GIGS and extreme stress caused us to break up?

[catniss826]

A week ago, my boyfriend (now ex) of almost 7 months decided to break up with me. On that night, he came home at 10pm after going to work then hanging out w/ his friends and messaged me to tell me he was home. I was pissed off because I felt neglected and taken for granted because he could never find the time to at least say "hi" and let me know he's there. It had felt like that for the last month (but he has his reasons I will address later). I only wanted a greeting and expected that much from him. I confronted him and it led to him doubting our relationship (suggesting we should take a long break then decided to break up). I was so devastated and of course, my initial reaction was to hold on and reassure him that I can be there for him.

 

He's been going through A LOT of stress, especially for a young man his age (18). His dad has HIGH expectations of him like to cook, to clean, to pay all his own bills (water, cellphone, electric), constantly berates him and takes his anger out on him verbally and recently started to require that he pays monthly rent of $500 to stay in their own apartment. His dad really wants him learn independence and I guess that's just his way of parenting (causing my ex stress). On top of that he has citizenship issues (so he is unable to drive), stress about entering college, problems with friends, 2 jobs, has to sell electronics on the side to make money, etc. He told me I was the perfect girlfriend but I didn't deserve to be dragged down with him struggling through personal issues and emotions. He really did stress that “it wasn't me” and he needed to handle his situation, stabilize his life ALONE. There was nothing that was a major issue in our relationship, we were truly in love. We made crazy promises to eachother like teenagers usually would because we seriously meant it and were sincere. Before breaking up with me, he considered asking me to just stay with him and hope for the best. I freaked out and was insecure that he just wanted to end it with me but wanted to save my feelings by continuing our relationship. I didn't want to be with someone who didn't want to be with me. He said, “Yes, I do want to break up because I feel like you don't deserve to go through this but no, I don't want to break up because I feel like being selfish and staying with you.” Inevitably, we ended up breaking up. He said it was best for us and especially for me as my parents do not want me to date (I'm turning 18 in 2 months) so that problem needs to be settled (although I know many couples with disapproving parents but they are just fine, this shouldn't affect our relationship).

Usually, most people would just recommend straight up NC but I wanted answers. I was so confused, hurt and insecure by his choice. We kept talking for the next few days and it was mainly me asking for answers so I could finally have closure. I kept trying to compromise that he can lean on me and I'll be there for him as long as we stay together. I didn't want him to give up on me like that. It was too sudden for me to process. We had just been on a date 5 days prior and we had a great time, we were in love. I didn't understand how it would just disappear like that.

 

We kept talking after he broke up with me as he BEGGED me that although we can't be together, he wants us to stay best friends as he said he still cared for me. He has never met a girl like me; never fallen in love and never knew a girl who would care about him and love him unconditionally. He said this may be the worst decision of his life, he may be giving up the love of his life but he cannot stand to hold onto me when he knows I'll be unhappy and dealing with his overwhelming stress/life issues. It would be “unfair of him” to keep me waiting when he believed I deserved someone “stable” as his life is too unstable right now. He said he wanted me to move on. He thought it was unfair that he'd always depend on me to make him feel better when he thinks he couldn't do the same for me. I guess, it really hurt his ego and pride.

He said he needed to unload as much baggage as he could because he felt like he was going to do something stupid. He thought it was a waste to just stop talking and be “awkward ex's” when our relationship was too valuable to throw away. At first, I felt like being friends was the only thing I could do for him because that's all he wanted of me. To be there for him but only as a friend, not gf. He said he couldn't deal with a relationship right now because he felt like a bad boyfriend; that I don't deserve that. I felt his confusion and hesitation to let me go. He kept asking me, “What about your happiness?”

 

As we kept discussing things, I noticed he kept saying we should be friends “for now”. “For now” kept popping up. He accidentally called me “darling” (typed it out, although I don't get how that's an accident), that maybe in the future we'll get back together and if we felt like we needed/loved eachother, we could always get back together. He also said, “I want you to get over me but I don't want to get over you.” It kept building hope that this would all be over and we'd reunite soon. That's all I wanted. We were always strong despite problems that we faced in our lives and pulled through no matter what. Eventually, he decided that he believes “we still love eachother but he loves me not as a gf, but maybe as a friend.” It absolutely shattered my heart. 10 days prior to our breakup, he greeted me calling me his “beautiful wife”. How could his love... just disappear? I was angry and I assumed he used stress as an excuse when really, he just got sick of me and wanted to date around. I kept demanding his REAL answers, I didn't want my feelings to be played around with. He said, “I want to experiment. Have fun, no seriousness. We're both still young. I don't want to worry about seriousness.” At that moment, I felt relieved because I was insecure he broke up because it was about me. What he was trying to say didn't hit me. So he broke up with me because of two reasons “stress and experimentation”. He reassured me I was his best girlfriend ever again, I never did anything wrong but he said, “You're the best girlfriend I could ever ask for but without experiencing anything else, how would I know? It feels safe and the best choice to be with you but I don't know that until I experiment.” Then he said, “If it weren't for stress, I'd probably still be with you”. I was calm at this time and accepted his feelings, agreed with his thinking that we were too young to be serious and that we should stay best friends, even. But my insecurities started to kick in because I was scared he felt this even when we were together and pretended to be in love. He said that he himself doesn't know when he felt this way, “people just change”. So we continued to talk “as friends” as I tried to make myself feel it was normal, I tried convincing myself I wasn't hurt. I even said, “I feel like I shouldn't date right now anyway because I need to focus on school (I'm entering college soon just as he is)”. He agreed and playfully said, “Team Single!” I thanked him for letting me experience falling in love and that I was happy it was him. He agreed we were deeply, deeply mad in love as he strongly believed all the promises he made to me too. But he said one thing that kicked all my fake relief/happiness down. “Who knows what the future holds for the both of us”.

