Jump to content

Need some on my breakup/sharing the house


Recommended Posts

Okay so first of all thanks in advance for reading this. I'm really looking for some advice on whether what I'm doing is justified or not.

 

Just a bit of background, I'm 26 and my Ex is 35 and we've been together for 3 years.

 

For the past 14 months our relationship hasn't been too great. To be honest it was never a perfectly normal stable one. She is diagnosed with bipolar (whether that diagnosis is correct or not I'm not sure but she's certainly unstable). It started out with her being very clingy, obsessive and she'd throw tantrums if I ever tried to do anything on my own. End result was that I fobbed all my mates off and there was a bit of resentment by me towards her. Nevertheless we continued with the relationship because when it was going well it really was well!

 

We moved into our rented house in May last year. A few months later she found out about some stuff about me that was a bit awkward and weird. Basically long story short I "trolled" people online in dating chat rooms by pretending to be women and then making fun of them etc. Yeah it was stupid pathetic childish behaviour and I don't condone or accept that it was normal! She also around about the same time saw photos of me dressed in her clothes (something I've confronted her about and tried to be open with many times in the past but she wouldn't want to hear it). So yeah.. like I said, a bit weird etc. However she's then it got it into her head that I was dressing up for men and chatting them up online. I wasn't, it was two completely seperate unrelated things and no matter how many times I tried explaining it to her she wouldn't accept it.

 

So we muddle through the next 12 months, we barely have sex, we still have the odd moment where things are back to normal etc but ultimately yeah it's needing some serious fixing to get back on track but she wouldn't entertain the idea of me talking about it or seek any kind of relationship therapy. She also starts getting very aggressive towards me at times as well, even hitting me sometimes (on my arm etc), but mostly talking down to me and being rude to me.

 

So her head's a bit ****ed (that plus she's had horrible experiences in the past with guys cheating on her etc) so that + with thinking I've done all these supposed horrible things I can see why she'd be in a bit of a state, even if what she's thinking isn't what happened.

 

Last week she says to me that she really can't handle it any more and we have to split up for her own sanity. I agree to it, obviously I'm a proper mess at the point to, crying etc because I'm so upset that the relationship has ended. She says she's not interested in seeing anyone else etc and it's not about that at all - she literally just needs time apart from me to get her head straight, even drops it in "who knows once my heads sorted we might get back together later on but i just don't know what's going on anymore".

 

So I'm thinking.. ok. This will be hard for me, but we'll try and work things out as mates for the time being.

 

The next morning I open up our laptop and see a facebook message on her screen which reads really weird. (I've never gone through er mssages before, ever - whilst she throughout our entire relationship has constantly gone through my phone/compter etc). Basically it read out like a childish crush where her mate was trying to introduce her to this lad who they think she might be a match for. She's getting all giddy and excited in these messages asking what he's like etc. Basically already trying to kick start another relationship. These messages dated back a few days before we officially split up.

 

So I'm like.. "ok, she tells me she wants to get her head sorted and have time apart.. yet here she is trying to latch onto a new boyfriend?!".

 

I confront her about this that evening (after calling in work in a complete state not knowing wtf is going on). I ask her straight up about these messages and at first she's wondering wtf I'm on about, really confused etc and trying to be all coy about it. I then show her them and then manages to divert the conversation elsewhere (she's very good at that) for a further 10 minutes and then comes out with that these messages were a "joke" so that I'd purposely find them and that way I'd feel the same way that she did.

 

And I'm like.. is this for real. Even as an excuse it still doesn't make sense as to how she'd get her way out of it. A) Why would I want to live with an ex girlfriend who is trying to get with another guy before we've officially broken up. B) If she is telling the truth then why would I want to stay with someone who is trying to manipulate me into feeling ****?. Either way I'm at this point now where I really don't want to be living with her. I agree to her lame excuse that it was all a joke, and that possibly she had a point for pulling that stunt to make me feel ****.

