To Contact Or Not To Contact? After finding the truth...

[mmiller5373]

Alright, so to sum things up, the first year and a half of my relationship with my ex was perfect. We were getting along fine, had a lot in common, and that feeling of love was there. I think she ended up getting G.I.G.S. after 1.5 years, and the relationship was dragged out another year (after several breaks and break ups), when she finally left me for good after 2.5 years in August. I honestly believe she was too weak to let me go, even though she knew she wanted to explore life on her own.

 

When she left, I wasn't in the best state of mind. I was unemployed, had just graduated college, was pennyless, had moved back in with mom (who lived 4 hours away), and my social life was pretty much gone. She had told me she wanted to remain friends and that it could work between us in the future. Man, I wish I had found this forum back then. Actually, I wish I had found this forum back in July 2009, when things first started to go wrong. So I did a lot of crazy things during the first month of the breakup... calling too much, begging, pleading, crying, showing up at her house... all of the stuff you're not suppose to do. This ended badly with her telling me to leave her alone and that she wanted nothing to do with me anymore. I still had a feeling she was hiding something from me though. I felt there was another guy and I asked her several times if there was another guy, though she said no, up until the last time I heard from her on September 13th.

 

I contacted her several times after that, to ask some questions and to tell her about things going on in my life, however, like I said before, she stopped responding... even blocked me on Facebook and eventually changed her number at the end of November. This behavior really set me off and brought out the worst in me. I couldn't figure out why she said she wanted to be friends and even threw the idea of a reconciliation out there too, and then blocked me, stopped responding, and changed her number. None of it made sense. So I did something stupid. I guessed her email security question and reset her password so I could see what she was up to. I needed the truth. And what I found was very interesting.

 

Anyway, in her email, I found out that 3 weeks after she broke up with me she was already serious enough with someone to be taking kissing pictures together. What I recently found out really makes sense. It turns out he wasn't new at all, this guy had been around since April... I knew nothing about him... don't know if she was cheating (obvious she was emotionally cheating) or if he was just a friend that turned into a love interest. She sent some pictures of him and emails to her girlfriends where she talked about how much her life has changed and how happy she is with this new guy. I also found out that during the month of July and August, she had been going out clubbing with her girlfriends about 2 times a week. There was also several drafts that she wrote to me, yet never sent. The drafts talked about how she is sad about the way things ended... how she always knew I wouldn't be a part of her life someday... and a good 75% of the drafts blamed me for the failure. She didn't take any responsibility.

 

She figured out that it was me who reset her password. Now, I've been NC for over a month and I'm wondering if I should stay NC or if I should send her a letter, telling her that I know the truth about her and her lies. What do you all think?

[DellPickle]

Right now, in my little vindictive mood I say let her know and bitch her out a little bit because she emotionally cheated on you...thats not cool, its just as hurtful and painful as physically cheating on someone

[Karma20]

Sit back and enjoy the show because what goes around comes around. She'll get hers don't stoop to her level. Rise above

[GoingInsane]

I did something very similar to you. Relationship for just over 2 years, split in Sept. The 6 months leading to the split I suspected her of cheating. She denied and denied and when we finally split, she blamed me pretty much for everything. Kept me on as a "friend" and was contacting me regularly but I was just hurting so much - and I snooped. Read about her affair and that she and the lover are "kind of seeing" each other now.

 

I just sent one text saying I know about you and J and left it at that. No more contact. She knows I snooped because she's changed her passwords, I figure there's no point in going over everything I read. She'll either lie, apologise or ignore me. None would make me feel any better.

 

Your ex knows what you've read if she knows you reset her password. Just stick with NC and let her stew about things.

[suddendumpee]

In your situation, I would say not to contact her. She knows you know. And she knows you found out by hacking her email. Right now she is probably pissed and anything you say will just add to it. Let her wonder a bit in this case.

[WTRanger]

Read the article in the news about the man facing 5 years in jail for snooping his wife's email, then tell us if it's a good idea to admit to what you did.

 

You stooped to a level lower than a snake's ballbag and invaded her privacy and for what? The truth? Where did it get you? Confused as ever? Feeling low? Mad? Now, you look like a total creep to your ex. It doesn't matter if she lied or told a half-truth. That doesn't even come close to the sleazy tactic you pulled.

 

Let this one go and stop being so damn snoopy. Jesus, let a sleeping dog lie for once.

