She contacted me out of the blue!why?

[edelveis]

And today,so out of the blue,now that i have moved on she contacted me after 5 months of NC.she wrote me on skype saying hi and that she is back to the place we study.i replied and tried to look cool but after a while i said that i had to leave coz i wanted to walk my dog.she wrote "okay i hope to see you".i never replied to this.i am going to ignore this and will continue moving forward but why does she have to do this?you left me for jesus christ.what are you asking for now? i am so much interested in listening your oppinions

[Mike_d]

breadcrumbs

dumpers remorse

[Calico]

Since you responded, that's the question you should have asked her: "Why are you contacting me?".

 

My guesses: Sentimentality, wanting to be friends, checking if you still like her, boredom, desire for an ego boost, temporary loneliness.

 

All of these have one thing in common: None of them mean she wants you back.

[Dblock10]

Since you responded, that's the question you should have asked her: "Why are you contacting me?".

 

My guesses: Sentimentality, wanting to be friends, checking if you still like her, boredom, desire for an ego boost, temporary loneliness.

 

All of these have one thing in common: None of them mean she wants you back.

 

agree. but then if OP realises this and doesn't want her back, shouldn't be any harm with having a friendly conversation?

 

our ex's if its been months/years, are never quite frankly going to put themselves on the line and ask for us back. just makes me wonder why people's views are so all or nothing even after such a long time. shouldn't we be happy the ex is happy with or without us?

 

wouldn't you want them to wish you happiness?

 

i mean course id love my ex to want me back and really put herself out there to do so, but thats not going to happen, life goes on and no one knows the future ultimately, so isnt it best to just stay in touch but not invest yourself?

[KatZee]

i mean course id love my ex to want me back and really put herself out there to do so, but thats not going to happen, life goes on and no one knows the future ultimately, so isnt it best to just stay in touch but not invest yourself?

 

So in one breath you'd "love your ex to want you back" and in the next you say, "isn't it best to stay in touch but not invest yourself?"

 

Who are you trying to fool here? Definitely not me, and certainly not the most seasoned LS'ers.

 

You're invested. Whether you want to admit it to yourself or not, you are. Those of us who are in NC... well most of us anyway... DO NOT WANT our exes back. These are people who have caused us significant pain and anguish. So no. We don't want them to come back. We don't want them. And we most certainly don't want to have "friendly conversation" with them. We don't want them in our lives in any way, shape or form.

 

That is what NC is supposed to be for. NC is not a game to play to tempt the other into coming back. It's not a manipulation tool. It's a way to move on with your life, put the past behind you, and look to a clean, bright future. Those of us who wish to remain NC aren't looking back with fondness and love. I know I look back with regret, anger, and hate.

 

So no. I don't wish my ex well. I most certainly don't wish him happiness. I wish karma would speed up her game and take a nice bite out of him. I hope he experiences just one ounce of the pain he caused me throughout our relationship. I hope one day he falls so hard in love, and that woman rips his heart out and smashes it to pieces. I think he needs this wakeup call, because until he reaps some consequence for the hearts he's left in tatters, he will continue to use people like they're disposable.

 

You want LC with your ex because there's a tiny part of you that hopes she will come back. And you think that with LC she'll never forget about you and that one day she'll realize what you guys had.

 

Those of us in serious NC? There is no hope. None. Not even one tiny little speck of light. That door of our lives is closed, and to have the ex try to nudge the door back open? Believe me. It's not welcome. At least not here it isn't.

[Dblock10]

So in one breath you'd "love your ex to want you back" and in the next you say, "isn't it best to stay in touch but not invest yourself?"

 

Who are you trying to fool here? Definitely not me, and certainly not the most seasoned LS'ers.

 

You're invested. Whether you want to admit it to yourself or not, you are. Those of us who are in NC... well most of us anyway... DO NOT WANT our exes back. These are people who have caused us significant pain and anguish. So no. We don't want them to come back. We don't want them. And we most certainly don't want to have "friendly conversation" with them. We don't want them in our lives in any way, shape or form.

 

That is what NC is supposed to be for. NC is not a game to play to tempt the other into coming back. It's not a manipulation tool. It's a way to move on with your life, put the past behind you, and look to a clean, bright future. Those of us who wish to remain NC aren't looking back with fondness and love. I know I look back with regret, anger, and hate.

