redbaron005 Posted December 29, 2013 Share Posted December 29, 2013 (edited) So this is my first time on the forums, and my first real breakup (male, 27), and was hoping to get some advice from individuals with more relationship experience than myself, so anything is appreciated. So I dated a girl (female, 25) for about a year, long-distance (5 hour drive). It was both of our first long-term relationships and I was the first one she ever had sex with. We were a good couple, but I was, at least to her, lagging emotionally behind so initiated a break up in March of this year. We made it a mutual decision, but that didnt last terribly long and continued to meet up on and off, until she went to NY to work for four months. I initiated the break up because I had fallen in love with her and did not know how to handle my emotions - basically I was scared. I never told her I loved her in the relationship. So, when she returned from NY she meet me at my apartment and we were still in the deciding if we wanted to be friends or more stage. I certainly wanted more, but with verbal confirmation. I went down for her birthday in September and we had a great time, but were sending each other mixed signals. Throughout the month she was flirting with me by text, but I was rather harsh with her and told her that to go find someone else (in hopes that she would ask for me back). However, within 3 weeks she found another guy in her own city and was being cold and aloof to me over the phone and text. After a month, she told me about him. I was shocked, but kept my cool and congratulated her, etc., said to keep me in mind. I had a hard three weeks and then sent her a Facebook message telling her that I loved her. It was either ignored or not read (she was working 4 jobs). My phone calls were definitely ignored, so I went drove down and surprised her and told her that I loved her and apologized for my actions. She said she didnt love me anymore and didnt see me as marry-able as well as that I was bad to her as a bf. She had a four-month trip to Australia and NZ planned with her mother and sister to start a week later, and when she responded to my fb message she asked for no contact, said she was scared, etc. after she read my lengthy response and I did a bit of prodding on fb pictures of us. I said okay, I would respect her wishes for NC because I cared for her, wished her a happy thanksgiving and left it at that. She quickly blocked me on facebook and then off she went on her vacation, maintaining a long-distance relationship with her new bf. Now, I do love this girl, and would like her back. I am not contacting her (and have not for 5 weeks), but am considering for NYE (although from what I have read here, probably will not). Her new man is much more physically attractive than I, owns an art studio, etc and she slept with him within a month of dating. I am just asking for advice on how to proceed to increase my chances of getting her back in the future and what you all think of the situation at hand.. I am 100% positive that I want her back, there is simply no doubt there. Thank you in advance. Edited December 29, 2013 by redbaron005 Link to post Share on other sites
Author redbaron005 Posted December 30, 2013 Author Share Posted December 30, 2013 ^bump. Thanks. Link to post Share on other sites
Hoosfoos Posted December 30, 2013 Share Posted December 30, 2013 Let her go. I know it's extremely difficult but it appears crystal clear that she has decided who she wants to be with. Link to post Share on other sites
Author redbaron005 Posted December 31, 2013 Author Share Posted December 31, 2013 Let her go. I know it's extremely difficult but it appears crystal clear that she has decided who she wants to be with. Thanks, easier said than done. Its good to get other opinions though. Link to post Share on other sites
CelticGibson Posted January 3, 2014 Share Posted January 3, 2014 Yes it's easier said than done but it's your only option. You cannot affect change in her choices. She's obviously made hers and the new bf is her choice. All you can do is simply accept the reality of the situation and just move on. There are plenty of girls out there just waiting to be discovered. Get out there and date and open up your possibilities. You had your chance with this girl. It's done unless she changes her mind all by herself, which is as rare as hen's teeth. Move on. Link to post Share on other sites
Author redbaron005 Posted January 3, 2014 Author Share Posted January 3, 2014 ...It's done unless she changes her mind all by herself, which is as rare as hen's teeth. Move on. Thanks CelticGibson. Since she is my first (emotional) love after years of failure, its difficult as I have not been through these emotions before. I know there is little chance she will change her mind, but girls like her are "rare as hen's teeth." I also know that's putting her on a 'pedestal' however that does not make it any less true. Don't think after 5.5 weeks I am ready to date again, not sure how long it will take. Any tips on how to forgive myself for missing the opportunity and move on? Link to post Share on other sites
