How do I get her out of my mind

[somecamel]

It's been 7 months.

 

I'm a different person now, I don't want her back but I can't stop her keeping on popping up in my thoughts.

 

I recently rehomed our dog, had to have input with her but he's gone now to a much better place.

 

I'm really trying to work out where I am, I've tried the Online Dating, it's a car crash.

 

Met some nice girls other ways etc.

 

Went back to a girls place the other day, I couldn't even make a move!!

 

I slept on the Sofa! lol

 

Tips guys please on how to remove them.

[irresolute]

Hard to say...if you've been no contact for 7 months but still have intrusive thoughts you may need some counseling I'd say.

 

By 7 months you should be 70% healed and over her. Plus if you're having trouble dating that means something is not quite right.

 

I'd say, try some counseling.

[Dork Vader]

I agree with the above you might need to seek some counseling.

 

 

I'm OCD and rarely have intrusive thoughts for more then a few weeks. The worst I've gone through was maybe a month with an ex I thought was my soul mate. That is saying a lot...

 

 

If you have not you need to completely disconnect from this woman. Delete everything of her.. Facebook friendships, phone numbers, toss ANY reminders of her.. Just get it out of your life and move on.

 

 

Do I ever think about my ex'es? Sure some of them.. But it's not intrusive and it does not bother me. It's mostly just a memory of my life at that point in time nothing else.

[BC1980]

I think that having to keep interacting with her about the dog messed you up. You had a connection to her, however small, and it kept her relevant. Also, it's d@mn hard not to think of someone at all. Someone who was a part of your daily life. Yeah, you can't just stop thinking of her. I have honestly found that time and distance takes the person out of your head, but it's at a pretty slow pace if you were with the person for years or if the person was particularly meaningful to you.

 

I don't know that the person ever goes away completely. One of my friends dated a guy for 6 years but has been married to a different guy for 10 years. She said she still thinks about and has had dreams about the first guy.

[somecamel]

Hey so I'm back near on 3 weeks later, same issues I suppose.

 

I hear what you guys said above, I was with her for 7 years, the dog went 4 weeks ago.

 

I'm not sure if counselling would have a benefit for me, I'm not against it but not too sure right now, anyway I have you guys for that

 

I'm back in business properly with work again, I'm earning good money and I moving this Friday to a really nice place in the harbour next town over.

 

I've got to the stage where I'm actually starting to get fed up of thinking about her. I can never reason as to why she done what she done.

 

It's been 4 weeks NC now, I had left her email off my block list for the first month to see if she would mail me letting me know about the dog but had nothing, I blocked her again on Sunday.

 

I found an old archived message in my facebook messages the other day from her but was from ages ago, hit me a bit but I deleted it and moved on.

 

She is blocked from everything now.

 

I wonder how it turned out like this.

 

I've been trialing a kind of reverse denial positivity drive with myself this last couple of months where I refuse to hear negative thoughts from people or think negative thoughts myself.

 

It's actually really helped but I'm only human and still have those dull moments.

 

This is one of them.

 

Thanks for reading

[me85]

I feel the same way. I don't want to get back with my ex but I'm always thinking of him. /=

[mightycpa]

I feel the same way. I don't want to get back with my ex but I'm always thinking of him. /=

 

Both of you, what do you actually think about? I used to do the same thing, I can barely remember what I used to think about, but I think it boiled down to three things:

 

I remembered things we did together, but these thoughts would always lead me to "what-if" thoughts, which fantasized a different outcome

 

I remembered the breakup, and these thoughts would make me feel pain, but led to desensitization

 

I felt the desire and the need, but I rationalized that this wasn't really love, it was an obsession, a way to return to a happier time in my life. In other words, fantasy again, trying to get to a different outcome.

 

I think once I viewed it that way, it was easier to redirect my thoughts to reality and healing.

 

So I was just curious about what you guys "think about". It's been so long.

[Simon Phoenix]

I mean, they never completely leave your thoughts, but you'll just find it to be less and less frequent. Instead of every stray moment, it'll turn in to once an hour. From once an hour, it'll turn in to a few times a day. Then once a day. Then every other day. Then once a week. Then once a blue moon. Time is what will get you where you need to go. And yes, talking to her about a dog up to a month ago didn't do you any favors. It retarded a lot of the progress you probably would have made by now.

[somecamel]

Both of you, what do you actually think about? I used to do the same thing, I can barely remember what I used to think about, but I think it boiled down to three things:

 

I remembered things we did together, but these thoughts would always lead me to "what-if" thoughts, which fantasized a different outcome

 

I remembered the breakup, and these thoughts would make me feel pain, but led to desensitization

 

I felt the desire and the need, but I rationalized that this wasn't really love, it was an obsession, a way to return to a happier time in my life. In other words, fantasy again, trying to get to a different outcome.

 

I think once I viewed it that way, it was easier to redirect my thoughts to reality and healing.

 

So I was just curious about what you guys "think about". It's been so long.

