Feeling overwhelmed - i thought i was making progress...

[Leftie88]

Hi all,

 

This is my first post on this forum, and i really wanted to have objective opinions on what i'm dealing with right now.

 

We broke up in March after 2.5 years together. We met at university, on the same course etc The first year was close to perfect, we were strong, very happy and comfortable. We had discussed a future quite seriously etc but we were both aware that we are ambitious too but i was quite sure he was the one. The second year came after we graduated, and he moved away for his masters while i worked full time in London. The distance begun to take its toll i guess - however i made a lot of effort, i said i would come to visit him whenever he needed be it for one hour, or one day - i was completely prepared to accommodate his schedule and be there for him. However i noticed his contact with me diminished gradually perhaps the stress of his masters caused him to take out everything on me. I became gradually very isolated but in no way was i going to give up on us, I loved him and a mere distance of 2 hours was not going to allow me to give up. I persevered for a long time, trying to find solutions to make it work better, amidst petty fights. I still loved him so much and was not prepared to let go. Then came one night we had a huge argument, and it all seemed to unravel - i had asked him to skype at least once with me every 2 weeks and he didnt want to and so an argument ensued and the end of our relationship, last thing he said to me was to get lost (swearing). I couldnt tolerate the disrespect and so took it as we had broken up. We had no contact for 1 month - he had been uploading lovesick videos and statuses on fb but he never contacted me personally ever to say he missed me even though he did it on this public platform! After 1 month i decided i wanted to at least be civil, we spoke but realised we still loved each other so much but he couldnt be with me but i realised i was still not ready to give up. I felt his reasons of distance were pathetic and he had never made any attempts to try to fight for what we had before. But i accepted his request to not be in contact anymore because it was too hard for him. I found out a few weeks later, he had to have an operation and i contacted him to wish him well (and he seemed very like how we used to be) but i didnt think too much and didnt contact him again. In the meanwhile i've still cared for him so much, worried ..just everything but held back. After another 2 months, he msgs me on fb to say he is leaving the country for good (since he finished his masters and returning to his country for 5 months) and that i had left flip flops at his place so he wanted to post them to me. i was like.. erm random. but okay but when he told me he'd be leaving so soon a sudden bolt hit me thinking i needed to say goodbye properly perhaps get closure (not like how we broke up over the phone) so i proceeded to call him. He responded aggressively (with his slew of swearing), saying he didnt want to talk because he would become upset etc called me obsessed, and said if i contacted him again he would bar me? Seriously?!?! all i said was i wanted to say goodbye but he told me he no longer loved me and that he was with someone new (this was confirmed later on fb). Since i've cut all ties, have got rid of any memories of him.. but i cant come to terms with the fact he moved on after 2 months and all the aggression towards me, i really wanted to leave it civil, i did nothing to hurt him! Its the most gutting feeling, i thought i was making progress but knowing he has moved on so quickly has pushed me back so far., i just lost all confidence in love, because i still love him as much today as i did when we were together. I get nightmares, panic attacks, loss of appetite and just general emotional instability - why has the realisation of the break up only hit me just now. It made me realise maybe he never really loved me, perhaps just used me for his company while he was away from home, while i genuinely loved him so much. Now i can see i was just easy to replace. i know somewhere as twisted as it is.. i've been waiting for him to come back to me. and now i just need to move on... but i need to know how?!?

 

I'm so sorry for it being so long, but its my venting..most summarised i could be to get informed replies :/ Credit and big thanks to anyone who manages to read it and get back to me... i need help to overcome this. Thank youuu

[nikkinicole36]

Sounds like a classic commitment phobe. Your and my ex acted almost the exact same way. The reasonings for break up never makes any sense. The truth is they just want out and they used the first excuse they get. Maybe it was because he was finishing grad school and he knew he would be moving back home and just wanted to end that way. At this point all you can do is step back, respect his wishes and go no contact from here on out. I know it hurts like hell, but when guys are like that there is nothing you can do. I'm sorry you are going through the toughest breakup ever. If you can read this book: He's Scared, She's Scared by Steven Carter and Julia Sokol. It might give you a little bit more clarity on what's going on.

[TearyEyedPride]

There is no real magic answer to getting over a breakup. We all stumble towards Acceptance and the finality that it's over, but the process is day by day. Literally... just try your best to go on day by day.

 

Understand that it's going to hurt, you're going to cry, you're going to probably lose weight, and have nightmares. These are feelings you go through. You're going to miss him like crazy and literally have to fight yourself not to reach out to him. The thing is... He dumped you. He doesn't want you anymore, and he's moved on despite all that you could ever do to try to keep you two together. It hurts so bad, but accept it mentally. Feel it emotionally, and then strive to heal healthily. Friends, family, discipline and focus on yourself.

Edited June 24, 2011 by TearyEyedPride

[Leftie88]

Thanks guys! i'm really trying my best to accept it.. really trying. I think for me the toughest part was coming to terms with how his attitude has changed towards me (inevitable i guess) and the fact i couldn't say goodbye properly. i just wanted one last meeting..The nightmares are happening full force. So no hope of him coming back then...?

 

Question though.. if he's with someone new, then how can he be a commitment phobe? Thanks for the book recommendation!

[nikkinicole36]

Most commitment phobes don't have a problem getting into a relationship, it's the staying in a relationship that is the problem. A lot of the things you described really hit a lot of the points that was made in that book. I was literally going crazy the same way you were at the end, wondering how someone that seemed to love you so much was suddenly angry and bitter towards you. The level of anger and the blaming everything on you really sounded awfully familiar. Most of these guys jump from relationship to relationship and if you look back at they history there is a pattern and a number of angry ex's behind them.

[Leftie88]

Thank you, I really hope this book clarifies a lot of my confusion about his attitude towards me. Still i think the anger and bitterness is unfair since i was civil but i cant change whats happened now. I don't expect to ever hear from him again to even apologise for his behaviour considering he has a lot of ego. And you completely hit the nail on the head... there is a pattern of how he breaks up with girls, and its never been in person. Stupid of me to have expected any different really.