Life is a mess, since she left...

[kbrew]

I dont know what this post is for me, but I need to vent my frustration somewhere..

 

My ex left me a month and a half ago, it was a short relationship compared to most ive had, but i loved her..

 

Since then I have been trying to be the polar opposite of myself.. Doing everything I can to block out the pain and forget, but nothing works!

 

Ive been doing literally anything and everything I possibly can! I go out every weekend on the town. House parties at every opportunity. Ive been to two festivals. I hit the gym every day, ive lost 2st of fat and put on 1st of muscle! I am by all accounts beach body worthy. Ive had various one night stands since that time. Hit it off with several girls, but i cant seem to take it further as the ache wont go away! My facebook friends list as literally gained by a 100 people.

 

Nothing distracts me! Literally sitting at home for more then 2 hours reminds me and makes me sad..

 

Ive accepted the fact its over, Ive adopted NC since the 17th of June. Removed from facebook, blocked everything. Yet I STILL think about her, I still have these feelings for her!

 

My life is literally a mess, Im living hand to mouth. I pay the bills but most of it goes on going out and beer. I get to work without a problem, but sometimes barely sober!

 

Ive tried listening to happy music. Ive tried everything. Part of me will not let go.

 

What the **** can I do?

[zen2475]

As much as it sucks, you have to allow yourself to fully grieve, and that means feeling all the pain that goes with it. The longer you push down your pain, the longer it will actually take you to heal. Eventually, as you know, all those feelings come back to the surface, and sometimes even worse if you don't deal with them.

[dumbass2]

Why did she break up with you?

 

I can definitely relate with my current issue.

 

You are doing what I did (minus the hook ups, but tried dating right away) and it has killed me. Mine lasted about 6 months.

 

I did not allow myself the grieving process early on and I now regret it. I bottled everything up and tried to move past it as quickly as possible and even sent her a closure letter after a month thinking that was going to help me. NOT!

 

Please do not just go out and hook up. Take some time away from women right now and allow yourself time to process this. Talk with friends. Talk on this board about it. See a therapist if you have no one else to talk to, but you have to give time to grieve. Keep doing other activities.

 

It is fresh in my mind. Can't focus on work. I don't have as much fun doing things, but I am forcing myself out there to try and keep busy. I really know how you feel.

 

I had to start the grieving process 2 months after the break up and that's why I'm at where I am today.

[SoThatHappened]

I know what you're going through. And I also know that boozing makes it worse, not better.

 

Instead of accepting things and allowing yourself to grieve as soon as it happened, you've suppressed and retarded the process by "distracting" yourself through booze, parties, and other women.

 

If you keep doing that, you're going to continue to hinder the healing.

 

On the plus side, you've stuck to NC.

 

I understand the drinking. I have done it many times just so I can sleep. But, the day after a big bender makes you physically and mentally worse off.

 

I'm not a one-night-stand kinda person. Not judging, but people who can do that just lose my respect.

 

Stop the drinking.

 

Keep NC.

 

Keep going out.

 

Address your grief. Cry, workout, whatever, but let it really sink in. Only then will you make any progress.

 

Good luck

[d0nnivain]

Being active is a good but maybe cut down on the drinking. Alcohol is a depressant. Also recognize that it takes time to get over someone. It's not instant. Give yourself some time to mourn the loss; perhaps thank about what went wrong so you can avoid those issues in your next relationship.

 

Congrats on the weight loss.

[Chi townD]

From your posts it states that you started true NC on the 17th. It hasn't even been two weeks yet! Give it time! It will get worse before it gets better. Just hang in there. I promise it does get better.

[kbrew]

From your posts it states that you started true NC on the 17th. It hasn't even been two weeks yet! Give it time! It will get worse before it gets better. Just hang in there. I promise it does get better.

 

Erm were in July now its been almost 6 weeks. :x

 

Thanks for the reply

[Chi townD]

Erm were in July now its been almost 6 weeks. :x

 

Thanks for the reply

 

 

Well, okay...6 weeks. A little over a month. What was I thinking...you should be totally healed by now!

[travelbug1996]

Only time will heal what you're going through. Simple but not easy.

 

Rock Steady.

[purplesoccer34]

I went on a few dates immediately after breaking up with my ex, hoping that it would help me get over him. Let me tell you that it just made it worse, because I kept comparing everybody I dated to him. At that time, it seemed like nobody would ever match up to my ex, so I just felt depressed dating more guys.

 

I decided that I would stop thinking about guys for a few months, and instead just focus on myself and maybe make new friends. That helped me a lot. I know you're already doing this, and let me tell you that it definitely takes time. It's not an instant thing. I would say it took me 6 months to fully get over him, and now I hardly ever think about him. In fact, he's dating someone else now and I'm very happy for him and the girl. I now even wonder what I ever saw in him. It's been a year since I've broken up with him.

