Did I really love her?

[benkaye]

For those that have followed my recent threads, I am 26 (as was my ex gf). We were together for 1.5 years but in the last few months we drifted apart, we split up and got back together 3 times and then mutually decided to end it. After 1 month apart, I really missed her and tried to reconcile but she'd moved on now has a new boyfriend.

 

I'm looking back through our relationship and trying to work out if I truly loved her, or I merely wan't her back because I'm both lonely and have been rejected for reconcilliatiom. There is no doubt in my mind that the reason we drifted is because I paid her less and less attention as I got more involved in a new career...

 

I remember about a year into our relationship I went away for 2 weeks on business and didn't miss her, she wanted to talk every evening but I wasn't really fussed, as well as this I started to enjoy spending time on my own, not seeing her much and spending time with friends. I thought I loved her at the time but found her a bit too "needy" and clingy..

 

What I want to know is - especially from MEN, if you can be truly in love with someone but still often prefer your own company, or if it's true love you'll want to spend all of your time together, rain or fall, whether you're busy or happy or sad etc...?

 

I really miss her now, but I don't know why. I guess you don't know what you've got till it's gone and the grass is always greener.. Damn how I messed up.

[sooshi]

I'm not a guy, but...

 

No, I don't get the impression that you loved her. My guess is once the initial newness/highs of the relationship wore off (infatuation, etc), the relationship couldn't be held because there wasn't something deeper.

 

You can still be in love/love someone but still want to spend a lot of time alone. Introverts have that tendency.

 

You're lonely and were rejected when you tried to reconcile. It is more about you than her. You don't miss her because you love her (I don't sense you do), but because have don't have something that you think you want.

[elseaacych]

Given the rocky nature of your relationship with the multiple breakups, I can't speculate whether you were in love or not, but the point was, you felt something toward her: affection? Caring? Wanting? If you felt these things, you may have been in love. Love is both complex and simple at the same time. Complex, because we experience and give it different ways, but also simple because it just "is". You will know it when you experience it.

 

I am fairly introverted and independent. I was absolutely in love and loved with my ex boyfriend, because I felt affection/caring/positive feelings toward him pretty much whenever I thought about him because to me, the sun shone out of his ass and he was just "exciting", regardless of his many negative qualities. However, since he broke up to me, I've realized what an ******* he is. But, I did need a lot of space from him, because I am a firm believer in the too much of a good thing principle, and while I loved him, I often needed to be alone. To old me, an ideal time would be him sitting next to me in complete silence, followed by alone, followed by me + him doing whatever. I am that way with everyone I love.

 

I don't know if this help give you perspective.

[zen2475]

Healthy relationships have healthy boundaries and that means that both partners pursue their own respective interests and friendships outside of the relationship. Spending time apart pursuing your own interests allows you to better appreciate your partner when you are apart, and also gives you the opportunity to share respective experiences, building better communication and your bond.

 

 

However, relationships must also be nurtured. Like any garden, a relationship that is not nurtured will wither and die. It is important to address problems and misunderstandings immediately. Some people believe good relationships just happen naturally. The truth is that a good relationship, like anything you want to succeed in life, must be worked on and tended to on a regular basis. Neglect the relationship, and it will often go downhill.

 

 

Honestly, it doesn't sound like you really spent enough time nurturing your relationship. You had other priorities, which is perfectly fine. But it also sounds like you both have different attachment styles, and those conflicted. While you were fine being away from her, she has a more dependent attachment style, and hence you felt her "neediness". And honestly, that can be very off putting. It makes you feel like you are responsible for her happiness, and you are not. So it's no wonder you drifted away. I've seen this happen many times.

 

 

Maybe now with time apart you realize your feelings for her were deeper. That's why you are confused now and feel you are missing her. If you go back to her, you need to realize that you will need to spend more time on the relationship to make it work. However, I would watch her actions closely and see how her "neediness" may resurface again or not. The previous episodes may have been born out of your distance, or maybe that's the type of person she is. Unfortunately, that type of behavior is something she needs to examine from within herself and change, and sometimes that takes a very long time to do, if ever.

[Trovador]

What's love got to do with anything? I think that's a song?

 

IMO, true love shouldn't be measured by quantity but quality, in your case and question, quality time...

 

You love... and you live... nobody has to spend all their time with each other. I think that tends to kill relationships faster than being a bit apart...

 

Gosh, the thought of having a woman in my life all the time, suffocates me, literally...

 

As in most things, balance is the key, but I think that in relationships making oneself desirable (you know, holding off a little) has more advantages than the other way around...

 

In sum, even if it is real love, nobody likes a clingy, needy, obsessed partner... on the other hand, wanting to talk every evening, as your gf did, is perfectly normal...

 

Honestly, I don't think you loved her...

[benkaye]

Thanks for the interesting views on this matter.

 

I guess if I didn't have the drive in me anymore to make it work, either I had fallen out of love with her or I was never in love with her to begin with. I have friends that enjoy spending every minute with their girlfriend's but I just can't do it. I found I often preferred to go to social gatherings without her so I could feel free to mingle with friends as having her by my side often made me feel a little trapped. Also, after a long day at work, I enjoyed spending time on my own winding down, whilst she always thought it was odd I didn't want to relax with her after work (like our other friends in relationships do.)

 

The other part which plagues me is maybe I WAS in love with her, and it just took that month apart to make me realise what I had... I now feel totally empty, and if I could do it again I know I'd want to spend so much more time with her.