Why cant i stop thinking about her?

[selftaught]

me and my ex gf went out for 2 years. its been 7 months since we broke up on new years. within 2 weeks she was dating her "friend" and in 5 weeks she was in a relationship with him. she had talked to him throughout most of our relationship. I did everything wrong after our breakup. i texted and called her constantly trying to figure out just what had happened. I blamed myself that i wasn't good at flirting (im not)

 

She said she left me because she felt more like my mother than my gf, that i wasn't goal orientated. I tried harder than i have ever tried in my entire life to be that better person that she wanted. I did everything i could think of to become a reliable, self sufficient, responsible, goal orientated man not skipping on the small things. But i broke the day she came to get her stuff. i felt worthless, i got angry, i was confused and terribly heart broken and sad. Half the reasons she gave me for leaving didnt even make sense. She said my room was always dirty when she came up but her room was just as bad and i clearly remember the only time she ever cleaned her room was when i literally did it for her.

 

Our relationship wasnt the best but it sure as hell wasn't bad. I tried to make her feel loved. id buy her flowers randomly and brought her food at work. I was not perfect however, i didnt always get her gifts on the big occasions because i never had done so before in my life. I hadnt gotten gifts for my sisters or cards for my mother simply because of money concerns and i hadnt grown up with it. But i did learn and i did get her gifts at every instance after the first one.

 

Durning our relationship she said very cold things like she thought she was better than me and told me it to my face. Said that i wouldnt be a good father and said i wasnt relaiable. She would bring up the fact that i had lost my job and it took me 6 months to find a new one. I didnt try looking very hard though but more so than i had ever done before. Even after getting another 2 jobs she would still hold it against me.

 

She said i wasnt goal orientated and called me a vagrant because i was going to college living at my aunts house and working a part time job yet she was going to college living at her fathers house and working a part time job. I could never understand what she ment. All she said is that we didnt think the same.

I found out later than she didnt pay her father any rent and that her mother gives her money every week. Even when i was on unemployment id give my aunt money for bills.

 

i told her that i accepted her for her flaws and i loved her. She said she didn't have any flaws and that she never had any kind of big regret in her life.

 

She did however treat me well, i think..., shed get me gifts, shed always plan for stuff that we could do. she liked going places and every time she came over we basically had to go somewhere. I always stressed about money because i didn't make much so i complained about driving. Mostly because i drove about 40 mins to school and back everyday. and she wanted me to drive.

 

Ive had a seriously ****ing hard life most people don't have to deal with. My mother bf did crack and pills, i had to live with my aunt for 4 years, my mothers next bf got killed on an 4 wheeler. i talked to a girl online for 3 years only to find out something terrible. I know some dark ****... But it allows me to see good in people that someone who wouldn't have gone through all these things cant necessarily see.

 

I wasnt perfect when i broke up i lost it and broke down and wanted to kill myself because i didnt think i could ever have good life. she hasnt talked to me after that day and i sent an apology note only to be blocked by her on phone and fb.

 

I cant eat breakfast without looking across the table at the empty chair and breaking down into tears. Our relationship wasn't perfect but i loved her and i did accept her for what she was. I put everything into trying to please her and make her happy. Eventually she got tired of waiting for me to change and stopped loving me and left.

 

When we broke up i had to start school and i was very busy. After that semester it was there waiting for me. and it was like day 1. I tried very hard not to talk to her or send her messages but some days it was overwhelming.

 

I try to keep myself busy and i have truly changed in the way that she wanted me to. I am reliable, my home is clean, i workout, i got awards in school, i deff. search for jobs when i need to now. and i don't put things off anymore. I have life goals and i try to follow them. I don't know why i would want to be with someone who tells me that they are better than me, that id be a bad father, that i'm unreliable, that im dirty(cleaning) than im a vagrant. yet i balme myself for alot of things. Not going down to see her, having her come up to my place. Not trying harder to search for a job. We didnt have really anything i common but i was happy. I wouldnt take her back if she wanted to come back because it would just sicken me. Yet i still feel the need to reconcile, i dont want her to think im creepy for messaging her. i want one day to be her friend. She was my first real gf. She was the first person to really make me think about my future instead of just making it through the day. I miss her determination.

 

even though id never take her back i miss her and i love her. I just want to STOP thinking about her. she doesnt want to hear from me and shes moved on but i cry almost every other day. i just...idk I used to be comfortable in my house but now after about 3-4 hours i get jittery and i have to go for a walk or ride my motorcycle. i live in the boonies so most of my friends are atleast 40 mins away.

[Philosoraptor]

It seems that your issues stem from something deeper than just thinking about her. You seem to have had a tough life and you held onto her as something bright.

 

Personally I'd consider therapy to deal with the underlying issues so you can find that brightness within rather than trying to cling to something outside of yourself. Once you've found the way to deal with these bothersome memories you will be able to let go of the flame you are holding for her.