How to get him back

[country_girl_2857]

I have read a lot on here and so impressed with how helpful this forum is! However, I have no really found anything similar enough to my situation to be of any help, maybe I am just no good at the search tool, so apology in advance.

 

My story

 

My ex and I dated for a year and a half before breaking up two months ago, we had the most perfect relationship, lived together and did not have many fights. I am 22 and he is turning 30. In the past month of our relationship, he was under a lot of job related stress and stress of the fact that he felt he needed to settle down, but I think was ultimately fighting this. Long story short, he picked a fight with me one night over nothing and it resulted in a break up.

 

I thought this would just be a day or two and get back together. The next few days we both talked about how much we missed one another he said he hated not waking up next to me and he thought I was the one. But then slowly things drifted away he said he was confused and didn't know what he wanted, was too busy with work. We had seen each other a few times, before I found out he had been seeing another girl. I ultimately feel like he is quite classic "grass is greener" syndrome. We had such a happy relationship and out of nowhere he becomes stressed with feeling like he has to settle down and ultimately rebels by a sudden break up, partying, and talking to/seeing other women.

 

He says he does not know what he wants, he can not get over certain things right now(whatever that means)and that who knows maybe months or years down the road we can work things out. In the past few weeks I have contacted him very little, usually only responding to when he calls or texts, never the one to contact him first. He is all over the place with the texts, sometimes texting to see how I am doing, others to start a fight, it appears because he can not stand not being able to know what I am doing. Two weeks ago, I ran into him and his new fling, and I was with a group of friends, guys and girls.

 

My plan was to ignore him but he immediately came up to me giving me mouth about being there with all these guys. (whom are all friends and he was there with a date) I tried to ignore him and walk away, he continued to do this all night, harassing me about what I was doing there, right in front of her until they ended up being forced to leave. When he was not coming up to me, he was texting me things like "This sucks, huh?" Yet in person would be a total jerk. Then, last week, he was calling and texting being back and forth on wanting to work things out, and ultimately decided he did not want to.

 

I am not sure if he is just playing games doing this because he does not want to see me move on but does not want to be with me, or is really that confused. Today, he texted me asking if I had done anything that would 'hurt him' (he broke up with me and is the one who won't take ME back, right?) and when i responded that I didn't know what he was talking about and I wasn't doing anything, he blew up as typical conversations go, told me not to text him anymore (he texted me...) and that I was ruining his life. I did not respond and a few hours later he apologized. All I said was 'its ok', and have not heard back.

 

I am at a point where I need to decide on the best strategy with contact. Obviously he still contacts me about once a day or so but sometimes it is on good terms either checking on me or missing me, other times he is only texting to start a fight. He still says he does not know what he wants, although he is seeing someone else it is obvious he is not over me. I am afraid going NC will push him even more away, but my efforts telling him that I want to work things out are not doing me any favors either. Should I go completely NC and hope for the best or should I continue to let him know how I feel when he tries to talk to me? (Although my countless efforts are usually returned with "I know you miss me, but I just can't be with you RIGHT NOW")

 

Judging from the way people talk on here, I know I will get a lot of responses that the relationship is done or that I need to move on, but I know that is not the case. I think more or less he has decided that he needs to get this out of his system before he can commit to me, even if it boils down to him being mean to me to get his space, which I am respecting. I know he still loves me, he tells me this and it shows when he makes excuses to text me just so he can talk, whether it is a dumb question about something unimportant, asking how I am doing, or picking a fight.

 

I am just not sure what the best way to handle talking to him when he texts me, or running into him again, which is bound to happen. Thanks in advance for all your guys help!

Edited April 25, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[faithfully]

Go NC and read the NC GUIDE 2014. Enough said!!

 

[lil hoodlum]

It allways seems that when a dumper is confused, there is allways someone else in the picture.

[ls819]

You should read act like a lady think like a man... you're waiting on him to hopefully come back and realize you're the one even if that includes him being mean to you until. If he tells you "I know you miss me but I can't be with you right now" ... you telling him how you feel isn't getting you anywhere coz apparently he already knows. If you really want to wait around hoping one day after he gets dating other people out of his system...you should continue to be indifferent towards him.

[David87]

This caught my eye : He still says he does not know what he wants, although he is seeing someone else it is obvious he is not over me. I am afraid going NC will push him even more away, but my efforts telling him that I want to work things out are not doing me any favors either

 

Why do you want him back if he's seeing someone else ? He dumped you over a fight, but the may reason was this other girl and now he's realising that she's not that great.

 

NC will make him realise what a huge mistake he has done. Give him the opportunity to miss you. NC is for you because you need to take a break from this toxic relationship. After a couple of months you'll realise that's it's a good thing he broke up with you.

