6 years relationship over,GF left me,feeling real desperate

[Closetotheedge]

Hi to everyone,this is my first post,i have been reading this forum for quite a while

but it is the first time i post something

and sorry for my english,i'm brazilian,but i will try my very best.

 

 

i'm 23,and i date this girl since my 17's,i had depression so as she,we met on a internet forum about depression,and hook up,she didn't have any friends,and had a lot of emotional problems,she was 5 years older than me,and had already 3 bf's,while i never dated anyone

 

the first year was a walk on the park,everything was good and dandy,we would saw each other on a daily basis,the sex was great,and i felt loved,for the first time

 

i don't know,its hard to explain,but i have a very very VERY low self-steem,and the irony is that i was a model for 3 years,even so,i always felt like i'm crap,and she made me feel special

 

but she started to change,she would have outburst of anger,calling me names,cursing me,telling it was all over,and then come back like nothing happened

 

she hated my friends,so i left all my friends to be withher(i know,stupid move ever)

 

i lived in part of town,far from her,so i left my mother house to live next to her,but she would never visit me there,she used a LOT of depression pills,and was always sleepy,lazy,wanted to stay home,or working in her family business,she indeed wanted to visi me,but always in the time would feel not in the mood or really tired

 

then later,due to her medication,her libido dropped to zero,and every time,we had sex,she would say i hurted her,and she developed a phobia of sex with me,thus,lowering even more my self-steemm,enduring some times 3,or 4 months without sex,feeling like i was such a piece of garbage,that i could not even offer sex to a woman.

 

due to me leaving my mothers home in such a young age,i ended up in a mountain of debt,and all alone without friends,only her,i lived for her smile,she was my sun and i would do anything to make her happy,to help her trough her depression and problems

 

and i held the relationship alone,with every turn she wanting to end the relationship,to be alone,saying i didn't make her happy,how unhappy she was with me

 

(i'm not trying to frame her as a wicked bicht to feel better,,i had my flaws as well,i was to needy,i did'nt had a car,sometimes i would insist on bringing her in evens with my friends she didn't like,or forget things she asked to me,i was not perfect, but i know in the long run she was not good for me)

 

she said she never loved me,and i was a fool for being with her,she only felt lonely and needed someone to be with her

 

but i didn't want to believe her,i always thought it was due to her depression and emotional problems,that deep down she loved me.

 

but this years,after a long series of break ups and coming back,she left me for good,saying she would never be happy with me,that she wants to have sex with another men,and would say very hurtful things to me if i dind't left her alone

 

i also have depression,even if try to hide it,it have been 2 weeks of nc of my part

 

but is no good, my only family is my mother,and she lives with her new husband and my half-brothers,i'm not welcome there

 

i have no more friends,only work colleagues,my financial life is a big mess

 

i know,i'm a man,i'm supposed to suck it up and move on,and i know she was bad for me,and i want her to be happy,even if this means to be with another man,she deservers a happy relationship,trully,but i still love her so much,and miss her so badly it hurts,my weekends alone are me lying on my bed,listening to music and crying(i know,pathetic)

 

i guess i want some one to help me,i'm really starting to think on suicide,really,my life lost the meaning for me

Edited August 10, 2014 by Closetotheedge

[Natsu21]

Don't kill yourself, that's for sure.

 

 

As for this...women come and go. Sorry but that's life...

 

instead of focusing on it ending, try your best to get yourself out of this debt.

[flight E]

First call your mother, explain what happened. Move back to your mums untill you get back on your feet. For the girlfriend leave her alone for now. When you are better you can think of her but for now think of yourself, you need help and killing yourself is very selfish because am sure your mother loves you. Why do you want to cause her sorrow

[Closetotheedge]

Thanks guys for the words,i'll indeed contact my mother about moving back until i fix my financial life,i feel a little better today,knowing that i've done everything in my reach to save the relationship.

[Downtown]

She didn't have any friends,and had a lot of emotional problems....

Close, welcome to the LoveShack forum. The "emotional problems" you describe -- i.e., verbal abuse, rapid flips between Jekyll (adoring you) and Hyde (devaluing you), inability to do self soothing, and temper tantrums -- are some of the classic warning signs for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). I caution, however, that BPD is considered to be a "spectrum disorder," which means every adult on the planet occasionally exhibits all of the BPD traits -- albeit at a low level if the person is healthy. At issue, then, is not whether your exGF exhibits such traits. Of course she does. We all do.