 

So no. I don't wish my ex well. I most certainly don't wish him happiness. I wish karma would speed up her game and take a nice bite out of him. I hope he experiences just one ounce of the pain he caused me throughout our relationship. I hope one day he falls so hard in love, and that woman rips his heart out and smashes it to pieces. I think he needs this wakeup call, because until he reaps some consequence for the hearts he's left in tatters, he will continue to use people like they're disposable.

 

You want LC with your ex because there's a tiny part of you that hopes she will come back. And you think that with LC she'll never forget about you and that one day she'll realize what you guys had.

 

Those of us in serious NC? There is no hope. None. Not even one tiny little speck of light. That door of our lives is closed, and to have the ex try to nudge the door back open? Believe me. It's not welcome. At least not here it isn't.

 

sorry to hear your very hurt from what your ex did katzee

 

see for me, i'm not angry or what ever. it was one of those break ups that was almost inevitable.

 

i did have an ex though where i felt like you did, but now years on i don't feel anything about her and wish her the best even though she broke my heart.

 

but yeah current ex, i know its over and all that, but i see no reason to hold any form of grudge or hate, so i'm more content now.

 

i honestly dont think being lc will mean she doesn't forget about me. like someone said your either memorable or forgettable. i think or like to believe i'm memorable (:

 

her contacting me after i had ignored her shows she cares a little, or hasn't forgotten me. i know its not her trying to get me back or wanting me back.

 

i dont think she will look at what we had, it was short lived and never got to properly take off. part of the reason it feels like in the future if we are both still single, then it would be nice to see if anything could work out.

 

thats not to say i'm waiting now.. i have no control over my future or hers.

 

 

i do think on some level every dumpee would love an ex to want them back, even if it was to just out right reject them if or when they have fully healed or moved on!

[Chi townD]

Breadcrumbs dude. Ignore it. She just wanted to see where your head is at.

[edelveis]

Katzee i totally agree with you.honnestly i dont want to have any contact with her.i dont care where she is now,with who is she spending her time,if she laughing or crying.i am happy now coz i erased everyhting and i moved on.but i will never forget.i will never forget that she left me.she was the one who wanted this.so what is she asking for now?to go out and be friends like nothing has happened?where was she when i was in pain?i havent learned to forget and she hasnt learned to love.

 

I trully believe guys that always comes a time(sooner or later)when a dumper talks back to us..for any sick reason they might have in the heads.this is when we have to close and lock the door forever.show to them that we are done forever and ever.we have to do it for us.in order to have a clean healthy sunny future.if you have died once you can never risk to die twice.

[Calico]

see for me, i'm not angry or what ever. it was one of those break ups that was almost inevitable.

 

And look at how well not being angry works for you.

 

I wasn't angry with my ex, and I still am not furious, but I'm slowly getting to a point where I'm offended by what she did and how she did it. And that is what got me out of a glue-y, sticky spot of pain and depression today after I saw her at a meeting last night, which completely devastated me. It felt like day one again. But getting a little annoyed at her for even being there when it was not necessary, and she knew I had no choice but to attend, helped me to get out of the bed today.

 

I believe there are two different kinds of anger:

 

There's the destructive kind where people lash out, want revenge and actually act out their hatred, trying to harm the person they supposedly love(ed). I feel that this is super counter-productive and just masochistic. People who do this are so emotionally not over their ex, it's not even pretty. And this kind of anger will only get them more invested, not less. It's worse than trying to be friends, from the perspective of healing (really healing, not "adjusting", not "settling", not "making do", not "getting used to it").

 

And then there's what I would describe as the "F.uck You" anger where you use the energy provided by "being so done with this!" to propel yourself forward, away from the person, and where you stop caring because you're genuinely fed up with the person's BS, attitude, "emotional wreck"-ness, and the pain they've caused you. It's self-preservation and a true form of letting go. Sure, self-help books and spiritual literature will often discourage that (not all), but I think that's because people don't always differentiate between healthy anger and toxic anger.

 

I think the "F.uck You" anger that KatZee described is more therapeutic (and certainly faster) than the "let's all love each other, even those who screw us up, walk over us, and don't give a damn for how much we hurt" approach. It's nice in theory, but most of us who don't aspire to become larger-than-life super humans simply cannot go from despair and depression to being a spiritual child born by Gandhi and Mother Theresa.

 

So, FYA is a viable approach.

Edited September 28, 2012 by Calico

[edelveis]

thank you all guys for your answers..