My Story - Just looking for some support

[tipsyleprachauns]

I don't even know where to start with this. I guess I just have to pour things out. I'm not in a good place right now.

 

Dated a girl for 1 year 8 months. She made me feel like nothing before. We had a lot of issues to overcome - her housemates and coursemates all hated me and made it known.

She was a medical student so involved with a very cliquey bunch, and they didn't like that I wasn't one, or that she spent more time with me and less with them.

There were a number of medical boys who would openly try and pull her in front of me, just to wind me up, and because she's younger she was quite nieve to that in the beginning.

 

But we always got through it, we got through everything. We both had similar experiences growing up, dads leaving when we were 4, and we knew each other and understood each other better than anyone either of us had known before.

Before that I never would have entertained the idea of a serious future with a woman, but with this one we had both spoken of marriage, kids, and living together - albeit many years down the line.

 

Things got incredible after she moved out from living with her old housemates. She's very independant and me being on a new job made me less available which always seemed to work in my favour.

She was all over me and I was all over her and it was bliss. I was always very romantic and there was so much chemistry and spark between us it was incredible. We were a very tactile couple. Our sex life was great.

 

In september last year, after a blissful summer, she started suffering with anxiety - panic attacks, sense of dread, nervous breakdowns etc. I spoke to her about it at the time but she got really upset saying she wasn't crazy.

Her family has a history of depression so it scared her to open to things like that.

 

From this point onwards, her defence mechanisms kicked in and the wall started going back up. She backed off and pulled away, started pushing me away a lot but not really realising it.

We had a couple of big arguments and spent some time apart whilst she was away on placement, and although she professed to forgive me for my role in the aguments, she held them over my head for a very long time. Never quite giving it her all.

She also always refused to acknowledge that her behavior was becoming increasingly selfish and fickle, and that her way of dealing with upsetting me was to be rebellious and upset me further. She would do things knowing they would really hurt me and put things in front of me that someone in a loving relationship really shouldn't.

 

To top it off at the same time she went through a very intense and very sudden change to christianity, pretty much overnight. Which meant she flat out stopped having sex with me. Which didn't help my insecurity with her behavior at the time.

 

Que the break up, in early december. She was about to go home for the holidays and decided she wouldn't be able to see me before christmas as she needed to spend time with her family. Which was fine, however she then turned round and said actually, I'm not going home, I'm going out on the piss in liverpool with medics and you can't come.

It hurt me a lot that her family who she loves wouldn't stop her from going on the piss, but would stop her from seeing me one last time before christmas and I told her so.

That triggered the break up.

 

Since then it's been 2 months of me breaking every rule in the book. Starting with begging and pleading. We eventually got back together but it lasted for all of 2 days.

Followed by a bit of false hope, her leading me on a bit more whilst she was away on placement and feeling lonely.

She then moved back to the city we both live in 2 weeks ago and that was it, put her foot down. What did I do? Exactly what I shouldn't have, I pestered for answers, explanations and made myself look like a stalker.

 

The reasons she has given me are varied and ever changing, and her actions have often contradicted her words. In order of when they've originally come at me, although they've often been swapped, changed and repeated.

 

-We weren't right for each other

-Needs space

-She wanted to be alone

-She loves me but doesn't want to be with me

-She doesn't want to lose me but doesn't want to be with me

-She hates me

-I was an amazing boyfriend but She doesn't believe I wouldn't go back to the negative and needy behavior that was a reaction to her pushing me away for three months

-She doesn't know why she doesn't want to be with me

-She just wants to be single and act young.

-She just doesn't.

 

Most recently, I saw her last weekend and she said said she doesn't want to be with me, but spend a long time crying and cuddling up to me on the sofa. Said I'd be the first boy she'd ever go back to and that I was a great boyfriend but she just couldn't trust me.

We spoke and she admitted that her issues with trust come not from my behavior but her own deep seated trust and anxiety issues and insecurity from having been treated badly by boys in the past and by her father walking out.

She's going to the doctor and speaking to the pastor at our church (yes I go also but don't share the views on sex before marriage) about this and I'm so proud of her, but she says it makes no difference to us.

 

She did say that overwhelmingly the main reason she couldn't be with me was that she didn't believe I wouldn't go back to how I was during that three months. She could see cause and effect for my behavior but didn't genuinely acknowlege her own part in our breakdown.

She did say that she wanted to spend some time apart and wasn't over me.

 

Fastforward a week, she says she want's to be friends with me. She says I was getting a bit stalker ish trying to get an explanation. She still want's to be friends with me. But she want's me to find someone.

