ThatJustHappened Posted September 5, 2012 Share Posted September 5, 2012 I posted this in another section but didn't get any answers..maybe I put it in the wrong place. Can the silent treatment be considered abuse if it's being used to psychologically torture someone who has severe abandonment issues (which the silent treatment giver is aware of)? I can't take it anymore. I feel like I'm going crazy. I am anxious and terrified and I can't stop crying. Link to post Share on other sites
Mint Sauce Posted September 5, 2012 Share Posted September 5, 2012 This is really something to discuss with your therapist... I don't think it can be considered as such. Link to post Share on other sites
Treasa Posted September 5, 2012 Share Posted September 5, 2012 As someone who had the same issues...no, I don't think it can be considered abuse. From reading your previous posts, you pushed and pushed him, and he probably got sick of it. Not to mention the fact that you two just seem incompatible. He almost cheated on you, you two aren't even "together" but he's allowed to sleep with other women, you constantly count how many condoms he keeps by his bed... You're really only hurting yourself. I say get away from him and work on your issues with someone. It took me a long time to get over the abandonment thing, and it's still not completely gone, but now I don't get anxious if I think about my boyfriend breaking up with me. If he does, fine, I'll get over it. I'm really happy with myself now, and I'm truthfully all I really need. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ThatJustHappened Posted September 5, 2012 Author Share Posted September 5, 2012 The Silent Treatment - A severe form of abuse Why do people do this? Link to post Share on other sites
Author ThatJustHappened Posted September 5, 2012 Author Share Posted September 5, 2012 As someone who had the same issues...no, I don't think it can be considered abuse. From reading your previous posts, you pushed and pushed him, and he probably got sick of it. Not to mention the fact that you two just seem incompatible. He almost cheated on you, you two aren't even "together" but he's allowed to sleep with other women, you constantly count how many condoms he keeps by his bed... You're really only hurting yourself. I say get away from him and work on your issues with someone. It took me a long time to get over the abandonment thing, and it's still not completely gone, but now I don't get anxious if I think about my boyfriend breaking up with me. If he does, fine, I'll get over it. I'm really happy with myself now, and I'm truthfully all I really need. I am seeing a therapist. I haven't been pushing him at all lately. We'd been doing great..hanging out all the time, planning a vacation together..and this was all him initiating. I didn't start pushing him until he started giving me the silent treatment. I don't constantly count the condoms, and he wasn't around when I did it. Link to post Share on other sites
KatZee Posted September 5, 2012 Share Posted September 5, 2012 Yes. It's a form of emotional abuse. It's a way for the abuser to gain the upper hand and control the situation. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
flitzanu Posted September 5, 2012 Share Posted September 5, 2012 that's presuming someone has some legal or "God commanded" obligation to be forced to speak to you wouldn't it? two people have have no obligation to speak to one another. human nature and human rights tend to infer that you're allowed to not talk to someone. i'm no therapist (thank gawd for some people) but just because you WANT someone to talk to you and they aren't talking to you...doesn't sound like abuse, it sounds like they just dont' want to talk to you. Link to post Share on other sites
KatZee Posted September 5, 2012 Share Posted September 5, 2012 that's presuming someone has some legal or "God commanded" obligation to be forced to speak to you wouldn't it? two people have have no obligation to speak to one another. human nature and human rights tend to infer that you're allowed to not talk to someone. i'm no therapist (thank gawd for some people) but just because you WANT someone to talk to you and they aren't talking to you...doesn't sound like abuse, it sounds like they just dont' want to talk to you. There's a vast difference between not wanting to talk, and using the "silent treatment" as punishment. It is a form of abuse when the person who is doing the ignoring is doing it to modify behavior. My ex used to do this to me. If I made him angry, or annoyed him in a certain situation, he wouldn't tell me. He'd have a perfectly happy face on, we'd go home and I wouldn't hear from him for the next two days. Absolutely no explanation given. It was only after I continued to reach out to be like "WHAT'S UP?" where he would go OFF. And criticize me up and down. And tell me my behavior was "unacceptable" and that things "had to change or else." When I'd try and actually have a civilized conversation and communicate problems, he'd again shut down. No responses given. He'd ignore texts/calls. There are always two parties involved in arguments, but