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tinkerbelldandy

I was recently in a serious 2 year long distance relationship (me: US and him: Italy). He broke up with me about a month ago citing that he doesn't want to be responsible for forcing me to move there, which I've been working on (selling my home, saving money, visa paperwork, etc.) this past year. We have been getting along well up until I had a complete breakdown from all the stress associated with moving and broke down crying to him; a week later he broke up with me.

 

I've gone this far with the preparations and have my mind set to learn the language and live abroad (at least in Rome he's in Milan). I told him I was going to go through as planned two weeks after we broke up to show him that he wasn't forcing me to move and he became very upset that "why now after these two years that now you want to go that we are not together anymore? Is it revenge?" He also informed me that he doesn't want me to have the idea that my coming there would fix things and we could be together. I'm somewhat hoping he said these things in the heat of the moment and realize that I want to be there with him. But if not, I can still live abroad in Rome which I've wanted to do and go to school there.

 

So should I stay out of respect for him? Or should I go for myself (personal growth with independence and learning Italian)?

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far_far_away

Wow we have similar situations.

 

I live in the UK, I am from Australia. I have been here for 20 months and will need a new visa when I reach 2 years. My ex said he didn't want me to give up Australia and my family to commit to a visa and staying here. He is not convinced I really want to be here. The messed up thing was, before I met him I wanted to stay here. I think they see it as an extra level of commitment expected from them given our sacrifice which freaks them out.

 

So now I am the in the same boat. Should I stay or should I go. If I go, that's it, bye bye to the man I thought was the love of my life. Bye to my home, my job and this crazy city and proximity to Europe. I Give up on it all. If I stay I could be committing to a lonely life in a very big city away from my support network.

 

Its really hard, and I hope that we both find an answer. All I can suggest, is don't even try to make your choice during the immediate painful period following a break up. But I think its good to live abroad at least once.

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tinkerbelldandy

Thanks for the reply. I'm sorry you are experiencing such heartache, but it's comforting to know that we are not alone in this. The crazy thing with my guy is that he's been talking about us building a life together and having a family. I was working through my inner struggle at gaining the confidence to move and I have one breakdown that led to our breakup from all the stress with planning. I've tried to explain to him several times after that he wasn't forcing me, I was just stressed with taking on so much responsibility. But it's something I want to do, now he's angry with me that I'm continuing as planned after he decided we break up.

 

I'm giving him space and letting the dust settle, right now he won't respond to any of my attempts of contact to clear up the miscommunication. Hopefully, he realizes that I want to be with him. Regardless, if that doesn't happen I'll be in Rome learning Italian and gaining independence.

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far_far_away

I know exactly what you mean. Its hard to make these huge life decisions, of course we are stressed. You sit down think about it all from all angles and then make your choice. Mine to take the visa and yours to make the move.

 

Then they pull the rug out from under you, making you doubt your convictions in the first place. I know I didn't make my choice just based on him but now I have to go through the stress of making it all over again. Its what made me so angry I left. Now I am lost.

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BustedUpInside

I think the most important thing to consider when making a move of this magnitude is what the real reason for making the move is. If you are moving mainly in the hopes that once you and your ex are going to be in the same country he will change his mind and want to be back with you, then I think that you might want to put the move on hold and think about it some more. If you really were going to move no matter what, and it doesn't matter to you either way if you guys get back together then maybe you should still go.

 

Whatever your decision, you are the only person that should count in the process. It doesn't matter what he wants or what he thinks. All that matters is your life and how you would like your future to go. Also, if you really do want to move, don't let his attitude dissuade you. Italy is a small country, but it's not so tiny that you both couldn't live there and be just fine.

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FailedFirstLove

Do what you want. it's not about him and as long as you go not hoping for reconciliation then you will enjoy exploring. You could meet more Italian guys while your there :) plenty of fish in the sea once you dive into the ocean

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eachcomingnight

I know I'm late on this but I had to chime in!

I second what other posters have said about giving yourself time to think about what you really want. I know it's hard to separate that from hope but try your best to imagine that you have absolutely no contact with him over there - do you still see yourself having a good time?

 

I just went through a very similar situation, it's possible there were other issues that he wasn't honest about - who knows - but I think the pressure of me moving over there really got in the way of knowing what he felt. He imagined things not working out and me being left, heartbroken in a country that wasn't my own.

 

I'm going anyway - because it is something I've been interested in for a long time, and I have no interest in keeping my job here for another year.

 

Time for new adventures :)

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tinkerbelldandy

Thank you everyone for your insight. Since the breakup I've realized that I need to overcome my fears, I was really excited about living abroad and learning a new language. My biggest stressor was the fact that my living there could put a financial and emotional burden on him and that he would break up with me. Now that the deed was done before, the pressure has been alleviated and I'm looking forward to living in a city I fell in love with and learning a new language and growing into a more well-rounded person by living abroad. I don't have any desire to reconcile, why want to be with someone who gave up on me after all the sacrifice and work I went through in order for us to be together? He has no appreciation for everything I did for him, I wish him luck trying to find someone like me. I deserve someone who will move heaven and earth for me that same way I did for him, but he didn't do for me.

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I'm sorry to say this but i think that he simply doesnt want u there and mayb thats why he said even with you going there might not fix things between u two.I dont think u should linger onto this anymore and as hard as it is u should let him go.Mayb there r other reasons he broke up with you.Maybe.So i think u should stay back but if you have plans on your own to go and study in italy than go for urself not for him.Go there without lettimg him know anything otherwise he'll think its for him u went there.So if its for your own self you wanna go than its totally fine..and you'r breakup should remain this way.If we love someone ofcourse we will want to be with them,theres no forcing here.Its more like he's using this forcing thing to breakup with you.Not like he really means it.

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tinkerbelldandy

Thank you for your honesty. And actually I have let him go, there's definitely a deeper reason for him not wanting to go, because you are right if he truly wanted to be with me he would've jumped at the idea and been happy with me going. I really don't want to see him or having any further contact with him (unless making sure something very important that I'm hoping he'll respectfully mail back to me). Yeah, this "forcing" thing was a complete cop-out.

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tinkerbelldandy

So this past Monday was my birthday and he ended up sending me a long message about how he wished he was with me to celebrate with me, had attended a cousin's wedding that his family was expecting me to be there and telling me that they were telling him that we were going to be married next. He included that he couldn't think of anyone but me as a wife and doesn't believe he can love someone as much as he loves me and vise versa. I kindly thank him and reinforce his sentiments and tell him we can continue our story, he tells me that I am happier now, he can tell it. What's his deal?!

 

Are we on the road to reconciliation or is he playing with my emotions?

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