Need help with post-breakup, what to do?

[ElecTriX]

Well, I'm going to write the whole story here so please read it all before replying.

 

I was 25, she was 19 when we first met. We were together for 4 years, engaged, have a child and bought a house. It ended a month ago (beginning of december). We did not know eachother long before jumping in a relationship.

We were both madly in love, the honeymoon-phase lasted over 2 years (no joke!). She had not had any real relationship before me (only lasted a month or two) while I had been in long relationships before (2 years, 1 year).

One year into the relationship we found out that we were pregnant with my son. I was extremely happy! I had a perfect job with good pay, my girlfriend and a son on the way. Everything was so perfect!

 

Before my son was born I surprised her with an engagement-ring as I wanted to show my love but also show her I'm serious about the relationship. She was so happy that she started crying.

Everything was as I said perfect until six months ago. We, who truly loved eachother, started fighting over small stuff. It started small and ended big. She has been unemployed almost all the time,

first year she was home with our son, the next year she studies and the year after that she was almost unemployed (worked only one night a week). She expressed frustration that she cant find a normal job with normal hours and that shes getting tired of not having money.

 

I tried to be supportive and said that everything will be OK and that she will find a job someday. Days went and I got home from work and found her crying her eyes out saying she cant get a job because shes "useless".

I tried to once again to comfort her but she seems to push my comfort away (not physicly). This was the start of the "fight-period" that went on for six months. The fights could be about small things like why I was late home from work,

why she could be home all day but nerver even empty the dishwasher or vacuum for a couple of minutes. Once I got home with an extreme headache and just wanted to go to bed straight away without eating dinner,

she argued and screamed that I could at least sit with her and our son while the eat (and I'm in extreme pain).

 

Most of the time she was angry and upset and I tried to fix things, get her to talk to me about why she was so angry and irritated. I almost never got an answer. I got angry because I tried to help but felt she wouldnt let me.

In all the fights I begged her to "please talk to me, please!" but in almost every fight she would run to our bedroom, slam every door between us and lay down crying in bed. Sometimes when I couldnt get an answer I went down

to the basement to get distance but also that I didnt want our son to see us fighting.

 

After two months of fighting I felt I needed distance from her more and more. We almost didnt talk, I was never happy and wasnt myself (didnt show emotions). I was broken and was tired of fighting, everytime she wanted something I never disagreed.

I was like a robot just accepting everything. She said that maybe we should move apart, not break up, but just that she was to get her own place to get some distance and time for herself when she needed.

Important note is that she has never lived alone or had her own apartment. I felt that maybe it would be a good idea so she can evolve but also that it would be a good experience. I agreed that if she wanted to maybe she could try it but she really pressed on "its not a breakup!".

 

She was extremely happy about this, started looking for apartments right away, looking to buy furniture and so on. Her happiness made me sad and made me think "why is she so happy to leave?". I told her I was sad and that I feared that "what if the distance from eachother will show that one of us doesnt have feelings for one another". She said that it wont happen and that it will be much better. I told her I loved her and hugged her for a really long time. We both started crying.

 

And now to right before the breakup;

Call it a hunch or male intuition but I felt something was wrong a month before the breakup. She shut down her facebook-page and started a new one (uploaded only pictures of her and my son), started being very quiet and was always playing or facebooking on her cellphone. The fighting almost stopped completely. I tried to talk to her and ask how she felt a couple of times, asked what she was thinking but got the usual "nothing". Something was wrong.

 

Two weeks before breakup she asked if she could go visit and old (male)-friend. I knew something was wrong right there as she has never talked about the guy before, but she said he was an old friend. She noticed I got jellous but laughed and showed a picture of him and said "dont worry, hes really ugly" (which he was). I asked her if it isnt more important to work on our relationship then her meeting old guy-friends and she agreed.

 

Then nothing. I noticed that she would write to him on facebook for hours everyday. Even when I was lying next to her on the couch watching TV. I didnt say anything but I think she knew I knew about her focus on him.

 

The breakup;

A couple of days into december, while lying in bed to sleep she got a phonecall about an apartment she jumped high and was so happy she laughed. I totally crashed. Things was getting better, no fights, no problems, I thought that she wasnt interested in an apartment but I was wrong. She noticed I got sad about it and hugged me. After a while she said "I think we need a break".

 

My world collapsed. The feeling of getting my heart ripped out of my chest. I cried and couldnt control it. Asked her for a chance and said that I knew we could fix everything but she only said "it will be the same again in a week". She hugged me, started crying. We both said we love eachother. I told her that "this feels so wrong, this is not supposed to happen.". She said "I cant be with you just for feeling sorry for you.".

 

She said that she wanted to live her own life, to be free and not have a relationship with anyone. Be independent.

 

Day 1 after breakup:

I had not slept at all, not even a minute. My eyes hurt from all the tears. I told her that I love her and she said that she loves me too. Other then that no talking about rlationship or breakup. We still hug and kiss.

 

Day 2 after breakup:

She starts to get cold. No kisses but hugs. She and my son went to her cousin to visit for a couple of hours. She said something like "I cant be here seeing you so sad because I get sad too".

When I saw her leaving I started crying, running to the door and told her "please dont leave, I love you!" and she started crying, saying "I love you too" then closed the door.

