I think my ex is going through G.I.G.S

[H245]

I need advice on how to handle a hard break up that I'm going through.

 

My ex of nearly one year broke up with me at the end of January. Roughly about a month later in February, I meet this new woman (she is 24 years old) at our mutual friends birthday party at the bar. We talked about and then she ended up leaving early with her friend. She felt uncomfortable because one of the guys worked there was someone she had been hooking up with between December and January and he basically dropped her.

 

The next day, she friended me on Facebook and we started talking and flirting non stop. She eventually have me her phone number and then we were texting each other non stop. After a week, I realized this may not be a good idea since I just go out of a relationship. I told her as such and she appreciated my honesty. But she kept chasing after me for the next 2 months. During the time, she would invite me to come out all the time with her gfs who I am mutual friends with as well. We know all of the same people so everyone knew there was something there between us. Eventually we hooked up sometime end of March and we kept it as such until May. I told her originally I didn't know when I'd be ready for a relationship, but she said I was worth the wait.

 

In May, I finally decided to make things official between us and things were fine. She was being affectionate and always wanted to see me and be there for me, so I figured this is someone I really want to be with. Sometime in June, she started becoming really distant and wouldn't stay over my place on the weekends anymore. On the weekend of my 30th birthday (June 22nd), she was acting really weird and not being herself. She eventually told me she had some things to work out mentally. I asked if it was about us and she said no. The following Monday, she came over to my place to break up with me. She said she didn't think the relationship was going to work, I was smothering her, and that I got jealous really quickly. I begged for us to at least work at it, but she said she didn't think it would work.

 

Needless to say, I was heart broken and had a group therapy session with my friends (who are also her friends). They all took my side because they said she was being selfish. Anyhow, so I ended up running into her a bunch of times during the breakup for about a month because we go to the same bars in the area (I live around the block from them). And every time I would hang out with my one female friend, she invited my ex out too because they are besties. The first time I saw my ex, we talked a bit and about the break up. She told me she needed a few days to get her head on straight because she didn't want to write me off as a boyfriend.

 

By 4th of July weekend, I couldn't do it anymore and had to let her go for good. I told her it felt like I was being broken up with every time I saw her even though she was not purposely trying to hurt me. It lasted about 3 days before she text'd me to meet up and talk about what was going on with her. She told me she was going through some sort of funk (depression maybe?) since January before I met her. She told me she needed to seek help and basically make new friends and start life anew and that she needed to let me go. Not sure if she just wanted to get the last word in or not. Regardless, for the next 2-3 weeks, I still kept running into her. She wasn't seeking help but mainly out partying with her bestie that I know as well. It hurt, but I was slowly moving on with my life.

 

At some point near the end of July, she reaches out to me to talk, so I meet her. She tells me she finally went to a therapist and got some positive perspective and admitted she was sorry for how she acted towards me and that she needs to communicate to me more and that she wanted to work on us getting back to where we were before the breakup. I agreed, but I told her I was concerned the next time she would feel distant and break up with me. We slowly worked back to where we were and she was really trying to be affectionate and go out of her way. After a month in trying again, the next 2 weeks, she went and got distant again. I talked to her about it and she said she couldn't change who she was in regards to being an affectionate person. And that she was wanting to take things slow physically since we rushed into things the first time. But it still felt like she was mentally checked out again. By then, she stopped going to her therapist for about 3 weeks now. She only ever went to 3 sessions.

 

2 Fridays ago, stupidly, I texted I wanted to talk and work things out because I didn't think it was going to work. I felt like all I did was cater to her and it wasn't being reciprocated. She basically flipped out, she might have been drunk at the time. She told me all she ever did was put up with me, have fun being alone because I will never find someone who will put up with me. Told me I wasn't a man and lost respect for me because I texted her how I was feeling. Told me to go to hell, she was done entertaining me, and that she didn't need my negativity in her life. I kept trying to tell her I didn't want to break up and wanted us to work and compromise. She stopped responding and eventually sent one last text to mail her back her stuff.

