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So close to reconciliation...or is she stringing me along?


Breaks and Breaking Up It happens to most everyone at some point in life! Share your experiences!

 
 
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Old 3rd April 2011, 7:52 PM   #1
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So close to reconciliation...or is she stringing me along?

The Ex's Birthday...is there a true guide on how to handle it?

short version: My girlfriend broke up with me in November. After a short NC period post-breakup, we stayed friendly (text buddies mostly, occasional phone calls) for almost 2 months...but I couldn't take being "friends" with someone I still loved, so I told her it was all or nothing for us. I went NC on good terms. After about 5 weeks strict NC, her birthday arrived in February, and I broke NC by mailing her a birthday card.

I promised I'd come back to tell my story, good or bad...so here we go.

*********************

I sent her a card with a simple message- "Happy Birthday, best wishes always". She texts me the day of her birthday, thanking me, being warm towards me, saying things like "you're still important to me", etc. We text for a little bit until she's ready to go out to dinner with her family, so I say goodbye, ready to continue the strict NC I've had for 5 weeks...and that lasts until she blows up my phone with texts later that night.

We text that night...and it continues every day after that. We get more comfortable with each other with every passing day. It's not the hot-and-cold "friendship" we had post-breakup anymore- I'm not dissecting every word of her texts, wondering if/when she'll blow me off...that "dumpee anxiety" is gone. All of our contact is warm, and it keeps getting warmer.

Eventually she gets comfortable enough to start calling me again. As the calls increase, we finally decide to have the "break-up talk". We discuss what went right in our relationship, what went wrong, just completely being honest about everything. There was nothing like cheating or her leaving me for someone else (we both have been single since the breakup) that I felt would be impossible to overcome. Just normal relationship issues. It felt so good to just air everything out, leave it in the past, and see if we could move forward together.

After the "break-up talk", we get more intimate. She starts talking in terms of "us", "our future", "when we’re back together", and we really ramp up the flirting/sexual talk. At this point, everything between us is almost exactly how it was when we were in a relationship and happy…except we haven't agreed to meet up yet.

She asks me to take it slow, because while she's "definitely ready to see me again physically", she wants to be 100% comfortable emotionally first. I ask her what she means, and she says: "I know exactly what is going to happen...after we get together, at the end of the night, I'm going to kiss you, fall into your arms and want to hold you forever...I just want to make sure I'm ready."

Now, I actually have seen her since then…she stopped by my house 5 days ago to pick up something important that only I could give her, and we had a nice, casual 5 minute chat. Later that night, she asked me to stop by her job today so we could talk/hang out for a little while during her break. I’m thinking we're making yet another small step towards full reconciliation…but this morning, I get a text asking me not to come by because "her district manager is in overseeing the store today". Some coincidence huh?

Now here I am...

*********************

Her birthday was Feb. 19th…today is April 3rd…everything seemed to be building towards getting back together, except I don't know when she'll be "emotionally ready" to see me again. I knew full reconciliation would take time, it’s not like I thought we'd get together after the 1st week of talking again…but 6 weeks now?

Anytime I even bring up seeing her, she pulls out the "when I'm emotionally ready" card, and never wants to stay on the subject for too long…because I should "trust her to let me know when she’s ready", in her words.

She's told me how much happier she is with me now… 3 days ago she told me "I love you…I truly am in love with you". She told me how miserable my NC made her…her exact words- "as soon as you gave me the opening on my birthday, I ran back to you"… and she doesn’t want to go back to NC ever again.

I feel like I’m walking such a fine line here…she asked me for "patience and understanding", so I don’t want to be overly pushy about getting together…but I don’t want to be strung along with false hope either. I've talked to her about this a few times, and each time she's promised that she would tell me when she’s ready….but I’ve also read about dumpers faking a future with dumpees to get what they want in the present…and it's been 6 weeks already. So I’m completely torn on where to go from here.