 

Rather, at issue is whether she exhibits them at a strong and persistent level. Not having met her, I cannot know the answer to that question. I nonetheless am confident that you can learn to spot any BPD red flags that occur by learning what behaviors to look for. There is nothing subtle about symptoms such as temper tantrums and verbal abuse.

 

The first year was a walk on the park ....but she started to change,she would have outburst of anger,calling me names,cursing me,telling it was all over,and then come back like nothing happened.

If she is a BPDer (i.e., has strong BPD traits), this behavior is to be expected. Typically, the honeymoon period is incredibly wonderful because the BPDer's infatuation over you holds her two great fears (abandonment and engulfment) at bay. As soon as the infatuation starts evaporating, however, her fears return and you will start triggering her anger and rages.

 

she hated my friends

Again, if she is a BPDer, this behavior is to be expected. A BPDer has such a great fear of abandonment that she will feel threatened by all close relationships you have that draw attention away from her. Moreover, to prevent abandonment, she will try to control most aspects of your life. That control is far easier to sustain if you have no close friends or family to support your views. This is why a BPDer typically will try to isolate you away from those supportive friends and family.

 

She would say i hurted her,and she developed a phobia of sex.

It is common, with BPDers, for the sex to go off a cliff right after the infatuation period ends. The main reason is that, because a BPDer has a fragile sense of who she is, she quickly feels controlled and suffocated right after intimacy. This fear of engulfment (i.e., losing her self identity in your strong personality) does not occur during the honeymoon period because, as I noted above, the infatuation holds her engulfment fear at bay.

 

i had depression so as she,we met on a internet forum about depression

Nearly all BPDers suffer from one or more "clinical disorders" such as depression, anxiety disorder, or bipolar. Of course, having depression does not by itself mean a person has strong BPD traits. Indeed, most depressed people do not have full blown BPD. I am only saying, then, that it is common for a BPDer to also suffer from depression. Specifically, about 80% of female BPDers suffer from at least one mood disorder and 36% of female BPDers suffer from major depressive disorder.

 

i'm really starting to think on suicide,really,my life lost the meaning for me

If your exGF really does have strong BPD traits, it is understandable that -- after dating her for six years -- you feel like you may be losing your mind. Of the 157 mental disorders listed in the APA's diagnostic manual, BPD is the one most notorious for making the abused partners feel like they are going crazy. This is why therapists see far more of those abused partners -- coming in to find out if they are losing their minds -- than they ever see of the BPDers themselves. Being treated badly by someone you know must love you is extremely disorienting and confusing. You mistakenly think that, if you can only figure out what it is YOU are doing wrong, you can restore her to that wonderful woman you saw at the beginning.

 

I want some one to help me

Close, I suggest that you see a psychologist -- for at least a visit or two by yourself -- to obtain professional guidance on how to strengthen your personal boundaries and your self esteem. I also suggest that, while you're looking for a good therapist, you read the book Codependent No More.

 

As to your exGF's emotional problems that you spoke of, I suggest you read about the typical BPD red flags at 18 BPD Warning Signs to see if most sound very familiar. If they do, I would suggest you also read my more detailed explanation of those warning signs in Rebel's Thread. If that discussion rings many bells, I would be glad to discuss them with you. I suspect you are going to realize that you dodged a bullet when your exGF left you. Take care, Close.

[Closetotheedge]

Close, welcome to the LoveShack forum. The "emotional problems" you describe -- i.e., verbal abuse, rapid flips between Jekyll (adoring you) and Hyde (devaluing you), inability to do self soothing, and temper tantrums -- are some of the classic warning signs for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). I caution, however, that BPD is considered to be a "spectrum disorder," which means every adult on the planet occasionally exhibits all of the BPD traits -- albeit at a low level if the person is healthy. At issue, then, is not whether your exGF exhibits such traits. Of course she does. We all do.

 

Rather, at issue is whether she exhibits them at a strong and persistent level. Not having met her, I cannot know the answer to that question. I nonetheless am confident that you can learn to spot any BPD red flags that occur by learning what behaviors to look for. There is nothing subtle about symptoms such as temper tantrums and verbal abuse.

