Test of No-Contact - Seeking Counsel

[late_bloomer]

Hi Everyone,

 

I have just been dumped from a relationship of 1.5 years. I am a late boomer, so even though I'm in my early 20s, this was my first real relationship.

 

I want to get her back and I am not sure how. We once had a crisis like this before, where we sort of broke up and then got back together. This time seems way more legit.

 

There wasn't fighting; I was blindsided. A few days before she described me as the love of her life. Then she felt depressed, said she was sad, and dumped me. I figured she'd call back in a day or two. I accepted the break up and waited, but she hasn't. At one point she called crying asking me to come to her place, I did, I comforted her in person, and the next day she said thanks for being a good friend. Zing!

 

Being a friend to her, would be like a being a caged bird. Like a tiger in a petting zoo.

 

I have been very concerned about no contact. My thought: if no contact works for you, it will also work for them. So if I am getting over her, she is getting over me at the same time. This would result in me facing the nightmare of never getting back.

 

But I am new to relationships, and you guys know more than I do. Plus, I called her and boy did I feel down after she was finished explaining why we would never date again.

 

One thing I will note is that I have been extremeley supportive of her with many personal issues she faces, and she still wants that support as "friends" even though we aren't dating.

 

I am posting now, to ask for your advice. I will update the thread and offer myself as a case for others. I just would love some help in how to naviagate no contact. I will listen to your advice.

 

It started today with an IM saying "good night!" I did not respond.

 

Thank you so much!!

[Mcnulty]

She can't have her cake and eat it,re. breaking uo with you but wanting you to be there for her. You have to consider whay is best for you, not her.

 

NC is a tool to,a) help you heal, gain clarity and calm and get your life back on track. B) to give the dumper space to do the same, then they may be able to have the clarity to fully know if they are doing the right thing or if they still miss the other person.

 

Go NC for you and for the future, be it on your own for a while or maybe getting back with her, but remember that is not your decision, it's hers.

 

Your choice is do you want to remain in her life on an ad-hoc basis, where she calls and you come running or do you want your life to be moving forward slowly day by day?

[PegNosePete]

Dude you have been friend-zoned. Once a chick does this it's over, do not pass go, do not collect $200. Sorry.

The best way for you to heal is NC.

[late_bloomer]

First, I want to thank you for the time you have taken to help me here. I really appreciate it.

 

I am hearing what you are saying from a lot of different places; I am still in shock because this happened so fast. From my perspective I didn't do anything wrong per se (honestly!) but I know that sometimes one gets bored, or finds someone else.

 

I will fall back for a bit and keep the thread posted. This takes greater discipline than I imagined. However, I am going to choose to be optimistic. When faced with great uncertainty, and perhaps small chances, I will try to stay optimistic rather than be melancholy.

 

I was really there for her, and I figure that will count for something, but that is hard to replace.

 

Sure, chances are still low, but this helps me day-to-day.

[late_bloomer]

I want to thank you for your time. And thanks for the over a thousand posts you've made here!

 

Lowering expectations, I think is a good strategy to prevent further heartache.

 

I still think there is a glimmer of hope. All the things I've read seem to argue that being "friend-zoned" is better than being "deleted." So there's that.

 

I think the friended dumpee now has the ability to push back, and say I can't be a friend. If there person is allowed to miss you, I think there may be traction.

 

I am just going to be optimistic. I've seen this happen to my friends and it worked out. I really appreciate your advice, and helping keep my expectations realistic.

[Trovador]

Being a friend is better than NC...

 

and NC is better than being a friend...

 

Catch what I am trying to get into?

 

If you are a friend of your ex, you wish you were on NC, while if you are doing NC your heart and thought are in being with her, even as a friend... crazy, isn't it?

 

Which way to go?

 

The one in which you suffer less (we are not really moving on, are we?) and that is...

 

Going NC, because, as you so clearly express it, she will forget about you, but you, my friend, will forget about her too, while staying around will do the following: she also will forget about you, but you, my friend, will keep your loving feelings for her and if you are one of the unlucky guys, said feelings will grow...

 

It will be hell either way, but NC is a shorter (and maybe harder) one and above all, it will make you a free man...

[ate_the_paint]

You seem to have it figured out already. NC is the best and, really, the only way to go. Of course your head and heart will flip flop around and you'll think up 1,000,000 ingenious ways to get back with her, but deep down it seems you already know that it's over.

 

Go total NC and take the time to mourn the end of your relationship and heal, and try to accept the fact that it is over (this is ultimately the hardest part). From this point on, no matter what you do, your relationship is finished.

 

This is also a great time to work on yourself. What's a hobby you've always been interested in but never took up? What about some old friends you may have lost touch with during your relationship (we are all guilty of that one)? You now have an opportunity to build a new you, and when you come out of the healing process (and you will eventually, and you will know it when you do), you will feel a lot better.

 

And then new relationships will spring up like flowers in the spring. And some of those will end, and others will begin again, but during all that time you will be doing the things you enjoy and being, well, you.

 

And this is ultimately the entire purpose of NC, and trust me, it works.