 

I haven't spoken to her since then. It's been a week and 2 days. This past week I found out that my ex told her best friend that she was planning to break up with me around the time of our trip a couple of weeks ago. Basically the best friend drunkily told her roomate who is good friends with me and she told me after the break up because she felt I should know.

 

I removed my ex from facebook so I wouldn't see her status updates and I have not reached out to her since the night she ended with nasty texts. Part of me does want to reach out and say sorry for the texts, but I know it won't change anything. And my friends have said why should I be the first to apologize to someone who said such mean and hurtful things to me.

 

I don't know how to handle things this time around. As I said earlier, we go to the same bars and know the same friends. But this time, I'm sure she hates me and wants nothing to do with me. There is also trivia night on Tuesdays at a bar that I like going to and like the people that I've met that go as well. I don't want to give that up, but I know she is always there herself. I don't even know what I am holding on to emotionally. Logically, I am done with the relationship, but I feel emotionally attached still and it's really frustrating. It's also really hard to see that she is back in full party mode again. Even though I removed her from FB, her best friend, who I am also friends with, gets tagged when they are out partying late. I'm not sure what to do. I try going to the gym to get my mind off things, but my weekends day and night are always free and I get stuck at home. I honestly think that because she is 24, she is going through the whole grass is greener syndrome.

 

Some red flags I should have seen included when she ended a 3-year relationship a year and half ago because she knew the man was going to propose to her. When she moved back home, she told me stories of random one night stands with 3-4 guys over the past year. When I asked her what her expectations were of me and the relationship she said she had none. Maybe I should have taken them as signs she was not ready for a serious committed relationship.

 

Please help on what to do. I feel like I am starting to lose it. At night I wake up on cold sweats and full of anxiety.

 

~H

Edited September 15, 2013 by H245

[hurts2death]

i feel sorry friend

 

wish strength and power we are here for you...

[Ireallydontknow]

There is honestly nothing to do but to move on. You don't need that in your life. I feel your pain, I'm so sorry.

[ThorntonMelon]

I feel for you - good lesson that when they flake on you in the future...you're prolonging the inevitable to keep riding the rollercoaster. Been there...

[H245]

Thanks all for the advice and support. Any advice on if I should go to trivia at the bar on Tuesdays or should I avoid it for another week or so? I know she will most definitely be there this Tuesday and I don't know if I'm able to see her and deal with being given the cold shoulder as she hates me from her last texts to me.

 

What should I do if her friend tags her on FB being at a local bar that I like going to? Just avoid completely for another week or so? I honestly don't know what to think or do.

 

Lastly...every night, I wake up in cold sweats and get really anxious and check my phone. I guess it's a force of habit because she would always text me in the morning. Is there something I am holding onto emotionally? Logically, I know the relationship was not right, but I am mad that I feel some kind of emotional attachment to someone I know isn't for me.

[H245]

Anyone? I've been going kind of stir crazy today. It also doesn't help that my ex keeps tagging our mutual friend about partying this weekend and it shows up on our mutual friends feed.

[ryan_gigs]

