Dork Vader Posted July 30, 2014 Posted July 30, 2014 (edited) Long read and I'm sorry for that. So a few months ago I ran into a woman I had known in high school. I will admit I did not remember who she was. But she remembered me that was about it (or all she'd admit too). We hit it off and the dating was going great for about 3 months... She then got drunk. Black out drunk one night. While she was drunk she spoke of this guy clint. I could not make it out entirely but it seemed like she was saying there was more to him and that she did not want me to find out about it. That made me a tad curious but what pushed me over the edge was.. They were constantly texting each other. She had given me access to her phone and ipad. I gave her access to mine I had nothing to hide and told her she was more then welcome to snoop. But if she did find anything that concerned her to talk to me about it as it could be very very old. She like wise told me she did not care if I did but if I saw anything up setting to talk to her about it. Now I would not have snooped BUT she okay'd it. Now this will become important. About 2 weeks before my 30th birthday she had a "girls night" with her girl friends. It was basically them hanging out and drinking at one of her girl friends places. While there they all decided to make whipped cream bikinis and take photos of the entire process. She told me all about it and even showed me the pictures.. Clint is her best friends (Merlena's) Husband. My 30th Birthday rolls around on a Sunday. But that Friday I could no longer resist and decided to snoop and look at what had been going on between her and Clint. She had sent Clint every single picture from the whipped cream bikinis. She even went as far as to point out who she was.. When I dropped her off for the girls night (it was at Clint and Merlena's house) Merlena was not there.. She texted him "are you home?" "yeah why?" I'm here for you.. There was a TON of inappropriate texting. At some point (months before we started dating) she told him "if I could find a man who is half the man you are I'd be a lucky girl." A lot of "you forgot me.. no you forgot me" stuff like that and a lot of sexual conversation. She even compared me to him.. Saying I was a lot like him.. So deal breaker.. I called her and told her things were over. She convinced me to come talk to her the next day in person. When I was there I decided I could not leave the relationship. In my mind I have been to hard on some of my ex'es and not forgiving.. I thought it might be one speed bump and things will settle out, she could still be a loyal loving woman. She then justified everything as joking. At best all I could get was that "some" of it was inappropriate and it was joking that went to far. I'd repeatedly ask where do you draw the line? Her claim was physical. She did seem to lie.. She had sent him other pictures (long before we met).. When I asked if she had ever sent him any others she said no.. When I asked well what about these ones? She said she "forgot"... Who forgets that? At one point she asked me to quit talking to a female friend named Evanie. This friend I've known for over 12 years and yes it had gotten physical between the two of us a few times. But the last time it did was about 7 months before me and my girl friend met. My then girl friend wanted me to quit talking to her about "us" due to the fact that she felt this "friend" would give me jaded advice. I know/knew this friend well. I knew/know she would not give me bad advice. But seeing that it was a spot of conflict I put an end to the friendship. I also know that at some point in the future this friendship will have to end. While she is not someone I am romantically interested in.. The fact that we have been physical will complicate things. At some point I finally agreed to not talk about the sexting anymore close the door and move forward and give her a second chance.. So I did.. She agreed to never sext another man again.. Things were getting back to normal again.. Then all the sudden I come down with a fairly serious STD... Turns out the doctors told me they were nearly positive that she gave it to me.. But that it was possible (yet unlikely) that it had been in my system for a while and just now showed up. Knowing the relationship was strained I took the blame despite the fact that 2 doctors told me I got it from her. I now know for near certainty that she gave it to me. Based on what my physician told me and the way my ex responded when I told her.. She did not really care or get up set. This is something I will now have for life and have to deal with. Who would not be up set about that? She did occasionally get up set but when I first told her response was that's all? The above caused a TON of strain for weeks.. In the middle of the above I figured out I had dated her ex husbands current girl friend. When I figured it out it was in front of her best friend. Her friend asked if I had dated her I said yes (not wanting to lie). My girl friend then told me I feel like I should get to fool around with