I makes no sense and all the sense.

[makesnosense]

What a mess I walked into 3 years ago. After taking 3 years to move on from a break up, without looking I fell for someone.

Her story like mine, been single for some time, a few screwed up relationships after divorcing her abusive husband.

Both of us laugh at how similar our worlds were, and even how they even crossed paths during this time, but we didnt know each other.

Now here we stand in our mid 40's clicking ..saying the same things without being asked. if that makes sense. Someone looking for 1 person, not to marry at this point, both been there done that, but wow, someone that gets the mistakes, gets it that views, reactions and boundaries need to be in place. A person that wants my respect, and a person that says...it would be nice to have a partner that supports me. I am seeing a person that wow, wants to support her partner too. And to me support means sometimes pointing out the obvious. SO 9 months of damm near perfect, spending time, for me the natural letting go of my internet social world of women i really dont know, and never will. IN these 9 months she gave me without asking for consideration of what she is up to, off to work, running errands, ill be there at 5pm and being on time. Never giving me any signs that anyone else would be getting her time. And thats all i can go off of. Now i knew she chatted on line, played fake poker, etc, but didnt see that any of that was crossing lines. Then missed a big sign onher computer she left open...a message from someone saying ..they can talk now. This is early in the relationship and i paid no attention to it.

At this point no real serious issues had to be dealt with, it was fun.

Then she started to share more about her job, frustrations. She was a manager. But her frustrations where based on her not understanding what her job was. A breakdown with her owner on what she is to be doing and for how much money. I have my entire life based in management. At first i just told her..you have to get that straight, or you can not do your job...or move on.

Many of those talks got heated just from the standpoint i felt like i was arguing about where does the sun come up ...this was basic business 101 stuff.

So she gets another opportunity at another management position at a new place. She is being handed the keys to the business. A chance to run it the way she KNOWS it should run. And from day 1 of her meetings on it and in accepting the job, she again made the statement of being so unsure of the most basic things she is allowed to do. To me its clear...you were hired to run it, so run it. Not wait for them to tell you what to do.

Being a person that has run a few companies, this is 101 to me, and fine if she does not seem to know it, let me as your loving partner help you learn.

Again, i found my self trying to convince her that the sun comes up in the east each morning.

And I watch her pull away. I continue to be her biggest cheerleader, saying knock it out of the park, take control and run that place, not let it run you. Within in 2 months i could see the pain in her arms setting in from working her ass off, vs managing her staff to get work done. I tried to tell her, your destroying your ability to do your job. **head chef*

 

So one night i send her a few texts telling her to have a great day. She left that day saying she was going to go in and get it under control. I told her i was proud of her. NO reply from the text messages. She comes home and says ..o so busy ...but i could see the look in the eye of a lie.

I didnt say much to it, and just picked up her phone and said ..you dont seem to be too busy for some guy in AZ.

Several texts back and forth about missing talking etc. Nothing said about missing being with, just miss talking..she has been busy.

 

So i ask and get the BS story this and that. He is a married pastor ..they play poker on line together and had formed a freiendship that no on seemed to know about. Late night calls when she was at her house, long chats.

But the lies start...

KNown him 3 years, never met, did met, only known him 1 year ..blah blah. I just picked up the phone and call the POS> He is married, a pastor o a major church in AZ,. My gal thinks he is in computers and knows he married. He admits to me that while they have never met, he is in love with her, and he had figured she must be busy with something more then work.

So at this point i say to her, listen, i can look past this since we never really talked about how serious we/i have bcome about us. I said im not a fan of these things continuing if we are going to be together. This guy says he loves you ..you have to pick. IN the heat of that moment she walked out my door. Stupid me for ever opening that door again.

 

They continued to talk behind and I happen to reach out to one of her friends about it. Big mistake..i picked her girlfriend that in the past there were feelings and thoughts for. but nothing happened...of course till the friend came to visit. So the friend comes to visit saying lets see if i can help and talk to her, you know she had a pretty fcked up life...so ok ...well by the time that person gets here, i can see affair written all over both of them. O a chance to see if we missed a chance.

 

So now the friend leaves, her actions have made me tell her to leave me be.

I knew something happened.

 

a few days later, sad, lonely frustrated...i just happen to turn on one of my email accts to see her sent me a note. We talked for a while about a bunch of stuff and she said she wants to make this work and we have to talk . She comes over and admits to the affair with her GF. Ok, 2nd big ego blow, first i lose to someone she doesnt even know, now she is playing with another women. I told her straight up, they all need to go away, be blocked computer clean etc etc. Ill give this a chance, but you have to come clean...including admitting to contining to talk to the other guy all summer behind my back. NOPE.

Well of course that comes out later.

 

So the recovery has been 2 years of half filled truths, leaving things out and picking at the scab of the affair with similar actions and stupid reminders.

 

We have broke up a million times, we have sat in councling and of course im dealing with someone that in her past has been abused in most every way.

so of course the becomes the excuse. FIne ..lets stand here and deal with it...

 

From a ego stand point ..yeah ...make me feel like the king for what you did. Prove your love. Never happened,

Went into the first councliing session and told my side of the story...o gee how shocked to find out my side of the story is much more detailed to what really happened.

 

By now im questioning myself...what a loser i must be that she thinks she can do this to me. But gee have faith, its her past and she seems willing in words to fix it ...but actions show true love and i just finally had enough and she packed again yesterday and i have to build up some strong walls.

My problem is figureing out why i cannot walk away ..why does this hurt so much.. My divorce did not cause me this much pain, from the mother of my children. I have walked away from other relationships for far less reason without a blink of a eye. This one is tearing me apart in dealing with i can not have someone that has twisted the story to be all my fault and of no control of her own.

 

the counslor suggests...let her live her life..she has to find a new job. So i suppport the surgery of her arm, then a hysterectomy and its recovery. I support her in her new career search which is going no where.

You can fill out all the apps you want, but if you dont follow up and network, finding a job today is tough. Its a job. But I did as suggested and gave my advice and let her deal with it. Well the work comp ran out, she has no job and im the bad guy for lovely suggesting she try some different ways of finding work. O yeah that went over well.

 

now in her defense, though all the hurt, i have said hurtful but truthful things to her. Of course silly me to lay in bed with her as we are trying to respark our relationship adn just ask her truthfully...are you sure what side of the fence you are on sexually. well of course she is sure.

 

Back to my ego, well dont you think you might want to make sure that is crystal clear to me.

 

IN the end, I took away her online bf's, her former best friend who she slept with and its all my fault...why do i say that ...because when i told her to pick the fake pastoer from AZ or me the real life guy that wants to stand next to you ...she walked out the door.

 

Thanks for the vent, im not expecting answer other then ...your a idiot...you missed the signs. Maybe someone will read this and see their own signs.