 

 

You're still young, be single for awhile and after you learn to be happy on your own I promise that you'll find your other half.

[country_girl_2857]

I appreciate your applies. I do know that this girl has come into the picture since we broke up, he was not talking to anyone until our relstionship ended. I have heard NC is not the way to go if you are wanting to rekindle and my therapist advises against doing that as it might push him away more if he thinks I have moved on he will not want to be with me after I have been with somebody wlse

[country_girl_2857]

I texted him today to say happy birthdays do he responded that he was hoping it here from me today but then a few texts later was very short in responses so I ended the conversation. Why would he say this if he did not want to talk?

[ConfusedHumanBeing]

I appreciate your applies. I do know that this girl has come into the picture since we broke up, he was not talking to anyone until our relstionship ended. I have heard NC is not the way to go if you are wanting to rekindle and my therapist advises against doing that as it might push him away more if he thinks I have moved on he will not want to be with me after I have been with somebody wlse

 

Your therapist needs to stop pumping you with game playing.

 

Where in the hell did you hear that about NC?

 

Its pretty easy. Would you rather keep being around your ex all the time and look clingy, needy, and unable to move on with him FULLY knowing he can have you as a second option....OR actually move on from it and actually LOOK like you can stand on your own two feet? What seems more attractive of the two?

 

Your relationship is done. You can get upset at us, but if he wanted to be with you, he would. This whole immature game playing he is doing is INCREDIBLY immature, but you are playing into it, which is making it worse. Cut it off now and go no contact. Personally, I dont know what you see in this immature tool, but it is what it is.

[Zahara]

I appreciate your applies. I do know that this girl has come into the picture since we broke up, he was not talking to anyone until our relstionship ended. I have heard NC is not the way to go if you are wanting to rekindle and my therapist advises against doing that as it might push him away more if he thinks I have moved on he will not want to be with me after I have been with somebody wlse

 

I'm confused by your therapist's rationale.

 

So, the fear is that if you do NC, he will think you have moved on and wouldn't want to be with you if he believes you have been with someone else.

 

BUT...

 

It's perfectly okay that HE has moved on to another woman -- sleeps with her, has sex with her, eats with her, showers with her, ravishes her body, cuddles on the couch together, takes her to the movies, spend fun weekends together -- and you are supposed to sit there and accept all that and wait around like a love sick puppy until he decides to choose you because god forbid NC will scare him? Isn't that the perfect way to teach yourself how to devalue your worth and prioritize this man's needs.

 

Unbelievable.

 

Look, the only way this man is going to value you, is when you're gone. When you have disappeared. When you dissapear, he is forced to make a decision and he is forced to come to terms with who he wants. You being there on the backburner only enables his behavior because he knows he has the security of you being available to him when he chooses. He knows you're not going anywhere, and when he knows you aren't going anywhere, he gets to have you and her at his feet.

 

The choice is yours. You can enable his indecisiveness or you can go NC and allow that to propel him to realize your value and realize what he is losing. Right now, he can't feel the loss of you because you're right there.

[country_girl_2857]

Nobody is upset here. This is an advice forum and that is what I came here for. The good and the bad whether or not it is what I want to hear. I am of a perfectly clear head with this it's been over two months. I know he may not ever come back and that I could be setting myself

Up for the worst. But I also know him very well, and I know that is response to cold feet is from running as far away as he can only to regret it later.

[Zahara]

But I also know him very well, and I know that is response to cold feet is from running as far away as he can only to regret it later.

 

Great analysis. But where does that leave you because most likely that ingrained pattern doesn't change. You can't be in a relationship or attempt at going back when most likely he'll run again.

 

The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior.

[ConfusedHumanBeing]

Nobody is upset here. This is an advice forum and that is what I came here for. The good and the bad whether or not it is what I want to hear. I am of a perfectly clear head with this it's been over two months. I know he may not ever come back and that I could be setting myself

Up for the worst. But I also know him very well, and I know that is response to cold feet is from running as far away as he can only to regret it later.

 

Cold feet? His Irrational outburst and game playing is immature at best...AND he's with someone else? Thats not cold feet...thats being a tool.

 

You need to hold YOURSELF to a higher standard. You're cool with being the second option im this? Cool with being berated with his text? Cool with sitting around while he's out doing who knows what with other girl? Screw that noise.

 

Either way, NC is your only route.

[country_girl_2857]

Wow zahara thank you that really put the whole nc idea into better perspective for me. While he does say him and this girl are just friends I am not falling for that because I think he is only saying that so I don't leave and he has no backup. I definately think I am going to do nc now. Yes I have tard the guide but how long should I keep it up? What if the reason he contacts me appears to be important because I know he will try that when I don't respond. Or if he texts wanting to work things out? What about social media? Block him or let him see the fun I am having without him?