I totally feel you man. I kinda experienced the same thing a few weeks ago.She left me for no real reason. Out of the blue, one day she said that she isnt prepared for a serious relationship and that she wants more time for her friends and more freedom but that i should give her two days to really think about it. After a few days we met and she said that she wants us to stay friends and take time for ourselves, see other people etc. At first i said ok, but then after a few days i decided that this isnt going to work for me and i texted her saying that we either keep what we have or we break all contacts.At first she didnt even respond me, so i texted her again two days later saying that i see how she thinks and wished her luck in her life.she then responded that she didnt see the message (it was on fb) and blah blah and that she would rather discuss over a lunch next week, which pissed me off, because i got a feeling she doesnt give a **** about the whole situation so i told her that i need to know now (maybe this was a mistake and immature, to expect to discuss this on fb, but im sure that she would put some effort anyway if she was interested).well after that message she didnt respond.so i went NC.and then i saw her few days later on a path that we used to run together,i was with a friend that she also knows and she said hi(smiling) to us both but i ignored her.then 2 days later i went out with friends partying.we first went to a bar and i saw her going past that bar with another guy.my heart ****ing exploded and i texted her saying that now i see the real reason for our break up.i got no answer (which made me even more mad) and the next day i wrote her a message on fb with some heavy words and saying that she disgusts me and that shes a bitch and so on.ofcourse i got no reply again, but after three days when i was a bit calmed down i wrote her another message where i said that i didnt really mean everything i wrote and that i hope she accepts my apology.again no reply.after that i decided its time for absolute NC.but ofcourse me and that same friend met her again on a running path 2 days later.this time i said hi and she only looked to my friendand said hi back, feeling really uncomfortable without a big smile on her face.anyway i havent contacted her since that sorry message.i am still really ****ed up 23 days after that lets be friends talk.maybe id be better if i didnt see and text her in the meantime.i have moments when im really angry on her and ****ing hate her because she gives me this feeling that shes a cold bitch.i forgot to say that when all this started, she got a job at some fancy coffee bar and i dont know if its connected but im almost 100% sure that boosted her ego to the sky and she suddenly started to look on me from above.and that pisses me off even more.because i see those guys that work there are giving her some attention and that she feels she doesnt need me anymore.i know its pathetic but maybe her age (20, im 22) and lack of her popularity in the past or smtn explains this.but even after all that i still think (and hope) if she contacted me and apologised or explained some things, i would take her back.at least i think so.i really wish sometimes that i run into her when i go running or when i go to my faculty or anywhere.but i can tell you that when i saw her those two times after break up, i dont know why i became happy for a moment and it gave me hope but then when nothing happend, i was even more crushed.so if you want to really let go i think that it is better to avoid places where you can meet for some time.eventhough its so ****ing hard, because i get that feeling that if i see her and talk to her, she will come back...

[H245]

Hey Ryan,

 

I can absolutely relate. When I was 22, I used to send angry texts to my ex's all the time post breakup. There was especially one ex who left me only to find out she was hooking up with one of my friends a couple of months later. I left her so many nasty texts at the time (I was 24-25 then). Over the years and being 30 now, I'm wiser not to do that as it only makes things worse for us the dumpee as we look pathetic in their eyes. I felt that same feeling of her coming back whenever I saw her during our first break up. She did eventually, but that didn't do any good in the end because I ended up doing all the work when she was the one that was supposed to put the effort in.

 

Speaking of my ex, an update to my situation. She texted me earlier apologizing for the hurtful things she texted me 2 Fridays ago and that she would like to mend things and be friends. I am currently sitting here writing down all my thoughts on paper as I will be meeting her in a couple of hours to discuss her apology in person and anything else that's been on her mind. I already know in my head that a friendship is no where near feasible at this current time, but that I will be civil at group events and if I run into her randomly at the bar, I will probably leave if I feel uncomfortable. I will let you all know how it goes after it happens.

 

If anyone has advice prior to this talk, please lay them on me.

[ryan_gigs]

yeah I know, because after those three days i saw that sending that text was a mistake. but i was so damn angry (also because this is happening during exams period and i have failed both my exams til now because whenever i prepare myself to study, all i think about is her and how we ended.all her words and moments with her are crossing through my mind). And i also wanted her to feel a bit of pain or guilt, because while i was/am suffering she was being so cold about it, at least in my eyes.

As for your talk. I think you should really visualize what friendship with her means. I mean, is it possible to be "become" a friend with someone after a talk? I mean, you become friends with someone that you like spending time with, and you can talk with and this only comes random and with time. If you agree on becoming friends after she proposes that, your agreement to that is like signing a peace contract of some sort, where ofcourse she makes the terms. That friendship kind of means that she doesnt look like a bitch who heartlessly dumped you and that you are now "kinda" ok with the breakup and she can now go out with someone else. Its really a win for her if you ask me, shell feel better and she doesnt really care how youll feel. So its up to you, what you really like between you two. If you would take her back try to bring some memories back of you to and ask her if it still means anything to her and if she still likes you. If she says yes you say that its either you two take a second chance or you break contacts. I made a mistake, because when we had "lets be friends talk" i agreed, but only because i wasnt man enough to demand from her what i really want (more than friend obviously). I only realized that after a couple of days...