 

If she is a BPDer (i.e., has strong BPD traits), this behavior is to be expected. Typically, the honeymoon period is incredibly wonderful because the BPDer's infatuation over you holds her two great fears (abandonment and engulfment) at bay. As soon as the infatuation starts evaporating, however, her fears return and you will start triggering her anger and rages.

 

Again, if she is a BPDer, this behavior is to be expected. A BPDer has such a great fear of abandonment that she will feel threatened by all close relationships you have that draw attention away from her. Moreover, to prevent abandonment, she will try to control most aspects of your life. That control is far easier to sustain if you have no close friends or family to support your views. This is why a BPDer typically will try to isolate you away from those supportive friends and family.

 

It is common, with BPDers, for the sex to go off a cliff right after the infatuation period ends. The main reason is that, because a BPDer has a fragile sense of who she is, she quickly feels controlled and suffocated right after intimacy. This fear of engulfment (i.e., losing her self identity in your strong personality) does not occur during the honeymoon period because, as I noted above, the infatuation holds her engulfment fear at bay.

 

Nearly all BPDers suffer from one or more "clinical disorders" such as depression, anxiety disorder, or bipolar. Of course, having depression does not by itself mean a person has strong BPD traits. Indeed, most depressed people do not have full blown BPD. I am only saying, then, that it is common for a BPDer to also suffer from depression. Specifically, about 80% of female BPDers suffer from at least one mood disorder and 36% of female BPDers suffer from major depressive disorder.

 

If your exGF really does have strong BPD traits, it is understandable that -- after dating her for six years -- you feel like you may be losing your mind. Of the 157 mental disorders listed in the APA's diagnostic manual, BPD is the one most notorious for making the abused partners feel like they are going crazy. This is why therapists see far more of those abused partners -- coming in to find out if they are losing their minds -- than they ever see of the BPDers themselves. Being treated badly by someone you know must love you is extremely disorienting and confusing. You mistakenly think that, if you can only figure out what it is YOU are doing wrong, you can restore her to that wonderful woman you saw at the beginning.

 

Close, I suggest that you see a psychologist -- for at least a visit or two by yourself -- to obtain professional guidance on how to strengthen your personal boundaries and your self esteem. I also suggest that, while you're looking for a good therapist, you read the book Codependent No More.

 

As to your exGF's emotional problems that you spoke of, I suggest you read about the typical BPD red flags at 18 BPD Warning Signs to see if most sound very familiar. If they do, I would suggest you also read my more detailed explanation of those warning signs in Rebel's Thread. If that discussion rings many bells, I would be glad to discuss them with you. I suspect you are going to realize that you dodged a bullet when your exGF left you. Take care, Close.

 

Man,i can't say how i appreciate your reply,i never thought of BPD,i have read the topics you pointed to me in your post,and at least 90% sounds familiar

 

blaming me for every misfortune,not aprecciating the sacrifices i did for her,and always demanding more,it was never enough

 

but i'm indeed feeling like going crazy,like you said,now i have,deep down in me,the sense tha i'm the problem,that i'm the worst kind of people and i'm unable to have a relationship to anyone,i feel broken like a person

 

i do want to see a psychologist,but i don't have the money right now,here a session is very expensive,but i'm really avoiding being alone,i deleted her from all my social media,photos,gifts,etc

 

she texted me yesterday,asking how i'm doing and if i want to say anything more to her before she moves on,and by move on,i think it's another guy,but i will not text her back,i think she's trying to manipulate,to make me crawl again at her feet in some twisted cruel mind game

 

i don't think i can help her with the BPD,the only thing i think i should do now is kill al my feelings for her,and like you said,be grateful for dodging a bullet i think.

[SoThatHappened]

Closetotheedge,

 

First off, thanks to Downtown again. He helped me when I first came here after dealing with a possible BPD'er.

 

If you can't afford therapy, keep yourself glued to these forums. This place was the primary thing that helped me after the breakup.

 

I didn't eat well for weeks and was a wreck. I was on here nearly 24/7.

 

Over 2 months later and I'm out of the fog. Not saying that it will happen that quickly for you, but you WILL get there if you heed the advice on this forum.

 

You may have made mistakes in the relationship, but you weren't the "problem." If she does have BPD, she has more problems than you want to deal with.

 

Good job deleting everything. Get rid of everything you possibly can that will remind you of her. Everything.

 

Do everything you can think of to avoid seeing her on any form of social media. I went so far as to delete my Facebook, MyLife, LinkedIn, etc.

