Did I completely ruin my chances with him?

[sunshine15]

Me and my ex boyfriend met last year.We made instant connection. He was 19 and I was 18, we were on our first years of college. We discovered we attended the same school (we both study engineering), we liked almost the same music, had the same spiritual and romantic views... we started dating after one month or so after having met.

 

He was my first boyfriend so I was excited with the new experience. I wasnt her first though. He might have had experience but I noticed he wasnt good at handling a relationship. The first few weeks were so beautiful, it was real infatuation. We wanted to be with each other everyday we could. We got physical very quickly (didnt have sex after two months of dating though)... but that was one big problem. We spent a lot of time together, he took me places where we could be alone watching the stars, we played in an orchestra together and spent time with our friends there, even went to trips.

 

I noticed he was not the kind of guy that was that affectionate. The first days he was very romantic, even in the first weeks, he talked about how he loved me, had him dazzled with me, he was so overwhelmed by me. Everyday after we spent time together we would text me saying I was the best thing that ever happened to him. In Spanish we have a way of saying I love you, but less intense. Its Te quiero. You can even say it to a friend. Well... I used to say te quiero, and he said te quiero mas (more). I noticed something was wrong however... I dont know what it was, but I felt as though he was not that into me as I was into him. At the 3 week mark I wanted to make things clear... If he wasnt sure about being in a relationship with me, we could just call it quits and no one got hurt... he got scared and said he absolutely didnt want to stop dating me. He wanted me to see he was capable of being more caring... So well, we went on.

Months passed... he started acting a little bit distant, maybe just busy with his own activities. He wasnt the kind of guy who went out that much. He liked to party, I knew that. Around the three month mark I noticed him a lot more distant. He was starting to show his true self... was sarcastic when I talked about my feelings, invalidated them, mocked them... I remember one week I was having eye surgery and he didnt call me to know how I was doing. He was so very distant I called him and asked him whats wrong... You have been like this for weeks now. He said there was nothing wrong, just university, but still was acting cold towards me. I remember him saying: So... do you want to break up? I was like no! How do you even suggest the idea?

We reconciled a few days after... by me talking to a friend of his. He said he was never in a serious relationship and that he had no idea how I was really feeling, and that the one who had to carry the pants was me. By this time we had started to have sex by the way... it had become into something addictive. His friend said he noticed how we would spend time together, but not exactly talking or bonding, just having sex... He said: dont expect him to take you seriously when all you do is get physical.

 

So I got scared... the physical part was always constant through all the relationship. We both had very high libidos, our sex was great and we enjoyed it. We passed some good times together bonding with his family and going out and doing innocent things though... summer was the best. There was a balance in everything. He finally started to say I love you, give me letters telling me about how he felt.

 

But he started acting all distant as always... it was constant. He has always been the kind of guy who liked to show that he was a --man-- so to say... he sometimes acted so cold and told me hurtful things like...one night we were talking on the phone and he said: I think you should meet other people. Open relationships are great, and I know a couple who works great like this. I got so offended that night I cried myself to sleep. Next day he called me and asked me if there was something wrong and I told him that what he said hurt me and made me second guess our relationship, because clearly we were not standing in the same page. He said he was so sorry he didnt want to hurt me, it was all a joke, etc...

 

2 weeks passed I think and I again told him that I thought that the relationship wasnt going to work out... he was so distant and cold. I couldnt handle it. He said that he only wanted my happiness and that if breaking up would make me happy, then he would support my decision, but that he didnt want to be apart from me and that he would try to change that aspect of him. I told him ok... I dont want to be apart from you. We had a great Valentines Day, a great dinner with his parents, everything was perfect... until we started college again. We started seeing each other less regularly and when we did, it was for having sex only. He started acting wild, only went out to parties and started hanging out with some girls who I got suspicious with. I found out he liked to dance with them in inappropriate ways, and when I confronted him about it he said thats what clubs are for. He started being so cynical and so distant. He said we didnt spend much time together but he didnt want to spend time with me. He would leave early even though there could be a chance of us meeting for a brief time at uni, etc. He was basically avoiding me. He hanged out with his friends a lot more than he hanged out with me, and still said the bulls/t excuse that he was busy. I was busy with college too, but I somehow found time to spend with him, he always refused.

 

We had a full week free. He went out with his friends to some trip in the beach and I was FURIOUS! I was so fed up with him saying he was busy and not spending enough time with me. He didnt even tell me he was going out on a trip, didnt even invite me. I called him that day and he hung up after saying: there you go again ranting. That night he called me again and I was angry. I said look, if things are going to be this way I want to break up with you. Im not being happy, you are not treating me like a girlfriend, you never have time to spend with me. He said it was all my fault (somehow) that night we had our first big fight. One week passed and he still acted all distant so I asked for a break to see if our relationship could work out. He was very sad and said that he didnt want to separate from me, but if that was what I wanted, he would respect me. That week he was still acting all indifferent so I broke up with him one night... I told him I didnt want his breadcrumbs. I loved being with him but he wasnt giving me what I was looking for in a relationship. He begged me to stay with him, that it could all work out... I said no. You are never going to change.

