From perfect to devastation

[Beatbox120]

I don't know where to start with this one, or under which forum it belongs......

 

Basically I've been with my girlfriend around 10 months. Most of this time has been as a long distance relationship, we get to see each other once per month approx or for a week here or there with holidays from work etc.

we met just after she split up with her ex boyfriend of 7 months. They split because they were making each others lives really difficult. This was approx a month before she was to move abroad. We got together then and have been together since. Our relationship has got stronger despite the distance. Both found it tough but not impossible or as bad as I had thought it would be.

We were/are both crazy about each other and we were/are really in love. We just click as two people together, she is the type of person that suits me perfectly. She's honest caring and it is really enjoyable to be around her. She went as far as calling me her perfect man. And I was the ideal person even comparing me to her previous boyfriend who wasn't.

 

However, about 5 weeks ago her ex boyfriend died in a tragic motorcycle accident. It was a horrible thing to happen and she was/is distraught. She immediately came home to attend the funeral etc. I picked her up and she stayed in mine for a few days. I dropped her off at the funeral home , picked her up. Brought her to friends of her ex bf that they used to visit together. Brought her to buy flowers for his grave and brought her to the graveyard too. She started telling me stories of when they were together. And how she regretted leaving him and that maybe it wouldn't of happened etc. I couldn't cope too well either. We cried together. Asked her questions about their relationship and times together etc. but feelings of jealousy started to get the better of me. I got angry when photos of them together started appearing on Facebook and she started putting statuses about losing the person she loved etc. I just couldn't keep my feelings in. Plus she wanted to get a tattoo which I was totally against. I didn't want to see a mark from him on her body when we were together. We argued over this. I said I would more than hate the tattoo....and I could never bear to see her with it.....

 

She began to feel that she couldn't talk to me about all this because she seen my reactions.... But after 2-3 weeks she decided she wanted a break from our relationship.... I got frustrated again and said some stupid things like oh I guess he won in the end etc..... She got angry,,, she says she doesn't want to hurt me and she can't cope with all this...I apologised and realised I wasn't giving her the support she needed... I got flowers sent to her home and wrote a note apologising for my behaviour.. She liked them, and things were ok for a few days....we booked a trip to the Maldives together for February.. She seemed keen, checking resorts etc..... Then the other day I asked her on Skype how she was coping with his death and everything else...she said that it felt like we weren't on a break at all and said she want to have a break she needed time and space....she said i was trying to carry on like nothing had happened and I was ignoring his death and pressuring her to act like normal.. She said she was tired of pretending to be happy with me just so she wouldn't hurt me... She said she is still devasted... I told her I understood and I don't expect her to be happy,, I wanted her to talk to me about all the thoughts in her head even if she thought they would hurt me.... She told me about all the regrets,, of how she treated him.,, how she ignored his messages he sent her after they broke up.. How she wished she had replied etc...

 

She says she wants a break,, and that I keep planning too far ahead,, she says she still wants to talk to me ,,and she wants to see me in 3 weeks time when we both have holidays from work..,she said that we aren't necessarily over for good.. But she also says she can't handle this long distance relationship cause I'm not there for her and I can't give her everything she needs right now and cant give her what she needs from a relationship. I plan to find work beside her,, but i need more experience which could take between 7 months and 2 years.

I feel like this has torn us apart, everything was perfect before...

I love this girl so much and i care for her so much, but I don't know what to do? Have I ruined our relationship with my behaviour? I don't want to lose her.

[Calico]

I'm not entirely sure how to best respond to this, so I guess plain and unadorned thoughts it is:

 

To me, this sounds like you were her rebound, and the death of her previous boyfriend removed any delusions she may have had about this. It also unearthed her discomfort with the LDR and showed her that she is not happy and satisfied with the situation (this existed before already).

 

Differently put, I don't believe that this went from perfection to devastation, but from delusion to clarity.

 

That's one view. The other is that the death of the ex made her feel very guilty about how she handled the breakup, how quickly she got together with someone new, and how much she believes she hurt him. And on some level, or maybe on all levels, she blames you for it, at least partly. This is unfair to you, but if that is what is going on, there is nothing you can actually do -- other than giving her time. It's a way for her to deal with the guilt, not dissimilar to how cheaters blame the person whom they cheated on.

 

Leaving her alone for now is really the best you can do here, I think. Getting angry with her when she was grieving was a dumb and insensitive thing to do, but you already know that and there is no point in beating yourself up for it. It already happened and I don't feel that without that argument the outcome would have been different.

 

Try to understand here that this is about her and her ex, not so much about you. You may take the fall, but keep firmly in mind that the cause of this is, at least to a large degree, the fact that she entered a new romantic relationship shortly after a breakup and before she had healed enough. That relationship wasn't done when the one with you started.

 

Give her time and don't beat yourself up. I know, it's hard, but there is no gain in blaming yourself and thinking you ruined the relationship. You didn't handle it fantastically, but you're human and you DID do a lot for her during that time, too. You, too, have feelings and needs, and she may not have been able to see that at the time (or now). She may, eventually.