 

Day 3 after breakup:

I dont recognise her anymore. So cold, no feelings at all. When I tried to hug her she moved away from me. She started sleeping on the couch instead of the bed.

 

Day 4 after breakup:

Totally different person. Colored her hair, got a haircut. Started acted though and cool. When she noticed I was still sad she said "Dont you have any girlfriends you can talk to and cuddle with or something?". These. Words. Hurt. I have never wanted someone else then her, still dont today. I notice that by showing emotions makes her want more and more distance. I stop saying I love her and stop trying to hug her.

 

Day 5 after breakup:

She moves to her mother, taking som clothes and other small important stuff. We have a small fight and after an hour she removed me from facebook.

 

I can be honest and say that I dont remember some days after this, its all a blur. I cant even understand that today its almost a month since breakup.

 

I cant defend myself from what Im about to say but even though its low I think it helped me some to understand her. She forgot to logout from her facebook on my laptop. I red all the conversations with friends and that guy-friend.

 

Phrases like "I cant be here anymore, hes acting like a sissy hahah!" and "Ive finally dumped him! :)". Then it gets darker. The same week she broke up, she met him and held hands, asked him "did you also feel butterflies when holding hands". And later she wrote to him "Can we be in a relationship but unofficially? I dont want to break my ex and get in a relationship so soon" and said that I would "do anything for her to get back together with me".

 

When I red that she had written "So sex, I would love some sex with you, like friend-sex! :P" and even planing a date when to do it. She also wrote "I want to be with you but dont want to break my ex, but I can wait for you even a year if its necessary just if I know it will be you and me".

This is not my girlfriend, this is not the same woman I had a 4 year long relationship with. I don't even know who this woman is. How can someone feel butterflies for a guy she started seeing the same week we broke up? Insane! Oh, and the picture she showed me of the old guy-friend? That photo was three years old, he had lost extreme amount of weight and looked really good. She had lied to me.

 

I threw the laptop into the floor, and told myself to never check her facebook again. I havent since then. I have tried to have NC as much as possible, things regarding her stuff and our son I cant ignore.

 

3 weeks and 4 days of partial NC (today):

I feel a little better, have accepted what has happened. She doesnt love me anymore and wants someone else.

 

Not a day goes by without thinking of her. What she is doing. I dont even feel bad about her having sex with the new guy (wierd). But I cant let her go. I feel we are not finished and that this is not the end. Wierd feeling but its there. I try to move on, started working out, talking to girls (even have date next weekend) but still my ex wont leave my mind.

 

I have had many girlfriends in my life and I have been happy before, but I just can't let this one go, there is something special with her. Some say that it's maybe because we have a child together but I don't know. I confided in her, we started a family together and.. I dont know, something is different with her, that's all.

 

Two days ago she phoned me (which she havent done ever post-breakup). This was a wierd phonecall because she didnt have anything to say, no good reason to call and she felt like happy or something. The conversation was like;

Me: "Yeah?"

She: "Hi! What are you doing?"

Me: "I'm shopping right now"

She: "Oh! fun!"

Me: "yeah always fun..." (now I'm starting to get annoyed

She: "So I just bought a bed for my new apartment, a large bed and it was very cheap!"

Me: "Oh great, nice!"

She: "Yeah."

Me: "I have to go now as I need to finish shopping"

She: *quiet for a couple of seconds* "yea shure"

Me: "yeah, bye bye"

She: "bye"

*hangs up*

 

Why do this phonecall? Why was she wondering what I was doing? For almost a month I have NEVER texted or phoned her first, never! I have never asked her what she is doing, how she is feeling or anything. Tried NC as good as possible.

Does she think I'm her friend? That she can gaslight me or something (be with the new guy but have me as a safetynet) ? I don't understand this or the new her, she's not the same girl / woman anymore. But I miss her like hell.

 

What should I do? I want her, not the new her but the old her! I have learned from many of my mistakes since the breakup (analyzing everything for over 3 weeks every day). I have made mistakes and know where I went wrong.

 

There is alot more of information and stuff but if it is any specific question please ask them. I need to get all of this of my chest so I think it will only be good to bring up.

Edited January 6, 2014 by ElecTriX

[David87]

Well, I'm going to write the whole story here so please read it all before replying.

 

I was 25, she was 19 when we first met. We were together for 4 years, engaged, have a child and bought a house. It ended a month ago (beginning of december). We did not know eachother long before jumping in a relationship.

We were both madly in love, the honeymoon-phase lasted over 2 years (no joke!). She had not had any real relationship before me (only lasted a month or two) while I had been in long relationships before (2 years, 1 year).

One year into the relationship we found out that we were pregnant with my son. I was extremely happy! I had a perfect job with good pay, my girlfriend and a son on the way. Everything was so perfect!

 

Before my son was born I surprised her with an engagement-ring as I wanted to show my love but also show her I'm serious about the relationship. She was so happy that she started crying.

Everything was as I said perfect until six months ago. We, who truly loved eachother, started fighting over small stuff. It started small and ended big. She has been unemployed almost all the time,

first year she was home with our son, the next year she studies and the year after that she was almost unemployed (worked only one night a week). She expressed frustration that she cant find a normal job with normal hours and that shes getting tired of not having money.

