My story of devastation

[throw_away_30]

I've been hanging around here for a few days now. I had originally submitted my story to the relationships subreddit on reddit.com.

 

This is a copy of what I posted there. Tomorrow will be one week since the breakup and NC has been sporadic. We still have a few more things that need to be transferred into my name. We didn't speak at all on Thanksgiving, but she texted me bright and early Friday morning to get the cable transferred into my name. Tomorrow should be the final day I have to see/speak to her to transfer water and power.

 

I've found that reading a lot of peoples experiences and responses to my own have been helpful with trying to handle this in a positive and healthy way. This was written the morning after it happened, before she came to get her things.

 

 

<START>

We've known each other for 13 years. We've been dating for 7 and living together for 5.

 

We've had our little spats over the years, but we never really had any type of fights. We seemed to just get along with each other.

I proposed to her this week. It was the scariest thing I had ever done. I was nervous, but I knew that I wanted this and that she loved me. She said no.

I was heartbroken, but we were finally able to have a talk. She told me some of the issues she had with me and I did the same. Most of them were ones I had already acknowledged to myself and was already attempting to do better with.

 

She told me she loved me, but she wasn't sure if she was still in love with me. That she thought I was miserable and unhappy with her. I asked her if there was someone else and she said no. I trusted her, she never gave me a reason not to.

 

A couple of days later, it started to eat away at me. For the first time in our entire relationship, I violated her privacy and trust. I found out that she had been unhappy for a while. She would complain to her friends about me. She talked to them about how tired she was of us and that she was only staying around until it was closer to our lease renewal.

I also found some messages from an old college friend. I knew about this guy, met him once. I never really liked him, but she said he was just a friend and I left it at that. A couple of times over the years I have asked her about him and it was always the same.

 

I found out that she has been seeing him for at least the last 3 months.

When she got home from work, I confronted her. I asked her if she had anything she wanted to tell me. She kept saying no, that she didn't. When I told her I knew who it was, and had proof, and that I wanted her to say his name, she got mad.

 

I made her leave that night. I know that we had our problems and I tried to talk with her about them. She would always shut me out if things got too confrontational.

 

I feel so betrayed. Knowing that she was telling me that she loves me and still making plans with me, while telling him that she couldn't wait until we were over. He was her safe place now.

I hold no grudge against him.

 

I'm just having a really hard time dealing with it. She's apparently had months to get over it and had someone to tell her all the right things. It doesn't feel like she is remorseful or sorry that our relationship has ended.

Watching her move her stuff out was one of the hardest things I had to do. With every trip, more and more of her and us just left. I know its going to be a long and hard road ahead of me, but I still have so many questions.

Edited December 1, 2013 by throw_away_30

[Sososad]

Hey there that's a very very tough situation.

You seem like a decent guy and tried for the best ..

It's not your fault and you don't deserve to be treated that way.

I think your right it will be a long road but you seem to have a handle on things so far .. Those answers your seeking don't hold to much hope out for them

You may only get more lies and dumbed down truths..

I hope I don't sound harsh to you it's not my intention.

I think you have all your answers she found someone else and that's what she wants.sorry.

Let her go man..she's more than likely not the person you believed she was anymore if she was capable of all the lies and deceit.

It's just damage control now...keep your dignity and don't let her take that from

You... Just let her go .. She's not worth it.

And sadly only time will show u ..u deserve and can do better ..

Stay strong I feel for you !

[redshift]

Just Last month, the woman I was engaged to for 3 years and together with for 5 broke off our engagement just as I was going to be living in her area after 3 years of long distance. I spent the last of my mother's death benefit to get there. She broke it off to date a Catholic boy (I'm atheist, but she's known the whole time).

 

She did it with no warning, she didn't talk to me about anything. She wrote my so many letters "I'll never leave you alone" "I need you to be the leader of my home" "You're the best most self-sacrificial man I've ever known, God really does love me". She betrayed me and everything I stood for. It was a lies, every word.

 

I begged for answers, and even when she gave them to me "I need my husband to lead me in my faith" they didn't answer the real question ("how could you do this to me?"). You will never get an answer that satisfies you. Let it go. It will eat you up.

 

I never broke a promise to her. She just left me like I was nothing (even said she was "at peace" and "joyful"). What I remember everyday is what she lost by dumping me. I loved her because she was her. I did everything I could to be there when she needed me, by skype or by phone. I spent thousands of dollars visiting her. She obviously treated you like crap after all you have been through. She dumped you, man, and she lost out. Now you've gotta start all over, and it sucks, it sucks bad. Remember how good of a man you are and that there is a woman somewhere that will appreciate it (that won't help for a while, but you'll realize it).

 

Stay strong, experience the pain, move forwards, delve into your hobbies.

 

I'm just a month into it, and I'm still finding my way, but it'll get better one day, I know it. You'll know it too.

[throw_away_30]

The worse feeling is that she seemed to show no remorse. She was mad at me that she got caught, that I ruined her plans. When I started reading off some of the things she was saying, her nostrils flared and her face turned bright red. She stopped crying and lunged towards me. She yelled out "what did you do" as she tried to grab the paper from me.