CelticGibson Posted January 4, 2014 Share Posted January 4, 2014 What I do is to try imagine what my life was life prior to meeting them. It wasn't the end of the world then and it won't be after you have cast this page into history. It will take time, yes but it's time that will pass regardless so let it pass by making an effort to move on. So just concentrate on you. Focus on your life, activities, friends and so on. Maybe plan a holiday for the new year. Do anything but just don't sit alone with thoughts of "woulda coulda shoulda". It's in the past. Dating will come in good time once you are used to this new path... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author redbaron005 Posted January 5, 2014 Author Share Posted January 5, 2014 What I do is to try imagine what my life was life prior to meeting them. It wasn't the end of the world then and it won't be after you have cast this page into history. It will take time, yes but it's time that will pass regardless so let it pass by making an effort to move on. So just concentrate on you. Focus on your life, activities, friends and so on. Maybe plan a holiday for the new year. Do anything but just don't sit alone with thoughts of "woulda coulda shoulda". It's in the past. Dating will come in good time once you are used to this new path... I suppose the grass is greener where you water it. It feels selfish focusing on myself, however I suppose that if she is happy its time to work on making myself happy too. The harder part will be ignoring running the senierios of what we did wrong through my head...which at this stage is still an hour-by-hour struggle. Link to post Share on other sites
Author redbaron005 Posted January 10, 2014 Author Share Posted January 10, 2014 So another issue...this girl found out that I am keeping a blog (a few weeks ago), which just has a life lesson a day and something I am doing to improve myself. Something I am doing as I find writing a good release and a hobby. The question then becomes: should I discontinue posting on the blog as part of no-contact? It seems that she is enjoying her new man and, given that this is the coldest winter in 20 years, probably is also enjoying her trip in NZ. I haven't posted (although still writing drafts) on the blog for a week or so just to think about it but wanted others' opinions. On a side note, no contact is hard and I respect everyone on here that can keep this up. Week 6 is just augh... just feel like screaming "if our love is tragedy why are you my remedy" Link to post Share on other sites
Author redbaron005 Posted January 13, 2014 Author Share Posted January 13, 2014 Ahhhh. So frustrated today. Come to find out she made this guy facebook official...a day after posting a quote on forgiveness. I AM SO confused, disheartened, and clearly have not let go of this :/ The quote... "Her heart sank into her shoes as she realized at last how much she wanted him. No matter what his past was, no matter what he had done. Which was not to say that she would ever let him know, but only that he moved her chemically more than anyone she had ever met, that all other men seemed pale beside him." - F. Scott Fitzgerald, A New Leaf Link to post Share on other sites
CelticGibson Posted January 13, 2014 Share Posted January 13, 2014 Why are you still looking at her facebook? Block that crap asap. It will be the ruination of you if you don't. You have to go No Contact as soon as you can. If you do, you can begin to heal. Week 6 means nothing if you are checking up on her. The reality is that you are still right at the beginning. Make that step forward, go no contact and move on. As for the blog, create a new one just for this issue. If she can read it, then you are not in no contact... Link to post Share on other sites
Author redbaron005 Posted January 13, 2014 Author Share Posted January 13, 2014 Why are you still looking at her facebook? Block that crap asap. It will be the ruination of you if you don't. You have to go No Contact as soon as you can. If you do, you can begin to heal. Week 6 means nothing if you are checking up on her. The reality is that you are still right at the beginning. Make that step forward, go no contact and move on. As for the blog, create a new one just for this issue. If she can read it, then you are not in no contact... Thanks CelticGibson - I am actually blocked by her on facebook a while back (she initated nc) - friends let me know by text today. I really have no idea whats going on her life besides these two things, which sort of makes it a bit harder in a way. Just needed to vent my frustration, I feel like I should be much farther along in the healing process and really need to focus on moving forward. Link to post Share on other sites
Author redbaron005 Posted January 21, 2014 Author Share Posted January 21, 2014 Thanks again CelticGibson and hoosfoos. Doing a bit better this week, although I certainly think about her a lot still, still love her, and want her back - I feel like I am at least able to move forward in my life a bit. I have, at the very least, let go of our past relationship. This has allowed me to start looking for a new apartment and job in a new city, hitting the gym, and looking for a truck (that I had before I bought a car to commute to see this girl). Today has been a strong day, even though I still cried a bit listening to country music. What is really keeping me going is continually telling myself that since I do love her, that that love should be unconditional and, therefore, if she is happy with her new man I should be accepting of such a situation that is bringing her happiness. That is not to say that I do not believe I could bring her happiness, however that choice is out of my control, at least for now during NC in the short/mid term (up to 6-8 months?). I need (or should want) to let go of my pride, plain and simple. Thanks again y'all, its good to have someone listening out there. I'm sure I will be checking in with more good and bad days, but hope that healing and possible reconciliation are out there on the horizon. Link to post Share on other sites