 

Give it time, OP. It's been a little over a month, but you will definitely get over her. I know that I was the one who did the breaking up, but it was still extremely painful. I knew that breaking up was the right thing to do, but I didn't want to do it. For the first couple of months, I felt like the pain would never go away. My suggestion is to stop dating, and stop hooking up for now...focus on yourself, making new friends, and any other goals you may have.

[mtnbiker3000]

You have to learn to be OK with yourself. Scratch that. Not just OK, but down right great with yourself.

 

If you try and extract happiness from someone else, whether it's your ex, someone new, or whatever... you're going to experience much pain and sadness...

 

So rather than all of these attempts to distract, get over or forget her, why don't you look within yourself. I bet you'll find everything you need for recovery and a new outlook on life right inside your own head.

 

This route is very difficult, but also extremely effective!!!

[aisuru]

Honestly? It takes time....

 

After a break up, we think the dumper will check in soon and see how great we are and want us back. But it doesn't happen...

 

So six months in we are in the dumps...

 

And then one year in, we find ourselves.

 

Embrace the change within and roll with it. It takes time dude.

[hoping2heal]

I dont know what this post is for me, but I need to vent my frustration somewhere..

 

My ex left me a month and a half ago, it was a short relationship compared to most ive had, but i loved her..

 

Since then I have been trying to be the polar opposite of myself.. Doing everything I can to block out the pain and forget, but nothing works!

 

Ive been doing literally anything and everything I possibly can! I go out every weekend on the town. House parties at every opportunity. Ive been to two festivals. I hit the gym every day, ive lost 2st of fat and put on 1st of muscle! I am by all accounts beach body worthy. Ive had various one night stands since that time. Hit it off with several girls, but i cant seem to take it further as the ache wont go away! My facebook friends list as literally gained by a 100 people.

 

Nothing distracts me! Literally sitting at home for more then 2 hours reminds me and makes me sad..

 

Ive accepted the fact its over, Ive adopted NC since the 17th of June. Removed from facebook, blocked everything. Yet I STILL think about her, I still have these feelings for her!

 

My life is literally a mess, Im living hand to mouth. I pay the bills but most of it goes on going out and beer. I get to work without a problem, but sometimes barely sober!

 

Ive tried listening to happy music. Ive tried everything. Part of me will not let go.

 

What the **** can I do?

 

Did this girl have substance?

[irresolute]

Several one night stands, 2 St lost, more than 100 new friends on facebook, 2 concerts, going out all the time...i admire you!!

Honestly, I've been 1 month no contact and i can barely make it out from from bed. Some days I'm so depressed I wish I could sleep through the day and continue until the next day or two.

 

You're doing fine. Keep moving on. I admire you

 

Ps: you're better than her.

[kbrew]

Thanks all for the replies! They've all helped! Each and every one!

 

Well, okay...6 weeks. A little over a month. What was I thinking...you should be totally healed by now!

 

Lol I know right...

 

Did this girl have substance?

 

I thought she did, maybe not..

 

Several one night stands, 2 St lost, more than 100 new friends on facebook, 2 concerts, going out all the time...i admire you!!

Honestly, I've been 1 month no contact and i can barely make it out from from bed. Some days I'm so depressed I wish I could sleep through the day and continue until the next day or two.

 

You're doing fine. Keep moving on. I admire you

 

Ps: you're better than her.

 

Lol Thanks!

 

And bless ya darlin, I hope you find that little switch inside to flick SOON!

[kbrew]

I had abit of a development since making this thread.

 

I realised, part of me didnt 'want' to let go. 6 weeks of trying didnt help one bit.

 

I cant deny myself or lie to myself.

 

So I contacted her, a few friendly messages later I come to the conclusion that she really doesnt give a ****.

 

So I stopped giving a ****.

 

I kinda came to the conclusion the NC was making me think I can get her back at some point in the future.

 

To the point where, yeah I was going out and enjoying myself but part of me was doing it to make her jealous.

 

When I realised nothing I could do would ever change her mind.. A switch flicked inside me..

 

So really, while NC might be good in moving on or maybe getting her back. But I think if your the kind of person who cant handle the uncertainty (like me). It might be better to try to talk or fight it at at the point of the break up, until you know there is absolutely no hope.

 

Atleast you have closure..

 

All I can say is weights lifted off my shoulders, my heads clear, my heart doesnt ache anymore. I feel a pang of sadness but then I'd be human not too. I think I did all the grieving the last few weeks, which probably softened the blow.

 

At any rate, thanks for all the replies! Your all amazing!

 

@ Irresolute: Maybe your in the same boat as me? Perhaps giving what I did a try will have the same effect?

Edited July 29, 2014 by kbrew

[irresolute]

I had abit of a development since making this thread.

