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Can't Believe It! Blindsided!


Breaks and Breaking Up It happens to most everyone at some point in life! Share your experiences!

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Old 18th May 2013, 11:06 PM   #1
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Can't Believe It! Blindsided!

Here it goes! Been with my girlfriend for 4 years. It has been magical we've done so much stuff together! I'm now 42 and she's going on 36. She has an 8 year old daughter and I have three daughters two in college one in high school. We started off slow she's a nurse and I'm a supervisor for the water district so we're both financially stable. I was renting a house down the street not far from her condo. Interesting how we met craiglist. I was off work for 8 weeks with broken leg so I was looking at craiglist women seeking men one day and saw her add and responded. We talked via chat for several weeks before we arranged a meeting. I picked her up and took her to lunch. It was an instant physical attraction. Her add grabbed me because she said she likes outdoor stuff dirtbiking, fishing, skiing, etc. I am an avid dirt biker and had a fishing boat at the time because we live in Santa Cruz, CA. So we hit it off!

Very slow going at first I was hanging out with friends a lot enjoying my freedom. She was very clingy and it was kind of a turn off. But the magical night happened when we slept together I guess it was magical for her! I was still kinda reserved about her. She just came out relationship 3 months earlier and was dating but dropped everyone for me. We started spending more and more time together took her out on ocean, vegas for supercross race, dinners etc. and amazing sex. She was starting to grow on me and we found out we had so much in common! She is french canadian and is here on a greencard. She had severe family issues molestation, dad abandoned family, mom checked out depression.

Anyway we got serious pretty quick and committed to each other exclusively. We did everything together and became deeply in love! Oh the texts when she was working she worked graveyards. Every moment we had free we were together. I formed a bond with her daughter fast and she would drop her daughter off with me to watch her while she worked very early in our relationship.

So late 2011 we went to Puerta Vallarta with two other couples I know. We had amazing time! When we got back though she went to Canada for Christmas and wanted to break things off. I talked to her when she came back and we worked through it. Early 2012 we decided best if i move in with her at her condo. We would save a lot of money! Oh by now we already purchased a toyhauler together and I got a new diesel truck to pull trailer. So we were serious about this! I moved in valentines day 2012. I had my oldest daughter living with me at time because she was being pain in butt. So 2012 started good then my daughter was having a lot of problems stealing my car sneaking out smoking pot etc. Caused a lot of strife between me and GF. Daughter goes back to her mom and the GF still loves me. Her daughter is only with had 50% of the time.

In August 2012 we had been drinking a lot and I got a DUI. I got in argument with meter maid over parking ticket and apparently I moved car few feet he witnessed. So they arrested me had video surveillance but didn't show me in car. Anyway long story short she was very supportive through all this and we we're going to stick together and get through this!

We had an amazing Thanksgiving together in 2012. I organized trip to san diego zoo, seaworld, and wild animal park. We just had her daughter. Amazing trip! We travel great together never argue or disagree about anything! Christmas 2012 was great also just me and her we both had to work so I got her bunch gifts and she was in love!

January 2013 my life got turned upside down. New interim general manager at work come in ruffled my feathers about DUI. Job wasn't looking good been there 13 years. Causing me a lot of stress. I'm a combat veteran with PTSD and he jumped me about my PTSD to. So she's very supportive during this time as I was when she was going through work drama. We have been ring shopping and found a designer she like we were going to get married we knew we were soul mates. Oh we also bought a harley by now to and enjoyed that for bit. I got rid of my boat because it was money pit. But I've taken here 80 miles out in ocean tuna fishing she's a trooper! She landed salmon, tuna, white sea bass, rock cod, and dorado with me. We also used our trailer a lot just camping locally at the beaches and she loved it!

So work going rough for me trying to keep head up. I did bunch remodeling on her condo new hardwood floors, we painted, installed paver patio. I go on a dirt bike trip late February with the boys to the desert. She's working. We talked about having a kid a boy and I was texting her guaranteed sex clinic cost about $8,000. I wanted boy so did she. When I come back from dirt bike trip she tells me she scheduled plastic surgery. Boob lift reduction, and tummy tuck. Kid tore her stomach up but I always told her I loved her the way she was. So i take some more days off work and take her to her surgery and bring her home. What a gnarly recovery! I laid on little couch next to her first night she turned white went into shock put fan on her kept cold compress on her head. It was like having a baby up every four hours for pain meds help her up to go bathroom etc. Three days I laid next to her! Took her back to doc for follow ups etc. The surgery was March 5 2013. She got back on her feet pretty quick. Weekend of March 17th buddies were riding dirt bikes and thought about going. She told me go! I said didn't want spend money! She offered to pay. I ended up going and everything was peachy. So this weekend while I'm gone on dirt bike trip and old friend she's known for ten years they have duaghters same age got to same school happened to drop by. This guys x-wife had my GF's daughter because I guess she wasn't feeling well form surgery. So the x-wife dropped my gf daughter off to him and he delivered to gf. He finds out about her surgery and here's where it gets crazy.

