress issues. Later on, he said he didn't love me anymore and that he's completely over the relationship. He says he wants to be distant friends, meaning we only text each other once every two weeks. If he's moved on like he claims he has, why does he want to remain "distant friends?" Is he trying to keep me on the side until he finds someone else? Would you be "distant friends" with your ex? Any benefits?

 

You will naturally be distant friends when you don't give a damn anymore. But right now, not only are there no benefits, there is harm.

 

Suggest a little more distance than every two weeks. As in, "don't call me, I'll call you."

[Justaguy30]

My ex came to me saying she wanted to be friends and missed me and this and that. She actually didn't. I am still not sure what the point of all of that was. Once its over its over.

[d0nnivain]

The idea of distant friends is kind of dumb & defining it as texting every 2 weeks is arbitrary at best. I suspect it's some way of trying to soften the blow & not be a jerk but recognize that as new EXs you can't have the close daily contact of true friends.

 

Ignore the words & the parameters as set. Chalk it up to EX is not a complete jerk & hates to be the source of your pain. Try not to hate him but you don't have to text or contact him. In fact doing so will hurt you. If you bump into him be cordial but that's all.

[Ronni_W]

My boyfriend of three years dumped me this past spring ... He says he wants to be distant friends, meaning we only text each other once every two weeks.

He is being bloody ridiculous! WTF is "distant friends"??? The definition of 'friends' is being, or at least feeling, close and being free to be in contact if and when.

 

At the same time, would this arrangement work for you? At the end of the day, that's all that matters. Is this what you would define as some kind of 'friendship'? What benefits can you see that you would derive or might expect from what he is proposing?

 

I have been real/actual friends with an ex...meaning, in a nutshell, that I actually gave a crap about his crap, and he actually gave a crap about mine; and we would make time for each other if and when. But I, personally, would not find any benefits in what your ex has suggested...neither for myself nor for him.

Edited August 19, 2014 by Ronni_W
clarification

[Sweeetie]

My boyfriend of three years dumped me this past spring claiming he had personal life stress issues. Later on, he said he didn't love me anymore and that he's completely over the relationship. He says he wants to be distant friends, meaning we only text each other once every two weeks. If he's moved on like he claims he has, why does he want to remain "distant friends?" Is he trying to keep me on the side until he finds someone else? Would you be "distant friends" with your ex? Any benefits?

 

This is a very selfish thing for your ex to do. He is the one that ended the relationship, and has confirmed it is what he wants, so he knows that this will not benefit you in any way. If he cared about you, he would stay out of your life and let you heal. It might be his male ego wanting to have a miniscule hold on you so that you still remember him and don't go off with other guys- not because he wants you back, but because his ego would then be bruised.

 

Say to him something like this: "I'm sorry but since you have no intention of reconciling, the best thing for me would be to not hear from you for a few months to give me the chance to heal."

[br0kenheArt]

Thanks everyone for this helpful advice! For background, my ex claims he wants to be distant friends because he still cares about me, but says he doesn't love me and that he never wants to get back together again.