 

The next day she travels down to see this friend and this supposed person she was being "set up with" (at this point I'm supposed to still believe it was all a lie). I'm now feeling jealous as ****, wondering what the hell is going on - is she telling the truth, is she lying? Good god I just don't know anymore - I'm going to go insane!

 

She comes back and I don't speak to her about it, I find it too hard to be around her so I just lock myself in my room to myself the next few days.

 

Yesterday she goes off to see this guy she was "being set up with" (fake or not fake) as I see it on her facebook. She didn't tell me she was going anywhere or that she wouldn't be back after work. So now I'm thinking "ok, she knows I'm now paranoid and thinking wtf is going on so why isn't she giving me any respect by actually telling me to my face where she's going?".

 

It gets to 11pm and she's still not home. I send her a message asking when she's back and she says "I'm stopping over, will go straight to work in the morning and back tomorrow, you ok?." So in response to her "you ok?" I say "no." and then 2 secs later she's phoning me up asking what's up with me. I ask her who she is with and she says yes she's with the guy who tried to play the joke on me but also with a bunch of other mates too. She thinks I'm being paranoid and checking up on her and stuff (tbf yes I am but after those messages do I not have the right to feel paranoid?!!). She manages to somehow make me feel guilty etc, declares that this "guy" is gay and isn't seeing him or anything and even gets him on the phone to explain it.

 

So fair enough.. next morning. alright, so she ISN'T dating him, he's gay and she was with mates. Maybe that conversation was all lies.. gods sake can't she just stop with the mind games?

 

So she comes home today after stopping over and going straight to work, has a bit of a go at me for checking up on her and being paranoid etc. Making me feel even more guilty.. thanks.

 

My dad and stepmum offer to take me out for tea so about half hour after she gets in I go out. My stepmum says something very strange to me. "Did you know that guy she went down to see has just changed his FB status to "in a relationship" and she "liked" it." Ok. That's a bit weird. I mean, yes it's plausible that this bloke could have actually just got in a relationship.. it's all very convenient but I guess her story is still holding true.. I've got nothing to go off on here to go accusing her again.

 

I then log into my facebook, go onto his profile and see that she was lying about him being gay (his fb says interested in women). And.. the killer bit. He had in his "about" section this stupid little message dedicated to her about how happy she makes him and how happy he makes her etc. Ok.. still plausible that my ex is still telling the truth, maybe he's bi-sexual, maybe it's just a coincidence that his new partner has the same name as my ex.

 

Nah. No. I'm a mug but I'm not thick.

 

I got back tonight and I confront her (staying PERFECTLY calm and reasonable. I said "So this guy then, is he really gay then yeah?" She says yes. "Has he got a boyfriend or anything?" She says she doesn't know and that he doesn't really talk about that stuff. Alright.. that's a bit weird, you'v ebeen talking non stop for the past few days and stayed at his place yet you don't know if he's got a boyfriend. But obviously at that point - and the first evidence I have that she is lying is right there. She MUST know he's in a relationship because she liked his status. I tell this to her as well as point out his weird FB profile info.

 

In my response to my question "Was this relationship change he put on FB referring to you, yes or no?" She then does her usual thing of diverting the subject, bringing up loads of **** from our past to get away from it. I listen to her waffle on and on and for nearing half an hour, asking why it matters anyway and what difference does it make, and finally when she stops and it's quite clear that she has lied I ask her straight again, ask her why she's so afraid of being honest and just tell her to come clean.

 

"Yes that relationship status was about me"

 

I calmly say "ok, that's all I needed to know" and I walk out the room.

 

I sit downstairs and pour myself a glass of water as I try to get my head together. So she's broken up with me after declaring she wanted a break, admittedly yes things weren't perfect between us but she was already trying to start a relationship with this man before we officially broke up and no more than 4 days after breaking up has agreed to start a relationship with another man.

 

She comes downstairs and asks if I want her to move out. I say yes and that she's got 4 weeks from the begining of August to move out as I can't live in the same house as her anymore.