[Zahara]

Wow zahara thank you that really put the whole nc idea into better perspective for me. While he does say him and this girl are just friends I am not falling for that because I think he is only saying that so I don't leave and he has no backup. I definately think I am going to do nc now. Yes I have tard the guide but how long should I keep it up? What if the reason he contacts me appears to be important because I know he will try that when I don't respond. Or if he texts wanting to work things out? What about social media? Block him or let him see the fun I am having without him?

 

First of all, NC is not used to get someone back. NC is used to focus on moving on and healing.

 

In this situation, he is with another woman. You don't sit around and wait for a man to choose you. Regardless of his issues, you will not damage your self-respect and self-esteem at the expense of his emotional issues.

 

When you NC, if he comes back because he realizes the loss, you can make that determination if you want him back, and if he doesn't come back, then you will have your answer BUT you will be well on your way to healing and moving on from him.

 

BUT you have to sure and ready that you want to do NC for all the right reasons. Trust me, if he really loves you, the only scare he will get from NC is the thought of losing you and fight for you.

[ConfusedHumanBeing]

Wow zahara thank you that really put the wgiv nc idea into better perspective for me. While he does say him and this girl are just friends I am not falling for that because I think he is only saying that so I don't leave and he has no backup. I definately think I am going to do nc now. Yes I have tard the guide but how long should I keep it up? What if the reason he contacts me appears to be important because I know he will try that when I don't respond. Or if he texts wanting to work things out? What about social media? Block him or let him see the fun I am having without him?

 

Block everything. Keep the guide up for as long as it takes for you to not give a s***....so a LONG time

 

Until you see a text saying "Im so sorry I want you back" then its just words. Hell, even then I'd be incredibly skeptical.

[d0nnivain]

Reconciliation requires communication & contact.

 

 

Healing & moving forward is best accomplished through NC.

 

 

Since your EX already has a new GF there isn't much you can do. He's voting with his feet if you will. While I have no idea what "I can't be with you right now" means other than he's having fun with this other woman, you can't go in there & try to win him back. He doesn't want that.

 

 

I wouldn't chase him but I would talk to him if he contacts you. Meanwhile you have to live your life as if he's not coming back.

[ConfusedHumanBeing]

Reconciliation requires communication & contact.

 

 

Healing & moving forward is best accomplished through NC.

 

 

Since your EX already has a new GF there isn't much you can do. He's voting with his feet if you will. While I have no idea what "I can't be with you right now" means other than he's having fun with this other woman, you can't go in there & try to win him back. He doesn't want that.

 

 

I wouldn't chase him but I would talk to him if he contacts you. Meanwhile you have to live your life as if he's not coming back.

 

Why would keep keep contacting him knowing he already has a new GF and essentially using her as a backup plan? That's awful.

 

OP....he made his choice, but yet keeps you around. Thats greedy, childish, and immature.

[BC1980]

Wow zahara thank you that really put the whole nc idea into better perspective for me. While he does say him and this girl are just friends I am not falling for that because I think he is only saying that so I don't leave and he has no backup. I definately think I am going to do nc now. Yes I have tard the guide but how long should I keep it up? What if the reason he contacts me appears to be important because I know he will try that when I don't respond. Or if he texts wanting to work things out? What about social media? Block him or let him see the fun I am having without him?

 

You stay NC forever in my opinion, at least you tell yourself that. Get yourself used to the idea that you won't see or speak to him again. It's pretty difficult at first, but you start to accept it more and more as time goes on. There is an extremely low chance that he will contact you with something worthy of responding to. Even if he contacted you saying he wanted to work it out, I would be skeptical as h*ll, and most people will be after a significant period of NC. In my opinion, there are very few reasons to respond to contact.

 

Block the social media for two reasons. Number one, you can't move on if you are constantly seeing what he is doing on Facebook, Twitter, ect. Number two, you are trying to use social media as a tool to make him want you back. Doing so hinders your efforts to move on because you are still making decisions based on him.

[d0nnivain]

Why would keep keep contacting him knowing he already has a new GF and essentially using her as a backup plan? That's awful.

 

OP....he made his choice, but yet keeps you around. Thats greedy, childish, and immature.

 

 

She will leave when she's ready. She's not ready yet & although it would be better for her to walk away & not look back, if she hopes to reconcile they have to talk. However, he doesn't want to talk now which is why I told her not to contact him & act like he's never coming back but if he does reach out she can talk to him. If he says that he dumped rebound girl, the choice then becomes hers. If he hasn't dumped rebound girl, there's nothing for the OP to go back to. She always has a choice. At that point some time in the future she may be strong enough to realize that she doesn't want the guy back.