 

I got the same type of texts immediately after the breakup, followed by a long email, then another email 2 months after the breakup.

 

You will very likely get breadcrumbs from her. Ignore them!!!

 

You dodged a bullet. It still hurts like heck, I know, but you're sooooo much better off. It'll take a while to realize it because your heart is running things now.

 

Through time, no contact, and improving yourself, your head will start to catch up and you'll realize you're better off.

 

Good luck, and sorry you're going through this. You will get through it though, trust me.

[Poppyolive]

You need to focus on you and only you. You are most definitely codependent and have a lot of issues to work through.

 

what about you? What about taking care of you?

[Downtown]

i never thought of BPD,i have read the topics you pointed to me in your post,and at least 90% sounds familiar

Close, I'm glad to hear you found the information on BPD warning signs to be helpful. It is good knowledge to have, particularly when you are looking for a mate. The incidence of full-blown BPD in the general population is 6% and, because BPDers generally do not have LTRs with other BPDers, about 12% of relationships involve one BPDer (together with an abused partner). Those figures are higher still when you include the people who have strong BPD traits which fall short of the diagnostic criteria for having full-blown BPD.

 

she said she never loved me,and i was a fool for being with her,she only felt lonely and needed someone to be with her....but i didn't want to believe her

You were smart not to believe her. If she has strong BPD traits as you suspect, she likely did sincerely love you -- albeit in the immature way that a young child is able to love. Yet, because a BPDer does frequent black-white thinking, she will alternate between "splitting you white" (i.e., loving you) and "splitting you black" (i.e., devaluing or even hating you). Moreover, a BPDer can flip between those two states in just ten seconds. Then, a day or week or six months later, she can flip back just as quickly.

 

Because a BPDer's self image is too fragile to tolerate strong mixed feelings and ambiguities, she will "split off" the conflicting feelings, putting them out of reach of her conscious mind. The result is that, when a BPDer is angry with you, she usually is totally out of touch with the loving feelings she has for you.

 

If this splitting behavior seems strange, please keep in mind that we all do it to some degree. It will be most evident when you are experiencing very intense feelings because those feelings will distort your perception of other peoples' intentions and motivations. Because BPDers experience intense feelings far more frequently (due to their inability to control their own emotions), they also will exhibit splitting behavior -- i.e., black-white thinking -- far more frequently.

 

I'm indeed feeling like going crazy, like you said, now i have,deep down in me, the sense tha i'm the problem, that i'm the worst kind of people and i'm unable to have a relationship to anyone, i feel broken like a person.

Close, perhaps you are broken and crazy. After all, anything is possible. Yet, if you've been dating a BPDer for six years, "crazy" and "broken" is exactly how you should be feeling. Most men who are stumbling out of a long-term BPDer relationship are very confused and disoriented. Hence, if you are correct about your exGF having strong BPD traits, you likely will start feeling much better about yourself in a few months.

 

i'm not trying to frame her as a wicked bicht to feel better,,i had my flaws as well

It is admirable that you are sufficiently self aware to see that the toxicity in your relationship was not something SHE was doing to you. Even if she is a BPDer, that toxicity is something you BOTH were doing to each other. Her contribution to the toxicity -- e.g., temper tantrums and verbal abuse -- are easy to see. Your contributions -- as an excessive caregiver who ended up being an "enabler" due to your low self esteem and low personal boundaries -- is harder to see. You would have seen it sooner but you likely were blinded by the mistaken belief you were actually helping her.

 

The problem with being an excessive caregiver like you and me is NOT that we want to help people. Rather, it is that we are willing to keep doing so even when it is to our great detriment -- and even when our efforts are futile or counter-productive. We do this because our desire to be needed (for what we can do) far exceeds our desire to be loved (for the men we already are). It thus is important for us to learn how to establish strong personal boundaries and enforce them.

 

i do want to see a psychologist, but i don't have the money right now.

I was afraid that was the case, given the debts you are dealing with. This is why I suggested the book Codependent No More. I believe you will find it very helpful in learning how to make yourself happy instead of relying on some partner to do it for you. It also will explain why, if you want to have a happy marriage, it is important to find a woman who already is happy. It took me 15 years to understand that it is impossible to make an unhappy person feel happy for any extended period.

