SalientPoint Posted April 10, 2013 Share Posted April 10, 2013 Sorry it's so long guys, but could really use some support. So basically been with the gf officially a year on Thursday, but knew her for longer. Half of the relationship we lived together for, and the other half was long distance, and we had a really solid relationship the entire time. She came up with a plan for me to move where she was a few months ago, and we were both actively working towards that plan. When I gave notice on my apartment she started acting weird, and then got really distant and didn't talk to me much after that until I moved out this past weekend. Today the dam finally broke. I asked what was up and she said that she loved me very much, but wasn't in love with me. Well, that's how it started out, then the conversation got really bizarre. She said a couple of times that she loved me but wasn't in love, but still wanted to be with me and would still marry me because she loved me. I asked what that meant, and she basically said, or again because it didn't make sense, what I got from it, was that because she loved me as a person she'd settle for me since romantic love is weird and difficult and she didn't believe she'd ever truly be IN love with anyone. I asked what she defined as being IN love (she's from a different country so there's some cultural differences about the phrasing) and it was something to the effect of not being able to sleep at night and being super excited about the person, and she noticed this past weekend while she was on vacation she didn't really fantasize about me when I was gone. I asked if after a year together and the fact we haven't seen each other for months didn't maybe have something to do with this, or if she was just scared and getting cold feet about commitment now that the time for us to be together was materializing and she said she didn't know, maybe she was just scared. Then she want back on about how she did have romantic feelings for me and she'd still be my gf if I lowered my expectations and that she thought things would always be difficult in our relationship, even though we didn't really have a lot of problems. Then she signed off abruptly (this was online since I was at work due to time difference). So I get that it's over, but it's just so shocking since she was so very loyal and sane and committed during the time I knew her. I'm in my late 20's, professional career, make decent money, she's in her mid 30's, master's degree, good career, very mature and rational, and initially it was discussed and we fully admitted that we would NOT be comfortable talking marriage with anyone we'd only been with a year, but due to immigration issues, once she thought about it some more, she realized, or at least this is what she said to me, that she did love and want to be with me enough to get married and the talk was always on her end. Because she's so different than all the other women I've dated my whole life, I also thought she was potentially " the one" even though I don't believe in that kind of stuff and normally think it's crap. I had a health scare when we were living together and she was so supportive and amazing, even better than all of my friends, and I remember telling my mom " If I'm ever going to get married, it's going to be to her." She also said she'd loved me the most out of anyone she'd ever dated, and basically I thought we just had a really healthy functional relationship. That's what makes this one so difficult. Out of almost 3 decades on the planet, almost two of which dating, she was so different than anyone I'd ever been with. The love of my life till this point, my college sweetheart, who also broke up with me was always kind of the secret standard I'd weighed other girls in the last few years against, and my latest ex was the only one that could ever even come close to meeting it, and in some ways even surpassed it. I've never been able to fully trust any girl I've ever been with, except for this one, and have had a bad history of dating girls that have some noticeable relationship red flags, but she really didn't have any. So I thought, " finally! I'm truly in love with someone that is healthy, affectionate, honest, loyal and doesn't have glaringly obvious relationship issues!" but even that wasn't true this time. So I have nothing to base anything off of, and don't know how I'm supposed to trust anyone this time around. The last breakup with someone I loved this much ended in total life altering disaster, so I don't even know how I begin to deal now that it's happening again (I've had relationships in between since they were years apart, but was never as into the girls as I was my college sweetheart and recent ex) I know I now need to go NC if it is truly over, but since this was done online I'm wondering if I should try and call her and say a final goodbye, or wait and see if she chats with me again, cause she also seems like she might have possibly been drunk. So I don't know if I should take the conversation at face value and just delete her off of facebook and go straight to NC now, or give it time and see if she has anything else to say. Link to post Share on other sites
uniqwa Posted April 10, 2013 Share Posted April 10, 2013 I say call her up.. See what happens. BLOCK your number.... That way if she does reject you O_- you don't have the evidence to haunt you later.. but give her a call.. see what happens.. IF she wants to be with you, she'll have you!.. don't do it face to face.. Rejection would suck so much more that way... Link to post Share on other sites
CompleteFailure Posted April 13, 2013 Share Posted April 13, 2013 Did you guys even break up? The whole conversation seems a bit confusing. You mentioned immigration issues. What kind of issues? Does marriage equal citizenship for one of you? Is it possible that her conscience kicked in and doesn't want to use you for something like that because she actually does care about you? Or is it possible that she might think you're just using her? Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts