Backwards or Forwards?

[mcdo]

I spent the best part of 2 months trying to get my ex back with no positive results. Last week she told me that it's completely finished and to let go. So I've been accepting that and trying to move on. I decided it was time to implement no contact.

 

I'm 1 week into NC. At first it was just complete avoidance without taking any actions. Then after a few days I blocked her updates from my Facebook news feed. Then I unfriended all of her friends. Slowly got around to deleting every email and her email addresses. Then deleted every text message. But I simply couldn't unfriend her on Facebook or delete her number (which I know off by heart anyway). I wanted to keep those links there, I dunno, to let her know I'm moving on and doing fine or whatever. And to let her reach out if she needs me or something.

 

I just couldn't cut those particular ties.

 

All week I was dreading the lead up to Valentines Day (so much so that I started a different thread about it). And when the day arrived I actually dealt with it quite well thanks to the feedback I got on this forum. The memories were flooding back of course but I focused on work, went to the gym and had an anti-Valentines evening with friends (i.e. drinks). It felt great. I felt like I was making real progress now that the memories weren't getting me down.

 

Then I woke up today in an awful state. It was like I had bottled up all the negativity and let it all loose this morning. I couldn't get out of bed and was late for work. I opened up Facebook and went to her page and hovered over the "unfriend" button. And I just broke down at the thought of clicking it. Absolute emotional breakdown. It was like taking out a scissors and cutting off a slice of my heart.

 

I must have cried for about 30 mins or an hour. I felt like I had taken a gigantic leap backwards. Back in time to the beginning of the break-up 2 months ago. Honestly thought this stage was behind me. So I regained my composure opened the Facebook up and unfriended. I finally did it. And deleted the phone number too.

 

And I feel terrible. I feel like we've broken up all over again. I went to work and I've been a wreck all day thinking about it. I can't believe how distraught I've been all day. I don't feel like I've moved on at all and I feel like all the previous hard work has been erased.

 

Have I gone backwards or has the fact that I finally unfriended mean I'm actually still going forwards?

Edited February 15, 2013 by mcdo

[newsbug]

I think it's a little of both. According to the NC rules, you are supposed to cut all ties at one time so you can heal and if you don't, then every time you break the NC like looking at her facebook page and stuff, you open the wound all over again and then are starting from step one. I was lucky (I guess) cause he defriended me as soon as he dumped me. I had already gone on facebook and deleted all of our pictures and defriended his family and friends, but I couldn't defriend him. And when I saw he had defriended me, it killed me. I even asked him why he had done it when he said he wanted to stay friends. That was on the day after the break up. He said he thought that I would defriend him so he just did it. But I really think he did it because he wanted his new girl to be able to do whatever with him and me not see it. And it really doesn't matter because I know he saved me a lot of heart ache because I would have kept checking...and I have checked even though all I can see is his face. And that's enough to kill me. This is only day 5 of being dumped though so my NC is still trying to start. The last time I texted him was Wednesday morning and I had to take down our wedding web page today, so I guess today will be starting the NC again.

 

Anyways, I think you probably did have a set back today. And I think it all kind of started over again, but good for you for not actually contacting her. And you are stronger now than you were when you first started the NC. It just hurts again because even though it was over, now it's really over. And it will hurt...but now you can really begin your healing. Good for you for caring about yourself and finally having the strength to let her go completely. It will still hurt, but you will get better. Or at least that's what people keep telling me. Hang in there and try and keep your head up.

[mcdo]

It is tortuous. It's like I was holding on to that 1% chance she could come back. And today I've cut that 1%. Now it feels as if she has died or something.

 

And Facebook is much colder now. There's no chance in the world of seeing any message or anything from her. Strange, cos I thought that's what I wanted. Anyway, what's done is done. I regret unfriending but if it's real NC it's the only way.

 

I had to go home to my parents today just so they could comfort me and talk some sense into me. I think I really have taken a huge leap backwards. Anyway, onwards from here. Still haven't had the urge to contact the ex and I hope I don't get that urge anytime soon.

[cavalier99]

It is a step forward. You have finally accepted it is 100 percent over. Now the true healing begins. Good that you cried. Let it all out. Good luck man. Stay NC like you life depends on it. False hope will friggin kill you.

[destroyed4sho]

Its been 5 months BU and I still have meltdowns and cry. Its pretty normal. I used to have multiple meltdowns everyday and my work suffered. I freelance so I work from home alot and my work has suffered because of this depression. Anyway, I have been 1.5 months NC and feeling way better than I did a month ago. One day, you will wake up and notice that you don't think of her every 5 seconds...it will be like every minute, then every 5 minutes...etc.

Then the meltdowns that you have will start feeling like you are going backward, but as soon as you get over them you will feel like you just made 2 steps forward. It's a curvy slope heading upwards..with a lot of up and downs.