a friend of yours.. Ouch.. I said well I dated her when I was 18 this is not fair to me. I'm not vindictive like that if you are you need to find someone else.. She got over it real quick. How ever I was still hurt by what she said. When I told her it was a concern and that I was still some what hurt by it. She comes and hit's me with this long list of things I need to change. Work harder, keep my house "cleaner" and all this stuff. No problem.. I take care of all of it. Despite the fact that I was still physically sick from what she gave me. She also told me at some point that she had fooled around with her bothers best friend. It was a one time thing.. But what she did not tell me (and I knew this from snooping) was she felt no regret about it and would do it again.. It happened in January but still.. If you can't respect your friend and family's friendships and relationships.. How will you ever respect your own? Red flag!! I could possibly understand a one time drunken thing in which you feel remorse and shame.. But neither? Things seemed to be settling out again despite the fact that we would have spats here and there.. One night I finally felt there are a lot of double standards. I told her it was not fair to me that she have a female friend who was morally bankrupt (this woman was and all her friends agreed). That same female friend had pursued a relationship with my girl friend. My girl friend had at one point in the past invited her to have "fun" with her and her FWB and so on.. I told my girl friend at the very least quit talking to her about US and limit your contact with her. She agreed... yet would continue to talk to her about "us" Things start to go semi well... Next thing I know a few of her old FWB start texting. She told me they were... One in particular would not stop despite her not responding. I finally said look he's going through a hard time (he just got released from an MLB contract for pitching). Just tell him you have a boy friend.. She told him she was seeing someone and things were over between them.. He then started to beg for one last video/sexting.. That was on the 4th of July.. She finally obliged and made him a nice video while we were with my family at my brothers. I saw her fiddling with her phone and asked what was going on.. She said ending things with him.. I said can I see and saw the truth.. She went ballistic blaming me saying I gave her no privacy, that it was my fault because I told her to tell him she had a boy friend and so on.. What she did not know I knew.. Was she told Angela (the morally bankrupt friend) about it.. And Angela suggested end things on a good note and keep him happy incase things between you and your boy friend fall apart.. Her response was I agree 100%. I ended things the next day in person. She begged me to come stay the night so she would not be a lone and I could not say no.. We agreed to start dating.. The next Friday she hits me with I don't get how you are not okay with me doing that to end things with the Baseball player.. Yet you dated an exotic dancer.. (that was over 8 years ago) and constant justification of her actions. Umm I was 22 when that happened and just having fun. She also had no relationship with those men, no history.. Next day I end things. We decide to give things a go again after a week of me ignoring her.. Go into this sort of gray area of dating and trying to find a way to move forward. We had plans for a date Friday night and Saturday night she was going out with some friends for a friends B-day. But she asked if I'd pick her up at the end of the night and stay with her. I said sure.. We go on the date things went so/so at best. But suddenly she starts to rescind the invite to pick her up.. Saying I might stay the night at my friends.. I don't know when I'll home.. I don't want to be texting all night and blah blah blah. I said fine have fun with your friends if you want me to get you text me and I'll come.. If it doesn't work it out it does not. next day we talked about it again.. Then she was distant and cold the entire day.. I finally get sick of trying to keep the conversation a live. Did not respond to her last text which was a whole 3 words and impossible to respond too. I decide I'm not going to sit around and wait for her I know she's not going to call. So I hang out with Evanie down town we have a few drinks. I picked up the friendship again due to things basically being over between me and Ashley and us being in the gray zone. Around 11:30 I get a I'm checking out peace. Next day nothing I finally called her on Sunday night and asked what was going on.. According her she thought I was mad about Saturday night. She said she had been waiting for me to text her.. And all this BS.. I told her I had been waiting on her.. She made it fairly clear she did not want to see me that night. But she claims other wise.. I said I hung out with Ev and had a few beers.. She seemed a lil up set but okay.. Next day she tells me I'm not a man of my word and she is done. Mostly because I hung out with Evanie.. I had promised