[mmiller5373]

Right now, in my little vindictive mood I say let her know and bitch her out a little bit because she emotionally cheated on you...thats not cool, its just as hurtful and painful as physically cheating on someone

 

Honestly, this is what I kinda of want to do. Basically tell her off, saying that I know the truth and that I thank God for finding it.

[mmiller5373]

Read the article in the news about the man facing 5 years in jail for snooping his wife's email, then tell us if it's a good idea to admit to what you did.

 

You stooped to a level lower than a snake's ballbag and invaded her privacy and for what? The truth? Where did it get you? Confused as ever? Feeling low? Mad? Now, you look like a total creep to your ex. It doesn't matter if she lied or told a half-truth. That doesn't even come close to the sleazy tactic you pulled.

 

Let this one go and stop being so damn snoopy. Jesus, let a sleeping dog lie for once.

 

See, here's the thing. The ONLY reason I even made the decision to break into her email was because back in June, she did the same exact thing to me while we were still together. She was at my house and while I was in the shower, she got into my computer, logged into my Facebook, and read through my messages. The funny thing is that while I was in her email, I found that she had emailed herself a bunch of my FB messages lol.

 

Now, I can see how it looks creepy to people on the outside... but come on, man, let's get serious about what was really going on here. It's email, not a bank account. There's no harm done.

[suddendumpee]

Honestly, this is what I kinda of want to do. Basically tell her off, saying that I know the truth and that I thank God for finding it.

 

As you know I was in a similar situation and confronted my ex. Difference being, I found out the truth by one of her friends posting a FB album full of pics. When they realized I could see them, they hid the album (within 10 minutes). If I had found the truth by snooping her e-mail, I think I would have just taken it for what it's worth and moved on with the truth. I would never fess up to that. It will look creepy to her and DEFINITELY not trigger any guilt or sorrow for what she did. Don't you want her to look back someday and miss what you had, instead of being thankful that she made the "right decision".

[WTRanger]

See, here's the thing. The ONLY reason I even made the decision to break into her email was because back in June, she did the same exact thing to me while we were still together. She was at my house and while I was in the shower, she got into my computer, logged into my Facebook, and read through my messages. The funny thing is that while I was in her email, I found that she had emailed herself a bunch of my FB messages lol.

 

Now, I can see how it looks creepy to people on the outside... but come on, man, let's get serious about what was really going on here. It's email, not a bank account. There's no harm done.

 

 

Bull-F'ing-sh*t. You invaded her privacy for no reason and for no gain. You aren't back together, you are still broken up, and she thinks far less of you than she already did (if that was even possible).

 

If this case wins, it'll set precedent and I think it should.

 

http://abcnews.go.com/Technology/email-snooping-wife-brings-michigan-man-felony-computer/story?id=12488956

[DellPickle]

Bull-F'ing-sh*t. You invaded her privacy for no reason and for no gain. You aren't back together, you are still broken up, and she thinks far less of you than she already did (if that was even possible).

 

If this case wins, it'll set precedent and I think it should.

 

http://abcnews.go.com/Technology/email-snooping-wife-brings-michigan-man-felony-computer/story?id=12488956

He also thinks less of her for now knowing she cheated on him

 

Also I dont think the case should win because she had all her passwords written down by the computer...not quite fort knoxes or anything...after I broke up with an ex who I had saved passwords on her computer, I was sure to change my passwords...and I would assume she did the same for her accounts that had saved passwords on my computer....

[mmiller5373]

As you know I was in a similar situation and confronted my ex. Difference being, I found out the truth by one of her friends posting a FB album full of pics. When they realized I could see them, they hid the album (within 10 minutes). If I had found the truth by snooping her e-mail, I think I would have just taken it for what it's worth and moved on with the truth. I would never fess up to that. It will look creepy to her and DEFINITELY not trigger any guilt or sorrow for what she did. Don't you want her to look back someday and miss what you had, instead of being thankful that she made the "right decision".

 

I know your story pretty well, been following it and posting on your thread a lot. Honestly, I feel like if I mention something like, "It wasn't the nicest or most honest thing for me to do, but you did get into my Facebook a few months back; consider us even", that may ease her anger a bit. What I'm wanting out of it is to actually make her feel bad about what she did to me.

[mmiller5373]

He also thinks less of her for now knowing she cheated on him

 

Also I dont think the case should win because she had all her passwords written down by the computer...not quite fort knoxes or anything...after I broke up with an ex who I had saved passwords on her computer, I was sure to change my passwords...and I would assume she did the same for her accounts that had saved passwords on my computer....