 

I tried to be supportive and said that everything will be OK and that she will find a job someday. Days went and I got home from work and found her crying her eyes out saying she cant get a job because shes "useless".

I tried to once again to comfort her but she seems to push my comfort away (not physicly). This was the start of the "fight-period" that went on for six months. The fights could be about small things like why I was late home from work,

why she could be home all day but nerver even empty the dishwasher or vacuum for a couple of minutes. Once I got home with an extreme headache and just wanted to go to bed straight away without eating dinner,

she argued and screamed that I could at least sit with her and our son while the eat (and I'm in extreme pain).

 

Most of the time she was angry and upset and I tried to fix things, get her to talk to me about why she was so angry and irritated. I almost never got an answer. I got angry because I tried to help but felt she wouldnt let me.

In all the fights I begged her to "please talk to me, please!" but in almost every fight she would run to our bedroom, slam every door between us and lay down crying in bed. Sometimes when I couldnt get an answer I went down

to the basement to get distance but also that I didnt want our son to see us fighting.

 

After two months of fighting I felt I needed distance from her more and more. We almost didnt talk, I was never happy and wasnt myself (didnt show emotions). I was broken and was tired of fighting, everytime she wanted something I never disagreed.

I was like a robot just accepting everything. She said that maybe we should move apart, not break up, but just that she was to get her own place to get some distance and time for herself when she needed.

Important note is that she has never lived alone or had her own apartment. I felt that maybe it would be a good idea so she can evolve but also that it would be a good experience. I agreed that if she wanted to maybe she could try it but she really pressed on "its not a breakup!".

 

She was extremely happy about this, started looking for apartments right away, looking to buy furniture and so on. Her happiness made me sad and made me think "why is she so happy to leave?". I told her I was sad and that I feared that "what if the distance from eachother will show that one of us doesnt have feelings for one another". She said that it wont happen and that it will be much better. I told her I loved her and hugged her for a really long time. We both started crying.

 

And now to right before the breakup;

Call it a hunch or male intuition but I felt something was wrong a month before the breakup. She shut down her facebook-page and started a new one (uploaded only pictures of her and my son), started being very quiet and was always playing or facebooking on her cellphone. The fighting almost stopped completely. I tried to talk to her and ask how she felt a couple of times, asked what she was thinking but got the usual "nothing". Something was wrong.

 

Two weeks before breakup she asked if she could go visit and old (male)-friend. I knew something was wrong right there as she has never talked about the guy before, but she said he was an old friend. She noticed I got jellous but laughed and showed a picture of him and said "dont worry, hes really ugly" (which he was). I asked her if it isnt more important to work on our relationship then her meeting old guy-friends and she agreed.

 

Then nothing. I noticed that she would write to him on facebook for hours everyday. Even when I was lying next to her on the couch watching TV. I didnt say anything but I think she knew I knew about her focus on him.

 

The breakup;

A couple of days into december, while lying in bed to sleep she got a phonecall about an apartment she jumped high and was so happy she laughed. I totally crashed. Things was getting better, no fights, no problems, I thought that she wasnt interested in an apartment but I was wrong. She noticed I got sad about it and hugged me. After a while she said "I think we need a break".

 

My world collapsed. The feeling of getting my heart ripped out of my chest. I cried and couldnt control it. Asked her for a chance and said that I knew we could fix everything but she only said "it will be the same again in a week". She hugged me, started crying. We both said we love eachother. I told her that "this feels so wrong, this is not supposed to happen.". She said "I cant be with you just for feeling sorry for you.".

 

She said that she wanted to live her own life, to be free and not have a relationship with anyone. Be independent.

 

Day 1 after breakup:

I had not slept at all, not even a minute. My eyes hurt from all the tears. I told her that I love her and she said that she loves me too. Other then that no talking about rlationship or breakup. We still hug and kiss.

 

Day 2 after breakup:

She starts to get cold. No kisses but hugs. She and my son went to her cousin to visit for a couple of hours. She said something like "I cant be here seeing you so sad because I get sad too".

When I saw her leaving I started crying, running to the door and told her "please dont leave, I love you!" and she started crying, saying "I love you too" then closed the door.

 

Day 3 after breakup:

I dont recognise her anymore. So cold, no feelings at all. When I tried to hug her she moved away from me. She started sleeping on the couch instead of the bed.

 

Day 4 after breakup:

Totally different person. Colored her hair, got a haircut. Started acted though and cool. When she noticed I was still sad she said "Dont you have any girlfriends you can talk to and cuddle with or something?". These. Words. Hurt. I have never wanted someone else then her, still dont today. I notice that by showing emotions makes her want more and more distance. I stop saying I love her and stop trying to hug her.

 

Day 5 after breakup:

She moves to her mother, taking som clothes and other small important stuff. We have a small fight and after an hour she removed me from facebook.

 

I can be honest and say that I dont remember some days after this, its all a blur. I cant even understand that today its almost a month since breakup.

 

I cant defend myself from what Im about to say but even though its low I think it helped me some to understand her. She forgot to logout from her facebook on my laptop. I red all the conversations with friends and that guy-friend.

