Breaking up with a leach and trying to stick with the decision.

[Shindig]

Relevant background. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/470265-needing-time-myself-my-relationship

 

Me [32F] and my other half [30M] have been together 4.5 years. We dated long distance for the first 2 years and he moved in with me after he was laid off (also a cross country move). We have many common interests (literature, entertainment, etc.) and core values (religion, children, e.g.). There's a division of labor that isn't quite fair and finances are entirely my burden - he does the bulk of laundry, takes out garbage, replaces the A/C filters and fills our water dispenser; I do the bulk of cooking, cleaning and looking after our pets. Generally our relationship is harmonious, but recently I've been under particular pressure at work and less tolerant of the lack of 'me time' that he really seems genuinely unable to give me without passive aggression and other 'punishments'.

 

His need to be close to me and spend time with me became a problem within a few weeks of us moving in together. I struggled with him smothering me the minute I walked in the door after working all day. He's at home all day, alone with chores, job applications, video games and our animals and reasonably lonely. I decided to try and remedy this situation first by asking him to give me a few minutes to decompress so I could give him a honest loving hug and kiss instead of a forced resentful one and the resentment I got in return forced me to spend a few minutes sitting in the car in our driveway listening to music instead.

 

Not soon after I started looking for additional time to myself when work became more stressful so I joined a gym I knew he couldn't afford and attended twice a week after work and sometimes once on the weekends. He scraped together the cash to join and started coming along despite my request that he respect my time. Eventually he hurt himself and kept attending even though the pain made him unpleasant to be around when we got home. I had to stop going to get him to stay home and heal.

 

Last fall I asked him to go home and visit his family for a week so I could have a break. It took him 8 weeks to plan it and a lot of passive aggression when he got home.

 

Recently work became more demanding and I can only reasonably work on my project at home and at my work. I offered to rent an office space so I could have q place to work uninterrupted by him, my boss, coworkers, etc. and he admonished me for spending too much money and accused me of cheating. I offered solutions to get him out of the house instead (to buy him a gym membership, to volunteer somewhere, to go running outside, to go out for drinks with friends, to start playing guitar again and join a band, e.g.) but each was met with an excuse for why he couldn't.

 

Meanwhile he's was unemployed and limits his search to emailing recruiters and filling out applications online. I'm starting to question his dedication to finding work - he's turned down job offers with longer commutes and jobs that weren't exactly what he wanted to do and won't even apply to entry level jobs that aren't in his field.

 

We'd been to half a dozen sessions of couples therapy, but getting him there was like pulling teeth. I tried introducing him to active listening and IFS; he dismissed me and that he didn't need to do any of that. I asked him to try individual therapy and he condescended to me saying it was a crutch and that I was unable to understand his feelings because i was so accustomed to having my feelings validated in CBT.

 

Obviously this is the bad stuff. I care about this person. I admire his intelligence, he's hilarious and fun to be around (when he's not pouting) and he's really a kind person. I'm aware that my being buried at work was a big part of the drain in my patience (that allowed me to survive without significant amounts of 'me time' up until this point) and that he's probably feeling like I'm creating a fundamental incompatibility between our relationship and my ambitions needlessly. I was not as able to tolerate his understandable frustration with being unemployed. I was just so tired of being at the center of his universe, telling him what to do, entertaining him, deciding what to eat for dinner, being a mother to him basically and not being able to have a few moments when I don't have to negotiate, direct or be self conscious. My work situation is temporary and starting in July I'll have more time for both of us and less pressure from work, but this need isn't going away. I was thinking I owe him a few more goes at couples therapy, but wondered if it's worth it.

 

SO I broke up with him. We're still living together and he actually got a job. Unfortunately that hasn't improved things much and I don't want to have to break up with him every time I need him to behave like an adult. He says he wants to win me back, but he's not acting like it by a long shot.

 

For example, he doesn't have a car so I've been lending him mine. He doesn't seem to understand that his having a set of keys is for MY convenience, not his. He's been leaving with my car and not telling me, creeping around early in the morning in order not to wake me up (He's been sleeping in the garage, thank goodness for that at least.). I also had to walk to an appointment last night and was late because he flaked on returning my car by the time he said he would and didn't even bother to let me know he was keeping past when he said he'd return it. Whether he genuinely doesn't understand that this isn't okay or he's just being a ****, it's unacceptable. I'm going to ask him to return the keys to force him to ask to use the car when he needs it. Again, I feel like I'm raising a snotty entitled teenager.

 

He reads my messages with friends over my shoulder. He hasn't contributed a dime to household expenses. He's flaked when I've asked him to take care of appointments that I then have to scramble taking public transportation and forcing me to ignore my pressing deadlines at work to take care of it after the people we made the appointments with let me know... since he didn't bother to tell me. The list goes on, but I'm not going to.

 

Basically, I really deserve a more considerate and more supportive partner.

 

I rented a new place. He can't afford half of it even with his new job (but he did ask to rent a room, not sure about that part yet...). I'm ready to take care of the animals by myself. A friend who's a vet tech has volunteered to help me administer meds to the recalcitrant old timer. Other friends are lining up guys who want to date a girl who has a high paying job, loves gaming/cosplay and has incredible patience and generosity. I'm not quite ready for that, but it's good to know they think I'm eligible.

 

How do I cope with the anxiety of parting ways? How do I keep from oscillating or regretting my decision? Thanks in advance.

[soccerrprp]

He is trying to KEEP YOU AT ALL COST. He is trying to control your and his environment as much as possible b/c you are his "meal ticket." People who do what your bf does is trying to control and too many confuse it with attention, love, etc. Get out of this. He is showing you EXACTLY what he is and to be in the future.

[Shindig]

So far, so good. I've got my own place and have started reaching out to crushes I'd pushed out of my mind while I was in a relationship.

 

Every time I see him, he promptly reminds me of what a flaccid loser he is. It's really pathetic. Obviously our relationship didn't start out that way, but I still wonder what I saw in him.

Edited June 20, 2014 by Shindig
improved clarity/confusing language correction

[KaliLove]

So far, so good. I've got my own place and have started reaching out to crushes I'd pushed out of my mind while I was in a relationship.

 

Every time I see him, he promptly reminds me of what a flaccid loser he is. It's really pathetic. Obviously our relationship didn't start out that way, but I still wonder what I saw in him.

 

:laugh:

 

I'm so sorry to laugh, but the term 'flaccid loser' cracked me the eff up!!!

 

It sounds like you did the right thing. I'm glad you're doing so well.

[jbelle6]

This guy sounds like more work than my six year old! I think you are making a good decision.

I would NOT rent him a room, he'll just keep taking advantage, maybe being late with rent etc.

 

You are doing the right thing for sure!

[Shindig]

I'm glad I can give you a chuckle. I have this thing about calling anybody a 'dick' since [personally] I think dicks are awesome. They're just lame when they're limp.

 

Any more of his pouty, self-pitying festival of wallowing and I'll puke. When I was packing my things he says "take my board games, I won't use them." That's right, you have no friends because you've become a disgusting co-dependent shut-in.