So mid march I'm getting really depressed dealing with dui stuff still finally got convicted April 5, 2013. Work still very stressful and I start checking out. She sends me big text telling me she loves me I need get help etc. I had been telling her work killing me I'm defeated! I was going to check myself into VA hospital get help. I told her I needed little more time at work though.

So this guy drops her daughter off and all of the sudden they start having long telephone conversations. I can see the progression on the phone bill. 20 mimutes, 30 minutes, 40 minutes, then 155 minutes, 266 minutes WTF? I didn't find out about these conversations till later though and she never mentioned it. April 8 my birthday I'm at work she never text happy birthday nothing! I'm really hurt! Come home after work grab six pack and drinking my misery away she comes out bed idk 9-10 pm and tries give me little kiss and I kinda jerk away and she says oh it's your birthday? No F***ng Sh*t! But hey she talked to that guy 40 minutes on my birthday! So she's started to pick at me about things being mean. April 10 we sit down and set some ground rules. I had another dirt bike trip scheduled to Moab Utah April 20-26. She knew about trip and gave me permission. I had a bad breakdown about April 17. I had been emotional for a month depressed, PTSD, work etc. I had been going VA and their lame! She went with me on several occasions. She was getting frustrated they were'nt doing anything for me. She called the crisis hotline several times and my friends mom etc. I told her when I got back from my moab trip I would get help. So she's talking to this guy while I'll at work or while I'm sleeping. She stays up all night because used to night shift sleeps all day. I had no idea not like I look at phone bill all the time. I did confront her though she would always be on phone texting etc. She said people cared about her. So in my time of desperate need of emotional support she was talking to this guy emotionally cheating on me. After her surgery she told everyone how great I was and how much she loved me I was there for her.

So things are getting little weird leading up to my Moab trip. She wanted to take me and her daughter spend day together for my birthday go dirt bike store I wanted new gear bag. I wasn't really interested because still mad how she dogged me on birthday.SO she went over to this guys house or the neighbors. I was home getting my bike ready for trip. She asked if I wanted to come over she was drinking Margaritas. I said I was good. So the Friday before I leave Moab it's just me and her she had hair appt and I grabbed some movies for us. She comes home from hair appt goes straight bed. I make some popcorn lay with her and watch movies. I can smell alcohol on her she had been drinking. Didn't say anything. She says her legs hurt so I rub her form head to toe for hours that night! I try make sexual advance she's not interested. I didn't think anything she had right to be mad I had been checking out and admitted to her that I needed help and will turn things around. Next morning saturday she has me hang some curtain rods, and a lamp. She hung bunch pictures up of her and her daughter and I made comment none of me? No comment from her. So I'm leaving Moab late this Saturday night. She leaves around 7:00 P.M. says she's going shopping gives me couple little kisses. Not much emotion.

I leave that night I'm texting her my progress and getting no response. She shut me down! Next day I try calling her best friend and my gf answers. They're getting their nails done together. She tells me she wants to move on and be happy. I say okay I'll respect your space. So I'm a fricking mess now worst dirt bike trip ever! Make the long trek home day early had bad wreck fractured finger. I get home unload stuff and go open back door at condo and she change the locks! I go around to the front door no go! I start trying open front window to get in and she opens front door! She's startled what are you doing here? Oh I'm the guy who lives here remember? She says we need to talk. I give her 20 page letter I wrote on long drive home. Asked if I could take shower. So after I get cleaned up we talk she's being cold blooded b**tch! She shows no emotion says she doesn't care about me it's about her and her kid! Oh I noticed the long phone conversations with this guy when I was in Utah and find out who it is. So I confront her about that. He calls while I'm talking to her she answers doesn't want daughter to see me. Her daughter loves me! So daughter is with this guy. She says to him she's being honest with me and told me that she had feelings for this douche! I'm just sitting there really? I'm in fricking high school! Then his x-wife calls my gf who they couldn't stand each other a month ago! And the x-wife tells gf that she should be with her x. Really? Are you fricking serious? My gf tells x wife that I want another chance. I told her give me 28 days while I do program through VA. We'll take one day at a time and get through this. Told her I lover her! She's not being receptive look her in face say look its me the guy you loved two weeks ago when we we're out kissing each other. No go! She's cold! She tells me she may want to pursue something with this guy. Find out he's 48. She tells me I'm much better looking. She says she'll watch both of us and make a decision who she wants to be with. Just pure craziness she's ripping my heart out and stomping on it! She had go get her daughter form school and wanted me to leave for weekend. I'm fricking exhausted and it's early afternoon Friday. She ends up at guys house with her kid and his. A buddy comes picks me up Friday night and stay at his place. My buddies rally and Saturday morning show up her place 4 trucks and they move me completely out! That was so hard for me! I asked her if this is really what she wanted. DO you want me just grab some stuff few weeks? Couldn't get straight answer she asked can't I just get storage.

