long term relationship is ending badly

[biogirl05]

We've been together 4 1/2 years. Now he wants to move away for a job and he says he doesn't want me to go with him. At first, I said I'd stay with him until he left because I thought we were just breaking up because of the distance, but gradually I realized it was something different. Well, I always sensed it was something else but a few weeks ago I made him tell me the real reason, and it's because he thinks we won't work out in the future. I should have broken up with him then but I didn't. Now things are starting to get really out of control. We wanted to transition to a friendship but after a lot of fights we are now just angry at each other. Of course, after the last fight all I wanted was to hold him again. I can't bear for him to be angry at me. He's not just my boyfriend, he is the person I am closest to in the world right now, I have maybe one other reliable friend who lives in another state. Today I talked to her for about an hour and it really helped then, but now I'm back down again. I want things with my boyfriend to be back the way they were, except I wish he was happy here.

 

It really hurts to know that he is angry at me and that he doesn't want a future relationship. For a while I thought he was the one because we were so happy and everything seemed perfect. It hurts knowing that he's not coming over to tell me that everything is ok, and also knowing that I will be very alone over the next...who knows how long. Not just as in single, but as in no evening or weekend plans.

 

I have one week before he leaves and I don't know what I want it to be like. Well, I want us to get back to a friendly place so that he actually speaks to me in a friendly tone again. The past few days whenever he's spoken to me he's been very angry, talks to me like he doesn't like me at all.

 

Honestly I'm looking forward to him going, just so we won't be in limbo anymore and there'll be less chance of one of us saying something that angers the other. I'm tired of him forgetting our plans, of not making me a high priority in his life, of throwing a prettier woman in my face who he's always insisted was just a friend. I don't think he would cheat on me but how he told me I should be like her was wrong in every way. And today he invited me out with his friends to the bar that she works at, and we didn't even sit at a table far away, but right at the bar where she was constantly there and talking to us, and making veiled remarks about me.

 

How can he think that that was anything but totally wrong?? So I left and accused him of putting me in an upsetting situation on purpose which he totally denied, yelled at me and stalked back into the bar.

 

How could it not have been on purpose? He said that he thought I just wouldn't come when he told me where they were going, but at the time that he told me he said he wanted me there.

 

Isn't this a contradiction? He's used her to get to me before, but maybe he's not consciously trying to hurt me. But his subconscious definately hates me, I think.

 

I feel like I don't even know who he is anymore, he would never do anything like this before. Well okay, maybe, since he did have a habit of making upsetting remarks to get me riled up and then when I got angry and told him to stop he would insist that it was all just a joke to lighten the mood and he would often tell me that I had no sense of humor. Even though the remarks he made were about killing cats or something anti-feminist. I know he has sort of a dark sense of humor and sometimes it is funny, but there were topics that were off limits and I felt like he should have stopped when he saw I was getting upset but he would just keep going, even if I tried to leave the room or leave the house sometimes he would hold me so that I couldn't leave. Like the time I was telling him about how awful my ex-boyfriend was, he said, " I want to be worse than your ex-boyfriend!" and I was horrified. We had been holding hands but I moved away from him and thought about just getting in my car and driving away, but he circled his arms around me and held me there and wouldn't let go of me until he knew I wouldn't leave.

 

 

That sounds really horrible now that I've seen it written down. But we had a lot of really great times too. But I know I have a problem. Even when I was angry at him today about the girl at the bar, I apologized. Pretty quickly because I hate hate hate having him angry at me. It's just that I hate rejection. For me, anger at me is the worst case scenario. If he had beat me I think it would be easier to leave because that is obviously wrong. This feels like something is wrong with me, like I should have been able to handle it but I'm not good at hiding my emotions EVER, much less in the last week of a very long relationship .

 

I've just been going on and on. I don't know if anyone will even be able to make sense of this enough to reply but I could use some support.

[MooBear]

Him moving away is going to be really good for you. It doesn't really feel like that now, but it will.

He's being unnecessarily cruel - I don't believe for one second that the girl at the bar wasn't on purpose. He's trying to hurt you but God knows why - you're not the dumper!

You're going to miss him and have weak moments where you want him but honestly, you don't deserve to be treated like that. Your life is about to change for the better!!!!

[biogirl05]

Maybe. I've always felt like my life was better with him in it. All I want is to have him back on my side. Last night was horrible and he didn't say a word to me. I just want him to call and say everything will be fine, but I don't think that will happen this time. I shouldn't have even gone over there yesterday, if I didn't then we'd still be talking at least. I knew it was a bad idea, but he said he wanted me there and I thought maybe I wouldn't even see her.