 

I felt a pang of pain that we weren't together, that he broke my heart so suddenly, and the confusion came rushing back. It was important for me to do what I can for him and be his best friend through his stress and struggles right now as that's all he wanted and if I relieved his stress, maybe he'd realize he needed me. Although he directly said he didn't want me to wait because it was unfair; did he think that if he didn't find anything better, I would accept him with open arms? That hurt my ego. I had hope inside me but I ultimately decided, we could NOT stay close. It was EXTREMELY painful for me and I felt that inside, I would NEVER get over him if he chose to move on right away. I wasn't going to be his former love of his life/best friend and watch him make out and “experiment” with someone else. I did not deserve to go through that.

 

I realized he had a case of GIGS or Grass Is Greener Syndrome motivated by his personal overwhelming stress. He knew I was the best but wanted to see if he could find something better and he believed his stress would be relieved if he didn't have to be in a relationship. Deep down, I just knew he was going to regret this. Of course, I want him to have fun and feel freedom but what did being with me have to do with it? Why couldn't we enjoy our youth together? Why go for temporary fun and “freedom” with no solid fulfillment or emotional security/stability when it is ultimately better to be thankful for what you have that IS fulfilling and potentially grow even into something more beautiful, grateful for unconditional love and enjoy the freedom of love? When we were together, we were very understanding and trusted eachother. If he wanted to go to a party, I let him. If I wanted to go to one, he let me. We were never the type of couple who controlled eachother. There were almost no restrictions in our relationship.

 

Of course I had a sense of reality and there was a possibility for us to break up but why did it have to end so suddenly like this when there are so many issues in his life that are making him think irrationally? I love him so much but I feel like him being unhappy with himself and being stressed out made him feel like he fell out of love. I just can't simply stand the thought of letting him go to someone else when we still had so much to do together as a couple (I'm going to drive soon so we never got to go on the dates we anticipated). He was giving up “the love of his life”, a relationship that was perfect in search for greener grass when in fact the grass is greener if you WATER it.

I realized his grass is greener mindset and told him although throwing our relationship away would be a waste and I knew he wanted me to be his friend, it was unfair to me. I wasn't going to pretend I moved on 100% and lie to myself. I told him it was best for me to keep my distance and yes, I could be his friend but we couldn't be close. At least, not immediately. He said, “I don't know what to say... ugh” and I never replied hoping NC would make him snap out of it; to make him realize he really did need me to feel happy if I was absent. Through all this, I still have that glimmer of hope he will regret letting me go and everything will be back to normal. Please offer me any advice/guidance as I need help with this situation. I'm sorry if any of this was confusing, my mind is all over the place.

[StrongLass]

He said, “I want to experiment. Have fun, no seriousness. We're both still young. I don't want to worry about seriousness.” “You're the best girlfriend I could ever ask for but without experiencing anything else, how would I know? It feels safe and the best choice to be with you but I don't know that until I experiment.”

 

He said he wants to experiment. That's really all you need to be hearing clearly out of everything else he's been saying.

 

Then he said, “If it weren't for stress, I'd probably still be with you”.

 

Whatever. Relationships don't exist in a vacuum. You think he'd be able to handle the stress of losing a job/having a child/getting married with that kind of attitude? Besides, there's that little PROBABLY in there (he's told you he wants to experiment, not being able to handle the stress is a weak side excuse at best)

 

Although he directly said he didn't want me to wait because it was unfair; did he think that if he didn't find anything better, I would accept him with open arms? That hurt my ego. I had hope inside me but I ultimately decided, we could NOT stay close. It was EXTREMELY painful for me and I felt that inside, I would NEVER get over him if he chose to move on right away. I wasn't going to be his former love of his life/best friend and watch him make out and “experiment” with someone else. I did not deserve to go through that.

 

Good, good. You've made the right call, nobody deserves that.

 

the grass is greener if you WATER it.

 

No comment, I just love this.

 

 

I realized his grass is greener mindset and told him although throwing our relationship away would be a waste and I knew he wanted me to be his friend, it was unfair to me. I wasn't going to pretend I moved on 100% and lie to myself. I told him it was best for me to keep my distance and yes, I could be his friend but we couldn't be close. At least, not immediately. He said, “I don't know what to say... ugh”

 

Sounds like he was counting on having you around as a kind of security blanket, too bad for him. you're doing VERY well so far!

 

Through all this, I still have that glimmer of hope he will regret letting me go and everything will be back to normal.

 

IF that ever happens trust me, it won't genuinely happen for a good long time. Long enough for you to be over him & well on your way to something better.

 

Don't beat yourself up too badly about any of this, if he ends up regretting it that's tough but it was ultimately his choice to choose "experimenting" over you.

 

Even though you feel like a mess rest assured, you ARE doing what you should be for this kind of situation. There are plenty of others on this site willing to provide more feedback and support should you need it You got this!