 

Okay, so she cheats on him and divorces him, and now there is a possibility that he may go to jail for snooping through her email? What about the sanctity of marriage? Seems like she's getting away with murder, doesn't it?

[lovekills]

I am going to have to agree with WTRanger on this one, although not to be as harsh as him, he is however right in saying that the truth got you no where. Your personality is very much like mine and very much like most weaker males. I am not sure how old you are but it has a lot go do with maturity and the ability to let things go. I persist and persist, i fight and badger and question, complain and confront until I get my answer and if the answer is not the one i wanted i continue to go about it until i get one that i want but in the end its all for what? Peace of mind? We like to tell ourselves that if i just found out this one thing i'd be fine, i could go on with my life i'd have closure, well i'm here to tell you that you don't get closure. IN fact it just drives you further insane, you sometimes will press harder and harder and lose all control until something bad really happens. On the flip side it could be enough for you to say screw it and move on, that little push you needed to let go but in most cases it just leaves you questioning yourself, what you did wrong, how you could have fixed it. You being to ruminate on things, it constantly goes over in your mind, you fixate on a past that you CANNOT CHANGE. Its like a movie on repeat in your head and you're a detective piecing together clues from the past present and future that will do nothing but upset you more.

 

Look, I am on here just like you, seeking advice, confused about why I was burned when I was a hero, a knight in shining armor...having done the same things as you though really showed how immature I really am. I texted, called, snooped, accused, confronted, complained badgered, showed up, you name it I did it, with two girls and it got me no where. Knowing the truth is something that some people have to do, its not even a question its a driving force but look at what the truth affords us, further insanity.

 

The bottom line is that she does not want to be with you, if she did she would be so you need to just let it go. I am going through a situation in which I am sad that my ex dumped me but more sad for her because she is all alone now, miserable and lonely, but you know what, she isn't. She has a new guy who replaced me, she isn't miserable, she isn't sad she isn't lonely. If she cared about me she would be with me, same thing goes with you.

 

Its clear as day as to why she blocked you, there should be no question. She didn't want to hurt you by you seeing things on facebook, she wanted to keep the door open incase new guy didn't work out she could go back to you, women do this.

 

You question why she blocked you and stopped responding after she said she wanted to be friends, you're kidding right? She saw your needy, desperate behavior and ran for the hills. Women don't need much to change their mind about you, and the length of time you spent with her means nothing. Think about people who get divorced after having lived together for 15 years, length of time means NOTHING. It only takes one act of violence, rage, anger, hate, abuse etc to trigger her will to be away from you.

 

There are very few honest and loyal people out there, you unfortunately encountered one that was not no matter how much you say you love her or will defend her honor the feelings are not reciprocated, get that through your skull.

 

Do not and i repeat do not confront her (hope you haven't already) regarding your findings, not only because of possible legal ramifications but also because it will only infuriate her and hell hath no fury like a pissed off women. You may think by saying "gotcha" i found out your secret you are sticking it to her, you know what she is going to do? Deflect first of all then not give a damn because she is with someone else and guess what you make yourself look like a jackazz and you are back to square one having accomplished nothing.

 

Personal advice, keep the little secret to yourself as ammo perhaps one day if you ever do want to bring it up in casual conversation once your emotions have calmed down, secondly use it as a reminder that she was not the one for you because if she was you would be laying by her side right now instead of on this forum.

 

Good luck and God speed brother.

Edited January 11, 2011 by lovekills

[GreenPolicy]

Dude you are obsessing over your ex and you need to let it go. All this time you spend obsessing over her is time you are not focusing on yourself and the rest of your life.

 

I am guilty of not always practicing what I preach, as I have spent a lot of time obsessing about my b/u and feeling sorry for myself. But I have also taken some positive steps to rebuild my life: going to Al-Anon meetings, exercising regularly, trying to strengthen and rebuild my support network of friends and family, going to a therapist regularly, I've taken one trip and plan to take another soon, I've got a couple dates lined up from being active on an online dating site.

 

You and I have no control over what our exes think, feel and do at this point. If your ex was cheating on you, then be glad she is out of your life and you have the opportunity to meet somebody more honest and with more integrity.

