On a treadmill...

[CalvinM]

I've been feeling like I'm stuck on a treadmill lately...

 

My ex girlfriend moved out of the place we were sharing at the end of August, but we were seeing each other casually still even after that when she broke things off completely a week ago.

 

Her family liked me for the most part, but a few times over the past year her mom had been overly friendly and when I brought it up to my ex, was told that their family are really close and that I shouldn't worry about it.

 

Between September and December we hung out at her place and over here, watched movies, cooked together and did all the things couples would do. It was nice and for the most part I never pushed her for more.

 

Occasionally she would message me days after saying that she couldn't keep seeing me casually and needed time alone. This went on for weeks at a time until she realized she missed me and would beg me to come over. Sometimes I'd go, most times I'd say I had other plans, refusing to be specific (sorry, I'm busy, etc).

 

In mid December after not having any contact for a couple weeks, she messaged me while I was on my way to work (I work nights) saying that she had lost her apartment keys and wondering if she could stay at my place. At first I suggested she contact another one of her friends, but she said they were all out and she was broke, so she couldn't go with them. She still had a spare key and my roommate was out of town, so I finally said ok.

 

When I got home the next morning from work, she was still there brushing snow off her car. She tried to make small talk, but all I did was ignore her, unlock the door and then went inside, shutting the door behind me.

 

The next day she messaged me, calling me a jerk for not saying hello and at least talking to her. I told her I was disappointed that she didn't contact someone else and eluded that she may have misplaced her keys on purpose. We didn't speak after that for a few days, when she suggested again that we take a break, only after we have sex one last time. I refused.

 

She asked for space and no contact over Christmas, so I gave it to her. I went to see my parents and she went to see her family. We were about 2 hours apart and this was the first Christmas in 3 years that we didn't spend together. it was rough, but I got through it.

 

Before I left, she offered to give me a ride to the train station. I had worked the night before. Ironic enough her apartment is right across from my work, something I still find peculiar, since I started working there before she moved out.

 

Long story short, I originally had accepted her offer for a ride to the station before I left, but decided after talking to my best friend to let him take me instead. I thanked her for the offer, but suggested it would be better if my buddy take me, so that we can spend the holidays putting distance between us.

 

When I got back in to town, she messaged me to find out what my New Years Eve plans were. I knew she was still back home for a few days after, so I just kept things light and brief, said I was hanging out with a few buddies and kept it vague.

 

When she moved out, she left a lot of her stuff here. At the time she was living with a roommate who had an extra furnished bedroom, so she asked if she could leave her bed here. Her roommate moved out a few months after she moved in to live with her boyfriend and left my ex pots, pans and everything else, so a lot of that stuff is here too.

 

A few months ago her old roommate tried looking for another roommate to help split the cost on the rent. She owns the apartment, so every month that my ex is there alone, she's losing money. Finally after a couple months, she just decided to rent out the entire place, without telling my ex. She's not on lease, so her old roommate just needed to give her 90 days notice.

 

Because of all this, my ex has been pretty frantic. She's been spending a lot of time looking at places. I've sent her a few links as well, but have no idea if she's actually gone to see any of them.

 

Lately I've had my own problems with my roommate as well. He's younger, very immature and doesn't keep his area of the house clean. I'm still very much in love with my ex, but have areas of my life I need to work on before entertaining the idea of getting back with her.

 

In the past couple weeks she's messaged me to ask if I want the bed her roommate is selling, since she's now living with her boyfriend and doesn't need it. Before we were living together I slept on a futon, so her roommates bed would definitely benefit me greatly. She's selling it cheap too, because she doesn't want to have to move it.

 

Conversations between my ex the last month have been sporadic. I've tried to keep things formal, something she's noticed and commented on. She hates that we've grown apart and still misses me very much, but isn't ready to get back into a relationship, with anyone. I'm ok with that and have suggested we see each other casually, which worked for a while, but lately she doesn't even seem interested in that.

 

I'm at the point now where I either want to give her an ultimatum to put up or shut up, or cut her out completely. I've made mistakes in the past while we were together, but definitely taken great strides to improve my life for the better in the last month. I think she notices these improvements, which is probably why she still reaches out.

 

The chemistry between us is great, we have a lot of mutual interests, but trust issues between us caused a lot of pain and maybe I should just cut my losses.

 

Anyone in this boat wanna weigh in, I'd be interested in hearing your point of view.

 

Thanks in advance.

Edited February 4, 2013 by CalvinM

[CalvinM]

tl;dr

 

1. we broke up in August, she moved out of the place we shared for 2 years

2. we continued to see each other casually up until a month ago

3. I didn't physically cheat, but neglected her, was emotionally distant at times

4. I was closed off to the idea of marriage (have always been, to anyone)

5. chemistry between us is explosive (mutually agreed upon)

6. issues with lifestyle choices, she likes to hike/bike, I'd rather run (not a huge deal, we ran together sometimes)

7. her family are a burden on our relationship (mom is lonely, flirts openly with me, sister is nosey)

8. gave ultimatum to cut ties, she agreed, then contacted me for trivial things (to buy me vinyl records, message me on fb about cats that look like ours) days later

 

Sent her this email today after 3 days of NC:

 

*Her name,*

 

I spent most of today thinking about us, past tense. I realize the relationship is over, but I'd really like to work on the issues I have with you on my side.

 

I've thought long and hard about things and come to only one conclusion; I do love you and I'm willing to do what it takes to make things work between us. I don't consider you a back up plan, you never were.

 

We've overcome a lot of obstacles together and you've stuck by me through all of them. We can take things slow if you'd like, but I'd rather have you in my life a little than not at all.

 

xo *My name*