She broke up with me because shes gay...

[Madcapsule]

She wants to stay friends, and so do I. Part of me wants to support her, because as much as I'm hurting right now, this is a massive part of her life, and she needs friends around her. But then the other part of me is struggling to accept that the first meaningful relationship in my life was a total lie. I've been lied to and cut off, by someone who claims they want to be my friend. I'm just really struggling right now, I keep breaking down, and I know people go through break ups all the time, but nothing prepared me for these circumstances. I don't know how to act around someone I still care so much about.

Edited May 27, 2012 by Madcapsule

[d'Arthez]

It is weird to end a relationship like this.

Did she know beforehand that she was more attracted to women than men? I doubt it. Human sexuality is a complicated thing. You sometimes see people switch teams after their first intimate relationship. That does not mean that you are a failure, that what you had is not real.

 

Rather, it means that you have given her something very valuable: the confidence and the willingness to admit to herself that she needs to explore her sexuality, with another girl.

 

She has not changed as a person. She is still the same girl with whom you had a relationship. She is still the person with the same interests, desires, sense of humour etc.. She does not hate you, she probably loves you a lot, except for *that* way.

 

If you can support her, I am sure she would appreciate it. But I know it is extremely hard, and if you find it difficult to come to terms with that, tell her honestly why you find that so difficult. And keep out of each other's way for most part. Even if you can't be around each other as much as you'd like, it probably would do her a lot of good to simply know you can be there for her as a friend.

 

Don't see yourself as a failure. Because you are not. You are giving her the freedom to become herself, and that is one of the greatest gifts any man or woman can give.

[Madcapsule]

Sorry, I did write a lot more, but I felt it was probably too indepth and personal, and I'd hate for anyone she knows to find out before she has time to say herself.

 

She never let on that she was a lesbian. She explained that she had always felt that way though, and had tried to supress the feelings. She was quite religious before I met her, and even now she thinks its unnatural. She had quite a few boyfriends before me, who were all dicks apparently, and she never felt anything for them. When she was with me, even though she says I was lovely, the feelings never changed.

 

I don't know if its worse knowing theres nothing I could have done to prevent the relationship from ending, or that for 9 months shes felt nothing for me.

[d'Arthez]

I don't know if its worse knowing theres nothing I could have done to prevent the relationship from ending, or that for 9 months shes felt nothing for me.

If she is from a religious background, then of course she struggled with her feelings. The guys before you were dicks according to her description. So she probably held on to the hope that if she met a decent guy, that that would "cure" her. That did not happen, so she has come to the realization that she cannot overcome her natural desire and attraction for women.

 

Sexually speaking she may have felt nothing for you, but that does not mean she does not love you for the human being you are. Because she does. The essential point still remains, that you have given her the freedom to come to terms with herself, as a woman who is attracted to women.

 

I would not consider that a wasted 9 months. I would call that giving someone a shot at 50+ years of happiness. Which is an amazing gift, and one she will probably cherish forever.

[Madcapsule]

 

I would not consider that a wasted 9 months. I would call that giving someone a shot at 50+ years of happiness. Which is an amazing gift, and one she will probably cherish forever.

 

I hope so...

 

But for me, it just seems harder to get over than your average break-up. I had enough self confidence issues before I met her, add on top of that the trust problems I'm going to have.

[d'Arthez]

I hope so...

 

But for me, it just seems harder to get over than your average break-up. I had enough self confidence issues before I met her, add on top of that the trust problems I'm going to have.

Though the relationship ended, don't see it as a failed relationship, but as a successful relationship. You gave your whole being to this woman, and though she cannot reciprocate, you have given her her own freedom.

 

You loved her as well as you could. Don't beat yourself up; you may struggle in the confidence department, but look at how much confidence you have given this woman. Life has a funny way to repay you for that.

 

What happened here is quite rare. Chances for that to happen a second time are extremely small. You'll turn out fine .

[Madcapsule]

Yeah, it all sounds very good for her... Haha!

 

Thanks though, I haven't really had anyone to talk things through with. My two best mates are of frolicking about in Ibiza, and everyone else is connected to her some how, and that wouldn't be fair.

[d'Arthez]

If you keep the friendship with her up, think of the effect it has on her female network, that you have an excellent reputation through her .

[Radu]

If you keep the friendship with her up' date=' think of the effect it has on her female network, that you have an excellent reputation through her .[/quote']

 

 

This, though you need to set clear boundaries.

 

You can forgive she blindsided you this way if she is remorsefull, but you can never forget it.

[Sophie99]

I feel I ought to reply to this one because I really can relate.

 

My first meaningful relationship broke off about 4 months ago, because he is gay.

 

I think, she probably did not know for the vast majority of the time that you were together that she was gay, and now she knows she is, it does not mean that she never had loved you and what you had was a lie.

 

You hear of people being married for years and then switching sexuality, its probably too complicated for you or I who haven't been through it to understand.

 

Now, with my ex, he insists he wants to be friends, but pushed me away regally, which sounds a bit like your ex too.

Although its tough to realise (I know), its likely because she has so much on her mind regarding herself right now that she's probably not thinking too much about your feelings (don't mean to sound harsh, its really natural and likely not personal).

[Madcapsule]

 

Now, with my ex, he insists he wants to be friends, but pushed me away regally, which sounds a bit like your ex too.

Although its tough to realise (I know), its likely because she has so much on her mind regarding herself right now that she's probably not thinking too much about your feelings (don't mean to sound harsh, its really natural and likely not personal).

 

Thanks for sharing your experience. When she finally got round to meeting me, I could see she was nervous. I tried to make her feel more comfortable, by talking like we used to. So when she started talking about her feelings, and it all came out, about how a week after breaking up with me she'd met someone online, had visited her days later, and now thinks shes in love with her. I wanted to go round and support her but, I didn't know how to react to that. I guess thats what you mean by not thinking about my feelings...

 

I'm happy for her, in that she can be true to herself, but at the same time, I don't want to hear about people shes seeing, male or female. If thats what being a friend is, I don't know if I can do it.

[jennisfora]

for your own well being i would tell her you need some time to yourself to heal and get over the feelings you still have for her, she should understand, and will respect your request, and when you feel like you can handle it, then you can be her friend. right now, it is like salt in the wound. it isnt fair to you, and it is going to make healing harder.

 

she will be okay without your friendship for a while, and when you are ready, you will be a better friend to her. *hugs*

[Madcapsule]

for your own well being i would tell her you need some time to yourself to heal and get over the feelings you still have for her, she should understand, and will respect your request, and when you feel like you can handle it, then you can be her friend. right now, it is like salt in the wound. it isnt fair to you, and it is going to make healing harder.

 

she will be okay without your friendship for a while, and when you are ready, you will be a better friend to her. *hugs*

 

*hugs*

 

I do need time. The problem is, when she first broke up with me, it was heartbreaking, but I was coming to terms with it. For her then to tell me weeks after the real reason, it feels like I'm going through all that again.

 

Another thing I should add, is I'm still living with my parents, mainly down to money (and I've got it pretty comfy here) but also because I wouldn't want to live by myself. With her, I saw that changing, obviously not anymore. But a situation has risen, where some friends of mine want me to move away with them, in a months time. Its not that far away, but far enough that I wouldn't really come back that often.

 

Its a great oppurtunity, a fresh start, and perfect timing, but I'm not sure if I go I'm going for the right reasons. Should I go, knowing I'm pretty much completely letting her go?