he would put all the blame on me, and if I tried to be like, "can't you see things from my POV, can't you see how you contributed?" No. He'd go into hiding for the next day and a half. He'd have me on the edge of my seat. Anxious. Nervous. Paranoid. And what he did worked. I found myself modifying my behavior, watching what I'd say, because I knew if I said the wrong thing/did the wrong thing, it would lead to another "silent treatment." The "silent treatment" is essentially one person using the love of the other against them. You don't just blatantly ignore people you claim to love. You don't disregard what they're saying, refuse to acknowledge them, just because you "don't feel like talking" and act like that's OK. It's not. It's called decency and respect. And it goes both ways. It's normal to be like "You know what, I'm really angry right now, I need a time out." That kind of avoidance is fine. It gives both people time to calm down, think rationally. But when one just doesn't acknowledge anything, drops off the radar for days, and then comes back like nothing ever happened, there's a problem. Link to post Share on other sites
flitzanu Posted September 5, 2012 Share Posted September 5, 2012 There's a vast difference between not wanting to talk, and using the "silent treatment" as punishment. It is a form of abuse when the person who is doing the ignoring is doing it to modify behavior. My ex used to do this to me. If I made him angry, or annoyed him in a certain situation, he wouldn't tell me. He'd have a perfectly happy face on, we'd go home and I wouldn't hear from him for the next two days. Absolutely no explanation given. It was only after I continued to reach out to be like "WHAT'S UP?" where he would go OFF. And criticize me up and down. And tell me my behavior was "unacceptable" and that things "had to change or else." When I'd try and actually have a civilized conversation and communicate problems, he'd again shut down. No responses given. He'd ignore texts/calls. There are always two parties involved in arguments, but he would put all the blame on me, and if I tried to be like, "can't you see things from my POV, can't you see how you contributed?" No. He'd go into hiding for the next day and a half. He'd have me on the edge of my seat. Anxious. Nervous. Paranoid. And what he did worked. I found myself modifying my behavior, watching what I'd say, because I knew if I said the wrong thing/did the wrong thing, it would lead to another "silent treatment." The "silent treatment" is essentially one person using the love of the other against them. You don't just blatantly ignore people you claim to love. You don't disregard what they're saying, refuse to acknowledge them, just because you "don't feel like talking" and act like that's OK. It's not. It's called decency and respect. And it goes both ways. It's normal to be like "You know what, I'm really angry right now, I need a time out." That kind of avoidance is fine. It gives both people time to calm down, think rationally. But when one just doesn't acknowledge anything, drops off the radar for days, and then comes back like nothing ever happened, there's a problem. he just sounds like a prick. i do wish the world was full of decency and respect though, as you said. Link to post Share on other sites
CptSaveAho Posted September 5, 2012 Share Posted September 5, 2012 (edited) Here's the problem that you aren't seeing. Her ex has GIGS.... the relationship is OVER. She doesnt understand this. ABUSE is abuse because the person ALLOWS themselves to be abused. Ive posted the GIGS thing in 2 other threads of hers. She needs to learn to STOP LOOKING FOR THE CLOWN A man found himself in the middle of a long hallway. In the middle of this long hallway was a solitary door. He walked up to the door and knocked on it. It was answered by a clown who proceeded to beat the life out of him. The next day, the gentleman was in the hallway once more, and once more found his way to the door and knocked on it. Again, it was answered by the same clown and again, the clown beat him senseless. This occurred for 4 more days - the man would be in the hallway, go to the door, knock on it, and the clown would answer the door only to beat him senseless once more. On the 7th day, the man was once again in the hallway. He walked up to the door and knocked on it - but no one answered. So, he went looking for the clown. She has continued to chase the clown for 10+ months after the breakup and continues to blame him for how she is treated. Contrary to what others keep painting her ex black, she needs to look in the mirror and start taking responsibility and realizing this is her fault. Therapy or posting on a webforum isnt going to make her ex treat her better. Hes an EX. Its her responsibility to move forward and accept this breakup Edited September 5, 2012 by CptSaveAho Link to post Share on other sites
Author ThatJustHappened Posted September 5, 2012 Author Share Posted September 5, 2012 He started talking to me a few hours ago and I dumped him. NOW I feel better. Link to post Share on other sites
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