[ConfusedHumanBeing]

She will leave when she's ready. She's not ready yet & although it would be better for her to walk away & not look back, if she hopes to reconcile they have to talk. However, he doesn't want to talk now which is why I told her not to contact him & act like he's never coming back but if he does reach out she can talk to him. If he says that he dumped rebound girl, the choice then becomes hers. If he hasn't dumped rebound girl, there's nothing for the OP to go back to. She always has a choice. At that point some time in the future she may be strong enough to realize that she doesn't want the guy back.

 

If she hopes to reconclie, the only way that happens is if they dont talk for a LONG time. Being there around him and talking to him when HE wants to is keeping her on that leash. He tugs the leash to make sure she is there, and she barks every....single...time. He starts feeling down or whatever, so he will text her (pull the leash), she then goes BARK! No one heals, the cycle continues. The ONLY way they can "reconcile" is if they BOTH take time away from one another and move forward and realize their mistakes. All they are doing is swimming in s***

 

 

If he dumps rebound girl, that doesnt really necessarily mean that he will come running back to her. Even if he does, it's a temporary stop gap until he finds someone else. He has already demonstrated that.

 

The best (and only) recourse at this time is to STOP TALKING TO HIM.

 

Just my .02. Respect your opinion obviously.

[country_girl_2857]

I know this girl is nothing but a rebound. She is not the type he would date and is the best friend/sister to his best friends gf. His friend is honestly a bad friend and never try's to hang out with him so to him this girl is an in to getting back with his group of friends and his buddy. I do think he will come back around and he knows it which is why he is keeping me on the back burner. I know the fact that I am not the one to text him first is bothering him especially with the way he responds right away to my text saying he was hoping to here from me. I do not really look at his social media so that part does not really bother me. I know I will have no problem implementing nc and carrying through with it I have plenty of good friends and not to sound cocky but there are plenty of guys that would jump at the chance to be with me if I wanted the attention. I just don't want to play games and I think that is how he will look at me going NC as playing mind games and that is not the approach I want to take I do not want to come off as immature. I know if I go NC within a few days of not responding he will get annoyed and run away more or claim that is another reason he does not want to be with me because i play immature games like not talking to him. I know I will be running into him and probably the girl next weekend how should I respond if he comes up to me?

[country_girl_2857]

Reading all of your posts, I would like to add that I am stronger than that. If he wants to rekindle but is still the same person he's been acting like the past two months, THEN I WILL NOT TAKE HIM BACK. I want nothing to do with somebody who is going to be controlling or walk all over me. But that was never who he was when we were together or in any other little fight we have had.

[d0nnivain]

I know I will be running into him and probably the girl next weekend how should I respond if he comes up to me?

 

 

 

Can you get out of doing whatever you will be doing that will cause you to run into him?

 

 

If not, make sure you look your best. If you see him, offer a tight forced smile. Say hi, with a curt nod but walk away. If he engages you, make up a reason to leave after a minute, even if that reason is an obvious lie. For example, if he's talking to you, even if you have a full drink in your hands, excuse yourself by saying you need a refill. It's one of those social conventions that unequivocally declares you have no desire to talk to him.

[Zahara]

I know if I go NC within a few days of not responding he will get annoyed and run away more or claim that is another reason he does not want to be with me because i play immature games like not talking to him. I know I will be running into him and probably the girl next weekend how should I respond if he comes up to me?

 

Translation: I'm afraid to go NC because he will forget me and move on. So I stick around because that allows me to remind him of my exsitence and that I am still available to him when he decides to choose me.

 

You're afraid to go NC because you are afraid of the reality that he may just let you go. You can't deal with that. So, best to stay in his line of sight than to disappear.

 

The only one playing games is your ex. The only one allowing him to play the game is you.

 

If you want to indefinitely stand on the sidelines, then keep doing what you are doing.

[Jiivy]

It's really so painful to watch this thread play out.

 

I know where you are right now. I am there too, 100% - and I see myself in you plain as day. You DESPERATELY grip on to him with whatever panicked rationale you can find to keep some kind of drip-feed on the drug of your ex.

 

You don't think every single member of LS here hasn't had a similar experience? You think you're the only who had their lives upturned by the person they trust most not to let them down? Read other posts, watch new members like yourself join and post...watch your own desperation play out in the suffering of others.

 

I've been here two months and I can already see this disturbing pattern. This isn't something only you understand - every situation is unique. You're unique as a person, just as your ex is, just as your relationship was...

 

But the vets here survived it. We're idiots not to take their advice - read the advice given to you and know that what you have is years of collected experience going through your pain. These people know...