robertasmith Posted July 25, 2014 Share Posted July 25, 2014 (edited) Hi everyone: I've been with my boyfriend for almost 8 months now. Context: it hasn't been easy, he's very insecure and I have this constant habit of saying I want to break up (I guess we both are). I've done this in every relationship I've had and I'm seriously trying to change it, I know it's really hurtful. I never end up doing it, but he does, he kinda finishes what I start. The thing is, we both had started working on the relationship when we realized we were probably running away out of fear. It started to get better, but we still had some fights these last 3 days. Since we've fought recently, it just doesn't run smoothly, I'm sad I guess, so yesterday when we were in his car, I was quiet and a little bit thoughtful.He asked me to stay with him because he was sick, I had a cold last week so I said maybe I should stay at home this time (I always stay at his place, this option was pretty rare). But he felt it was selfish, he said we were expecting different things out of the relationship (I thought we would've understood that I also needed to take care not to get sick again), and he said everything felt awkward, that I was too quiet, and without asking anything about it he tried to break up. I say "tried" because I didn't let him. I convinced him not to and I went home with him. Obviously I know this was somewhat unwise. Now I feel stupid and everything seems so unbalanced, I feel he's much less flexible now than he was before, snaps out easily, everything frustrates him, etc. He sees I'm sad and instead of asking or taking it as something we can share because we are both kind of bruised he has no tolerance. This sucks for me because it was only 3 days ago that we were loving each other, having fun, being able to talk directly with no games and finally distancing ourselves from the first months of our relationship. This morning he apologized, saying he was tired, frustrated, that he feels like we get stuck in the same dynamics, and said we should try it out anyways, with a very very tired look on his face. In the shower he said "Man if you weren't so pretty I don't think we'd still be together now". Ouch. He apologized said he was joking (what a joke huh?). He said he loved me and I still feel some of that love in him, but his joke... I see he's so tired and frankly that inhibits me, it just blocks me. However, I do love him, I want it to work, but now I feel like I forced things... I feel horrible and scared of him wanting to leave if I'm sad or quiet or whatever. And I find it unfair... but I also want to be with him. I just don't know how to be kind and regain some respect without becoming doormat (if it hasn't happened already). Any advice for me? Thanks! Edited July 25, 2014 by robertasmith Link to post Share on other sites
EricaH329 Posted July 25, 2014 Share Posted July 25, 2014 Oh hunny, i'm so sorry you are sad I can feel your emotions throughout your post. I am very proud of you for being able to recognize the issues that both of you have. It takes some people years, if ever, to realize and acknowledge that. So, be proud of that! I feel that maybe you both have issues (as we all do) that need to be taken care of. There are insecurities within both of you that become worse once together. It's taken me years to realize that I cannot be happy with someone else, without being able to make myself happy first. You have to be able to feel secure within yourself before you can feel secure in a relationship. I think that you should take some time, alone, to reflect on your feelings and thoughts. Figure out how to manage them, and work towards overcoming insecurities. I think he should do the same. As much as you want to be with him, I fear that it will only get worse if you do not take the time apart to do the reflecting and self-improvement needed to maintain a healthy relationship. We (as a community) are here to help you through this. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author robertasmith Posted July 28, 2014 Author Share Posted July 28, 2014 Oh hunny, i'm so sorry you are sad I can feel your emotions throughout your post. I am very proud of you for being able to recognize the issues that both of you have. It takes some people years, if ever, to realize and acknowledge that. So, be proud of that! I feel that maybe you both have issues (as we all do) that need to be taken care of. There are insecurities within both of you that become worse once together. It's taken me years to realize that I cannot be happy with someone else, without being able to make myself happy first. You have to be able to feel secure within yourself before you can feel secure in a relationship. I think that you should take some time, alone, to reflect on your feelings and thoughts. Figure out how to manage them, and work towards overcoming insecurities. I think he should do the same. As much as you want to be with him, I fear that it will only get worse if you do not take the time apart to do the reflecting and self-improvement needed to maintain a healthy relationship. We (as a community) are here to help you through this. Thank you so much, you are very sweet. That's exactly what we finally decided to do. I hope I can solve my own issues first and he can solve his own. Link to post Share on other sites
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