I found out that's because she's now already dating another guy - incompatible, bit of a lad, not a christian, a medic (she said she never wanted to date medics) and seems pretty much a clone of all her previous failed short term relationships.

 

My gut tells me she has feelings for me that she's avoiding. She's always been fickle. My gut tells me that this boy is acting as a distraction to her feelings, and that there are some elements of the grass being greener there, but that she isn't aware of that.

She says she's happier with out me and over me but just a week ago was acting like she wasn't.

 

I've now cut all contact in an attempt to heal. It hurts so badly because I know she's selfish, I know she strung me along to get her fix of me till she didn't need it anymore. I know she's painted me out to be the bad guy and everything is my fault.

I know I should hate her for what she's done to me. How she hurt me but I'm the one who's the bad guy. I never cheated, never hit her. Shouted in a few arguments which she said was an issue so have since had anger management and come to the conclusion it was stress, not anger. I need a productive outlet.

In all aspects of my life I am happier. I have not shut myself in a room. I have joined new groups, am doing things regularly 5 nights a week. Work keeps me reasonably busy. I have a good time.

All aside from the fact that I cannot get this girl out of my mind despite knowing deep down that she was not good for me and until she can face up to her own issues and address them, she never will be and I will never get an apology or acceptance of any guilt.

 

What's your take on it all - Loveshack?

I've made mistakes and as much as I wan't the girl back, I also want to forget her and get over her.

It seems like a case of emotional immaturity, mixed with a little bit of gigs, some religious complications and deep seated mental health issues.

 

I treated her great. I mean, really. I did. I was the boy she said every girl needed, a boy who knew her, understood her, and always wanted the best for her.

Apparently she doesn't feel like that now.

Edited February 14, 2012 by tipsyleprachauns

[tipsyleprachauns]

Anyone got any advice/opinions/pointers.

 

I'm trying to get the feeling back here that I'll be ok and it's not all my fault. Until recently id found some strength knowin I treated her well, been there done that, and that one day when someone breaks up with her, she'll realise what she had in me and regret it or hopefully at least apologise.

 

With the addition of a new guy already, I'm doubting that - and starting to lose confidence feeling perhaps I was wrong.

[chelsea2011]

Wow, just go NC so you can get some peace. She sounds emotionally messed up and you actually dodged a bullet. I understand how you feel, but not sure I have any answers for you except that you are right about her not accepting responsibility for her own actions. People who blow hot and cold create the responses they get out of people. It makes me wonder who the heck they think they are? Seriously, I think it's an attempt to make themselves feel better than they actually do on the inside.

 

So don't worry, you're not a stalker. She invoked this reaction in you by her actions. Until she "sees" that for herself, you're screwed. My advice is to just let her go because it's her journey to figure out, not yours. Invoke your power of choice and choose not to get suckd into her web of issues. Don't let her treat you in a way that goes against who you are as a person. That's for her to fix and maybe she will and maybe she won't, but you can rest easy knowing it had nothing to do with you.

 

There are a lot of other normal balanced people out there who will treat you with the respect you deserve. She will go on being who she is in all of her relationships until she *sees* and takes responsibility for her own actions. Don't let yourself think it was you because it's not. She won't be any different with the next person. I think many of us end up beating ourselves up thinking we did something wrong, when the reality is, we were just involved with people who have serious intimacy issues. Until we *see* them for who they are, we remain stuck in their push/pull cycle blaming ourselves. That is the only thing you need to realize for now. When you do, it will be much easier to let go and move on.

 

In my situation, he pulled out all the stops to get me back because I was finally letting go and ready to move on. I was a sucker and fell for it one last time. However, I laid it out for him going in, that I would not go back to being treated like I was before. I set a boundary and took it slow, giving him the benefit of the doubt, to see what happened. Sure enough, the same pattern began to emerge again and that was my signal to back off. There is no way I'm going to accept being treated like that again. And then I realized, there is nothing I can do to make him *see* how his actions make me feel or react the way I do. And he very well may think it's me because I put a wall up when I sense that he is blowing hot and cold all over again, but who wouldn't right? Until he *owns* his part in all of this (like I have in the past), things will continue to be the same between us. That's not what I want or need anymore, so it's time to back off. I am no longer a part of that equation. It's his journey to figure out and I can't be a supportive partner under these circumstances.

[tipsyleprachauns]

The really difficult mindset I find myself in now is that I both want her back and want to forget her at the same time. I want to forget her because she's caused me so much pain and yet blames most of this on me. Her apologies have been half hearted and meant little. Yet at the same time I can't help but hope If she gets the cognitive behavioural therapy she's after, she may see the error in her ways and come back with time.

