Intense update, 3 months after the breakup...

[Stupid Girl]

I don't know if any of you remember me because it's been a couple months since I've written, but my ex and I were engaged, together 5 years, and he suddenly broke up with me, almost out of the blue, citing a bunch of small, barely sensical reasons. I started trying to move on, and that's when he started trying to pull me back, just a bit, enough to give me false hope. Well, my situation has changed a lot since my last post. A LOT. I barely know where to begin.

 

The trend of me moving on, him trying to pull me back continued to such a degree that after we'd been broken up about 2 months, I was living a normal life again - probably more normal, and happy, then I had been during our relationship. And it seemed the happier I became, the more he wanted me back. It got to the point where he told me, point blank, that he had had his time to think, he realized he made a mistake, and wanted (no, NEEDED) me back in his life. And of course, this is when I had my own revelation that - wait for it - I didn't want him back. Tables turned or what? But I reasoned, why would I want to be with someone who would devastate me so deeply over something, 2 months later, he decided was just a "trial", something he was unsure of? I had also met a new guy around that time who I had found myself becoming interested in, although in a harmless way. So that helped me stand my ground.

 

Things dragged on this way for a few weeks, and my ex became more and more desperate. He basically begged for me back every day, crying over the phone, showing up at my house looking forlorn and pathetic. He found out I was talking to someone new around the middle of September, and didn't take it well, acted out very violently. I told him if he did that again I'd call the police. He said he understood.

 

Two weeks ago, I was up late talking to my new male friend. My bedroom window was open. I didn't think anything of it. I got into bed around 4am, and that's when I heard yelling outside my window. It was my ex's voice. He had been waiting outside my window for god knows how long, basically stalking me. I sat frozen in bed, then I heard banging on my kitchen door, and realized he had broken in. Long story short, he trashed my kitchen then made his way into the bedroom, where he proceeded to assault me. I don't want to go into much more detail than that. He ran away shortly after and I called the police. He was caught and arrested.

 

He's out on bail now, but has 10 criminal charges against him (he also assaulted one of the officers who arrested him), and I will need to testify in court. Thankfully they imposed a mandatory restraining order against him, so he can't be within 100m of my home/work/school, and he's also not allowed out after 6pm without his bailor. He hasn't had a job since February, and now he will have a criminal record, which will make it infinitely harder for him to get a job, or go anywhere in life.

 

I know he deserves to go to jail for what he did. If he did these things to some random on the street and I heard about it, I'd spit on him as I walked by. But the fact that it was me, somebody who I knew so well, who knew me so well, just makes it somehow different. Half of me hates him and hopes he spends a long time in jail. The other half of me feels terrible for ruining his life. I know I was the girl of his dreams, and he really wanted me back, and I can only imagine how devastated he was to find out I was talking to a new guy. But in my defence, he broke up with me. I was living my life. I didn't know he was going to have a change of heart like this.

 

Sorry this post is all over the place. I don't really know where I'm going with this. I'm just having a lot of difficulty dealing with the fact that because of me, somebody I considered the love of my life for 5 years is probably going to be imprisoned. Sigh.

Edited October 6, 2011 by Stupid Girl

[immitable]

cool update

 

best of luck to you!

[lonelynyc]

I don't know if any of you remember me because it's been a couple months since I've written, but my ex and I were engaged, together 5 years, and he suddenly broke up with me, almost out of the blue, citing a bunch of small, barely sensical reasons. I started trying to move on, and that's when he started trying to pull me back, just a bit, enough to give me false hope. Well, my situation has changed a lot since my last post. A LOT. I barely know where to begin.

 

The trend of me moving on, him trying to pull me back continued to such a degree that after we'd been broken up about 2 months, I was living a normal life again - probably more normal, and happy, then I had been during our relationship. And it seemed the happier I became, the more he wanted me back. It got to the point where he told me, point blank, that he had had his time to think, he realized he made a mistake, and wanted (no, NEEDED) me back in his life. And of course, this is when I had my own revelation that - wait for it - I didn't want him back. Tables turned or what? But I reasoned, why would I want to be with someone who would devastate me so deeply over something, 2 months later, he decided was just a "trial", something he was unsure of? I had also met a new guy around that time who I had found myself becoming interested in, although in a harmless way. So that helped me stand my ground.

 

Things dragged on this way for a few weeks, and my ex became more and more desperate. He basically begged for me back every day, crying over the phone, showing up at my house looking forlorn and pathetic. He found out I was talking to someone new around the middle of September, and didn't take it well, acted out very violently. I told him if he did that again I'd call the police. He said he understood.

 

Two weeks ago, I was up late talking to my new male friend. My bedroom window was open. I didn't think anything of it. I got into bed around 4am, and that's when I heard yelling outside my window. It was my ex's voice. He had been waiting outside my window for god knows how long, basically stalking me. I sat frozen in bed, then I heard banging on my kitchen door, and realized he had broken in. Long story short, he trashed my kitchen then made his way into the bedroom, where he proceeded to assault me. I don't want to go into much more detail than that. He ran away shortly after and I called the police. He was caught and arrested.

 

He's out on bail now, but has 10 criminal charges against him (he also assaulted one of the officers who arrested him), and I will need to testify in court. Thankfully they imposed a mandatory restraining order against him, so he can't be within 100m of my home/work/school, and he's also not allowed out after 6pm without his bailor. He hasn't had a job since February, and now he will have a criminal record, which will make it infinitely harder for him to get a job, or go anywhere in life.

 

I know he deserves to go to jail for what he did. If he did these things to some random on the street and I heard about it, I'd spit on him as I walked by. But the fact that it was me, somebody who I knew so well, who knew me so well, just makes it somehow different. Half of me hates him and hopes he spends a long time in jail. The other half of me feels terrible for ruining his life. I know I was the girl of his dreams, and he really wanted me back, and I can only imagine how devastated he was to find out I was talking to a new guy. But in my defence, he broke up with me. I was living my life. I didn't know he was going to have a change of heart like this.

 

Sorry this post is all over the place. I don't really know where I'm going with this. I'm just having a lot of difficulty dealing with the fact that because of me, somebody I considered the love of my life for 5 years is probably going to be imprisoned. Sigh.

 

You didn't ruin his life, he did it to himself. He's not the man you once loved, he is a proven rapist. There's a big difference between showing up unannounced at your house forlorn and weepy and being violent and dangerous. You could have been killed. He used sex as a weapon and he tried to ruin your life in the process so don't have any qualms sending him to the clink where they don't look upon his type too kindly.

[january2011]

I'm really sorry to hear about what happened to you. If you are not already doing this, I suggest that you speak to a therapist/counsellor to work through your thoughts and feelings. Identifying with your attacker and taking blame is unfortunately a common reaction to what you went through. But as lonelynyc wrote, you did not do this to him. His actions and behaviour were his choices. You did not make him do anything. It is not your fault.

[M2155]

You didn't send him there, he brought this on himself. He obviously doesn't know how to handle his feelings when he has no control and what a blessing at least to dodge that bullet.

 

If he end up having to do time, maybe he will learn from his errors and have time to figure out where he went crazy. If that makes him remorseful and better, you can think of it as you helped him in a way. I'm terribly sorry that happened to you and I really hope you are 10 times happier in your next relationship.