 

If your exGF somehow ends up back in your life, or if you find yourself with another suspected BPDer, I would recommend you read Stop Walking on Eggshells, which is the best-selling BPD book targeted to the abused partners. Moreover, BPDfamily.com has a resources page offering about 15 excellent, free articles targeted to those abused partners.

[Closetotheedge]

hello guys,thanks again downtown, for the amazing posts and caring

 

here's a quick update

 

last week,she texted me again,saying she loved me,but as a friend,she wants to remain close bla bla bla

 

,and she got me in her trap

 

then in the very momment i started to text her about our past,our connection,family, she said:

 

"we have no connection,i don't love you"

 

she just tossed me a breadcrumb,and in the momment that i gave her what she wanted,the cold heart returned

 

you guys warned me,but as always,i'm stupid and weak

 

now it's 1 week NC since this,still feeling pathetic and broken,but focusing on my career and studies

 

some ladies have been showing interest in me,but i'm not ready to get involved with girls right now

 

this will take a long long LONG time to heal

[Downtown]

Close, thanks for returning to give us an update. I was wondering how you are doing. I agree with you that it is wise to delay dating until you start feeling better about yourself. And I agree that it is important to stay NC so you can heal. If your exGF is a BPDer, she likely will begin trying to suck you back into the relationship at some point.

[Closetotheedge]

Hello forum, downtown

 

wanna thanks you guys again

 

i'm reading this forum almost everyday, it's the only thing that is keeping me together.

 

well,no more breadcrumbs from her ,and i'm still in NC, for,i don't know,maybe 2 months already

 

not feeling good these days,some days i manage to forget her, even been grateful tha she left me, and i dodged a bullet, by not being with such a toxic woman.

 

but some days,out of the blue, like a punch in the face,i can't stop the feeling that besides all the problems and the terrible way she treated me i still love her

 

and thats the problem, like downtown said,excessive caregiver

 

i know all her flaws,problems that most of men would never accept

(she was dumped 3 times in a row, before me, and many of her lifelong friends had left her as well claiming she was toxic)

 

and yet i love her, because to mee, love is a very strong word,it's unconditional, you stay with the person,supporting her,no matter what,loyalty, and it hurts to see that in the end i'm nothing to her, she is already with another man, some friends saw them together

 

it's very hard to accept how little i meant to her, after all i have done to hel her in her problems

 

i remember, one day in one of our many many fights, she said that she was only with me because she felt lonely, never wanted to accept this as truth,that i was only "tool", to her to feel better

 

i feel like i wasted 6 years of my life, on a person who don't deserve

 

all the things i have done to help her, it was nothing i've been kicked out like a street dog.

 

i don't know,just a rant,maybe i'm on the angry stage right now..

 

i'm going out with some girls, having a good time, but i don't feel any emotion, is just sex, i'm afraid to be emotionally impaired by this.

Edited September 17, 2014 by Closetotheedge

[Chi townD]

If you read this site, then tell me some of the positive changes you've made for yourself.

[Closetotheedge]

you're right, sorry for just shoving my problems without feedback

 

i've been able to pay most of my debts, thanks to my friends and my mother

 

i'm starting my own business, and it's going pretty good,was a dream of mine for a long time

(a art gallery, with 2 partners)

 

going to the gym as well and finally learning to play piano

 

i'm keeping myself pretty busy,don't get me wrong, i'm not in the bed all day without doing nothing

 

i'm becoming a better person, and most of all,it's the piano,learning a new skill,a new passion,it's what keep me hapy most of the times i start to feel depressed.

 

events like this are always a opportunity to make some big life changes, i just had a overflown of emotions i guess, because i'm really working my ass off to stay positive

Edited September 17, 2014 by Closetotheedge

[Chi townD]

you're right, sorry for just shoving my problems without feedback

 

i've been able to pay most of my debts, thanks to my friends and my mother

 

i'm starting my own business, and it's going pretty good,was a dream of mine for a long time

(a art gallery, with 2 partners)

 

going to the gym as well and finally learning to play piano

 

i'm keeping myself pretty busy,don't get me wrong, i'm not in the bed all day without doing nothing

 

i'm becoming a better person, and most of all,it's the piano,learning a new skill,a new passion,it's what keep me hapy most of the times i start to feel depressed.

 

events like this are always a opportunity to make some big life changes, i just had a overflown of emotions i guess, because i'm really working my ass off to stay positive

 

 

 

 

Dude, no need to apologize! I just wanted you to list all the positive things you're doing! I though you need to list those positive things out to get a better perspective on all the negative you've been writing.