 

Phrases like "I cant be here anymore, hes acting like a sissy hahah!" and "Ive finally dumped him! :)". Then it gets darker. The same week she broke up, she met him and held hands, asked him "did you also feel butterflies when holding hands". And later she wrote to him "Can we be in a relationship but unofficially? I dont want to break my ex and get in a relationship so soon" and said that I would "do anything for her to get back together with me".

 

When I red that she had written "So sex, I would love some sex with you, like friend-sex! :P" and even planing a date when to do it. She also wrote "I want to be with you but dont want to break my ex, but I can wait for you even a year if its necessary just if I know it will be you and me".

This is not my girlfriend, this is not the same woman I had a 4 year long relationship with. I don't even know who this woman is. How can someone feel butterflies for a guy she started seeing the same week we broke up? Insane! Oh, and the picture she showed me of the old guy-friend? That photo was three years old, he had lost extreme amount of weight and looked really good. She had lied to me.

 

I threw the laptop into the floor, and told myself to never check her facebook again. I havent since then. I have tried to have NC as much as possible, things regarding her stuff and our son I cant ignore.

 

3 weeks and 4 days of partial NC (today):

I feel a little better, have accepted what has happened. She doesnt love me anymore and wants someone else.

 

Not a day goes by without thinking of her. What she is doing. I dont even feel bad about her having sex with the new guy (wierd). But I cant let her go. I feel we are not finished and that this is not the end. Wierd feeling but its there. I try to move on, started working out, talking to girls (even have date next weekend) but still my ex wont leave my mind.

 

I have had many girlfriends in my life and I have been happy before, but I just can't let this one go, there is something special with her. Some say that it's maybe because we have a child together but I don't know. I confided in her, we started a family together and.. I dont know, something is different with her, that's all.

 

Two days ago she phoned me (which she havent done ever post-breakup). This was a wierd phonecall because she didnt have anything to say, no good reason to call and she felt like happy or something. The conversation was like;

Me: "Yeah?"

She: "Hi! What are you doing?"

Me: "I'm shopping right now"

She: "Oh! fun!"

Me: "yeah always fun..." (now I'm starting to get annoyed

She: "So I just bought a bed for my new apartment, a large bed and it was very cheap!"

Me: "Oh great, nice!"

She: "Yeah."

Me: "I have to go now as I need to finish shopping"

She: *quiet for a couple of seconds* "yea shure"

Me: "yeah, bye bye"

She: "bye"

*hangs up*

 

Why do this phonecall? Why was she wondering what I was doing? For almost a month I have NEVER texted or phoned her first, never! I have never asked her what she is doing, how she is feeling or anything. Tried NC as good as possible.

Does she think I'm her friend? That she can gaslight me or something (be with the new guy but have me as a safetynet) ? I don't understand this or the new her, she's not the same girl / woman anymore. But I miss her like hell.

 

What should I do? I want her, not the new her but the old her! I have learned from many of my mistakes since the breakup (analyzing everything for over 3 weeks every day). I have made mistakes and know where I went wrong.

 

There is alot more of information and stuff but if it is any specific question please ask them. I need to get all of this of my chest so I think it will only be good to bring up.

 

O men that's rough, I can relate to your feelings.

 

The only mistake you made is that you put her high on a pedestal( I did that mistake to twice). You provided for her, gave her a home and all that she wanted, women (not all) don't always take this kind of stuff very well because they se us more like slaves not lovers, they see us clingy and needy, at this moment she started to lose interest in you and see you less of a man and more like a doormat.

 

You have to realise that she is gone and she will not come back until you get your confidence back(become more manly, atach your ba**s back)

[WhiteTan]

There's a six year age gap between the two of you and when people are in their thirties, this usually isn't a problem but for younger people it can be a significant factor in the relationship.

 

You may have loved eachother but love doesn't always set up a relationship for success. A 19 year old is naturally gonna have different expectations than a 25 year old. After all, you've had more relationship experience than she has and have learned things that she hasn't had the opportunity to yet.

 

At nineteen it's common for people to make commitments they think they can follow through with at the time but ultimately don't.

 

Your best bet would be to stay in your baby's life but set your ex free to grow. It's the only way she will ever learn how to have a healthy relationship.. and i think this is going to be a learning experience for you too.

Edited January 6, 2014 by WhiteTan

[ElecTriX]

O men that's rough, I can relate to your feelings.

 

The only mistake you made is that you put her high on a pedestal( I did that mistake to twice). You provided for her, gave her a home and all that she wanted, women (not all) don't always take this kind of stuff very well because they se us more like slaves not lovers, they see us clingy and needy, at this moment she started to lose interest in you and see you less of a man and more like a doormat.

 

You have to realise that she is gone and she will not come back until you get your confidence back(become more manly, atach your ba**s back)

 

Well, as I started with partial NC I have begun feeling stronger and better. It's just a matter of time. Just doing NC and also telling her Im busy when shopping shows Im not interested to talk. But at the same time when doing this Im afraid she will think "oh, so he doesnt have feelings anymore.. And let me go" and thus letting go of any chance between her and me again. Trully f:ed psykology..

 

Selling the house I bought for us as a family to move to an apartment will help me to move along.

 

Many Ive spoken to has told me "how the hell can you miss her? She treated you so extremely bad before and after the breakup!" and yes, I agree, but I still love her.

