This doesn't make sense

[Caradavine]

So, here I am, pathetically making a beggar out of myself for a love that I don't understand. Now, we are dating. We are no longer engaged, no longer to be married or have children. I don't get it. I decided to move into my own place because I just can't trust his fickle moods. Now, he suddenly seems all about us working things out, but he wants time and needs to be alone for a while. So, we went on a date last night, and I tried my best to behave and not ask any serious questions, but I am a melancholy person and it eventually came out. Well, actually, it came out before we left and he began treating me like dirt again. I cried and begged for him just to understand me and for once let me have a voice without being treated like I was bad or wrong. It took a long time and he tried sending me on my way without the date before he became loving again. He finally said he doesn't want all the negative stuff or talk of our future, he wants me to live in the present. Of course, my present has been mindless shopping, tons of tears, and an aching heart but I'm guessing he means his present? Anyway, we had originally agreed that he would get me pregnant whether we worked out or not, but now he refuses, saying it wouldn't be right. So, I'm also heartbroken that the child we planned to conceive the end of this month is not happening, and I am scared my cancer will return as my cycles return to normal. I finally got some kind of timeframe, too. He wants it all (supposedly, and who knows what parts of it) in less than a year, but not right now. He swears there is no one else for him and we are exclusively dating. I feel like a fool, but I believe him. As I left what used to be our house for the evening, I couldn't hold in the tears and I just began bawling by the door. He was comforting, but I was very close to saying "forget it" because this pain gets to be too much. I am still trying not to contact him, and I'm beginning to think it will be the only way to clear things up either in his head or heart to the point where I can just know whether I am wasting my time or need to hang on.

[Caradavine]

It's 930 pm, and this will be my first day of NC. I am sick of being treated like an inconvenience or afterthought, so I am staying away from his town and staying in these boonies for the next week. I am sick to my stomach and don't know how I feel, but I do know that it's so hard not to pick up the phone and ask why he hasn't called yet, although I know he's at work and he can't think about anything when he is in work mode. He promised he wouldn't forget me, that he would call me every night, and if I disappeared (ran away), that he would find me. I don't know if he was just trying to make me happy or trying to get me to leave him alone or he meant it. One year of no cuddling, no loving, and no laughter together. I don't know how I'm going to do this. He said we will go out next week and cuddle back at what used to be our house, but our last date was miserable because I had such a hard time leaving our house. He texted me a "Good Morning" that next afternoon, probably because he felt sorry for my pathetic arse. I have to get it together, but I am having such a hard time with this.

[Caradavine]

He called me at 3 am this morning, while he was leaving work. We talked about nothing, really, but it was a relief that he actually called me. I didn't bring up anything about my feelings, the relationship, or any of that other heavy stuff. I also made sure he didn't think I was waiting with baited breath as I was playing WoW when he called. I want some of my control back since I willingly gave it all to him anyway. It's time for me to start making choices for myself and not waiting around to see if he is coming with me. I am saying that with bravado.

[purplelily1013]

Not to sound harsh, but he is only contacting/seeing you out of guilt. It eases his conscience cause he knows he hurt you. Both of you are dragging out the inevitable which is the relationship is over. I know it hurts beyond belief and you want to hold onto any shred of hope..but its false hope.