So Sunday morning wake up my stuff scattered everywhere and I'm a pure wreck. Staying at buddies we walk down wharf for breakfast and the now x-gf is calling me why? I don' t answer. I text back later asking how her daughter was she said it was hard on her. I bet! She asks me if i can call. I call after awhile no answer she was at beach new boyfriend with kids. She text that night ask if wanna talk said sure. We talk it was good no anger nothing just sadness her daughter physically sick throwing up. We arrange that I stop by in morning on my way to work. We wake her daughter up who's sleeping on air mattress in master bedroom I took my king size bed I paid $3500 for that bed! She's happy to see me I'm emotional. Told her I'm ok going to get some help not worry. She asks if I can come back live with them when I'm done getting better. The x-gf says it's complicated but we're friends I give the x hug got to work. I'm hot mess all day work can't concentrate etc. Tell my boss situation. I work 15 hours that day big power outages etc. I decide on my way home about 11:30 P.M. form work to drive by condo see if she's there. She's not so I drive by the guys house down the street her car is there out front! They're not baking cookies at 11:30 P.M. I know they don't have any kids that night. I feel like puking! Make it home buddies house no sleep can't go to work next day call in. Get note form personal doctor excusing form work for week due to anxiety.Next week check myself in VA hospital that really helped isolated form society. Lot of time to reflect. They got me going antidepressant and did some therapy and got aftercare plan.

She called me few times before I went to VA hospital. She got in car wreck and was still on my car insurance blah blah. Told her get her own insurance and cell phone plan. When I get out VA hospital I have to go to her place to pick up new debit card that got delivered there. I knock on door she opens. She's a train wreck! Candy wrappers on couch not happy etc! She starts complaining about money and how she can't pay bills. She still on disability from surgery she just extended it for a total of 12 weeks. Her water bill 48 hour shut off noticed there I picked it up and paid for her. I shouldn't have. She made her bed my support gone when she changed door locks. I'm standing strong feel good wore a shirt she likes. Lost like 12 pounds been exercising hadn't drank in bout 3 weeks. Give her hug and say gotta go.

So I take another week off work not ready back. I make a move from one friends house to another. the place I was staying they are having marital problems and I don't need that stress. I talked to several of her friends and her best friend told me she doesn't know what's going on in her head and she had no idea about this other guy. She told me to move on! I deserve better! I told her not that easy I love her! She's my soul mate! None of my friends particularly like her she gets crazy when she drinks. She recently punched one of my buddies in nose for no reason when we were drinking. She flirts a lot to when drinking and has gotten me in a lot of almost fights.

So I asked her if we could talk. I was just looking for clarity. First thing she says is we're not getting back together. I told her I understand that. Nothing real good came out of this conversation. She told me she can do whatever she wants and doesn't care what people think. Referring to dating this guy. She liked the idea of his family she told me. She thinks she going to be step mom of the year I guess. told her wait till the x-wife nuts ups again or your kid and his kid don't get along told her good luck go play house. So I really didn't get any clarity. SHe said we can't be together t now and if its meant to be then its meant to be.

I sold the Harley never really wanted that Harley it was all her! I wanted different one. I sent her check in mail for what little profit we got it was financed and some notes she had written in notebook about how much she loved me. She wrote about money etc. I don't know why she never talked to me about this stuff. So I've had no contact for about a week now she tried to call me two nights in a row earlier in week. I sent text asked if there's anything we need to talk about and she said no. I said ok take care then. I can't talk to her hurts too much! I just break down and cry here and there can't believe she what she did to me! I trusted her so much! Never thought she would abandon me in one of the roughtest times in my life!

So here I am I have great friends really taking care of myself again refraining from drinking, exercising, talking about it. I'm still very hurt! Toughest thing I've ever had to deal with! Thought we'd grow old together!