So I guess my question to LS is this…am I on the brink of reconciliation, or am I being strung along (for all the usual reasons that a dumper strings along a dumpee)? I don't want to ruin my potential chance of us getting back together by trying to force her into seeing me again before she’s ready, but it’s been 6 weeks, and I can't go on like this forever.
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Old 3rd April 2011, 9:40 PM   #2
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Glad things seem to be working out Skee, and it was good to go on your instinct about sending the card.

Well, this is a tough one, I would say give it more time before you jump to any conclusions. You at least know you are not friend-zoned, as the "I love you's" are coming out. And I have worked in restaurants and retail where we had district managers or corporate come visit which was very stressful- so it's possible her reason really was valid. Perhaps she was worried seeing you would make her emotional and her performance might be "off" for the big suits. You also have to keep in mind, she's the one that asked you for the meeting in a text last night. It would be one thing if you suggested it and she agreed then backed out. But since she initiated it, I think it's fair to say she had every intention of following through until she got wind from her managers this morning that managers were coming in.

I don't think she is stringing you along, next time you talk, see if she will initiate another meeting. If she doesn't, maybe go ahead and make a suggestion of your own.

Slow and steady wins the race Skee, keep that in mind.
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Old 3rd April 2011, 10:45 PM   #3
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I am truly sorry you are going through this pain. Trust me I am going through it too. You are handling it much better than me though. I get angry when I am in pain.

Mine is definitely stringing me along and I think he is doing it on purpose to really hurt me.

As for her, i dont know her so I really cant tell you if she is being real or not. It can depend on age. When I was young I used to throw out that I love you card and not even know what it meant and didnt realize that hurts people if you dont really mean it. Could she be seeing someone else? Has she ever lied to you? I would be inspector gadget and find out. I would show up at her restaurant anyways to see what it really going on.

This is your heart on the line here. Did you respond to her text already saying ok I will not show? You can always say you didnt see it. Hmmmm.
I know that is lying and that is not cool, but your heart needs to know. And if she truly loves you as she says, she wont mind seeing you.
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Old 3rd April 2011, 11:32 PM   #4
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Originally Posted by Country_Girl View Post
Glad things seem to be working out Skee, and it was good to go on your instinct about sending the card.

Well, this is a tough one, I would say give it more time before you jump to any conclusions. You at least know you are not friend-zoned, as the "I love you's" are coming out. And I have worked in restaurants and retail where we had district managers or corporate come visit which was very stressful- so it's possible her reason really was valid. Perhaps she was worried seeing you would make her emotional and her performance might be "off" for the big suits. You also have to keep in mind, she's the one that asked you for the meeting in a text last night. It would be one thing if you suggested it and she agreed then backed out. But since she initiated it, I think it's fair to say she had every intention of following through until she got wind from her managers this morning that managers were coming in.

I don't think she is stringing you along, next time you talk, see if she will initiate another meeting. If she doesn't, maybe go ahead and make a suggestion of your own.

Slow and steady wins the race Skee, keep that in mind.
thanks Country_Girl

I definitely don’t want to jump to any conclusions, but it’s tough right now because I feel like we’re at a standstill. I mean, I couldn’t be more happy with the progress we’ve made over the past 6 weeks, we’ve pretty much broken down every wall necessary for reconciliation, there’s nothing more we can do…the only thing left is for us to finally get together/see each other again. Maybe that’s why this step is so hard for her, because it’s the final step…she’s already predicted she’ll “end up in my arms” and we’ll be back together...that’s if she really means it.

As you can see by my story, there was constant progress throughout the past 6 weeks…now I just don’t want her to get too comfortable with the situation as is.

And you’re right, I was really excited to see her today because finally, she was the one who suggested it. She could’ve been telling the truth about her district manager, but I’m just so used to her pulling the “not being emotionally ready” card anytime I suggest any type of get together...that it’s hard not to wonder if she got cold feet, or if she just doesn’t want to see me. I talked to her on the phone after work and she promised me that wasn’t the case, but who knows.