 

Couple things I've realised I didn't make clear-

 

1: when she moved out from her old house she didn't move in with me, just with housemates who were much much nicer to me. But yes this did allow me a lot more attention and involvement in her life.

 

2: last time I saw her the week before the new boy shows up, she'd been saying she wasn't sure about meeting up as she didn't want to go back to being sad (her medical exams had just finished and shed been out partying a lot. Loads more than usual). When we did meet she said she wasn't over me but didn't love me anymore. But also did a lot of crying about how much I cared for her.

 

3: she said a lot of times since the short lived get together, things like I don't want to be with you and leave me alone. However when I asked any questions to help me drop it and move on we ended up in friendly conversation and she never pushed for what she 'wanted'

 

4: she has a lot of times gotten very hostile and angry on a number of times, particularly when I've been nice about things. And projected a lot of what she's done wrong on to me.

 

5: she said she is pretty much over me. Yet at the same time said she didn't want to talk to me as it would make her sad.

 

6: in the months leading up she had mentioned a few times about feeling lame for growing up, work getting heavier, and not going out much. Since the break up she's been partying hard and drinking a lot more again. Not alcoholic levels by any means but more than she did whilst we were together. Acting a bit like a fresher again.

 

7: the boy, as far as I can tell, is literally the first guy that has shown interest since the split. All I know for sure is they have been on a couple dates and kissed - she's now lay low with tonsillitis from it. Oh karma. Given her religion I don't think she'll sleep with him. I don't know him so don't know whether this will be an issue. Knowing her I think it more probably she may once or twice, and then get extremely guilty about it.

 

No contact should be easy from here on in as I know she doesn't want me to contact her and I know that I can gain nothing good from it. It doesn't really phase me right now. She has said she needs space and time but wants to be friends. Has said she wants me to meet someone (absolving the subconscious guilt of her rebound?)

 

2nd poster - do you mind me asking details of your man coming back? My friends mostly say she will come crawling bak eventually however with her stubborn personality I'm not so sure. I know I would never take her back for anything short of a full admission to her problems, evidence she would work on them, and very very very slowly. However I want to be prepared to deal with it in the best way for me if/when it happens. It seems unlikely it will if she thinks I'm a stalker. Was your ex over you and out of love before he allegedly realised his wrongs?

 

I'm doing surprisingly okay today. I've had a change of scenery that was nice and am keeping nice and active but my mind still strays to her and this boy, and I must admit she is on my mind still the second I wake up.

 

I know she's bad for me. I know that for all my mistakes, it's far from all my fault- but I can't seem to convince myself I'm eternally better off without. At least I don't want to contact her or know about her. Curiosity is better than knowledge in this situation.

[tipsyleprachauns]

Please don't think by my obvious upset at this past two months that I am entirely incapable of seeing what's staring my in the face. Whilst I entirely appreciate I have a long way to go with maturity, it has often been said to me that due to quite a tough upbringing and my extremely driven personality, I am mature beyond my years. Definitely some way to go yet.

 

I think my problem stems right now from that although the fact im concentrating on me (hugely increased friend circles, lost a stone and got a lot fitter, joined a mountain rescue team, taking church a lot more seriously, throwing myself into work, and never once shutting myself away in a room to hide) I am still trying to get my head round what's just happend, whereas I should be merely accepting it.

 

I have been stalking these boards for some time now and looking at my reaction to posts I've read before an how it has now changed, I can see ive come a long way.

 

I should certainly make clear this post is neither defensive nor accusatory. More, explanatory. You seem an incredibly wise person and please don't for one second think I don't appreciate every word you say and strive to follow.

 

I have some things I'd like to bring up/discuss, but will have a think and post properly later.

 

In the mean time, thank you. For taking the time to reply so thoroughly, so maturely, and so respectfully. I see a lot of people on these boards don't seem to appreciate the help they get. Support from strangers is one of the greatest things in the world.

[tipsyleprachauns]

Anyone else got any further input/viewpoints on this?

 

I'm in that place where I'm trying to accept and force myself to give up all hope/desire for reconcilliation - and realise she isn't right for me.

 

My conflict comes largely from my faith - in that I do actually believe that it's perfectly possible for two people (christians) to meet at a young age and stay together as I see it all around me. And that my religion tells me if it's meant to be it will be. It's out of my control as it were.

 

Physically, I'm focusing on me. Emotionally, I'm focusing all over the place depending on the current mood swing I'm in.

 

I am trying to convince myself this new interest of hers is a rebound- it makes it easier for me to deal with some of the things she did to me and the way she's behaved - although I know it should be none of my concern.