I did so much for her throughout the relationship! I did most of the cooking. Even when I didn't live with here I would bring her food at work, wash her car etc. When I lived with her I did all the cooking, cleaning, etc anything to make her life easier. She appreciated it! Her daughter absolutely adored me! Yes I wasn't there emotionally for her after surgery because I needed her love and support! So that's my story. We had so many amazing times not mentioned and she seems to just have forgotten about that. I guess she thinks the grass is greener on the other side of the fence. Apparently this guy doesn't even have steady job. She'll get sick of supporting him. IDK maybe she won't. So sticking to my NC let her know I don't need her in my life! She has to look in mirror everyday and at her daughter and realize what she did is wrong. Me my heart is broken can't get her out of my mind. My friends been getting me out talking to girls here and there so that's good. But I really miss her! Thanks for listening
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Old 19th May 2013, 1:36 AM   #2
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I'm not gonna lie, I stopped reading less than halfway through. I know it felt good to get that out of your head though.

For now, you need to be your focus.

Go no contact and accept that it's over.

You deserve better.
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Old 19th May 2013, 5:24 AM   #3
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Read the whole thing. Am not sure what made her change? Why all of the sudden this new man (by phone only) seems to have her interest? Not sure and you seemed unsure. Either she wasn't truly happy like you thought she was or she by far is suffering from GIGS.

Bottomline is: She's cold hearted right now and all the good things you had done does not matter to her right now. You need to put your focus on yourself now. She needs a serious dose of you not being in her life right now. Maybe then, she will realize what she had when it's no longer there.

Let her be, heal yourself mentally and physically and move on from this. You no longer should show her any attention and don't be her doormat when she needs someone to fall back on when the "other dude" isn't around. Let her dwell in her own misery that she's created.
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Old 19th May 2013, 5:29 AM   #4
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80% of the post was pointless.

The fact is, she used you because you let yourself be used.

You invested, she dabbled.

Salvage what you can of yourself and just put all of this in the dumpster.
No point going over old trash to dig anything useful out of it, you'll just get more and more mired up and filthy.....
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Old 19th May 2013, 8:39 AM   #5
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I'm not sure pointless just my feelings! Just had to get it all out! Truly heartbroken! Ya I know I'm giving her dose of NC I've gotta move forward but it's extremely difficult! Can't get her out of my mind obsessed with her! Its getting a little better everyday not as much crying still hard to swallow what she did to me. She's the one who has to look in mirror at herself everyday and deep down inside she knows she screwed me over! Wasn't very adult way of handling things.
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Old 19th May 2013, 8:56 AM   #6
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I'm so sorry. When people so close diverge. But you can only ever have control over half of what goes on, and that's your half. With her issues etc she is displaying signs of not being stable and is looking, searching for solace in possibly the wrong places who knows. I mean some people choose alcohol over a loving partner to 'solve the days problems and feel better'!! When put like that im sure you can see that even though decisions are made with the idea of helping oneself, they often don't. Let her go, do her thing, if you treated her right she will be back in some form or another and by going nc you will have allowed yourself time for clarity to make the right decision for you when that time comes. Good luck and try and smile today! Call one of your kids and let them roll off their probs to you. That's what dads should be there for and will take your mind off yours
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Old 19th May 2013, 9:22 AM   #7
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Originally Posted by siankat View Post
I'm so sorry. When people so close diverge. But you can only ever have control over half of what goes on, and that's your half. With her issues etc she is displaying signs of not being stable and is looking, searching for solace in possibly the wrong places who knows. I mean some people choose alcohol over a loving partner to 'solve the days problems and feel better'!! When put like that im sure you can see that even though decisions are made with the idea of helping oneself, they often don't. Let her go, do her thing, if you treated her right she will be back in some form or another and by going nc you will have allowed yourself time for clarity to make the right decision for you when that time comes. Good luck and try and smile today! Call one of your kids and let them roll off their probs to you. That's what dads should be there for and will take your mind off yours
Thank you! I'm going to church with my youngest daughter today. Really been searching for my higher power to give the strength to get through this. I know I have to let her go! Just can't get her outmof my mind! It's controlling me eating me alive.
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Old 19th May 2013, 10:37 AM   #8
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Originally Posted by markhe View Post
Thank you! I'm going to church with my youngest daughter today. Really been searching for my higher power to give the strength to get through this. I know I have to let her go! Just can't get her outmof my mind! It's controlling me eating me alive.
See the counselor at the VA.
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