 

But she was, and he called her "love" and I just couldn't deal with it.

[Ruby65]

But she was, and he called her "love" and I just couldn't deal with it.

 

 

That must have been SO painful! That would've killed me, too.

 

But this is why friends with an ex is never a good idea if there's still any feelings involved -- and obviously in your case there's nothing but feelings because you haven't even had a chance to start getting over them yet!

 

My advice, starting this moment -- go NC right now.

 

Don't give him one more opportunity to hurt you. He's not treating you with dignity or respect, it's time to remove yourself from this relationship.

 

There's nothing he can say or do at this point that's going to make the breakup any easier. Closure comes from YOU, not him.

 

Let him face not having you in his life, starting now. Hold your head high and walk away.

 

Looking back, no one ever regrets having left with dignity.

 

You're going to be FINE.

[biogirl05]

we haven't officially broken up yet. I don't know if I want to go NC, all I want is to say something that will erase yesterday and just have a good time with him one last time before he leaves, and to hold him, tell him i love him, and just forget this is all happening.

[biogirl05]

he just left, and we broke up. I just want to drive to where he is and latch on and never let go. I feel like a part of me has been ripped away and I'll never be the same again. I just want to call him and beg him to see me again and not to leave the country or take me with him!

[StellaA]

It's tough! stay strong, it feels like **** right now BUT it will get better and you will look back and know why you stayed strong and did not chase him. You will be in a happier place and look back and think, what was I thinking?

[biogirl05]

thank you. I'm not chasing him because i don't want to make it harder on him, I know he's hurt too but he can't show it. The other reason is that he has made this choice. I probably would have stayed with him forever but he has made the choice to end our relationship and if he's made that choice I could never make it work between us.

 

But it still hurts like $@!!. And I am weak and I still want to be with him. right now, you know? Plus he was my support system. Now who will support me when it's him that's hurting me?

 

I really feel like I need to text him, because if I had ever felt like this before he would tell me that everything is alright.

[jmjacobs31]

This guy sounds a lot like my ex. During our break up while I was looking for my own apartment my ex would say and do things to purposely hurt me like telling me he was going to stay out all night or telling me who he was going to go out with to make me jealous. The first time I stood up for my self and told him I wanted NC he got mad and then sent me a nasty text to in the future to remember i was the one who wanted the "no communication" route (he was the one who ended things). The second time I stood up for myself and told him (not asked) that he owed me money he got mad at called me a bitch. I still feel like you do and I love him so much. I wish that things could go back to the way they once were but I know they can't, there is no way. Its so hard because I also hate it when hes mad at me, and hes currently mad at me for standing up for myself. typically when hes been mad at me I apologize and do what ever I can to make things right but not any more. Girls like us need to stand up for ourselves! He invited you to that bar on purpose just to hurt you. We dont need men like that in our lives. Your boyfriend is suppose to love you, not hurt you. Once you start to stand up for yourself he wont know what hit him. You be the one to issue NC, dont let him do it first.

[StellaA]

It is tough as prev he was the one you went to when things were tough or you were upset and he would make it better! NOw he is the one who is hurting you and you can't go to anyone. I know how you feel, I still love my ex and I always think if he was here now and gave me a hug it would make it all better but that would be a short term fix! You will feel lonely, I still do but Im hoping all this pain will be worth something good in the long run!

[biogirl05]

thanks for your support. @jm That sounds exactly like me, and I have to remember the things he did wrong that hurt me and that I don't have to stand for it.

 

It's just after that I remember the good times and I can't even process not being with him.

[jmjacobs31]

I did/do the same thing. Of course its easy to remember the good things. I moved away from all my family and friends to a different state with him 7 years ago. So now that hes gone and I lost all of his friends I am left with just 3 good girlfriends. Its hard because even though he was a crappy boyfriend he has been the one constant in my life. What I did, with the help of my gal pals, is we made a list of all the crappy stuff he has done to me over the years. I also added in some petty stuff that I didnt like about him that I would like if I dated someone else like that he picked up smoking and chews his nails. Any time I am sad I pull out my list (which is at 170 things) and I read it. It helps me remember that even though I was not the one to end things, it was for the best.

[biogirl05]

thanks, maybe i should make a list. my ex also started smoking, and chewing tobacco. : ( never wanted to kiss him after that