I'm in a good spot, but I also feel like if I stay in this spot for too long, I could end up friend-zoned, or even worse, being used for her own emotional comfort. I’d love to ask her if I can come by on her break next Sunday, but if she did get cold feet, or if she doesn’t want to see me yet, just asking could make her uncomfortable, and possibly make me look pushy.

I've been so patient and made almost every right move up until this point, so I don't want to ruin it. But I also have to look out for my own feelings, and if 6 weeks turns into 8 weeks...then 10 weeks...it's like how long can you play the "not emotionally ready to see you" card before I have to wonder if she's stringing me along? I guess that's why I'm here.

Thank you for your advice.

Last edited by Skee; 3rd April 2011 at 11:34 PM..
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Old 3rd April 2011, 11:41 PM   #5
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This is my honest opinion (based on what I've been living these past months)

Be prepared to live like this forever, or until she introduces her boyfriend to you, you are clearly more than a friend but less than a boyfriend...

If she was that interested, she would have accepted you back next day, any woman here will tell you that when they really are into someone, nothing will stop them of being with that guy... in fact, they will be proactive in doing so...

In case you are doubting where I come from, let me tell you that my ex has been asking me for "patience and understanding" since at least 6 months ago...

You are better off not expecting anything...
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Old 3rd April 2011, 11:46 PM   #6
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I am a woman and yes when I want my man...no matter what ,,, I will be with him and work things through....

Not sure how men are though.... it seems men like to run and need time? Is that true?
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Old 4th April 2011, 12:19 AM   #7
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I can't speak for the majority of men but I've seen enough of my friends and colleagues to persue eagerly a woman and discover, when they "get" her, that they didn't love so much the prize as the hunting, to ascertain that for the most part of our lives we men are but little boys whining for a toy that isn't ours...

I wouldn't know what to do if my ex told me "Well, enough is enough, I am here and I am all yours"... I prolly would run and hide ha ha
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Old 4th April 2011, 12:20 AM   #8
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I know you only saw her for a brief period of time the other day (5 mins)- but how did she act? Did she greet you with a hug? Was it awkward? Did she seem distanced? Or was it like nothing had changed? Her whole body language might be a big clue as to how she's really feeling.

Since everyone else thinks this is a bad omen and you are going to get strung along...could you maybe ask her out on a date this weekend to see if she will go through with it? If she tries to pull the "I'm not ready" card, you could always throw out there that she was ready to meet you for her break at work, so what's the harm in dinner?
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Old 4th April 2011, 12:30 AM   #9
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what a brat you are... ha ha

I told him that I was going to move on and start dating....that got him texting me and saying he wants to work things out.

What I want to do but know I shouldnt do is play the game.... I want to go to lunch with a man near my job, he works near there too, in hopes i run in to him. He doesnt want this to be over.. He did this before... he just wants to run the streets. He is a bit immature.... long story... he was gone for awhile.... so probably not my best choice of a man, but I have put two and a half years in to this.... so i have very strong love for him.

I am really trying here..... I tried to get him back since during the argument I told him to leave. He plays little immature games and tries to hurt me the same way.
He told me when he came back before how hard it was for him to be away from me and that he loved me and missed me so much.

I seen him last week and he looks awful. Im sure I do too, but I can fix it with makeup... lol I lost weight and I am already thin....shapely but thin.
He really is a good man and has treated me pretty good.... he is not perfect.... neither am I , but I expected more from him and when I didnt get it, I treated him indifferent...and being with a man who isnt the father to your children is hard in itself although he loves them and is good to them... Life....ups and downs suck.

I decided NC has to work for me this time.. i will keep you posted on my progress. Locks are changed...so I know I will be getting a text from him tomorrow cause he will be trying to get in.... well cant come in if you dont live here anymore.....and yes text, he wont call.
Lets see how long he can last or maybe I will just make it through and be done with dealing with him and grow back up myself.....
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Old 4th April 2011, 1:33 AM   #10
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Trovador View Post
This is my honest opinion (based on what I've been living these past months)

Be prepared to live like this forever, or until she introduces her boyfriend to you, you are clearly more than a friend but less than a boyfriend...