Author redbaron005 Posted January 28, 2014 Author Share Posted January 28, 2014 Ghhhhhh. Especially hard week as employers from the town near where my ex lives are contacting me for interviews for jobs I applied for 6 months ago. Fantastic. Link to post Share on other sites
Envy_rodge Posted January 28, 2014 Share Posted January 28, 2014 (edited) LDR's are a waste of time for men. You need to learn to be happy with yourself alone. If she hasn't tried to contact you in 5 weeks, she doesn't care. Even if she did contact you, but she isn't on your porch waiting for you she certainly doesn't love you. Keep walking man, it will be ok. Edited January 28, 2014 by Envy_rodge Link to post Share on other sites
Author redbaron005 Posted January 30, 2014 Author Share Posted January 30, 2014 LDR's are a waste of time for men. You need to learn to be happy with yourself alone. If she hasn't tried to contact you in 5 weeks, she doesn't care. Even if she did contact you, but she isn't on your porch waiting for you she certainly doesn't love you. Keep walking man, it will be ok. Thanks for the encouragement - some days are just brutal while others I can feel my confidence coming back. I do not think the LDR was a waste of time, I certainly learned from the experience. She has not contacted me in 9 weeks, not a surprise given she is in another relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Author redbaron005 Posted February 7, 2014 Author Share Posted February 7, 2014 A note from my ex that I had not read/didnt know about dropped out of my car materials today (as I am preparing to sell it). Dont know how it got there. Read it (it was short) and immediately put it in the box with all her other things buried in my closet, nothing special just made me nostalgic and angry at the same time. Felt rubbish that it made me angry. Hope she is happy these days. No contact (11/12 weeks) is healing yet still very, very painful as of late. Still hoping for a second chance down the road, any suggestions as to how to set aside such hope? Link to post Share on other sites
Author redbaron005 Posted February 13, 2014 Author Share Posted February 13, 2014 On here today so that I do not break no contact as the dumpee. Really sad as I have the feeling that her new bf flew to be with her, however don't know for sure as my friends have been kind enough not to tell me anything for going on a month now. I could easily find out, however am choosing not to. This journey is way harder than I thought. I have great respect for those who have it harder than me. Link to post Share on other sites
Sandy99 Posted February 13, 2014 Share Posted February 13, 2014 (edited) I really am really sorry for your pain! But I have to point out that you did this to yourself. I can't believe this was really your thought process: "I had fallen in love with her and did not know how to handle my emotions - basically I was scared. I never told her I loved her in the relationship." So then you broke up with her and told her to find somebody else??? That's really harsh for a woman to hear and then she found somebody else and you're mad because it's not you? Can you really blame her? Again sorry for your pain, but come on! What did you expect her to do? Don't ever do that again to a woman. It's not nice. Maybe she will come back, but in the mean time know that you treated her pretty harshly. She probably did love you and was so hurt by you that she had to move on. Let it go, but really be careful with other people's emotions. You hurt her too obviously. There's nothing you can do about it now, but just acknowledge that you didn't handle the situation properly and take some time for yourself. Or what about this: "I was rather harsh with her and told her that to go find someone else (in hopes that she would ask for me back)." You can't be serious here? You thought she would start pestering you to date her again when you were harsh to her and told her to go find somebody else? You really need to work on your communication skills. Edited February 13, 2014 by Sandy99 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author redbaron005 Posted March 24, 2014 Author Share Posted March 24, 2014 I really am really sorry for your pain! But I have to point out that you did this to yourself. I can't believe this was really your thought process: "I had fallen in love with her and did not know how to handle my emotions - basically I was scared. I never told her I loved her in the relationship." So then you broke up with her and told her to find somebody else??? That's really harsh for a woman to hear and then she found somebody else and you're mad because it's not you? Can you really blame her? Again sorry for your pain, but come on! What did you expect her to do? Don't ever do that again to a woman. It's not nice. Maybe she will come back, but in the mean time know that you treated her pretty harshly. She probably did love you and was so hurt by you that she had to move on. Let it go, but really be careful with other people's emotions. You hurt her too obviously. There's nothing you can do about it now, but just acknowledge that you didn't handle the situation properly and take some time for yourself. Or what about this: "I was rather harsh with her and told her that to go find someone else (in hopes that she would ask for me back)." You can't be serious here? You thought she would start pestering you to date her again when you were harsh to her and told her to go find somebody else? You really need to work on your communication skills. Thanks, I missed this earlier. Some hard truths - and I was honest about my story - no sugar coating nor hiding my mistakes. I agree that I was emotionally insensitive and have been actively working to change that. I did ultimatly apologize for this right before NC 4 months ago, for what it is worth. If I were her though, I would be afraid to be hurt again and, unfortunately, fully do not expect her to return. I wish her the best and hope she finds love again like we once had or better. Link to post Share on other sites