 

After that, she confirmed it, but said they never had sex. The next morning she told me that she loved him. In less than 24 hours she had moved all of her things out, transferred her mail, and began transferring utilities to me.

[redshift]

My ex fiancee didn't give a **** and still doesn't, probably will after she gets her heart destroyed. I know the worst part, I just lived through a reasonably similar situation. I understand what it's like, I live it every day. It's good to grieve, get depressed, get pissed. Don't suppress it. She was my last good friend, so I've really just dealt with it by myself. You can do it too. Start over let it go, the woman you loved is dead, now there's just a monster living in her skin. You'll ask a bunch of questions for the next few weeks, and they don't have answers. Use this time to become who you want to be. Want a 6-pack, go work out, want a new job, go get one. You are only answering to you now, make the most of it.

[throw_away_30]

She was my last good friend, so I've really just dealt with it by myself.

 

This is the way it is for me. She was one of my best friends before we started dating. She knew things about me that I had never even spoken out loud. She was my best friend.

 

I have my parents, some family, and a couple of friends. I was just never as close to them as I was with her.

 

I started writing down how I was feeling. The first few times ended up as me addressing her. I deleted them. I thought it wouldn't be a good idea to do it that way. I've gone with it anyway. I feel better transferring the thoughts and emotions to a different medium. I tend to feel more positive when I finish the last line.

[redshift]

Journaling is therapeutic. She was my first real relationship. I grew up being bullied and didn't have but 1 good friend before her. As I worked through college to get done fast and get a job to pay for the wedding, I didn't focus on my own social life, I had more important priorities. Not that I didn't go out or make "friends" but she was my only contact. I talked to her about my mother's death, she was in the room with when she died. I lived my whole life being hurt, I didn't want a relationship, but she asked and I gave her a chance.

 

She was the nucleus of my life and she left me. Your circumstance seems similar to mine. Think about how good you are, not how good she is. It sounds petty, but focus on her faults and try to forget the good times. It will make it easier to see your own worth. Let it go, you can't make her love you, you can't make it unhappen. I've had my "no atheist in a foxhole" moments, you'll have low days to, where you beg the sky for anything and everything. It won't answer you. Only by moving forward can you close the book. I try everyday. Sometimes I fail, today I remembered proposing on the beach on Jekyll Island. It gets better.

[Just smile]

This is easy for me to say I should take my own advice, but you need to walk , wait.. RUN away from this person. In my opinion,when a woman or a man is able to physically be with another person when they are in a relationship tells me that there is zero respect and absolutely no love left.

 

 

It's unacceptable, and not repairable in my opinion. Dust yourself off, and run.

[throw_away_30]

This is easy for me to say I should take my own advice, but you need to walk , wait.. RUN away from this person. In my opinion,when a woman or a man is able to physically be with another person when they are in a relationship tells me that there is zero respect and absolutely no love left.

 

 

It's unacceptable, and not repairable in my opinion. Dust yourself off, and run.

 

I don't know if there has been anything sexual. She says no, but I do not believe her. There have been multiple times in the last two months where she has omitted the fact that he was at the same place she was. He lives 2 hours away. I know they have been together enough for him to tell her he still smells her days later.

 

I know that it is over. I do not want to be with someone that was capable of that. I keep reminding myself of that. I'm having a hard time dealing with the way it went down.

 

He said something to her about it. Asked her how she felt about leading me on. She brushed it off and said she was safe with him. She had been telling her friends from as far as a month back that she was going to stay with me until it was close to the end of our lease. She was going to kick me to the curb and still have time get her plans right.

 

It's like she is a completely different person from the person I've known for 13 years. She had time to get over everything and make plans and find a shoulder to cry on and she stole that moment from me. I'm stuck here going at it alone and she's just pissed that her plan got ruined.

[Am4Real]

There are so many reasons she did what she did we cannot even begin to speculate and certainly you are driving yourself crazy trying to understand how the person you knew or thought you knew could say one thing and do another. Right?

 

 

Of course it’s right…

 

For the time being it will be on the forefront of your mind…you will examine it from every angle, go over every detail and try to piece together a better understanding.

 

You are likely to make some progress but you will never and I mean never get all the answers you seek.

 

She feels she owes you nothing – as a matter of fact she is right. I know that sounds cold but she latterly is not bound to you in anyway whatsoever and is exercising her right to act in whatever manner she chooses.

 

That’s the crap side of things.

 

Here is the good side…

 

You too have the same right, however from the sounds of things your standards are one H E L L of a lot higher. So work on your healing, accept the fact she is not of the same standards as you and think about this, how much longer would she have gone on in this superficial roll of hers without mustering up the courage to tell you it was over…yes think about that one for a second and surely you’ll come to realize you are way better off now exuding your own rights to find someone more suitable to your morals and standards.

 

I am so sorry for your pain, I really am. It must be awful at this time but you’re here on LS, a good place, a safe place, seek advice to help you heal and many good posters will come to your side.