Grief, long distance and breaking up [update]

[54321]

I stopped feeling the way I did about my long distance boyfriend and as hard as I tried, as hard as we both tried, I could not feel for him what I used to feel. I couldn't see myself trying to spend my life with him anymore. There were many things wrong with the relationship and though I miss him and I miss his friendship, when I realized that trying any longer would be giving him false hope, I had to tell him the truth, that I want to feel something more in a relationship. It's not just that the initial burst of excitement about being together had faded. ALL the excitement had faded and I couldn't get it back.

 

But I am left wondering what killed the feelings I once had. We still had things in common and I still care what happens to him, though I can't have a direct say in it (if I ever could). I need to try to understand what happened better to be able to make my peace with it and move on. What I want to understand is the role that grief can play in relationships and why it contributes to destroying some and not others.

 

While his father was dying, we were very close. Once he actually died, my now ex-boyfriend was not very responsive in conversation. I knew it was hard for him and I didn't behave impatiently with him while he was going through it. He spent a lot of money on something without telling he was going to do it while this was going on, which made me think he was not so serious about our future, though he didn't understand it that way at all. He also refused to tell me concretely when we could plan to be together. So I think I kind of started to move on while he was grieving, even as I gave him the space to grieve. Once he stopped grieving, it was like it was a shock to him that I had kept living that whole time and moving forward. (Just to be clear, I never kept it secret from him what I was planning. He just didn't have much of a reaction until he stopped thinking about his father constantly.) I made my own plans about things I was passionate about. I also didn't actually have the choice to wait around, because my current job has a specific expiration date and I had to plan for the next one, so I did. It's also not possible in my line of work to be very picky about where I am geographically. He was the one who should have had more flexibility, except that he was afraid of change. This might make it seem like he wasn't that into me, but that's not true at all. He is very just fearful of failure and of trying new things. He still wanted to spend our lives together, and find a way to be where I am, and I don't want him to anymore.

 

Are some grieving partners able to make plans still or do they always sort of leave you hanging until they feel better? Can a long distance relationship ever survive serious grief? If so, how? I'd be thankful for any insights anyone may have.

Edited May 14, 2014 by 54321

[d0nnivain]

When my EXs mother died he was unresponsive for about a year.

 

 

My parents passed & I have been extremely depressed. I still function but if I wasn't married I doubt I would have had much energy for a BF.

 

 

Your relationship may be able to survive his grief but it depends on him. Everybody heals differently.

[54321]

I get that it's hard to be friends after a breakup. But is there any way at all to make it work? I miss by ex-boyfriend's friendship so much. I just can't try to be more to him anymore. I didn't want this to happen, but it has. Could we possibly agree on safe topics? Or is the smallest word from me on any topic likely to be poison to him? I know he's sad, but it's so hard to deal with that. I wish I didn't have to hurt him at all, and now I'm just like pain personified? The friendship we had before we became more just doesn't matter anymore? I haven't had a word from him since it happened, and it's really hard not to say something to him myself.

[greenbee81]

I'd give him some time to heal first, few months?

 

But maybe you should keep in touch once a month?

[54321]

I'd give him some time to heal first, few months?

 

But maybe you should keep in touch once a month?

 

Reading what people say here, it makes me feel bad that I want to talk to him even though it might hurt him to hear anything from me. I can wait a few months, I guess. But forever is hard to stand. He said if we ever broke up, I might meet him somewhere someday by accident, but it would be too painful to talk ever. So basically he meant forever.

 

I also know some people do become friends after it's over, at least at some point. If he could initiate becoming more than friends, when he didn't know yet whether I would want that, it seems like once things have changed, I should have a right to try to initiate being just friends even if I don't know if he'll be responsive to it. He doesn't even necessarily need to know if I get involved with someone else or whether I'm happy or discontent. We have similar interests. If we could just talk about those and nothing else, I could be okay with that, even though I care how he is. It just feels like I've lost him forever and I don't know if I have or not.

[FredJones80]

I should have a right to try to initiate being just friends even if I don't know if he'll be responsive to it.

 

I don't mean to sound rude but from what I understand you ended it. It was entirely your right to end it for whatever reasons you have BUT you have NO "right" to try and initiate being friends.

 

Your ex is no doubt crushed, trying to piece back together his life, going through a massive range of emotions and sadness beyond despair!

