23 year relationship ended...end of my world

[Stuartxx]

Hi all

My story is this. In june of 2012 i confronted my very long term gf as she had been acting cold towards me for a few months. I knew something was wrong as she had not shown me any affection yet we were still having good sex , so i avoided confronting her earlier as i felt she wouldnt be having sex with me if things were bad. I should add it was often her that initiated the sex.

Anyway, after 23 years of an affectionate and passionate relationship i could no longer handle the lack of affection and asked her one evening what was wrong. She then told me what i feared the most, that she was no longer in love with me. She said she loved me and cared for me, but over the past year she had realised she didnt love me anymore.

Obviously i was devastated to hear this and we discussed all evening why. The basic reason is she had grown fed up of my lack of attentionto her and the fact i had become reliant on her for all my emotional needs over recent years, whereas i never supported her in the same way. This is all true, i amquite self absorbed and do rely on her for a lot.

She also got new friends 3 or 4 years ago who she uses as her support network now rather than me. She said she realised she was getting little back from the relationship, other than a friend and good sex. This may be enough for soem women she said but she needed a strong man who would support her.

Eventually, i persuaded her to give us another go. She wanted to have a trial separation but it terrified me the thought of her leaving. So she stayed but told me i had to try and woo her back, without giving me clues as to how. I thought she meant more winong and dining, which i proceeded to do over the coming months.

Although we continued to have sex over the next few months it was always initiated by me and always when we were a bit drunk after a night out. The affectionfrom her never returned, other than the sex. No touching, kissing or loving emails etc as she used to send me.

Eventaully in november 2012 i confronted her again about how she felt. She told me nothing had changed for her, and said i should move into the spare bedroomas she could no longer share a bed with someone she didnt feel anything for.

That night was the worst of my life and th enext day i told her i would move to my mums, which is what she wanted.

Then i did the most stupid thing i could and after two weeks of constantly texting and phonong her, i moved back home and into the spare room, where for the next month we had the most awkward and emotional time, as we led seperate lices and i had to watch her go out on xmas parties without me and even cooked our own meals. Every day i cried and begged her not to leave me, which i now know just makes it more likely she will.

On 22 decaember she did just that. We agreed to be friends but of course over the last 6 weeks i have continued to push her with my putbursts, to the point that although she priginally wanted to see how she felt she now cannot stand me and has told me there is no chance she is coming back. She will block my number if i comtinue to text her.

Yesterday i enforced a no contact rule on myself to allow myself the time to heal. Ridiculously i still hope we may reconcile. There is no one else, we were best friends for23 years and we had good sex right up till october. She wants to live life for herself now. She is 40 and has been with me since 17, but i know its not about other men, although that will happen eventually.

I am living a nightmare now. I am off work with depression, have no motivation and the house feels empty and lonely.

I need to move on but just cannot imagine life without her

[Echo000]

i understand how you feel--besides a loved one dying this is probably the worst pain a human being can experience. You need to breathe my friend. Relax and accept the pain right now. Easy thing to say to you would be to simply "let go, move on" etc. I am not going to say those things, because I know that right now you arent in a place to lose hope or let go. You simply cannot, and that is human.

 

This is what you need to do. You need to work on yourself- you need to mend yourself. You need to focus on yourself. The trend is this: YOU. You cannot be with your ex or anyone for that matter until you work on yourself. She does not respect you right now. And you are not respecting yourself. You need to look in the mirror, and pick yourself up. One day at a time. Pretty crappy way to live, but its the only way right now. Try not to worry about the future, everything is going to be alright.

 

Go watch "The Tillman Story"- its a documentary on Pat Tillman and it will not only distract you but give you some perspective (even if just for a moment).

[grace777]

I agree with Echo. You need to take care of yourself. I really recommend seeing a therapist right away. 23 years is a lifetime together, and you need to learn coping techniques, deal with the overriding depression and learn how to rebuild yourself in a healthy manner. I saw one, but waited 2 months before doing so. I wish I would have gone immediately. Look into your insurance and take care of this immediately. My copay was only $20 per session. If you don't have insurance, open a credit card, because it will help you and you will need the support.

 

On top of therapy once or twice (or more) weekly, get outside. Take walks. Work out, and work out HARD - get those endorphins going, it will help. You will literally have to force yourself to do this, but it will help.

 

Stay busy - no matter what it is. Run stupid errands. Grab lunch with friends. Walk your dog. Try your hardest not to mope around the house...your mind will mess with you and make it so much harder.

 

In a couple of months, it won't hurt as bad. I can't imagine what you're going through because of the amount of time you spent together, but I do know it hurts like hell. I was in a loving relationship for over 3 years and it ended 4 months ago. You WILL get through this.

 

Do not contact her. You are right, she will loathe you. Now, I do not necessarily believe it is a hopeless situation, but until you take care of and rebuild yourself - and your own identity and confidence - you cannot talk to her. No pleading, explaining, reasoning will get her to come back right now. If you want her back - take care of you. If there is hope, it won't be for a year or so because that's how long it will take you to rebuild yourself.

 

For this situation, I sincerely believe no contact - 100% nothing (texts, calls, emails, facebook, etc) is the only way to go. You have to back off or you WILL push her away forever. She told you herself that she needed you to not be so reliant on her. Well, do it! Rebuild man - see a therapist. That's a good first step.

 

I am so sorry to hear of this and you found a great site with supportive people. You will get through this. The sun will shine again. I promise you. But you must stand up and take the first few steps toward a better future.