 

I realised, part of me didnt 'want' to let go. 6 weeks of trying didnt help one bit.

 

I cant deny myself or lie to myself.

 

So I contacted her, a few friendly messages later I come to the conclusion that she really doesnt give a ****.

 

So I stopped giving a ****.

 

I kinda came to the conclusion the NC was making me think I can get her back at some point in the future.

 

To the point where, yeah I was going out and enjoying myself but part of me was doing it to make her jealous.

 

When I realised nothing I could do would ever change her mind.. A switch flicked inside me..

 

So really, while NC might be good in moving on or maybe getting her back. But I think if your the kind of person who cant handle the uncertainty (like me). It might be better to try to talk or fight it at at the point of the break up, until you know there is absolutely no hope.

 

Atleast you have closure..

 

All I can say is weights lifted off my shoulders, my heads clear, my heart doesnt ache anymore. I feel a pang of sadness but then I'd be human not too. I think I did all the grieving the last few weeks, which probably softened the blow.

 

At any rate, thanks for all the replies! Your all amazing!

 

@ Irresolute: Maybe your in the same boat as me? Perhaps giving what I did a try will have the same effect?

 

Yes, I'm in the same boat as you. I'm slowly starting to realize as well that nothing will make him change his mind. I'm not the one. I will never be.

I was posting some pics of facebook of me with friends having fun, with the secret hope he'll realize how fun and cute I am, and he'll change his mind.

Nope. I'm not the one for him. I will never be.

 

Difference here is that I know if I contact him, he'll reply. He likes me. but not enough.

The closure is on me. He'll never give that because he likes to keep his doors open "just in case". that's the kind of man I love

[kbrew]

Yes, I'm in the same boat as you. I'm slowly starting to realize as well that nothing will make him change his mind. I'm not the one. I will never be.

I was posting some pics of facebook of me with friends having fun, with the secret hope he'll realize how fun and cute I am, and he'll change his mind.

Nope. I'm not the one for him. I will never be.

 

Difference here is that I know if I contact him, he'll reply. He likes me. but not enough.

The closure is on me. He'll never give that because he likes to keep his doors open "just in case". that's the kind of man I love

 

can see where your coming from..

 

I dunno if I have the answer.. All I can say is, you've got to find a way to remove the possibility..

 

He doesnt sound like the one though.. :l

[hoping2heal]

I had abit of a development since making this thread.

 

I realised, part of me didnt 'want' to let go. 6 weeks of trying didnt help one bit.

 

I cant deny myself or lie to myself.

 

So I contacted her, a few friendly messages later I come to the conclusion that she really doesnt give a ****.

 

So I stopped giving a ****.

 

I kinda came to the conclusion the NC was making me think I can get her back at some point in the future.

 

To the point where, yeah I was going out and enjoying myself but part of me was doing it to make her jealous.

 

When I realised nothing I could do would ever change her mind.. A switch flicked inside me..

 

So really, while NC might be good in moving on or maybe getting her back. But I think if your the kind of person who cant handle the uncertainty (like me). It might be better to try to talk or fight it at at the point of the break up, until you know there is absolutely no hope.

 

Atleast you have closure..

 

All I can say is weights lifted off my shoulders, my heads clear, my heart doesnt ache anymore. I feel a pang of sadness but then I'd be human not too. I think I did all the grieving the last few weeks, which probably softened the blow.

 

At any rate, thanks for all the replies! Your all amazing!

 

@ Irresolute: Maybe your in the same boat as me? Perhaps giving what I did a try will have the same effect?

 

I think what you have shared here is solid. I know it goes against the "NC no matter what" mantra that is touted here, but you're right that some people need to know definitively to help them move forward. And..as you said, going NC can leave the door open in some cases for "what if", doesn't it?

 

Granted, I think there are certain situations where NC no matter what definitely should be practiced. Such as when people are abusive,cheaters, etc. because in that case getting back together is the last harm the dumpee needs. In your case though, I get why you did it and I'm glad it was able to help you to come to terms of acceptance.

[SoThatHappened]

Yes, I'm in the same boat as you. I'm slowly starting to realize as well that nothing will make him change his mind. I'm not the one. I will never be.

I was posting some pics of facebook of me with friends having fun, with the secret hope he'll realize how fun and cute I am, and he'll change his mind.

Nope. I'm not the one for him. I will never be.

 

Difference here is that I know if I contact him, he'll reply. He likes me. but not enough.

The closure is on me. He'll never give that because he likes to keep his doors open "just in case". that's the kind of man I love

You're beautiful, obviously intelligent. I'll do my damndest to make you forget about him.

 

Kbrew is doing better and has realized a lot. We're done here right?

 

Joking, slightly, but good job, kbrew. You've realized something in a matter of weeks that takes others a long time.

 

You'll be fine

Edited July 30, 2014 by SoThatHappened