 

Sorry, when you realised you didn't want to be with him (yes, you may have had a good reason) you lose ALL rights to him.

 

If you miss your friendship then tough, he's having to deal with the pain of losing your relationship so you'll just have to suck it up and deal with the pain of losing the friendship.

 

Stop thinking of your needs and be more thoughtful of his.

 

If he wants to be friends in future then that is his choice and he'll come to you.

 

Sorry to sound rude but it's rather selfish for you to think of yourself if splitting up was a one way street.

[John manning]

Who broke up with who? if you broke up with him its gonna be too hard for him to be friends with you when he wants more than that or he wants to get over you.

 

If he broke it off with you it will be so hard or you to be friends with him, it will make the healing process a lot longer and more painful.

[54321]

Stop thinking of your needs and be more thoughtful of his.

 

If he wants to be friends in future then that is his choice and he'll come to you.

 

Sorry to sound rude but it's rather selfish for you to think of yourself if splitting up was a one way street.

 

I wouldn't ask if I weren't thinking of his needs. I would not just do whatever I felt inclined to do. I've actually been thinking of his much more than he's thought of mine for a good long time. I'm tired of putting what I want second all the time just because it's so difficult for him to truly consider someone else and because his needs are so great. And it's actually not selfish at all to think of myself. There is a difference between thoughts and actions and there isn't a single person on the planet who does not think of him or herself in the course of one or another complex deliberation involving action.

 

I have not made up my mind either way, but I do have my doubts about what you are saying. I guess no one here knows him, really, so in a sense this is all moot. But I've never cut anyone off before for reasons that were exclusively personal, so I don't have experience with it. When I don't have experience with something, I ask a lot of people questions and evaluate how acquainted the sources are with the actual problem. People figure things out in different ways and it's not selfish to talk about it with other people either.

 

When I was talking about the right, I meant the right to ask "Is it okay to talk about again if we don't talk about other things?" It's a question and it seems like he could say no or say nothing. People often ask each other unwelcome questions or questions that may or may not turn out to be welcome. But isn't that what makes them questions? I suppose you're saying to you personally, in a similar situation, even being asked that would somehow be crushing. If so, that's something to consider, but only up to a point, because I suspect you'd get over it without too much difficulty. What I am proposing is not one of the inconsiderately detailed things some people say and it doesn't create false hopes. And maybe he wouldn't come to me if I didn't reassure him ahead of time that I wouldn't talk about purely personal things. He might assume I would. If he could be okay with safe topics after some time passes, maybe we'd both lose out if I didn't try. If someone actually has experience with the attempt to keep things confined to safe topics, that's something different.

[54321]

And somehow the "rude" reply doesn't bother me that much. The more I understand something, the better I feel. I don't understand well enough yet, but it still helps a little. I wasn't raised on awful silence. "Rudeness" I can handle much better. Thanks for standing in for the person who isn't talking to me in that regard. My family puts everything on the table and works it out one way or the other and then it's resolved. He was afraid of my adamance because his family likes to bottle things up and store them for the winter when there isn't enough fresh pain growing on the trees.

[stillafool]

No you cannot be friends until he is completely over you and you two never have romantic feelings about each other. You can be friends when you both can bring your new bf and gf around each other and not feel tense about it. That takes time, sometimes years. Sorry you lost a friend when you broke up with your bf but it is best that you move on and leave this guy alone to heal and move forward with another girl. To try to chat him up now is wrong. This is why I'm against people making their bfs and gfs their best friends.

[ayala]

Wait for him to come to you. Just keep yourself open to him. Don't block him, delete him, or anything like that.

 

Be available to him for when he's ready to talk to you again. If you're afraid he thinks you don't care, then he's not ready.

[54321]

He might have to see me at an event in a few months unless he's actually willing to miss something that ought to be more important to him than me anyway just for the sake of not seeing me. My not going is not an option. I've debated asking him if he wants me to avoid eye contact and stay as far away from him as possible. If I do that by default, I could leave him wondering if I hate him now or don't care how he feels. I would only do it because I care and it would be hard. Whatever else I do to spare him, I can't let him think I hate him or that I decided none of it ever mattered. I can look straight through people like I don't see them at all, but that's reserved for people who don't matter to me personally at all and with whom it is counterproductive for other reasons to have further contact. But I'm still not sure whether I should say anything.