 

It's the every day little nuances that remind me, she's up in London so every time I see London somewhere it reminds me of her lol, stupid I know

 

I suppose remembering the break up, hurting a bit, does lead to the desensitisation and moves you forward in the healing.

[me85]

Both of you, what do you actually think about? I used to do the same thing, I can barely remember what I used to think about, but I think it boiled down to three things:

 

I remembered things we did together, but these thoughts would always lead me to "what-if" thoughts, which fantasized a different outcome

 

I remembered the breakup, and these thoughts would make me feel pain, but led to desensitization

 

I felt the desire and the need, but I rationalized that this wasn't really love, it was an obsession, a way to return to a happier time in my life. In other words, fantasy again, trying to get to a different outcome.

 

I think once I viewed it that way, it was easier to redirect my thoughts to reality and healing.

 

So I was just curious about what you guys "think about". It's been so long.

 

Like you, I stopped fantasizing a long time ago and realized that I'm not in love with him anymore but that it was mostly just an obsession. Love is a drug and for a long time, I was an addict. Also, I realized that it has been my ago for the most part...keeping me from getting out of my own way.

 

My ego was so crushed. Even though I accepted it was over many many months ago, my ego still kept getting the best of me.

 

I've been doing great over the last 8 months. Only up until recently (like a month or so) have I fallen back into depression. But really had nothing to do with my ex at all. Just been going through difficult times and feeling lonely.

 

I stopped recalling happy moments between us a long time ago. It got easier, faster, to heal once I found out he was in a RS with someone else. Anger set in a little and even a small feeling of defeat.

 

I know the only reason this past month has been difficult is because I'm lonely. NOT because I miss him or want him back.

[mightycpa]

It is a pretty strange thing, right? You go through all the thinking, and you try to figure out why you love somebody. Your gut instincts say it is because "they are the best ___ in the world", but then as you start to put words in that blank, you realize they aren't. You know nicer people, smarter people, better looking people, richer people, whatever. So (at least for me) your mind catches on pretty quickly. It can figure it out, but ironically, it's just another set of ideas to torture yourself with.

 

Maybe that's where the healing starts, that you realize it is not really about them, it is about your reaction to them, and that it is irrational. And so you begin to get to know yourself really well. I must have written a few thousand pages of introspection trying to get it out of my system. I learned a whole lot about ol' mightycpa. Yes I did.

 

But the heart? Stupid is as stupid feels. It didn't learn a damn thing for a long time. Mostly, it just forgot with time, but every now and again, my heart can remember.

 

It's been longer than I care to admit sometimes, and I still feel it occasionally, even after living through happiness, love, freedom and more love. I might just leave her something in my will, and break NC then. Of course, she'll probably die first, damn her!

[somecamel]

The loneliness is hard and I get exactly what you're saying.

 

I'm on and off of dating sites all the time, they are so self defeatist.

 

I just want some female company and somebody to share my life with I suppose.

 

Some people will call this co-dependency but don't we all yearn for that connection with someone else?

 

I don't know, I suppose I'm still in a state of limbo. The move will be my next step in my journey.

 

Lots of bad things going on in the flat i'm in with my friend at the moment, it's like a drop in centre so have needed to leave here for a long time but had to wait to rehome the dog.

 

My family rely on me heavily for emotional and sometimes financial support, (my younger sister walked into the sea not long ago trying to kill herself and my mum is the epitome of negativity, I refuse to talk to her now if she starts being negative.

 

But one thing I have realised and one thing I preach to the disillusioned souls that visit (regularly) is that I am the most important person.

 

By saying that I mean that you really have to love yourself if you are going to be truly happy.

 

I know when I was Monika my life had really hit a massive **** storm, my son was ill, my business was suffering as I was in hospital with him, my relationship suffered as well and looking back, the writing was on the wall for a long time, in fact at times I wanted this.

 

But what doesn't kill us makes us stronger.

[nightowl1]

I don't know if this will help you but it sure helped me. I have a tendency for my mind to be filled with so many thoughts that its hard for me to concentrate on other things since I'm battling my own thoughts. Sometimes it was so bad I couldn't even hear my friends talking to me. There was something that relieved me when I would write an email to her or tell her how I was feeling. I just realized today that it wasn't the sending it to her, it was the writing it.

 

I was at work and couldn't even look at an email my concentration was so bad since she was on my mind. I read an article about this and it said to sit down and write down everything that pops into your head. So for 20 minutes I wrote an email to myself. Every thought that came into my head I wrote. It was mostly about her. Spelling was off, grammar was off, if someone else read it, it wouldn't make sense. But it didn't matter because no one had to read it.

 

I set aside 15 minutes, but it took me more like 20 minutes. After I got every thought in my head onto the email, I immediately felt relieved. All thoughts of her were gone, I was able to concentrate on my work and got so much done. Its been about 2 hours since I did that, my mind still feels clear. I don't think it will last the whole day but it defiantly helped me get through work. Hopefully it works for you.