If she was that interested, she would have accepted you back next day, any woman here will tell you that when they really are into someone, nothing will stop them of being with that guy... in fact, they will be proactive in doing so...

In case you are doubting where I come from, let me tell you that my ex has been asking me for "patience and understanding" since at least 6 months ago...

You are better off not expecting anything...
All the progress we've made over the past 6 weeks has been initiated by her...trust me man, I wasn't expecting that, or the progress itself at all...which makes me believe it's genuine.

I agree that nothing will stop any of us from being who we really want to be with, but when you're talking about a breakup/reconciliation, I also believe there's steps to a REAL reconciliation...not the reconciliations where you don't fix what's broken, and just continue the broken relationship until it ends again.

We're ready for the final step, but it's up to her to take it. I'm not blind to that fact that I have to protect my own feelings and be ready for the possibility that I'm being strung along with false hope...that's why I'm here, for objective advice/opinons.
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Old 4th April 2011, 2:17 AM   #11
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I know you only saw her for a brief period of time the other day (5 mins)- but how did she act? Did she greet you with a hug? Was it awkward? Did she seem distanced? Or was it like nothing had changed? Her whole body language might be a big clue as to how she's really feeling.

Since everyone else thinks this is a bad omen and you are going to get strung along...could you maybe ask her out on a date this weekend to see if she will go through with it? If she tries to pull the "I'm not ready" card, you could always throw out there that she was ready to meet you for her break at work, so what's the harm in dinner?
When she came by my house the other day, her body language was like nothing had changed. She even blew me a kiss goodbye as she walked back to her car. The comfort level from the phone calls/texts definitely carried over into our chat. I think that's why she asked me to stop by on her break today, because she felt comfortable after seeing me for the first time in about 3 months.

Maybe she was telling the truth about her district manager, I don't know...but that's why I was so confused about her possibly getting cold feet- we already broke the "haven't seen each other in months" ice the other day at my house, and it went well.

I've tried to ask her out to dinner a few times already, even just for a casual bite to eat, nothing serious, but she always comes back with the "not emotionally ready yet" answer...to her, it doesn't matter what we do when we finally get together, she says she wants to be emotionally ready for the whole "I'm gonna end up in your arms and we'll be back together" part of the night. I guess the idea of seeing me on her break at work gives her a certain distance that she still needs right now, because it won't be as intimate as a date.

To me it was a natural progress...

1. She comes by my house, finally sees me again for the first time in months (initiated by her, breaking the ice)

2. She asks me to come by on her break at work (initiated by her, a casual get together)

3. She either tells me she's ready to really see me again, or at some point soon, she accepts one of my offers to see me (we get back together)

Once she bailed on #2 today, it threw me for a loop, and it made me think of the possibility of being strung along.

I'm going on vacation next Monday for a week...I told her about the vacation a little while ago, and said I'd like to come by on her break next Sunday to say hi before I leave. The vacation gave me the perfect excuse to come by without being pushy. She said yes. So I guess I won't really know my next step, or have a better idea of her intentions, until I (hopefully) see her next Sunday and see how she reacts...or if she bails again.

thanks again Country_Girl, and any advice/opinions from all still appreciated.

PS: thanks for the kind words butterfly2011
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Old 4th April 2011, 4:41 AM   #12
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Well the blowing of the kiss was a good sign, I don't think she would be flirting like that with you if she was unsure of where her feelings were at. And it sounds like everything went well in person for that brief time, so I would chalk up this last canceled meeting as a fluke.

Please update us and let us know how Sunday goes, best of luck !
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Old 4th April 2011, 5:37 PM   #13
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thanks again CG I promise I will continue to update

It feels so good for me to just write out my thoughts and listen to what others think...and also, hopefully help others who are in similar situations...I know I was a LS junkie for the first few months post-breakup, reading every story I could, and it really helped me.

