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Have you ever loved someone, but "something is missing"?

hellodearest

By hellodearest,
in Breaks and Breaking Up

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hellodearest

hellodearest

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Have you ever loved the companionship of your SO, loved their spontaneity, intelligence, companionship, sex, and loved to be affectionate with them, but at the same time, feel like you're not quite in love with them as with a past relationship? You feel like they're more of a best friend?

 

My GF (25) and I (26) broke up for this reason after two years, and I'm quickly spiraling down into depression. I have to add, I'm her first real relationship, all her last ones were quick flings (three past "sweethearts") and never got to mutual exclusivity.

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hellodearest

hellodearest

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We've broken up a couple times due to the same issue. She's ended it in the past. This time, she says she's mostly happy (and was talking kids/marriage/moving in). I pressed on and dug deep as to why she wasn't completely happy and she admitted that she still had some doubts.

 

I ended it. And I still want to marry her.

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Minka333

Minka333

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With all of my exes i have always felt there's something missing. Like i easily get bored or the spark is not enough. But with my current bf it's different..it's like i am so comfortable and happy with him even if we're not doing anything..and it is scaring me! Why? coz' i have always been in control of my emotions and i don't totally give all of my heart.

 

I believe you should truly love your partner before marrying them and not just settle or give excuses to how great they are when you don't even feel it. You cannot fake emotions in a longterm commitment. It will surely crumble.

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Calico

Calico

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I think people, especially younger ones, believe that there is someone out there who is 100% exactly what they want. That's just not realistic. Sure, in the first year, maybe even in the second, it can feel that way, but when the brain chemicals settle down, relationships become about compromises and tolerance.

 

I feel that a successful, lasting relationships requires people to be happy and satisfied with a 80% partner. (I think women, in general, are better at this, too.)

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hellodearest

hellodearest

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Calico - I feel the same way too! Unfortunately, it's her first relationship, and it's been two years.

 

We have such HUGE compatibility

 

Of course I can't just TELL her that, (I've tried) but she has to realize it by herself.

 

How do I do that?

 

On another note, we've made up in the past really easily. After periods of NC, she has always broken the ice with something like "can i come over? i'm feeling sad" or something and we'll start taking it slow again.

 

I'm thinking about doing this at some point? I gotta give it a shot before I completely let go.

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youngnlove89

youngnlove89

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My recent ex bf said I was 95% the one but something was missing. We have been in NC for 11 days now. We dated for almost 2 years and he broke up with me twice before, and I broke up with him a couple times also. (Mainly because I was scared he was going to beat me to it)

 

It's awful. Sometimes I felt like there was more out there, that something was missing but I knew that he made me laugh, he made me comfortable, we could talk about anything, he made me, "ME" we always were huge joksters and had a great time together, I never had to pretend. I was always myself. But I wasn't enough for him, obviously.

 

My heart is broken but I know that in time I will be okay.

 

I don't understand how I can be so close to being the one that he just walked away and gave up on me. That makes me realize he was NOT the one.

 

If you really love someone, you don't give up on them.

Edited by youngnlove89
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hellodearest

hellodearest

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Yah! Same situation pretty much but I'm the dumper because I didn't want to accept that. I kind of regret it because she was still trying. Ughhhh. Can't decide if I'm gonna stay nc or not, been thinking about calling all day

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I'm nuts

I'm nuts

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I think people, especially younger ones, believe that there is someone out there who is 100% exactly what they want. That's just not realistic. Sure, in the first year, maybe even in the second, it can feel that way, but when the brain chemicals settle down, relationships become about compromises and tolerance.

 

 

Great post, you are absolutely spot on there!! everyone has their defects, while we are young we are slightly dillusional, as we get older reality sets in, you love someone faults and all, you'll go nuts looking for perfection.

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I'm nuts

I'm nuts

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Yah! Same situation pretty much but I'm the dumper because I didn't want to accept that. I kind of regret it because she was still trying. Ughhhh. Can't decide if I'm gonna stay nc or not, been thinking about calling all day

 

If you regret it then don't be proud ;)

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hellodearest

hellodearest

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Well, at least I know for sure it's over. I think that killing the hope of getting back together for the time being is good.

 

I allowed myself one slip up.

I texted her yesterday that I was having the worst day and asked to hang out. She said:

 

"Sure, of course come over, but to be upfront I have to tell you I'm not looking to get back together"

 

I went over anyway, we laid in bed for a couple hours talking but mostly just holding one another.

 

She was a bit colder than usual and I could tell she was holding back, which kind of hurt, but was good too because I know I need to back the **** off for a long time, and just focus on myself.

 

I just need to figure out how to deal with the grief. My mind knows it's all over, but I feel like I'm having an anxiety attack all the time and it's hard to be motivated for school and anything. I have a fear I won't ever find a girl like her again, she was so incredibly unique, so feminine, yet, so badass at the same time. At school I'm surrounded by... squares!

 

Yikes. I'm going a bit nuts.

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JayL

JayL

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I've only been in long-term relationships and over time, something just goes "missing" that causes the relationship to crumble, but I was younger.

 

My most recent one did not last very long, just about 2 months of being exclusive, but she admitted that while I have all the qualities that she wants in a man, she just can't seem to find that level of connection with me.

 

We were a great couple, similar perspectives in a relationship, future plans blend well, we even got to the point that we talked about potentially moving in together "if" things continue going great after a year or two.

 

It's different for everyone. I felt that something was missing too, occasionally, I'd sit in my couch and think and ask myself "is she really the one I want?" , but when I look at her good qualities, that always made me want to stay and I did, on the other hand, she decided not to.

 

I think you guys should start doing more fun things together, pick up new hobbies and activities. That should spark up that connection that you once had, or maybe never had but who knows? This could spark "that" level of connection that's "missing" all this time.

 

Something I wanted to do and try with her but she didn't want to.... Oh well...

 

No one out there is 100%, but someone out there can be 100% for someone. It may take some work, it may not. I don't think people should settle, but rather accept and adapt to each other.

 

Wish you the best and hope yours work out.

Edited by JayL
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