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Does this make sense to anyone but me?


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A friend told me this: If you were comfortable with yourself, happy with where you are, who you are, and your life in general, you wouldn't give two sh*ts what your ex thinks of you. Trust me.

 

Here are my thoughts on it.

 

I had a long conversation with my mom today and she helped me to see a lot of things and called my situation "the perfect storm" You see my ego has been taken a huge hit over the past 3 years. I was fired from a job I was at for 6 1/2 years due to a some false allegations that were not even true. This started it because did get a lot of self worth from my work. I was very successful there and it was really hard on me when they let me go.

 

Then my wife divorced me remarried 30 days later and took the kids and everything I had known for the past 10 years. All the sudden I was in the big house all by myself and my self esteem and ego took a big hit. I felt lost and alone. Then I got another really good job and became rookie of the year nationwide the first year with the company selling more than 2.2 million in dental equipment. 6 months later they call me up and tell me they don't need me anymore and lay me off. I found out that one of the dealers did not like me so they actually made an excuse to get rid of me at the corporate level. My boss was livid and all he could say was you got screwed and I'm sorry it's out of my control. I was again devastated. I could not believe what was happening to me. I was stressed out and trying again to find work.

 

Then I met my ex and a bunch of other young people. My life was in shambles but I was putting on a happy face and trying to keep it together. She made me happy. I felt special again. My ego was being nurtured after being beat up so badly. Then things started going bad with her and I tried to hold on because it was the only thing that gave me any happiness. Yes I was also suffering a lot but I couldn't let it go because I had done nothing to repair any other area of my life. I made the huge mistake of getting all my happiness from her.

 

Then I got another good job that I thought was going to be great and that is where I work now. Unfortunately, the companies product is not doing well. So everyday I work hard and do not get the results I need to feel good about what I am doing. We have not made our numbers once in 15 months. Everyday now I wake up wondering if they are going to keep the division open not knowing if I will have a job next month. On top of that the house is in foreclosure and I wrecked 5 cars last year.

 

So what I am starting to see is that I held onto her as painful as it was because it was the only thing bringing me any sense of happiness. I now see that was a huge mistake but I need to forgive myself and get myself back. I need to daily try to do things that will build up my self esteem, self worth and ego. Because right now they are at an all time low. I understand that she is really not that special and that she will only cause me more pain and continue to chip away at my ego. I just couldn't let go. She used me to feel better about herself and I used her for the same thing. If I would have had other friends I don't know it this would have happened but I don't. Not that live here. I have only been in this city 4 years and when I was married we did not meet many people then I met all the young ones but they are gone now.

 

This is a hard time for me because I don't feel like I have much motivation to help myself get better. I am depressed. I have to find a way.

 

I do have two jobs offers right now. I think I am going to take the one in Kansas City. It is a good job and is stable. It can be the first step in rebuilding my life. I might have an offer on the house and be able to stop the foreclosure..Idk. So these are positives. If I go to KC I can start making friends and join a gym and a bowling league. I am trying think of the positives.

 

I am still fighting being in the place I am at right now. And part of me wants to reach out to her to make me feel good like I always have. But I know that is a huge mistake. I am only wanting to do that to avoid dealing with my real problems. I need to face this and get through this. I want to get back to being happy by myself again and my life. I have been there. I did not even get married until I was 36. I had a great life. I just fell a long ways these past 3 years.

 

I don't know if any of this made sense at all. lol I have been traveling all day and just got home. I hope it did. Any thoughts would be appreciated.

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