[David87]

Well, as I started with partial NC I have begun feeling stronger and better. It's just a matter of time. Just doing NC and also telling her Im busy when shopping shows Im not interested to talk. But at the same time when doing this Im afraid she will think "oh, so he doesnt have feelings anymore.. And let me go" and thus letting go of any chance between her and me again. Trully f:ed psykology..

 

Selling the house I bought for us as a family to move to an apartment will help me to move along.

 

Many Ive spoken to has told me "how the hell can you miss her? She treated you so extremely bad before and after the breakup!" and yes, I agree, but I still love her.

 

Guess what she already let you go, do the same because right now there Is no chance she will take you back because she is interested in this new guy.

 

She already told you that she feels pity for you, trust me you don't what that.

[ElecTriX]

There's a six year age gap between the two of you and when people are in their thirties, this usually isn't a problem but for younger people it can be a significant factor in the relationship.

 

You may have loved eachother but love doesn't always set up a relationship for success. A 19 year old is naturally gonna have different expectations than a 25 year old. After all, you've had more relationship experience than she has and have learned things that she hasn't had the opportunity to yet.

 

At nineteen it's common for people to make commitments they think they can follow through with at the time but ultimately don't.

 

Your best bet would be to stay in your baby's life but set your ex free to grow. It's the only way she will ever learn how to have a healthy relationship.. and i think this is going to be a learning experience for you too.

 

Well yes, the age difference plays a big part in this I know. I also know that if she would return and ask for us to be together again she wont be ready. The big question is if I can reject her..

 

I know we both have gotten experience, from the relationship but also from the breakup. I will let her grow, but I have a feeling we are not done, I feel that it hasnt ended in some way..

 

As I said, I have had many girls before but she is special. She drilled her way really deep in my heart (deeper than previous relationships). I want to let go, but dont know if I can.

 

As we have a child together we meet once a week, no talking except about the child (clothes and daycare and such)..

[WhiteTan]

Well, as I started with partial NC I have begun feeling stronger and better. It's just a matter of time. Just doing NC and also telling her Im busy when shopping shows Im not interested to talk. But at the same time when doing this Im afraid she will think "oh, so he doesnt have feelings anymore.. And let me go" and thus letting go of any chance between her and me again. Trully f:ed psykology..

 

Selling the house I bought for us as a family to move to an apartment will help me to move along.

 

Many Ive spoken to has told me "how the hell can you miss her? She treated you so extremely bad before and after the breakup!" and yes, I agree, but I still love her.

 

Don't be afraid of her letting you go, she already has, sir.

 

Maintaining contact and small talk after the break up isn't going to change her mind, it's just gonna help her ween herself off of you until she stops missing the relationship.

 

I know it's tempting to hold on to false hope but it isn't gonna help you move forward.

 

It's gonna take a LONG time to accept things for what they are but the sooner you allow that journey to begin, the sooner you will be able to move on with your life. At this point the pain is fresh so be sure to turn to friends, family, and this website whenever you feel the need. and remember, just because you miss her doesn't mean that you're not better off without her.

 

Good luck!

[David87]

Well yes, the age difference plays a big part in this I know. I also know that if she would return and ask for us to be together again she wont be ready. The big question is if I can reject her..

 

I know we both have gotten experience, from the relationship but also from the breakup. I will let her grow, but I have a feeling we are not done, I feel that it hasnt ended in some way..

 

As I said, I have had many girls before but she is special. She drilled her way really deep in my heart (deeper than previous relationships). I want to let go, but dont know if I can.

 

As we have a child together we meet once a week, no talking except about the child (clothes and daycare and such)..

 

You will have to be "friends" with her because you have a kid. Be prepared because sooner or later she will become official with the new guy and even though you will die inside you don't have to show her that, be confident and show her that this is not affecting you, also be nice to the new guy, I know it's very hard.

[ElecTriX]

Guess what she already let you go, do the same because right now there Is no chance she will take you back because she is interested in this new guy.

 

She already told you that she feels pity for you, trust me you don't what that.

 

So she moved on from a 4 year long relationship with kid, house and engagement, her first real and long relationship ever, in ONE week? How is that possible?! Was I totally worthless to her as she can move on so fast?

 

Many Ive spoken to has said that she one day will realise that her new life with own apartment, partying and having sex with randoms (she wrote with more guys then only her new-old-friend) is not so great as she thought, that she one day will realise and feel like **** about it as she has not mourned or felt bad, forcing herself to have fun instead just to not feel bad.

[ElecTriX]

Don't be afraid of her letting you go, she already has, sir.

 

Maintaining contact and small talk after the break up isn't going to change her mind, it's just gonna help her ween herself off of you until she stops missing the relationship.

 

I know it's tempting to hold on to false hope but it isn't gonna help you move forward.

 

It's gonna take a LONG time to accept things for what they are but the sooner you allow that journey to begin, the sooner you will be able to move on with your life. At this point the pain is fresh so be sure to turn to friends, family, and this website whenever you feel the need. and remember, just because you miss her doesn't mean that you're not better off without her.

 

Good luck!

 

Im not doubting thats the case, she probably has. But what about the phonecall? Once she brought up the new guy (remember, I dont officially know the true story) and said that he was funny and that they partied together and she slept over at his place (transl: sex).