I'm going to continue on this week as if the canceled meeting was legit, and just look to keep building on the past 6 weeks. Hopefully things will be a little more clear after Sunday.

Any other thoughts/advice still welcome.
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Old 10th April 2011, 8:34 PM   #14
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update:

After talking/texting for the entire week (just as we have over the past 7 weeks now), we met up today during her break at work. We kept it light/fun and slightly flirtatious. It only lasted about 10 minutes, but it was great to hang out with her again. It couldn't have gone much better in my eyes.

I'm going on vacation tomorrow, and as I was leaving, she asked "if I could bring my webcam with me so I can see her every night" (I'm going to Florida and staying at a vacation condo that my family owns)...I told her I would, and that I would try to chat with her when I can.

I feel like I should be extremely happy right now, and I am happy...if these are steps towards full reconciliation, we're still making progress...but I can't shake the fact that by the time I get back from vacation, it will be 2 months since we re-connected, and she still hasn't told me she's "emotionally ready" to really get together yet.

It's a gigantic last step, getting together, and then almost certainly getting back together officially...but is "not emotionally ready to hang out" still a legit excuse after 2 months?

We talk on the phone, text, chat on Skype, we've seen each other, we've talked about "us" and "our future", we talk sexually/flirt, we've both said "I love you"...she's basically my girlfriend again in every other way except for the physical part...which is obviously a huge aspect of any relationship, and one that I need to continue on.

I'm trying to be patient, and I've made it this far, but it's so hard to differentiate between "progress" and being "strung along"...if I felt we were taking a step backward or if she started blowing cold, I've would've bailed, but we keep making progress, to the point where I don't want to give up yet.

Should I put her to a decision after I come back from my vacation? Maybe that's the only way she'll make a decision...or maybe she needs to see there's a chance of losing me before she overcomes whatever last obstacle she has in getting back with me. I know I've created a dependency in her again where she needs me in her life. I mean, I don't want to lose her by being impatient, but I can't do this "half-boyfriend" thing forever. I don't know what else to do at this point...after 2 months, and after all the progress we've made, what else does she need to be "emotionally ready"? If she still "isn't ready" when I get back, should I accept the fact that she's probably been faking a future with me and stringing me along?

Thanks in advance for any advice.

Last edited by Skee; 10th April 2011 at 8:36 PM..
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Old 10th April 2011, 10:13 PM   #15
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You are emotional support for her. She will give as much as she has to to keep you around. If you pull away she will push harder at maintaining the status quo. As long as the "I am not emotionally ready" line works on you she will continue to use it. Right now I think you are in the friend zone again. You are her best friend, the one she can talk when she needs some sort of contact. Stop by at my work, OK. Bring your webcam on vacation with you so I can talk to you on it, SURE. Give me months and months of your emotional support while I use the not emotionally ready line, You betcha!

I have been there before, I have hung around an ex where we past back and forth I love yous, talk about future and kids, I would go on vacations with her family and we would act like a couple, I would be there for emotional support when she was stressed out, having a fight with her parents, or something was going wrong. After a couple months of saying she wasn't sure about things and wanted to still be single she starts up a relationship with someone else. At the time I was still an idiot because she kept giving me all these crumbs and I happily ate them all up for another moment with her and that possiblity at a future. I even continued to sleep with her while she was in the relationship (I know that was bad). Boy was I stupid back then lol.

All I am saying is watch yourself. Don't give in to everything she asks of you because you are waiting for her to come around and think it might help. The best help I have found is truly giving them their space. She is still not ready for a relationship so you need to give her space again not getting back into a friendzone with her. You need to get back out of her life unless you are in a spot where you only want to be friends with her now. When she has fillings for you again that go beyond flirtatous friends then you guys can start progressing slowly through a reconciliation. I think you are just slowly progressing to best friend status. Just my opinion but I think she is stringing you on until she finds out whether she wants to be with you or not. You need to be out of the picture if she is still unsure.
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