[forever_lost]

I wouldn't ask if I weren't thinking of his needs. I would not just do whatever I felt inclined to do. I've actually been thinking of his much more than he's thought of mine for a good long time. I'm tired of putting what I want second all the time just because it's so difficult for him to truly consider someone else and because his needs are so great. And it's actually not selfish at all to think of myself. There is a difference between thoughts and actions and there isn't a single person on the planet who does not think of him or herself in the course of one or another complex deliberation involving action.

 

I have not made up my mind either way, but I do have my doubts about what you are saying. I guess no one here knows him, really, so in a sense this is all moot. But I've never cut anyone off before for reasons that were exclusively personal, so I don't have experience with it. When I don't have experience with something, I ask a lot of people questions and evaluate how acquainted the sources are with the actual problem. People figure things out in different ways and it's not selfish to talk about it with other people either.

 

When I was talking about the right, I meant the right to ask "Is it okay to talk about again if we don't talk about other things?" It's a question and it seems like he could say no or say nothing. People often ask each other unwelcome questions or questions that may or may not turn out to be welcome. But isn't that what makes them questions? I suppose you're saying to you personally, in a similar situation, even being asked that would somehow be crushing. If so, that's something to consider, but only up to a point, because I suspect you'd get over it without too much difficulty. What I am proposing is not one of the inconsiderately detailed things some people say and it doesn't create false hopes. And maybe he wouldn't come to me if I didn't reassure him ahead of time that I wouldn't talk about purely personal things. He might assume I would. If he could be okay with safe topics after some time passes, maybe we'd both lose out if I didn't try. If someone actually has experience with the attempt to keep things confined to safe topics, that's something different.

 

Try thinking about it more from his point of view. While yes, you have the freedom to say whatever you want to him as an inquiry, I would argue that it is extremely selfish of you do so. As the dumper, you basically said that your needs were greater than his, and by doing so robbing him of his relationship. There is nothing wrong with that - that is your prerogative. But to then say, "Hey I know you were in it for the long haul as much more, but let's be friends, because I'm okay with that.", and expect him to not be hurt by that question? I know when my ex asked me that very question, I was incredibly hurt, and felt like she was compassion-less for doing so. It's basically another at the broken heart: he was just reminded by you again that you don't want to be in a relationship with him.

 

Ask yourself this: If you weren't part of the equation, what would you think if one of your friends was dumped unceremoniously, then their ex asked them to be friends every once in a while? Would you not think the guy/girl was ruthless, cold, and perhaps even a bad person? A selfish person, perhaps?

 

Last bit: What you're about needs is BS, in my opinion. That's like saying, "Hey I've been helping the world and doing good in the world for so long, because the world needs it. But by doing so, I've been ignoring my own desires to wreak havoc - so it's about damn time that I should do it. It's justified." You already exercised your desires; why are you continuing to exercise them on this guy you've already hurt?

[54321]

"Ask yourself this: If you weren't part of the equation, what would you think if one of your friends was dumped unceremoniously, then their ex asked them to be friends every once in a while? Would you not think the guy/girl was ruthless, cold, and perhaps even a bad person? A selfish person, perhaps?"

 

"Unceremoniously" is an embellishment. Why do you feel qualified to talk about it like that when you really don't know what happened at all? And then there is this thing about "once in a while." When did I ever say I would ask more than once? If someone asked a friend once, and both people had been as kind as possible to each other the whole time, but my friend was sad about being asked, I would think the whole thing was unfortunate and I would wish my friend were happier. I don't think inventing a battle of good versus evil, selfish person versus victim, solves anything ultimately. That kind of exaggeration might be therapeutic temporarily for some people, but I would never encourage anger my friend wasn't already feeling. I would also try to get my friend to understand it was an unfortunate situation and it was okay to feel bad, but that I knew my friend was strong enough to get through it and learn from it. If, alternatively, it were accurate that this "unceremonious" thing happened, then I would say the dumper was a bit delusional to ask to be friends after that, and that being delusional like that is a liability in life that my friend could be happy he or she does not share.