 

Why say this to my face? Why the phonecall wondering what i was doing and telling me she bought a bed?!

[ElecTriX]

You will have to be "friends" with her because you have a kid. Be prepared because sooner or later she will become official with the new guy and even though you will die inside you don't have to show her that, be confident and show her that this is not affecting you, also be nice to the new guy, I know it's very hard.

 

Actually, I have already accepted that this will happen at some point.. So Im ready for it.

 

But because of how fast she met him and felt feelings for him (or did she lie to him about butterflies? Lied to herself?) I was certain he was a rebound and that it will never last. He lives very far away (1h45m with car)..

[David87]

So she moved on from a 4 year long relationship with kid, house and engagement, her first real and long relationship ever, in ONE week? How is that possible?! Was I totally worthless to her as she can move on so fast?

 

Many Ive spoken to has said that she one day will realise that her new life with own apartment, partying and having sex with randoms (she wrote with more guys then only her new-old-friend) is not so great as she thought, that she one day will realise and feel like **** about it as she has not mourned or felt bad, forcing herself to have fun instead just to not feel bad.

 

She was thinking of dumping you during your relationship, probably months before she did it. Who nows how long she talked to this guy.

 

She's not remorsful because she thought long and hard when she still was with you, it was a blind side only for you, not for her.

[Am4Real]

She has other other interests and unfortunately those interests do not involve you directly. Is it another guy (probably). Has he surfaced yet (probably not to you) but there is someone or something there and as you've been doing give her what she wants...the break she asked for.

 

Do you have a job or have you ever had a job? Ever take a break from work, perhaps the standard fifteen minute rest/break? Sure you have!

 

When the break was over what was expected? It was expected you would return to work and pick up where you left off. Why? Because that behavior is considered part of the work agreement between the employer and the employee?

 

So, what is the agreement in a “relationship break”?

 

Woops, you didn’t make one or have one did you?

 

Therefore the interpretation of the “break” is just that, interpretative. To her it means “how do I wean this guy off me and gradually get him use to a life without me”. And from what you write, that is exactly what she is doing?

 

So you can do two things:

 

1. Call her up ask her when exactly the break period ends? I’m willing to be “the farm” she cannot and will not tell you, she will make an excuse; she will give comment on just about anything except addressing your question? At that point you have your answer (read the above paragraphs again) and stop answering her stupid messages.
    
   
2. Alternatively, you can continue hoping, fantasizing she is simply resting from the relationship and will be in this flux until she and only she says she is rested while you sit on the sidelines feeling like crap, acting pathetically hopeful and wishing for what might be a return to past.
   

 

So which one is for you? Are you going to ask for a definition of the “break period” or “pathetically hope your EX comes back to you after screwing around with her new found freedoms”?

 

 

 

So she moved on from a 4 year long relationship with kid, house and engagement, her first real and long relationship ever, in ONE week? How is that possible?! Was I totally worthless to her as she can move on so fast?

 

Many Ive spoken to has said that she one day will realise that her new life with own apartment, partying and having sex with randoms (she wrote with more guys then only her new-old-friend) is not so great as she thought, that she one day will realise and feel like **** about it as she has not mourned or felt bad, forcing herself to have fun instead just to not feel bad.

[AlphaC]

Actually, I have already accepted that this will happen at some point.. So Im ready for it.

 

But because of how fast she met him and felt feelings for him (or did she lie to him about butterflies? Lied to herself?) I was certain he was a rebound and that it will never last. He lives very far away (1h45m with car)..

 

Typical woman, she can't be on her own after a break up, this guy is her life raft, if he wasn't there to catch her she would sink. Listen buddy, my best friend went through the same BS, his girl of 10 years, who he met when she was 15, started hanging out with her low life friends. She then gets introduced to the single life and hooks up with this guy she met at a club. While still living with my friend, she starts distancing herself and sleeping with this new guy. She wanted to move out of her apartment and live with this other guy. My friend was in the dark, he told me she was confused, i told him it sounded like she is cheating on him.

 

Long story short, about 6-9 months later this all came to a halt. The new guy was beating my buddy's gf, he smashed her phone, gave her a black eye and still this woman defended him (the new guy). Women are nuts, my buddy started to let go and that's when his GF finally came around. Now, 4 years later they are "happy." Yet my buddy always brings up the past, he tells me if she ever did that nonsense again he would be through. It took his GF a long time to realize my buddy's worth, but she finally came around before it was too late. Personally I would have kicked her to the curb, but I understand his situation since they have kids together.

 

My advice to you is this,

1. Accept that its over;

2. Stop communicating with her unless it involves your son;

3. Do not show any emotions towards her, she thinks you are a sissy, a weakling, now flip the script, show her that you didn't die from her leaving you. Carry on your life my brother.

4. Hit the gym and look good, start seeing other women

5. Look up how to kick loves ass, its a website by Scott Williams, join it and start your evolution, I am telling you it's the best thing I did for myself.

 

Good Luck - stay positive, you will get through this and be a better person at the end.

[ElecTriX]

She has other other interests and unfortunately those interests do not involve you directly. Is it another guy (probably). Has he surfaced yet (probably not to you) but there is someone or something there and as you've been doing give her what she wants...the break she asked for.