 

 

Hell, I speculate that it felt good writing that stuff out. I'm hoping that it gave you a sense of accomplishment. Something that you're proud of. And hopefully, open your eyes to the fact that you may FEEL down, but you're definitely not out.

 

 

It's important to continue to make those positive changes. Travel a little. Go see something new and get inspired.

[Downtown]

I'm still in NC, for, i don't know,maybe 2 months already

Great news, Close! You're holding strong, enforcing your boundaries.

 

not feeling good these days, some days i manage to forget her, even been grateful that she left me, and i dodged a bullet, by not being with such a toxic woman.

Emotional healing is not a linear process, Close. You don't feel a little bit better each day. Rather, it proceeds in fits and starts and, some days, you'll wake up and feel like you're right back where you started. Don't believe that feeling. Those bad days will get spaced farther and farther apart as time goes on. You are healing and making progress even though your feelings are sometimes turbulent.

 

i can't stop the feeling that besides all the problems and the terrible way she treated me i still love her.

There is no reason you should stop that feeling. Loving is not a bad thing. The reason you maintain NC is not because you hate her but, rather, because you need time and space in which to heal on your own.

 

To me, love is a very strong word, it's unconditional, you stay with the person, supporting her,no matter what.

Close, you've been watching too many Hollywood movies. Unconditional love exists only in a parent's feeling toward his own child. Healthy, mature, adult love -- by its very nature -- should be conditional on your being treated respectfully and considerately. Hence, if you want a parent/child relationship, go for unconditional love. If you want a husband/wife relationship, however, go for conditional love.

 

it's very hard to accept how little i meant to her, after all i have done to help her in her problems.

If she is a BPDer, her "reality" is whatever intense feelings she's experiencing at the moment. Those feelings are so intense in BPDers that they push aside other feelings. The result is that it is impossible to build up a lasting store of appreciation or good will on which you can later draw during hard times. Hence, with BPDers, it's always "What have you done for me lately?" This doesn't mean they are bad people. Instead, it means they have the emotional development of a four year old. Young children exhibit this same behavior.

 

Moreover, it is important to keep in mind that the toxicity in your relationship is not something SHE did to you. Rather, it is something you BOTH did to each other. Her contributions to the toxicity (e.g., the verbal abuse and rages) are easy to see. Your contributions (e.g., being the excessive caregiver and enabler) are harder to see because you felt, all along, that you were only trying to help her.

 

i remember, one day in one of our many many fights, she said that she was only with me because she felt lonely, never wanted to accept this as truth,that i was only "tool", to her to feel better.

If she is a BPDer, this selfish comment does not mean she really felt this way about you earlier. A BPDer lacks "object constancy," i.e., lacks the ability to perceive of you as person whose personality remains unchanged from week to week. Instead of seeing you as constant, she will see you as greatly changing from month to month. Her perception of you will change radically -- flipping from one polar extreme to the other -- because her changing feelings are so intense they will distort her perception of you.

 

I'm afraid to be emotionally impaired by this.

Yes, but the impairment is only temporary. You are already healing and recovering. Moreover, your six-year investment in the woman likely has given you an insight into basic human behaviors and motivations that few men ever achieve in a lifetime.

 

i'm starting my own business, and it's going pretty good,was a dream of mine for a long time (a art gallery, with 2 partners), going to the gym as well and finally learning to play piano.

Congratulations on the bold decision to start a business and to work out in the gym. As to the piano lessons, I hope you are far more successful than I was. I took lessons for over a year when I was a kid but I was terrible at finding time to actually practice. The result was that my piano teacher eventually quit me because he was embarrassed to be taking my parents' money.

[SoThatHappened]

Nail on the head again. Thanks, Downtown.

 

Close, I (and many others on this forum) can relate to the up and down days. As Downtown said, it's not a linear process. I was doing great at 2 months post-breakup, then hit a bad spell for about a week for whatever reason.

 

I can relate 100% to what you said about you being grateful she left, that you dodged a bullet, and that she's toxic.

 

I KNOW I'm better off. I KNOW she was toxic and that I dodged a bullet. That doesn't matter to the heart though, so don't feel bad about setbacks here and there. Your head is still catching up, and will continue to catch up with time.