 

I'm sorry you were hurt, but that doesn't seem like a good reason to make things up about other people. I suppose people in my position don't post here very often because they don't care about seeing something from the other person's point of view at all. Unfortunately, there's a fair amount of leaping to conclusions going on. I guess the people doing that are no more capable of being objective with me than you would be would your actual ex. And my actual ex understands I wasn't unkind to him and he doesn't invent embellishments on things I've said. He does think I'm good for the world and doesn't see me as being full of myself. I think he's good for the world too when he believes in himself. And he knows that.

 

This whole exercise is useless to the extent that people simply see me as a proxy for their own issues and don't really pay attention or give someone they don't know the benefit of the doubt and try to understand what is going on. When you project your own issues onto other people, you're not actually trying to help anyone. You're just venting, while pretending to help someone. That's selfish. But if you're mad at me, I also know it's not really me you're mad at.

[FredJones80]

This whole exercise is useless to the extent that people simply see me as a proxy for their own issues and don't really pay attention or give someone they don't know the benefit of the doubt and try to understand what is going on. When you project your own issues onto other people, you're not actually trying to help anyone. You're just venting, while pretending to help someone. That's selfish. But if you're mad at me, I also know it's not really me you're mad at.

 

You asked for opinions, what else would people base their opinion on but their own experience?

 

You just seem to want to justify every answer. If that is the case, you have your answer, do as you feel fit.

 

Don't like the answers, don't ask the question.

[forever_lost]

"Ask yourself this: If you weren't part of the equation, what would you think if one of your friends was dumped unceremoniously, then their ex asked them to be friends every once in a while? Would you not think the guy/girl was ruthless, cold, and perhaps even a bad person? A selfish person, perhaps?"

 

"Unceremoniously" is an embellishment. Why do you feel qualified to talk about it like that when you really don't know what happened at all? And then there is this thing about "once in a while." When did I ever say I would ask more than once? If someone asked a friend once, and both people had been as kind as possible to each other the whole time, but my friend was sad about being asked, I would think the whole thing was unfortunate and I would wish my friend were happier. I don't think inventing a battle of good versus evil, selfish person versus victim, solves anything ultimately. That kind of exaggeration might be therapeutic temporarily for some people, but I would never encourage anger my friend wasn't already feeling. I would also try to get my friend to understand it was an unfortunate situation and it was okay to feel bad, but that I knew my friend was strong enough to get through it and learn from it. If, alternatively, it were accurate that this "unceremonious" thing happened, then I would say the dumper was a bit delusional to ask to be friends after that, and that being delusional like that is a liability in life that my friend could be happy he or she does not share.

 

I'm sorry you were hurt, but that doesn't seem like a good reason to make things up about other people. I suppose people in my position don't post here very often because they don't care about seeing something from the other person's point of view at all. Unfortunately, there's a fair amount of leaping to conclusions going on. I guess the people doing that are no more capable of being objective with me than you would be would your actual ex. And my actual ex understands I wasn't unkind to him and he doesn't invent embellishments on things I've said. He does think I'm good for the world and doesn't see me as being full of myself. I think he's good for the world too when he believes in himself. And he knows that.

 

This whole exercise is useless to the extent that people simply see me as a proxy for their own issues and don't really pay attention or give someone they don't know the benefit of the doubt and try to understand what is going on. When you project your own issues onto other people, you're not actually trying to help anyone. You're just venting, while pretending to help someone. That's selfish. But if you're mad at me, I also know it's not really me you're mad at.

 

Wow, way to cherry-pick. "Unceremoniously" was used because I figure it's a reasonable conclusion when one person dumps another, and it isn't mutual and that one person isn't talking to another, that it's unceremonious. It isn't an embellishment at all IMHO, but that's an argument over semantics. Obviously I don't know your situation, but given that your ex hasn't been talking to you, I imagine that it has hurt him quite a bit, and that is enough knowledge to off of to imagine what it would feel like for you to suggest being friends, if only once. Apologies about the "once in a while" - I realize I misread something you said earlier. But at the same time, I think you are perhaps exhibiting some of the "delusion" you are citing as well - though, again, I don't know you or your situation. This is judged from the what you have written and your few previous posts.