 

Next day I was willing to give him another chance... I could barely sleep. He told me he wanted to be separated from me. Break up with me. Those two days in which we were broken we texted back and forth everyday as if nothing had happened... we talked on the phone. Finally one night I texted him a big message begging him to get back with me, that we could work things out, and he said ok... maybe we can learn to love again. I was so happy... that month was the best. It was his birthday and I got some things for him... but he started acting wild all again. Just went to parties. I was like... well... I dont want to be jealous. I will give him his space so I did. I only confronted him with a girl with whom he was talking a lot once, and he got pretty angry. One day we had an incident of me regarding being jealous of one of his friends that he was meeting after so long. I got up and got out from there and my boyfriend said that it was enough. The next day he went on a trip with his family and broke up with me via text message.

 

Its been 6 weeks and I have lost a lot of weight. I hate him being like that. Why is he that cold and distant? He told me he had fallen out of love with me but still loved me. I cant even begin to tell how much times I cried in front of him, begging him for another chance. He would always say no, its not going to work out. This month I had been trying to do the NC thing and broke it two times, so I totally lost my credibility. He said he was tired of me. We still had sex though... I know, that was a big mistake. He said are we really doing this? If you are ok with it, Im ok with it, but its just sex, no feelings involved. I couldnt BELIEVE he was telling me this just weeks after we were having sex saying I love you to each other??? Anyways I was so desperate I accepted. We encountered exclusively to have sex, although we spent some time together after it talking or dancing, whatever.

 

Last week I called him and he said he didnt want to see me (we are on vacations right now). He said he wanted to get over me but he couldnt because he was constantly seeing me... I said please let me come over, I miss you terribly. He said no... and I didnt care and went to his house. He wasnt mad though... he received me with a smile and said you always do what you want. We had sex and then I offered him to make him company and he said no, I want to be alone... So i left.

 

Three days ago a friend of him told me that he had a crush on this girl before we broke up, that he talked trash about me and mocked the fact that I was still after him. So I confronted him about it and told him how can you (a man) talk this badly about me, when you know I love you inconditionally? Why are you doing this to me? He said everything was a lie and said he was surprised I had believed this person instead of him despite of all our time together (we had one year of relationship)

 

Yesterday I texted him and called him and he said he couldnt care less about my opinion, that he didnt love me anymore and that he didnt want to be with me. He said he wanted space and that the possibility of us getting back together is open but he didnt want to give me false hopes, because that wasnt happening in the near future. I said Im so scared of losing you... clearly you dont share the same fear and he said, not as much as you.

 

Im afraid I ruined ALL MY CHANCES of getting back with him... I dont know why he changed that drastically. I have nothing left but to respect him and give him space, but he said he wanted to detach himself from me emotionally... so he will move on! Are there any chances of us getting back together after many months? How should I act now?

 

Im so scared of losing him!

[I am Bud]

Dear sunshine15

 

Since he was your first boyfriend it is understandable that you want to hold on for dear life but it is high time to let this relationship go. You have done all you can from your end and there is nothing more that you can or should really do. It sounds like he has been over this relationship for some time but has never had the courage to break it of cleanly. From his actions he sounds like a bit of a player. Not being honest in his actions and feeling towards you, treating you with disrespect, using you to satisfy his own urges and trying to make you break off the relationship by giving you less and less attention.

 

Being that you are in college it is not surprising that you found a guy who is not looking for a serious relationship but is looking to have a good time and sow his oats. The first year of college was new to him and he was lucky that have found a girlfriend in you. But now that he is into the full swing of things and starting to expand his network of friends as well as meeting other ladies, he has definitely flown the coup. Appreciate what you had with him because you know deep down that he wasn't as mature as you were in the relationship. His feelings are still juvenile at best. Apply the NC rule and get on with your life. The sooner that you get over him the sooner you can let the right guy into your life.

 

All the best - Bud

[sunshine15]

I Know this relationship is past its expiration date... I dont know why I dont want to let it go. He entered into my life when I was in a kind of depressive state... he said I know how to cheer you up... I know how to make you happy... and told me how beautiful I was to him everyday, was excited when he saw me... now is the total opposite. He has changed so drastically. I know he treated me like a jerk and nothing he said to me in the past matters now... what matters NOW is that he doesnt WANT ME... he said hurtful things to me like I wont miss you. I want to be alone. And I will move on and I wont get closed to the option of dating other people. I said Im so afraid of losing you... he said he didnt share my fear.

 

Im so distraught. The person I fell in love with is no longer here and I dont know why??? He blamed me through all of our arguments. I thought I was doing my best as a girlfriend. I put up with all of his crap because I loved him, and I never gave up on us. And now he says he is over me? Please I cant get over this. I dont know how to make my life better... I dont want to get out of bed. He is out partying and probably hooking up... Im here all lonely and miserable without him

 

2 days ago we argued about what went wrong in the relationship. He mentioned sex (?!!!) said it was too much and there was less and less love with time... me not being with him on the same page regarding going out and having fun ((!!!) I mean... I cant believe he is 20 years old!!! an adult man?? how can he talk like that?

I told him my trust was completely destroyed when I found out he had been sleeping with his ex just 2 months before we started dating. I said Im your rebound!! You were still in love with her, thats so little time to get over someone! And you still talked to her while we were in a serious relationship. Why did you keep that fact away from me? He said Im sorry but thats the dumbest excuse Ive ever heard. I give you 0 points and you dont pass to the other round. I was DEVASTATED how can he treat me like this??? He said if you start crying I will hang up.

 

Sorry I just cant believe the person I loved wasnt like this and now Ive lost him... I dont know who this monster is. I want my lover back... Its so hard for me to accept that its over.

Edited July 27, 2014 by sunshine15