 

Obsessing about your ex is only hurting yourself at this point, not her. You're in pain, and it's okay to grieve and be sad, but you need to spend your mental energy and your time trying to figure out what you want out of your life, what mistakes you made in your relationship that you won't repeat in your next one, what you can do today to improve your situation. What you're doing is a huge waste.

[lovekills]

Agreed with the GreenPolicy. It is obsession, we all go through it, well most of us. Its sad and hard to get over. We question everything, and well...obsess. It gets you no where in the end and we often wind up staying with our significant others in failing relationships for far too long because we begin to obsess and then it snow balls after and it get worse. Mine just tore my heart out (read the thread if you like) and I feel that I am in a unique possession to give advice based on my own personal experience. No good ever comes of that "well i just want to know..." last question. How would you like to persist so much that she gets a restraining order against you? I had that happen to me the judge sided with her because of the amount of texts i sent her, all were benign and mostly "i miss and love you please lets work this out" etc but still. Now its like she is dead and I CANNOT contact her ever to even say my peace, that my friend is true sorrow. But I look at it from a flip side now that my emotions have calmed down a bit, if she wanted me she would have me, if she loved me she wouldn't have done what she did, if she really cared well, you get the picture.

[Melodie]

Sorry. Tried to start new thread and for some reason it got on here. LoL.

[mmiller5373]

I have made many positive changes in my life. I moved back to where I use to live, got an amazing job that I love, have lost over 25 lbs, have read so many relationship books to help me get over this one (and for future ones), have been hanging with new/old friends, saving some money for my own place, and building some relationships through online dating. But still, I go back and let this whole thing run me down. You all are right, it's obsessing over something I cannot and will not be able to control. She made her decision, probably cheated, and left. Everything I did post breakup only hurt any chance off ever getting back together (not sure if I would want that anyway). But it's like some part of me wants revenge on her. Like, how the F could you do that after all the time and money I put into you? At a low point in my life? Are you freaking serious? You put me through hell so you can go on with your life and be happy with some d'bag? Why? Why? Why?

 

I'm 24 and she was my first love. I've dated several beautiful woman, but something was different about this one. She was so sweet, innocent, unique, sexy... She was from Mexico so that was such a cool experience for me. She was a virgin too. There's not that many women left like that out there. We did and shared so many things together. Movies, TV, mountain biking, fitness, cooking... You name it. She was my best friend; the one person i could count on. Then, through this breakup, she pulls a 180 on me and becomes a mean, lying, deceiving, hurtful person. I feel used and abused, especially now that I've had time to look back at the months leading up to the breakup. I feel she had been seeing him for a while and that makes me feel like a fool. I pretty much bankrupted myself being with this girl; as if putting myself through college wasn't enough hell.

 

I dont know why I can't let it go.*

[jenifer1972]

The 'dumped' always find it hard to let go. They are the ones discarded for another, and it is only human nature to perseverate over such a thing for awhile. Give yourself a break on that.

 

DO NOT put in writing to her anything about hacking her email or Facebook. Talk about giving all the evidence needed to pursue something legal, no matter how lame or farfetched! Especially with the current case in the legal system of the husband hacking his wife's account. Don't do that.

 

What I have found is that life itself doles out a much tougher karmic revenge than I could have ever thought up in many cases, and in others, the opportunity presented itself on a silver platter, and I needed to make almost no effort to get my last word in... Give this time, you'll see.

 

P.S. I am in the camp that hacking is a much tinier offense than cheating.

[coltsfan1]

mmiller5373-Take it from someone who did the samething as you checking up on her ESPECIALLY if she left you for someone else will only hurt YOU.. I did all the things you have, I checked her email every two or three days. Doing this will only prolong your hurt time and keep you from moving forward, the only difference is my ex didn't change her passwords and wanted me to check it so I would hurt. You will have to come to terms like I did that the loving caring young lady you once knew was either a fake persona or that person has died and turned into the dishonest cheater that you know now.

 

I will post my story and you should read it because if this is your first true break up then maybe you can save yourself the hurt and embaressment that I went through after my ex and I tried again only to have her be even more abusive to me. My situation went from hurtful words, to her cheating and physically assualting me on two different occasions and once in public in front of all our friends.

 

Trust me when I say run away and let her go.

 

She may become the person you hope but it will not be anytime soon it takes months/years for a person to heal from whatever it is that broken their thought process. Here is my story read it and see if there are any similairities to yours.

