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why am i so grumpy and mean towards my wife?!?!


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Old 25th October 2010, 7:13 PM   #1
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why am i so grumpy and mean towards my wife?!?!

well, i never thought i would use a place like this to get advice, but i'm going nuts at home and i need to figure out why.

i'll provide the background and finish off with the current stuff...

my wife and i have been married for 8 years and we have two beautiful girls' aged 7 and 3. i'm 37 and she's 31, the last 18 months of our marriage has been hell.

i had an online affair with a girl i went to high school with. we never met face to face, but we shared pictures and web cammed. i'm sure you know what kind of pictures and camming we did. yes, it was all sexual. i got caught, as the other girls husband called my wife and told her in great detail what we had done. i figured my marriage was over, but with some counselling and talking we decided to try again. and TONS of begging on my end, i almost think she agreed just to shut me up. since then, i have not strayed or looked at another woman. i am content with my marriage and my wife.

also, in that time, we went 14 months with no sex. we slept in the same bed, but never had sex. i didn't even see my wife naked during that time. it was tough, but i figured it was worth the struggle.

so now, for the past 6 or so months, it seems like we hit a 3 month ending. we lead up to a fight and then talk about why we still hurt each other and that this is the last time to do this. the difference is this time, we talked about taking a break/separating and a divorce. we have never progressed to this level.

i work away from home and when i get home, especially the last few times, i am so grumpy and mean to my wife. this past time home, she was so loving towards me and all i could do was grunt responses and just be mean. i am not a jealous person, but lately i have been jealous of her. this kills me inside to think that i may have pushed her away because i was just an ass towards her for no reason and now its starting to affect our girls.

so, for this hitch away from home, i am not going to call her, txt her, facebook her or e-mail her. i'm going to let her call me and stuff, and hopefully i can figure out why i have been so grumpy. i don't think she has forgiven me for my past indiscretion and i think shes waiting for me to do it again, even though i won't.

i know this probably seems long winded and jumbled, but i needed to get this off my chest and out here, sure hope someone here can relate or just chat.

thanks!!
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Old 25th October 2010, 7:21 PM   #2
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=j-roxxx;3064209]
so, for this hitch away from home, i am not going to call her, txt her, facebook her or e-mail her. i'm going to let her call me and stuff, and hopefully i can figure out why i have been so grumpy. i don't think she has forgiven me for my past indiscretion and i think shes waiting for me to do it again, even though i won't.
Welcome to Loveshack! I think you should call her, text her, facebook her and anything else you can do to make up for the grumpiness. It would seem that acting distant and unloving would make your wife suspect that you are cheating again. You don't want that do you?
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Old 25th October 2010, 7:26 PM   #3
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i did ALL that last time when i cheated on her. this time tho, i'm going to just step back and let her come to me.....if she does.

the only good thing so far, we still love each other and say it / txt it
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Old 25th October 2010, 7:28 PM   #4
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Let me get this straight. You have the affair and SHE has to make the effort
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Old 25th October 2010, 7:44 PM   #5
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no, no, NO!!

that's not what i was getting at. i made the effort as it should be. when it all happened, i KNEW it was my job to show her that i can be trusted again. and i CAN be!!

i just want to know why i am so grumpy towards her when i get home from being away at work. shes nothing but nice and loving to me
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Old 25th October 2010, 7:56 PM   #6
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no, no, NO!!

that's not what i was getting at. i made the effort as it should be. when it all happened, i KNEW it was my job to show her that i can be trusted again. and i CAN be!!

i just want to know why i am so grumpy towards her when i get home from being away at work. shes nothing but nice and loving to me
because YOU are selfish and self centered = only thinking of yourself!

she has all the work to do at home while you're away... and still she probably doesn't trust you at all.

IF you want to stay married - do MORE individual counseling.

a man that is trying to rebuild his M after cheating would be willing to DO anything to make sure his W is comfortable and taken care of without ANY worry at all what he may or may not be doing.

but you? all YOU are worried about is how comfortable YOU are! this is a$$ backwards.

the M will NEVER work as long as you are thinking of yourself like that.

get counseling. your poor wife. your sense of entitlement hasn't gone away at all.
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Old 25th October 2010, 8:01 PM   #7
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wow! i never, EVER looked at it like that. sure hurts to know that what i thought i was doing right was all wrong!

i thank you for your blunt answer. i have more work to do i see...
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Old 25th October 2010, 8:03 PM   #8
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Ah the never-ending argument I have with my H. He cheats. I hurt, I blow up at him and he thinks, "Why bother trying?"

Well guess what, you have probably listened and held her while she cried and tried to do your best to get her over this by buying her gifts or showering her with attention and she ain't having it....

And she ain't because she doesn't trust you. Now what are you doing (aside from stopping the cheating) to show her that you can be trusted again and that you aren't going to do this to her ever, ever again.

What are you doing to show that she is desirable to you, moreso then all of the other women?

If you cannot answer these questions with anything less then a strategy, you have your work cut out for you. Grab the book "After the Affair." I know that you may say "this isn't an affair! We didn't do XYZ!" Well my friend, it is all of the same fun feelings. After you have tripped through that book and are able to empathize with her and figure out what got you to do this in the first place, you can grab Light Her Fire.

You are mad at her because she won't forgive something that you feel isn't as big of deal as she is making it out to be. You are frustrated with her because she won't let go of something you have let go of and something that makes you feel ashamed. Every time she blows out at you, you feel like she is out to get you, every time she blows out she wonders why you "just don't get it."
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Old 25th October 2010, 8:09 PM   #9
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i never thought that someone would peg my exact thoughts. how un-canny and yet a kind of relief. i do think i have forgotten it, and i think she has NOT.
i always tell her how pretty she is, how desireable she is to me, how much of an awesome mom she is and that i love her more than anything.

shame doesn't even come close to how i feel about what i did..
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Old 25th October 2010, 8:14 PM   #10
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i never thought that someone would peg my exact thoughts. how un-canny and yet a kind of relief. i do think i have forgotten it, and i think she has NOT.
i always tell her how pretty she is, how desireable she is to me, how much of an awesome mom she is and that i love her more than anything.

shame doesn't even come close to how i feel about what i did..
The images got burned into her head. You need to back it up some how, something very emotionally connected. You also need to head to a counselor or an MC, she might need someone from an outside perspective.
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Old 25th October 2010, 8:19 PM   #11
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we did counselling. and then we started to work on our M again. but, my wife is not the kind of person who likes to talk to outside her family circle.
i on the other hand, am going to go back
i always think our M is getting better, but we seem to find ways to hurt each other rather than love each other.
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Old 25th October 2010, 8:19 PM   #12
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if you ignore her = she will go away...

if you ignore her = she will find someone who WILL pay attention to her...

think about those two...
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Old 25th October 2010, 8:20 PM   #13
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we did counselling. and then we started to work on our M again. but, my wife is not the kind of person who likes to talk to outside her family circle.
i on the other hand, am going to go back
i always think our M is getting better, but we seem to find ways to hurt each other rather than love each other.
so change will be good! if nothing changes = nothing changes!
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Old 25th October 2010, 8:21 PM   #14
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and i know that. i mean thats why i did what i did right...

i know i need an attitude adjustment in a BIG way.
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Old 25th October 2010, 8:22 PM   #15
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change for me is what i need i now know. i don't like causing her pain and unhappiness. i love my wife dearly and i want my M to succeed, i truly do!
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