 

You're asking for others' opinions, and we're never going to know the entire story because this is a public forum. So we generalize based on what we're saying. You're saying you don't know what your ex would think - I'm telling you what I thought. That's the best I can do and the best anyone can do on a public forum, and it's going to be generalize. I'm not demonizing you or imagining you as my ex; I'm trying to help you understand, which you asked for, despite now saying that you understand your ex. I do think, though, that you presume to know a lot about the situation, as indicated with the emphatic ways you talk about what your ex thinks, and are wary of others' opinions, as indicated by your response to me. I don't think you're an evil person, or are unkind to him, or anything. I think you dumped someone, and that in itself means a lot of things. I think he was dumped, and that means a lot of things.

 

It seems to me that you came here for reinforcement of your original idea. To me, I think you want reinforcement of your desire to contact him. If that's not true, maybe you should rethink the way you present your case. Because all I did was tell you I think your ex would be hurt more by you asking to be friends, and you retorted by ignoring that point and just picking at details that I will never fully understand as a stranger anyways.

 

Take what you will out of that response. All I'm trying to do is help.

[Lifegoezon]

OP I understand that the dumper isn't a bad person for needing to end a relationship and if that ending was achieved with honesty, respect and kindness then no one can criticise.

 

You should understand that this forum is mostly populated by dumpees who are bound to have more empathy with your ex's position. No we can't know details you haven't shared and shouldn't leap to conclusions. But don't be surprised to be given the mirror of the advice that is almost unanimously given to fellow dumpees whose exes try to be 'friends'. Namely don't do it. Don't expect him to accept a demotion from partner and lover to friend. Don't contact him with anything less than an unequivocal about turn. Any other course of action delays healing and loads more pain on the dumpee. You will get limited support here for what looks like an attempt to have and eat cake.

[headinthecloud]

Love is a funny game. I love the quote from the movie "HER". "Love is a socially acceptable form of crazy." It drives us to behave irrationally but that connection is also what gives us vitality. Which is why, when it's taken away from us, we feel like we lose a part of ourselves.

 

OP, asking the opinion of others is just that - their opinions. As you can see, we have very little information to draw our conclusions so people naturally will "fill in the blanks" with their own experiences and assumptions.

 

I know you're hurting. Losing a best friend is crushing. I lost 2 last year because of my failed RS. My heart was broken 3 times over, all in the course of 8 months. But I not only survived it all, I thrived. I'm a much stronger person now. Believe it or not, I'm thankful it happened. Being dumped once is bad enough but 3 times was brutal. It feels surreal now when I look back. The point is, I never want to hear from any of them unless they are seeking full reconciliation. All I ever asked from them was loyalty, and they felt that I wasn't deserving of it and chose to abandon me. So I agree with what others have said, unless he reaches out to you then please manage your own feelings of loss because he's devastated. It may take him years to get over you.

 

The advice LS'ers give can be brutal and harsh sometimes, but it usually comes from a good place. It's not always what we want to hear, but it's often what we need to. Good luck.

[54321]

Why did you broke up with him when you miss him so much. But in other side you look like a really clever girl who understand lots of things.

 

Your ex-boyfriend must be really sad about that break up. You must definitely give him some time, maybe he asking yourself why did she break up with my... Maybe is friendship with you only small consolation for him.

 

I broke up with him because neither of us could change things so I that I could feel the way I used to feel about him (inspired, confident about our future, looking forward to the future together, and the degree of attraction that goes with all of those things). I think the reason we couldn't change the way I felt enough is that he was using me as a crutch instead of pushing himself toward his own goals. Ultimately, that situation was not good for him either. There's no royal road to self-determination. It's the one thing really no one else can do for you. If you believe you're stuck, you definitely are, without even taking into account any other obstacles. We couldn't get out of this loop where he would stop pushing himself toward his goals and unhappily tread water, hiding it from himself and trying to hide it from me, while I watched in pain, totally aware of it, and then made him face what was happening again before he took a few timid steps forward and then the whole cycle started over again. He relied on that instead of pushing himself. Now he can't do that. And I don't want that role. That's not a real relationship of equals. I need to build a life with someone who is ready to build a life with me (sometime or other but not in the indefinite and ever receding future). And he needs to build a life where he doesn't depend on someone else to make him face his fears, where he's only accountable to himself, and therefore genuinely accountable to himself. Then he can really be ready for someone else. Both of those needs are more important than a romantic relationship between us. The sad thing for both of us is that apparently I also have to let him go like a parent would let a child go, without any of the rights that attend that kind of relationship. I miss the person I love more than I love our relationship. Maybe that's paradoxical, but it's true. And yes, I wish I could have the relationship, but I gave it up because it's wrong to cling to what is familiar out of fear, with someone who would never leave me, but would never really be there with me either, which is exactly what I would be doing if I stayed with him. It's wrong to treat someone that way, even if they don't realize it's happening, and it's wrong to disregard my own real needs in that way.