 

http://http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t219183/

[mmiller5373]

What I have found is that life itself doles out a much tougher karmic revenge than I could have ever thought up in many cases, and in others, the opportunity presented itself on a silver platter, and I needed to make almost no effort to get my last word in... Give this time, you'll see.

 

After seeing pictures of this guy, he looks like a womanizer, a player if you must. It's sad that she fell for it because she's never been attracted to men like that. I guess with all of our problems and the attention he was probably giving her, there was nothing else for her to do. And the support of her girlfriends (they are all hispanic and hate me because I'm white). Since he is a player, I'm thinking he thinks he's going to be the first to get in on that action... which is false. I waited 2.5 years and got nothing. Now, her brother-in-law even mentioned that he thinks she's going to realize she made a mistake once she dates a guy who only wants her for sex. Things are fine now, they're in the honeymoon phase... but this guy will probably end up abusing her or cheating on her.

 

P.S. I am in the camp that hacking is a much tinier offense than cheating.

 

I agree. We are also all forgetting that she got into my FB back in June and sent my private emails to herself. We're even now.

[mmiller5373]

You will have to come to terms like I did that the loving caring young lady you once knew was either a fake persona or that person has died and turned into the dishonest cheater that you know now.

 

She may become the person you hope but it will not be anytime soon it takes months/years for a person to heal from whatever it is that broken their thought process.

 

I never really looked at the situation like this before. You are very right. The woman I loved is gone. I don't know what happened to her and I won't ever understand it, but I don't need this new person in my life. She's not the same.

 

And yes, you are right, in years she may come back... once she's healed from our relationship and whatever other relationships she goes through.

[lovekills]

This is never easy and as much advice as we can give you we are all going through or have gone through the same thing but each one of us hopefully has learned some valid lessons so you better listen up. My biggest problem is that I listen to no one and i march to the beat of my own drummer, therefore when stuff really hits the fan its my own fault since everyone told me to get out or not pursue etc.

 

Revenge is NOT the answer. Everyone I know has been telling me I should hate my ex's guts for what she did to me, how she used me and removed me and practically erased me from her life. I however feel bad for her, I know her life is extremely tough and I know I added to her stress and anxiety but as a result of her elusiveness, although not justified it was the reason why I acted the way I did. I know that buy stooping down to a level in which I seek revenge just so that she feels the same pain that I am in will no benefit me, in fact it will likely cause a chain reaction that will get me into deeper trouble. The universe tends to iron things out, even if you don't believe in that believe in yourself and that is all you need. I used to be a very angry and vengeful person but through experience i've realized there is absolutely no point in it, i don't care if she hacked your fb and you want to hack hers or do whatever it doesn't matter. You are thinking in the temporary and not thinking 10 steps down the line, what will letting her know you know about this that and the other do for you? Seriously think about it.

 

Just let it go, move on and live with the pain, it will subside. At least you have the hope of yours coming back, I cannot contact mine, nor should I even be caring after what she did to me but I still do because I am a good person and I know i will be missed on some level. Hurting someone further is not the answer, let her be to live her life no matter how pissed off you are at her. Its all one big lesson, life that is, so take this in stride and hold your head up high, stop obsessing, stop trying to figure things out, stop ruminating, just pick yourself up off the ground and realize that in the end this was for the best.

[mmiller5373]

I honestly don't think she will be coming back after finding out I got into her email. Especially if her Girlfriends and family know about it. What's done is done; it's all in the past. Someday I won't care and won't let it bother me anymore. I'm looking forward to that moment.

 

I tend to have an obsessive emotional nature. I let a lot of things bother me and these things stay in my mind for a long time. Even when somebody says something mean to me, it's on my mind for hours. I have a difficult time letting things go... But after quite some time has passed, I forgive too easily.

[lovekills]

I honestly don't think she will be coming back after finding out I got into her email. Especially if her Girlfriends and family know about it. What's done is done; it's all in the past. Someday I won't care and won't let it bother me anymore. I'm looking forward to that moment.

 

I tend to have an obsessive emotional nature. I let a lot of things bother me and these things stay in my mind for a long time. Even when somebody says something mean to me, it's on my mind for hours. I have a difficult time letting things go... But after quite some time has passed, I forgive too easily.

 

I am the same way, I tend to ruminate on things and wear my heart on my sleeve, it just means we are caring people. Nothing like this is ever easy, there is no quick solution, its like a drug that you have to quit cold turkey and you will only get better with time. Good luck brother.