 

Also, don't worry about what you think you meant to her. That's just being hard on yourself when you should be much easier on yourself. You had to mean a lot to her for her to stay with you for that long. I couldn't last 7 months... you lasted 6 years. Wow. You deserve a medal.

 

Be good to yourself and don't fill your head with thoughts that are negative. You're doing well and will get there eventually.

[Closetotheedge]

you guys are right

 

seriously, i cannot even BEGIN to say how much i appreciate the guidance and help of you downtown, chi'town ,sothathappened, and everyone else

 

with little money to seek profissional help, you guys are a light on the darkness, really

 

you are right downtown,the we both are toxic in our own ways

 

i have to set my boundaries on a relationship

 

i did not thought that by enforcing NC, i was enforcing my boundaries as well, now i'm a little proud of myself.

 

and yes, love between adults should be conditional, i just felt, betrayed you know ?like, she was my best friend, how could she do that to ME?

 

STH

 

i don't know,these 6 years, i was too afraid, too weak to left her, she had to be the one to break the relationship, sometimes i see myself as a coward,and the pain i'm feeling now as a last gift from her,to be stronger, to be a better man to my next girl

 

thanks again guys,and sorry for any spelling errors, my first language is portuguese .

[SoThatHappened]

Don't sweat the grammar/spelling errors. There are people whose first language is English and I don't know how they made it through high school.

 

I understand what you may mean when you say you were "too weak" to leave her. Maybe it's not that you were weak, but you were ignoring things that should have set off alarm bells in your head. Maybe you were pushing things under the rug because you really did love her.

 

It's a weakness, for sure. I'm guilty of it myself. I ignored red flags that were screaming at me (her best friends telling me to be careful, that she's a gold-digging user. Her ex-boyfriend actually wanting to call me to warn me about her. Her own sisters telling me that she's a piece of crap).

 

And I stayed. I was pussy-whipped to a degree, but surely it will be different with me right?

 

Use this as a learning experience, better yourself, and yes, be better for the next girl.

[Bella2]

you guys warned me,but as always,i'm stupid and weak

 

 

You're not stupid, you're not weak. We've probably all fallen for a bread crumb and afterwards regretting it big time (been there ).

 

You have low self esteem. You're aware of it. That's great, because now you can work on it!

 

And keep repeating the phrase: This Too Shall Pass.

[Downtown]

You are right downtown,the we both are toxic in our own ways.

Close, I think there is a big difference between a person's behavior and the person himself. Hence, when I said your enabling behavior contributed to the toxicity of the relationship, I did not mean to imply YOU are a toxic person. Indeed, I don't even regard BPDers as toxic people. They behave like young children, having little control over their emotions. I don't know anyone who regards young children as "toxic."

 

i did not thought that by enforcing NC, i was enforcing my boundaries as well, now i'm a little proud of myself.

A little? Make that "a lot" proud of yourself. Because BPDers have a childlike purity of expression, it is extremely difficult for caregivers like us to walk away from them. It took me 15 years to pull that off. Even after my exW had me arrested on a bogus charge and thrown into jail, I STILL was unwilling to divorce her until -- six months later -- I saw her testify against me in court and in front of my step children. Until then, I simply could not believe she was capable of such a betrayal.

 

i just felt, betrayed you know ?

Yes, I know all too well. You were betrayed.

 

Sometimes i see myself as a coward.

That is just a feeling. Don't believe it. For excessive caregivers like us, the problem is not that we are cowards. Rather, it is that we are willing to rush into situations where other men fear to tread. We are the guys who are running to help the wounded birds of life. We ignore the fact that other men are running in the opposite direction. When we find a woman like that, we keep trying to help even when it is to our great detriment to do so. We are willing to sacrifice ourselves to do so.

 

We don't get to be this way due to fear or cowardice. Instead, it usually is because we are raised by a parent who emotionally relies on us at a young age, causing us to grow up too quickly -- becoming the "little man" or "fixer" of the family. It also is caused by our growing up in a society that teaches young men that they must be willing to sacrifice themselves for the country in a war -- and by churches that teach us that being willing to sacrifice yourself for others is the only sure way of getting to heaven. Cowardice therefore plays no role in our development of an excessive caregiver attitude.

 

Sorry for any spelling errors, my first language is portuguese.