 

She's off upstairs crying on the phone because she doesn't have a clue.

 

Blah - sorry, I forgot to point out some key factors here.

 

She's financially unstable because she spends all of her money on crap (she has a full time job but all of her money the past few months has gone on clothes, make up, perfume, etc). We also live with 4 cats who we pretty much treated as our babies. It would be difficult for either of us to find somewhere we can rent that would take 4 cats in.

 

Throughout our relationship I have felt emotionally blackmailed to attend to her whims and needs, she's been manipulative by putting on the waterworks etc and trying to project all blame for any problem solely onto me and away from her.

 

So...... Yeah, she will struggle really, really hard to find somewhere else to live at short notice. I won't because I get paid a lot.

 

The thing that bothers me the most and why I'm refusing to give her anymore time is because.. she'd have done the same to me. She would have quite happily tried to keep that relationship a secret, quite happily have had me sat at home going out of my mind wondering if she is or isn't seeing anyone whilst she on the sly gets her **** together whilst still putting out false hope that things could actually work out between us.

 

So the lying and the fact that she can so quickly jump onto a new boyfriend after a 3 year relationship and I just cannot mentally cope with living with her.

 

I would feel better if I knew she had somewhere to stay - but it's got to that point now where I feel like I'm just being taken for an absolute mug.

 

I've been trying to talk to her past few hours, calm her down etc, say that yeah I do care about her and I'll help as best I can with her finding a new place, even take the cats on for a bit if she can't home them. She's also got the new boyfriend on voice mail listening in which I thought was weird but whatever.

 

Thing is that I don't get here, right.. (and this is something I've come to AFTER i gave her the months notice, so I'm by no means giving her a short notice BECAUSE of this because of spite or anything).

 

If you were just introduced to a girl(or boy, w/e) who you knew was going through a very messy break up but was still living with them.. why on ****ing gods great earth would you ask them to go out with you within a week of knowing them? This new guy can't give her a roof over her head, he lives over an hour away by public transport. What on EARTH was he thinking that was a good idea? OBVIOUSLY the ex boyfriend is going to be proper pissed off and upset that he'd just want to leave. I'm so, so shocked that he has asked her out.

 

She's still tried to defend it all by saying "ohh well we're going slow, neither of us really know what we want." and I'm like thinking.. ****ing hell, you want to be with a bloke who is putting his own feelings first by asking you out and potentially jeopordising the fact your ex might kick you out the house?

 

Essentially though my sitaution is tihs. I would have tried to live with her for a bit and see how things go, given her time to sort herself out and if need be a few months down the line I might be able to accept more easily that she'd be better off with someone else. But because of all this I just cna't. I was sat at the bottom of the stairs about an hour ago listening to her flirting with him on the phone (after she calmed down) and was just like "I want to kill myself, i really want to ****ing just end htis now andn ot have to deal with any of it".

 

That would be me if I continued to live in this house with her and she was dating someone. I mean come on, she's given me 3 days to accept that the relationship is over and already dating someone else.

 

I'm sorry, I must have missed *loads* of stuff off, so please feel free to ask if you want me to expand on any of it.

 

Am I being unreasonable? Is there a better way I can approach this situation?

Edited by sad_andrew
Link to post
Share on other sites
Philosoraptor

Look, she was waiting until she found someone else until she finally dumped you. Of course she's trying to keep you on the hook as the backup plan just in case her new relationship doesn't work out. You already say you weren't happy for 14 months beforehand, so cut ties and be done with it. Get out, or get her out, as soon as you can. The more time you spend with her the more you will suffer.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Get her out as soon as you can or you leave as soon as you can.

 

I'm not sure why you're questioning your decision to go about things. I know you care about her but her choices are her own and the repercussions are hers to bear.

 

Her new boyfriend can share his place with her and deal with her financial issues. You are not responsible anymore. The moment she chose to exit the relationship is the moment you stepped out and washed your hands of her.

Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...