break up yet talking to eachother

[nightbird101]

So my Fiance recently broke it off with me. We've been together for over 6 years. The break up happened just under 2 weeks ago. The reason for the break up, is that I had some bad habits (no I didn't cheat and never would).

 

Despite the break up we still talk to each other...quite a lot actually. I manage to still make her laugh and she does the same for me. Yes the conversation topic floods into the break up topic from time to time. To save you guys 2 weeks of convo here's what she feels.

 

"it is because i cared so much about you and still do". She says she's upset about the things that I've done. I will admit I had some bad habits and I want to get rid of them because they really are bad habits. One example was I'd spend way to long on the computer either watching youtube videos or doing something creative when I couldn't even spare 2 minutes of my attention to her (I hate myself so much for that).

 

I want this to work out so bad. I've already been changing my daily routine and have managed to break out of a lot of habits. I still have a lot to go but with time I should get it (and loving this new life style).

 

I'm getting the feeling she still loves me. but she's to scared that if we got back together we'll end up back to how we were (which believe me I don't blame her).

 

so here's my question (and I have a feeling I'm not gonna like them)

 

Should I keep talking to her. keeping things casual making her laugh, while at the same time changing my own life. In hopes that we can get back together?

 

Or

 

should I completely go into NC mode?

[Mary Oak]

In my experience, I would go NC. I did the same thing you did when my ex and i of 7 years broke up. I wanted to just be near her, I wanted her to see my progress, I wanted to show her everything she would be missing, most of all, I couldn't let her go.

 

Your ex probably also feels like she wants to be around you, it is what you are comfortable with. But, you have to experience the uncomfortness in order to move on. If she wants you back, she will let you know. I pushed by my healing for a Loooooong time by staying in contact with my ex. I am still healing and have a long way to go...but I would be much further along if I had heeded the NC idea.

[GingerVixen]

I don't think you should go NC, but I don't think you should try to make her "laugh" either. Be polite, and that's all. Don't contact her, but if she contacts you, be polite and nice, but differently from what you used to be. Be serious. That's all.

[d0nnivain]

It depends on what you want. Since there is no animosity there & you can attribute the break up to specific problems which are being addressed there is some hope for reconcilliation. I think when somebody breaks an enagement because the other person needs to grow up -- (too much time on computer & not enough attention to her is in that catagory for me) -- if they do grow up I think it's perfectly fine to get back together.

 

If you want to get over her, get her out of your life & never see or talk to her again while you heal to move on to another relationship, then NC will help you do that.

 

If you want to eventually get back together, keeping the lines of communication open is key. Here again that might work because there is no animosity.

[nightbird101]

wow surprised I got some replies so quickly. Thank you for taking the time to read the post and give me your advice/feed back.

 

I will have to admit I may have to cut back on the contacts. Like I said we talk almost everyday. We're planning on catching up for Tea for a few hours this Easter which I'm seriously thinking is a bad idea. However its more of a test for myself. Can I keep a straight face and talk casual, polite and be myself without being affectionate...Honestly I think I'm gonna fail that test.

 

again its more to see how I react and how she reacts. I'm most likely to begin the NC after the catch up for 2 weeks...even though not talking to her is freaking hard (now I know what its like to quit smoking).

 

But I'm sure there are previous posts I can read of people asking "how do I do no contact, but still keeping their contact details"

Edited April 17, 2014 by nightbird101

[Strength in Healing]

A tough situation, indeed...

 

One question out of the box that you may ask, is that if you were so happy with her, why weren't you interested in pulling your attention away for her for 2 minutes? It's a tough question to ask, but perhaps there is a deeper story or feeling behind this all..

 

One thing I would also consider, is if you want to get her back but it's too painful to keep talking as friends, is to say something along the lines of:

 

"I love you deeply. I recognize my mistakes, I see them clearly now, and can and will correct them. It's just too difficult to speak to you as friends -- all I ask is you reach out to me when you want to try again. We can start slow, and you will see my changes."

 

You can reword things of course.

[barky2]

If you've done the begging pleading ect with no positive outcome it's time to take the necessary time to heal your heart.

 

Every time you talk, you end up hurting just a little while they're weening themselves off of you.

 

If you want any chance go NC.

 

The fact remains that she's weening herself off of you, and also getting the emotional needs met.

 

Good for her, bad for you.

 

It's still early in the breakup, she hasn't had to mourn your loss.

 

Let her feel it.

 

Say hey listen let's make this work.

 

If she says no, then say ok then please leave me be until you're ready to try again but I'm moving on so please don't contact me.

 

You'll have your answer soon enough.

 

 

 

Barky

[sooshi]

This is a tough one. I'd say to work on your healing and personal development while asking her for space. Things are unlikely to be any different if you two are regularly interacting, but with space and time apart, some sort of shift/transformation might occur.

 

I'd say to go no contact while you work on yourself and heal. If she wants to reconcile, she'll let you know.

[KaliLove]

It sounds like you've really been working on changing your bad habits and that you actually do understand what you've done wrong. Her reasons for breaking up with you are superficial ones, not deep-seated issues.

 

I think LC is going to be more beneficial than complete NC in this particular case. I wouldn't lose touch completely but I would definitely back off for a while and let her come to you.