Actually, I am envious. Because English is so widely spoken around the world, we Americans tend to be "language poor" -- being able to speak and write only one language. I therefore have great admiration for folks who are able to speak two or three languages. Moreover, as STH observed, you write better English than many Americans do.

[Closetotheedge]

I can't even begin to imagine what is to be put in jail by the person you once loved

 

you're right again, i was raised by a single mother, and my father was always rude and violent to her, he used to beat her up in front of me, and i always wanted to help her, but was not able

 

maybe i tried to help my ex to make things right in my mind, i don't know

but yes, i was ready to jump in front of a bullet for her if needed

 

these last few days, i'm felling very hollow, i was seeing other woman, this last week she said she loves me, and that made me run from her, she only know me for a month, she dosen't know me, and i really don't feel ready to date again,or to have a rebound

 

society, our families, they all force you to aim to the "Perfect social image", the nice job, the good car, and of course, a woman on your side, don't matter who the person is, it's all good if you satisfy all the society demands.

 

my mother is urging me to have another GF, but i don't want to, even having sex with another woman right now just seems a waste of time and energy for me

 

i plan on going low profile for a bit, let people think i'm a weirdo, or a loser, whatever, just focusing on me

 

stop being a caregiver, and sacrificing myself for others.

[Downtown]

I really don't feel ready to date again,or to have a rebound.

Close, thanks for giving us another update. You are wise to be focusing on your own needs right now. When my 15-year marriage ended, it took me over two years before I had any desire to date again. The longer the toxic relationship, the longer it takes to heal from it. Given that you had a six-year relationship, it is not surprising that it may take you a year or so before you feel good about dating again. If your family members cannot understand that, it is their problem. Moreover, you've got a new business to get off the ground. Be proud of all the things you're accomplishing!

[Closetotheedge]

Hello folks, i'll give a little update on my situation, if it may serve as help for anyone

 

i'm still in NC (Since august ) with my exGF, and didn't receive any breadcrumb

 

wich is allright, she has moved on, didn't look back, at first i was really hurt about this, the fact that she didn't even look back for a moment, but as you guys well know, the dumpers have settled their minds long before the BU.

 

i'm doing better, the image of her in my mind is fading, my deep love for her as well, i'm being able to see her bad side better, the awful way she treated me, the hurtful words,

 

she is a good person in the core of her beign, but her behavior with me was not, and even if part of it was my own fault for allowing her to treat me in such way as a excessive care giver, still is awful to treat anybody like this, much less your significant other.

 

and i know much of the "Longing" it's my hurt ego, still angry for being rejected, since i'm growing everyday more sure that if, some day, she wanted to patch things up, i would refuse her on the spot.

 

 

i'll not lie, somedays i still wake up thinking on her of missing her, but i soon remember the bad things.

 

today as one of these days, i was feeling very lonely (i was dating with 2 girls, but, i don't feel nothing for them), so i was thinking of sending my EX, on christimas, a email(or sms) wishing her merry x-mas

 

so i came here to read this post again, and realize that by doing this, she'll lose even more respect for me, and see me as weak.

 

and realized today that i miss her more as a friend, having someone to tell bits about your day, joke around, hear and being heard

 

for i'm not in anyway wanting to experience the same hell ride again, that is a romantic relationship with her.

 

besides she must be with other guy by now. making the same thing to him as she did to me, badmouthing her "ex's" and telling this guy how wonderfull he is, that he is her savior, starting the cycle again

 

this thought makes me fell less like a person, and more like a tool.

 

 

it's about 6 months since our break up

 

and at the same time as i'm finally getting over her, i'm feeling really cold about relationships in general,

 

like, is non sense to invest your time, heart, feelings in one person, just to be hurt and discarded as soon as you are not convenient any longer

 

becoming a little bitter a i guess

i hope is temporary, i'm still young, and i would still want to have a wife, kids, to give my mother grand children, but every day this sound more like a obligation to me

 

 

that's it people!! thanks for hearing me out again!!

Edited December 7, 2014 by Closetotheedge

[Downtown]

it's about 6 months since our break up and ...i'm feeling really cold about relationships in general.... i hope is temporary

Yes, it is temporary, Close. After your being in a 6 year relationship with an abusive, unstable woman, don't be surprised if it takes you another 6 months to start wanting to date again. In my case, it took me two years to start dating again after a 15 year marriage to my BPDer exW. The healing process takes time. But it sounds like you are progressing very well.