 

Do you have a job or have you ever had a job? Ever take a break from work, perhaps the standard fifteen minute rest/break? Sure you have!

 

When the break was over what was expected? It was expected you would return to work and pick up where you left off. Why? Because that behavior is considered part of the work agreement between the employer and the employee?

 

So, what is the agreement in a “relationship break”?

 

Woops, you didn’t make one or have one did you?

 

Therefore the interpretation of the “break” is just that, interpretative. To her it means “how do I wean this guy off me and gradually get him use to a life without me”. And from what you write, that is exactly what she is doing?

 

So you can do two things:

 

1. Call her up ask her when exactly the break period ends? I’m willing to be “the farm” she cannot and will not tell you, she will make an excuse; she will give comment on just about anything except addressing your question? At that point you have your answer (read the above paragraphs again) and stop answering her stupid messages.
    
   
2. Alternatively, you can continue hoping, fantasizing she is simply resting from the relationship and will be in this flux until she and only she says she is rested while you sit on the sidelines feeling like crap, acting pathetically hopeful and wishing for what might be a return to past.
   

 

So which one is for you? Are you going to ask for a definition of the “break period” or “pathetically hope your EX comes back to you after screwing around with her new found freedoms”?

 

None. I will do NC as much as possible as anything I can say right now will not change anything.

 

Im just trying to grasp the situation as good as possible, trying to understand what shes doing (as Im somewhat emotionally blind still).

 

I still have hope. I dont want it and wish for it to go away but it takes time.. I'm in the phase where I have analyzed everything that has happened and what shes done but the phonecalls I just dont understand. Why is she cruel and why does she think I care about that shes bought a new bed for her apartment? Or ask what im doing when I was shopping?

 

I have trouble figuring things out and thats why its importsnt for me to get as many opinions as possible regarding her behaviour. Until I fully understand this "new" woman I cant let go as Im also a little anxious when it comes to how this new woman can be as a mother.

 

My son is all I have and right now it feels like Im giving away my son every week to a stranger..

 

But I cant deny that Im looking for loopholes, something that night get us back together.. im trying to ignore the need of searching for this but its not easy.

[ElecTriX]

Typical woman, she can't be on her own after a break up, this guy is her life raft, if he wasn't there to catch her she would sink. Listen buddy, my best friend went through the same BS, his girl of 10 years, who he met when she was 15, started hanging out with her low life friends. She then gets introduced to the single life and hooks up with this guy she met at a club. While still living with my friend, she starts distancing herself and sleeping with this new guy. She wanted to move out of her apartment and live with this other guy. My friend was in the dark, he told me she was confused, i told him it sounded like she is cheating on him.

 

Long story short, about 6-9 months later this all came to a halt. The new guy was beating my buddy's gf, he smashed her phone, gave her a black eye and still this woman defended him (the new guy). Women are nuts, my buddy started to let go and that's when his GF finally came around. Now, 4 years later they are "happy." Yet my buddy always brings up the past, he tells me if she ever did that nonsense again he would be through. It took his GF a long time to realize my buddy's worth, but she finally came around before it was too late. Personally I would have kicked her to the curb, but I understand his situation since they have kids together.

 

My advice to you is this,

1. Accept that its over;

2. Stop communicating with her unless it involves your son;

3. Do not show any emotions towards her, she thinks you are a sissy, a weakling, now flip the script, show her that you didn't die from her leaving you. Carry on your life my brother.

4. Hit the gym and look good, start seeing other women

5. Look up how to kick loves ass, its a website by Scott Williams, join it and start your evolution, I am telling you it's the best thing I did for myself.

 

Good Luck - stay positive, you will get through this and be a better person at the end.

 

THANK YOU! I dont know why but I felt a little better from reading your post!

 

I plan to do all of those things and do just as she does - Create almost a new life, work out and think positive thoughts (like how I can learn from this instead of feeling bad about it).

[Am4Real]

Sounds to me you will be on this site for a very long time sitting on the sidelines waiting for the "Break" to end.

 

Damn, maybe I can try that at work today. Hopefully me employer will be equally understanding if I enjoy my coffee for some undefined amount of time. I'm sure they will be equally understanding "as much as possible"

 

 

 

None. I will do NC as much as possible as anything I can say right now will not change anything.

 

Im just trying to grasp the situation as good as possible, trying to understand what shes doing (as Im somewhat emotionally blind still).

 

[ElecTriX]

Sounds to me you will be on this site for a very long time sitting on the sidelines waiting for the "Break" to end.

 

Damn, maybe I can try that at work today. Hopefully me employer will be equally understanding if I enjoy my coffee for some undefined amount of time. I'm sure they will be equally understanding "as much as possible"

 

I know what you are saying and I dont want to be her backup when her and her rebound(?) dont work out or anything else. I am worth more than that..

 

It will be easier when the house is sold and when I have moved away to a new place that doesnt remind me of her and all of our good memories.. Right now, even if we dont speak, many things remind me of her and I cant get any distance..

[ElecTriX]

Im not doubting thats the case, she probably has. But what about the phonecall? Once she brought up the new guy (remember, I dont officially know the true story) and said that he was funny and that they partied together and she slept over at his place (transl: sex).