I would not talk to her anymore. But due to the circumstances of her basically flaking on me and the relationship basically being over I saw no wrong in it. Finally at this point I've had enough and went off.. I wont say how or why or what I said but I was not very nice.. There was a lot more that went on. A lot of red flags.. As I'm sure you can see.. She constantly justified EVERYTHING. She would constantly hammer me about her friend Clint just being a friend and that it was just joking. Even after I had agreed not to talk about it anymore. Anything and everything she did wrong I'd get an I'm sorry.. But with in 2-3 days it would turn into justification, defensiveness then I'd be doing something wrong.. I know I've dodged a bullet so to speak. I know this woman has/had a lot of issues. All my friends say she is an immature, lying, cheating, and numerous other negative things.. But I still can't help but wonder if she'll ever look back with regret? I still can't help but miss the good times I had with her. I should have been a man stuck to my guns.. Ending things and been firm about my opinion stance. But deep down I saw some good in her.. I was just hoping I'd get her to see to the toxic place she was in.. Perhaps some day her world of toxic relationships will come crashing down and she'll grow up.. Until then I assume she'll justify everything. O well on to bigger and better things I suppose.. Someone who treats me right. Someone that is mature.. It's just a bummer she came so close to the mark.. Her promiscuous behavior destroyed everything. I know I made some mistakes.. But I truly gave her everything she asked until the gray zone.. Once there I had decided I would not again throw Evanie under the buss until me and Ashley were on very stable ground again.. I know I made some mistakes but they were fairly normal dating mistakes. Perhaps I should not have hung out with Ev.. But it's not really fair for me to have toss away a 12 year friendship while she has all these promiscuous friendships going.. Edited July 31, 2014 by Dork Vader
irresolute Posted July 31, 2014 Posted July 31, 2014 Sorry. Just too long and tangled. Op:she gave you a serious std and cheated repeatedly. She lied to you in your face over and over again. What kind of advice are you looking for???
SoThatHappened Posted July 31, 2014 Posted July 31, 2014 Sorry. Just too long and tangled. Op:she gave you a serious std and cheated repeatedly. She lied to you in your face over and over again. What kind of advice are you looking for??? Yes, that was brutal to try to read. I had to force myself because I had so much brain energy invested at the halfway point. She's a mess. Every single part of your relationship seemed unhealthy and drama-filled. Walk away. Fix the things that are wrong with you, like how you even put up with what she did.
imkeysersoze Posted July 31, 2014 Posted July 31, 2014 Yes, that was brutal to try to read. I had to force myself because I had so much brain energy invested at the halfway point. She's a mess. Every single part of your relationship seemed unhealthy and drama-filled. Walk away. Fix the things that are wrong with you, like how you even put up with what she did. All of this. It was painful to get through. If anything, it was at least cathartic in making me feel like I didn't get dicked around a tenth as much as this poor guy has been. Dude you need to pull the EJECT handle hard, ASAP. 1
writergal Posted July 31, 2014 Posted July 31, 2014 Dork Vader, the Force was not with you in that relationship. Your girlfriend put you through a lot and gave you a lifelong STD to boot. Question is: why did you put up with so much from one person? Why did you allow her to put you down, to manipulate, cheat, and lie to you the way she did? You seem like a good guy, OP. Time to find a dating Yoda and figure out why you allowed yourself to get entangled with someone who caused you more drama than a character from a soap opera. May the Force be with you (yes, I am a Star Wars nerd people. Deal with it.)
Author Dork Vader Posted July 31, 2014 Author Posted July 31, 2014 (edited) Yeah I know. I was stupid. I'm not sure why I stuck around. I'd imagine I was just lonely. She almost hit the mark. Everything about her was perfect but her promiscuous life style. Some of it had to do with the fact that I have been extremely rigid in the past. Any hint of a red flag and I was gone. I foolishly thought things would change. I also know the STD was a major factor in me staying. I did not and do not want to brave the dating world with it. It is going to lead to a lot of rejection. I know there are web sites for it and options. But still.. As for the STD it is complicated. It is possible I had it and she did not. I was basically told that was possible but unlikely. I was also told she could have had and not known. Not looking for advice really just wanted a place to rant. Things are over and done with. I finally had enough Monday and really went off. Edited July 31, 2014 by Dork Vader
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