sooshi Posted March 24, 2014 Share Posted March 24, 2014 It's sweet that you still care for her well-being. I hope you're doing okay, though. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author redbaron005 Posted March 24, 2014 Author Share Posted March 24, 2014 It's sweet that you still care for her well-being. I hope you're doing okay, though. Thanks sooshi, she deserves to be happy. I've always been a bit of a softy at heart . Been okay, she comes back from NZ this week so its tough 'facing' my mistake and forgiving myself for the hurt I did to someone else's heart. I hope you're doing alright! I read your story and really do feel for another girl on the end of undue cavalier actions. Link to post Share on other sites
Author redbaron005 Posted April 18, 2014 Author Share Posted April 18, 2014 The last week has been very, very uncomfortable? I feel fidgety, tempted to check my exs extensive public social media, and doubting my decision to utilize NC to heal. I've never shut anyone out like this...or lost anyone like this... Link to post Share on other sites
sooshi Posted April 18, 2014 Share Posted April 18, 2014 Thank you for reading my story and for your insights into my situation, redbaron. It's useful to get the perspective of guys because sometimes I feel like maybe I'm missing something and am being unnecessarily upset with my ex. But the consensus seems to be that he was in the wrong and that I wasn't (but was made to believe I was, due to low self-esteem and giving him all of the power). Anyway, keep going with NC! It is hard to do it for us soft-hearted people. I was going back and forth, wondering whether deleting my friend was the right thing to do. I know it is. Just remember why we're doing it: to heal (and not so much to shut someone out). You clearly do care about her as you don't want to hurt her. I believe that in time, you will forgive yourself. We all make mistakes, and sometimes those mistakes will make us hurt more than others. Forgiveness will come. I'm glad that you've acknowledged that you made a mistake. Next comes acceptance that it happened, and that you've been doing what you can do redeem/recover from it. You're doing great, even when it doesn't seem like it. I like your profile picture. It's cute. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author redbaron005 Posted April 18, 2014 Author Share Posted April 18, 2014 Anyway, keep going with NC! It is hard to do it for us soft-hearted people. I was going back and forth, wondering whether deleting my friend was the right thing to do. I know it is. Just remember why we're doing it: to heal (and not so much to shut someone out). You clearly do care about her as you don't want to hurt her. I believe that in time, you will forgive yourself. We all make mistakes, and sometimes those mistakes will make us hurt more than others. Forgiveness will come. I'm glad that you've acknowledged that you made a mistake. Next comes acceptance that it happened, and that you've been doing what you can do redeem/recover from it. You're doing great, even when it doesn't seem like it. I like your profile picture. It's cute. Thank you sooshi. I will keep doing NC until I am ready, now that I have committed myself to it. However, I'm seriously doubting the original commitment and the concept of NC. It just seems as though the path to reuniting with one's ex and the path to healing cannot be the same. Just really unclear of the logic behind it. It seems that many who have gone back to their exs had their exs emailing them with life updates on their progress? I don't know. The decision to go NC was prompted by the fact that I found out that the new man she was dating (after consulting my journal) was the guy she mentioned as having asked her out at the beginning of our relationship. The NC decision feels so final because of this trust issue, and its scary. Its weighing heavy on my mind. Also AnyaNova's birthday post reminded me of how my ex basically broke it off with a handmade birthday card, that she made four months earlier (date on the comic, which was very hurtful in context). Am a big believer in forgiveness, and ran across the below definitions, which I like. I believe forgiveness is the ultimate form of love (outside of giving your life for someone), and I still love my ex and myself, so I have already forgave and accepted. I know I am in the full on depression/bargaining stage in my healing process. I just don't know what to expect next, and its pretty unnerving and draining dealing with these strong emotions daily. I've been in total silence from my ex too, which is making me feel a bit devalued, certainly not helping. I am a very logical person and emotions are not always logical. Pfffhhhh, I just don't know. Also, thanks its from the Rescuers Down Under, one of my favorites. ....the different types of forgiveness, and reasonable alternative to forgiveness as follows: Cheap Forgiveness: An Inaucthentic Act of Peacekeeping that Resolves Nothing. Refusing To Forgive: A Rigid Response That Keeps You Entombed in Hate. Acceptance: A Healing Gift to Yourself that Asks Nothing to the Offender. Genuine Forgiveness: A Healing Transaction, an Intimate Dance. Link to post Share on other sites
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