 

Why say this to my face? Why the phonecall wondering what i was doing and telling me she bought a bed?!

 

Can anybody answer this? Many of my friends has said that she only does this to hurt me and make me feel bad, while some say that she does it because shes used to talking to me about stuff (habit).

 

Would like some more opinions because Im certain that she will continue with this for a while..

[David87]

Can anybody answer this? Many of my friends has said that she only does this to hurt me and make me feel bad, while some say that she does it because shes used to talking to me about stuff (habit).

 

Would like some more opinions because Im certain that she will continue with this for a while..

 

She is only doing it to ease her guilt.

[ElecTriX]

She is only doing it to ease her guilt.

 

And if I ignore her (NC) it will become harder for her?

[Am4Real]

Your writing does not indicate she is purposely trying to hurt you – she is simply hurting you through the break up and the way she is doing this.

 

Mentioning the other guy is likely being done under the auspicious of two outcomes:

 

1. By mentioning generalities with another person she is fishing around for what you might know. She probably suspects you know or are aware of something and she is baiting the conversation. If you tell her anything not only does she answer her curiosity, it will provoke an argument and give her reason to justify the break up. Be silent. Tell her nothing at all of what you know – the relationship is over and discussing events, people, details serves no purpose except to continue the hurt and pain.
    
    
   
2. She might also mention the other guy to get you used to hearing about her changed life, new people, even a man (albeit a supposed friend for now). As this conversation generally gets you accustomed to her new situation. In her mind, it acts like a transition mechanism or bridge for you from the past to accepting the present
   

.

 

 

 

Can anybody answer this? Many of my friends has said that she only does this to hurt me and make me feel bad, while some say that she does it because shes used to talking to me about stuff (habit).

 

Would like some more opinions because Im certain that she will continue with this for a while..

[ElecTriX]

Your writing does not indicate she is purposely trying to hurt you – she is simply hurting you through the break up and the way she is doing this.

 

Mentioning the other guy is likely being done under the auspicious of two outcomes:

 

1. By mentioning generalities with another person she is fishing around for what you might know. She probably suspects you know or are aware of something and she is baiting the conversation. If you tell her anything not only does she answer her curiosity, it will provoke an argument and give her reason to justify the break up. Be silent. Tell her nothing at all of what you know – the relationship is over and discussing events, people, details serves no purpose except to continue the hurt and pain.
    
    
   
2. She might also mention the other guy to get you used to hearing about her changed life, new people, even a man (albeit a supposed friend for now). As this conversation generally gets you accustomed to her new situation. In her mind, it acts like a transition mechanism or bridge for you from the past to accepting the present
   

.

 

Already thought about #2 which is more likely the correct one.

 

And no, I didnt say a thing, and I never will. If she brings up the new guy I will ignore it.. It will probably hurt but at least Im prepared its gonna happen..

 

I have mixed feelings, sometimes Im pissed of on her for everything and sometimes im sad and miss her..

 

But thanks for your thoughts, I think youre right.

[David87]

Already thought about #2 which is more likely the correct one.

 

And no, I didnt say a thing, and I never will. If she brings up the new guy I will ignore it.. It will probably hurt but at least Im prepared its gonna happen..

 

I have mixed feelings, sometimes Im pissed of on her for everything and sometimes im sad and miss her..

 

But thanks for your thoughts, I think youre right.

 

You have to understand that she still has feelings for you, but unfortunately they are not romantic feelings. She whants to be friends( she doesn't whant to hurt you ) and nothing else at this point, but you love her and that is not possible.

 

Give her space and the opportunity to miss you, this is your only option.

[ElecTriX]

You have to understand that she still has feelings for you, but unfortunately they are not romantic feelings. She whants to be friends( she doesn't whant to hurt you ) and nothing else at this point, but you love her and that is not possible.

 

Give her space and the opportunity to miss you, this is your only option.

 

I know she does, or at least i think so because she told me. I saw that I missed to write it in the original post but after the breakup she cried and said that she "doesnt think that I am the man she wants to live the rest of her life with" and that "I love you but I am not in love with you. I dont have any such feelings for you anymore.".

 

Of course it hurt, it still hurts when I see that scene and hear her say them again in my head.

 

Nothing good can come from talking with her, nothing will change things. It has been a month and if she missed me I think she would have done something, thats why I brought up the weird phonecall when shopping as I didnt know what her intentions was. But now I think I do.

 

I cant give her more space then Im already doing. Its Bern 22 days NC and 6 days partial contact (regarding our son).

 

Sometimes she texts stuff, sometimes she calls. One text I got angry from was when she was partying;

"Hi! Is it ok if I swing by to take some of our booze. All places was closed and Im out partying with friends haha!"

 

A kick in the face. I didnt reply.

 

Edit:

Got a text right now! Last time she called when I was shopping she told me to call her the next day when our son asks after her so she could "speak" to our son (just hear him). I didnt call as its my week with him and dont want anything from her to interfere when he is with me. If he starts to cry because he misses her and so on.. Unnecessary.

 

So she wrote "At what time can I pick him up from kindergarden? You promised to call yesterday.."

 

Sigh.. I promised to call if he asked after her, which he didnt. Dont want to start a fight with her..