[Survivor12]

Personally, I think it's a bit self-indulgent and even hurtful to ask someone you just broke up with to be friends. First, if he is vulnerable, he may agree even if it will only hold him back from healing. He may also assume that it is a "foot in the door" to getting you back. On the other hand, it may make him angry that you had the nerve to ask.

 

There's also the presumption that you would know what topics or comments may be hurtful to him. Not only can you know exactly what may trigger a memory or emotion, your mere presence--the sight of you, sound/tone of your voice, the smell of your perfume--is a reminder of what he has lost.

 

My suggestion is to give him some time. If he can get by without you, you can most certainly learn to live without him.

[54321]

I know you're hurting. Losing a best friend is crushing. I lost 2 last year because of my failed RS. My heart was broken 3 times over, all in the course of 8 months. But I not only survived it all, I thrived. I'm a much stronger person now. Believe it or not, I'm thankful it happened. Being dumped once is bad enough but 3 times was brutal. It feels surreal now when I look back. The point is, I never want to hear from any of them unless they are seeking full reconciliation. All I ever asked from them was loyalty, and they felt that I wasn't deserving of it and chose to abandon me. So I agree with what others have said, unless he reaches out to you then please manage your own feelings of loss because he's devastated. It may take him years to get over you.

 

I'm sorry that happened to you. Why are you thankful it happened? Because you know you're strong enough to handle it now?

[headinthecloud]

I'm sorry that happened to you. Why are you thankful it happened? Because you know you're strong enough to handle it now?

 

Yes. It taught me to trust and believe in myself.

[54321]

I guess it's hard to own the decision. It often feels like something that happened to me even though that's not entirely true. It's like I'm hurt that he couldn't stop it from coming to this. Yes, apparently the person who does the breaking up can feel extremely powerless, and it's not as simple as "then just don't do it." I should own the decision and I should try to figure out why it's so hard to do so. I guess it's partly because I never wanted to land in a situation where I would want to make that decision. Just because it's hard doesn't mean it was the wrong decision, but just because it was the right decision doesn't mean it doesn't feel forced. I think even just seeing that helps me make peace with it some. It's true, it hurts to have someone over there, who couldn't stop it, going about the business of getting over me. He wouldn't have to get over me if he had stopped it. If I could feel at peace with what happened and no longer like it's something that happened to me, I think I am beginning to see how the most loving thing I could do would be to leave him alone. And it's not condescending to spare him contact with me? That assumes he isn't over there already realizing he's better off. But I think he's better off without me anyway, so why is that a problem? It's a problem because it's still hard for me that we're both better off apart. I don't want it to be true. But realistically, he's not over it. But if he does get over it and still doesn't talk to me ever again, I have a hard time not seeing that as unforgivable. I guess I'm going to assume that he wouldn't do something unforgivable like that.

[54321]

Don't expect him to accept a demotion from partner and lover to friend.

 

The part of me that is mad says "then he should have acted more like one." But friendships aren't built on anger either, so there's that. Thanks.

 

The flip side of that is that he did act like a friend up to a point, but his efforts at being more came off as dishonest because he couldn't bring himself to overcome his fear of change enough to do what he said he was going to do so we could be together instead of far apart and so he could be an equal partner determining the course of his own life. In that sense it's not a demotion, but what he was actually doing already, minus all the words I couldn't believe in anymore. I called the fantasy what it was, and that is what was inexcusable. I guess the reality is a pale substitute for the fantasy, though I've been living with the reality for a long, long time.

Edited May 15, 2014 by 54321

[jbelle6]

He is dealing with losing you and now you have to deal with losing him.

I hope you listen to these opinions cause we are coming from the place your ex is at right now. Look up breadcrumbs on this site, you will see how every word from the dumper is analyzed and picked apart for a sign of hope that they will want us back. This is why we do no contact and this is why your ex is doing no contact.

 

I felt like my ex told me I wasn't good enough, but hey, here's a scrap of my affection.