[H245]

So I had my talk with the ex. Boy that was a long convo that lasted over an hour. She apologized again for the hurtful things she said to me over text 2 Fridays ago. I apologized for sending the texts and told her that it was never my intention to break up with her over text, but to talk to her in person to figure out our relationship. She accepted my apology.

 

We talked about us a bit, and like the first time she broke up with me, she said she can't be in any kind of relationship right now. She wasn't checked out of the relationship, but checked out of life in general. She needs to figure herself out. To her it's not a problem of commitment she said, because she will always be faithful to her bf. But that she feels she cannot give me what I want at this current time.

 

I told her that I cannot be friends with her for the foreseeable future because I need my time to heal. I told her I would be civil towards her at group events, but if I don't feel comfortable being around her, I will politely leave. She understood. She said it was easier for her to hide her feelings for me than it is for me.

 

We ended the convo with me wishing her nothing but happiness and she wished the same for me. While it was nice to talk things out and be peaceful towards each other instead of angry, I feel I have regressed in my healing process. Hopefully now I can move on and enforce NC until at least early next month for our mutual friends birthday.

 

Thoughts anyone?

[GTNBTTR]

Anytime you break contact you will start right back at day one. You will slip right back into the depression every time. My ex is the same way, she is going through G.I.G.S. Here is what I have done, not saying that it is right but it works for me. She is still attracted to me, she flirts with me, wants sex from me, etc. At the same time she tells me we are not meant to be together, she needs to figure herself out, blah blah blah. I take advantage of the fact that she finds me attractive and yes I have sex with her, flirt with her, and do my best to improve myself so everytime we do see each other she gets that wow feeling.

 

I am not saying that will work for you if you are still emotionally damaged. The best thing for you is to just stop talking to her. Think to yourself why am I trying so hard to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me? A relationship should be appreciated equally on both sides. When she text you next time for a meet up which she will you tell her I am busy. She initiates contact with you when she's lonely knowing you will respond because she is counting on your weakness. The best defense is to be strong. Women want what they cannot have and walk away from what's easily gotten. If you stop all contact, improve yourself, and act like you're moving she just might have a wake up call.

[Chi townD]

I wouldn't have met with her. The ONLY reason she wanted to meet with you was to apologize and ease her own guilt for the hurtful things she said. She knows that there could be a possibility that you two will see each other in mutual group settings and she didn't want that hanging over her head.

 

So, meeting up with you wasn't for your benefit it was for hers.

[H245]

I debated for a long while about meeting her initially. Even though you are right that her apology was to ease her own guilt, it looked like she was really sincere about it.

 

While it sucks that I am back to day one of NC, at least I know now that we can be civil towards each other if we ever run into each other. I didn't like having the idea of us hating each other looming over my head.

 

I will try my best to keep busy. The weekends are usually the hardest times. And sadly, I'm sure there will be more developments as time goes on. She still wants me around in her life and really cares for me. I'm sure she will contact me again down the road. I will def. keep the thread updated.

 

Though for today...I feel like my heart's been shattered into 1000 pieces. Hopefully a good mile swim in the pool will help me through this tonight.

[Chi townD]

 

I will try my best to keep busy. The weekends are usually the hardest times.

 

Then plan out your weekends. Plan a camping trip. Make a plan to visit your brother or sister one state over. Plan a fishing trip....plan it out!

[H245]

Update to all this: Ex broke NC the last 2 days now. Just small talk to see how I'm doing. Not sure if I should just give her the cold shoulder or what. There's been not talk of I miss you or anything of that sort.

[hurts2death]

so not answer the phone friend...

if she wants to rehab she will send clear signal....