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How to tell someone you dont love them anymore?


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Old 26th July 2010, 12:10 PM   #1
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How to tell someone you dont love them anymore?

Hi.

So for the last 6 months or so, I have been feeling different towards my boyfriend of 6 years. I am no longer in love with him, yet love him very very much. Make sense? It's been really hard for me to come to terms with the fact that I think I may have fallen out of love with him. He is everything to me, and the best relationship i have ever ever been in. I should love him, but I no longer do. What is the best way to tell someone you love and deeply care about that you are no longer in love with them anymore and need to change the dynamic of the relationship? Heart is breaking either way!
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Old 26th July 2010, 12:56 PM   #2
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Unfortunately, there is no easy way. Do it in person and be gentle. Let him ask as many questions as he needs answers to. If he starts to get angry, don't get angry back. Be calm and caring.

And remember, you've had time to think about this...he has not. Your boyfriend is about to get blindsided. He's going to be in shock. Prepare for a whole range of emotions from him.

Do you live together?
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Old 26th July 2010, 4:31 PM   #3
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If youve felt this way for 6 months how come you havent told him that you want to bring the feeling back?

I mean 6 years is a long time, dont you feel like it would be worth making it work for you somehow rather than just throwing it away?
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Old 26th July 2010, 5:32 PM   #4
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I dont believe such a thing that i dont love him anymore after 6 years! If you have been 6 years with someone you wouldnt be in love with them still anyway. After 6 years you should be best friend, couple, caring about each other etc... I have never seen anyone who is together but deeply in love after 6 years just like first days... So dont do anything bad to have regrets in the future. If theres any problems just sit down and talk like 2 adults with him and i am sure you will find a way to make things work again.

Dont forget its very easy to break someones heart but its not very easy to win someones heart!

Yes i just got dumped from my girlfriend of 4 years for not good enough reason and i believe she will regret her decision in the future... So you may regret your decision in your future too. Please now get together with him and speak about all the problems from your point of view im sure he will do his best to put things back on the track!

Good luck
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Old 26th July 2010, 6:13 PM   #5
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You could always continue the trend of, "I just need space."
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Old 26th July 2010, 6:14 PM   #6
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DaynaP View Post
Hi.

What is the best way to tell someone you love and deeply care about that you are no longer in love with them anymore and need to change the dynamic of the relationship? Heart is breaking either way!

Don't try and feed him that. That's the oldest line in the book. Quit with the bs and just tell him you're not interested anymore
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Old 26th July 2010, 6:34 PM   #7
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Originally Posted by DaynaP View Post
Hi.

So for the last 6 months or so, I have been feeling different towards my boyfriend of 6 years. I am no longer in love with him, yet love him very very much. Make sense? It's been really hard for me to come to terms with the fact that I think I may have fallen out of love with him. He is everything to me, and the best relationship i have ever ever been in. I should love him, but I no longer do. What is the best way to tell someone you love and deeply care about that you are no longer in love with them anymore and need to change the dynamic of the relationship? Heart is breaking either way!
Wow DaynaP, you sound exactly like the girl who's just broken my heart! She told me the same thing...

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Originally Posted by truthalwayshurts View Post
I dont believe such a thing that i dont love him anymore after 6 years! If you have been 6 years with someone you wouldnt be in love with them still anyway. After 6 years you should be best friend, couple, caring about each other etc... I have never seen anyone who is together but deeply in love after 6 years just like first days... So dont do anything bad to have regrets in the future. If theres any problems just sit down and talk like 2 adults with him and i am sure you will find a way to make things work again.

Dont forget its very easy to break someones heart but its not very easy to win someones heart!

Yes i just got dumped from my girlfriend of 4 years for not good enough reason and i believe she will regret her decision in the future... So you may regret your decision in your future too. Please now get together with him and speak about all the problems from your point of view im sure he will do his best to put things back on the track!

Good luck
Sensible sentiments truthalwayshurts, but it seems we live in a throwaway society these days; if it's broken, get rid of it and get a new one...

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Old 26th July 2010, 10:08 PM   #8
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DanyaP,

Please break up with him. If you're really not in love with him anymore, then do him that favor so he can find a great woman that can weather the ups and downs of love and live a happy life with her.

So just tell him the truth, be firm and resolute, and then go NC.

There is no need to belabor the point with him.
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Old 26th July 2010, 10:27 PM   #9
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Originally Posted by DaynaP View Post
Hi.

So for the last 6 months or so, I have been feeling different towards my boyfriend of 6 years. I am no longer in love with him, yet love him very very much. Make sense? It's been really hard for me to come to terms with the fact that I think I may have fallen out of love with him. He is everything to me, and the best relationship i have ever ever been in. I should love him, but I no longer do. What is the best way to tell someone you love and deeply care about that you are no longer in love with them anymore and need to change the dynamic of the relationship? Heart is breaking either way!
What do you mean "change the dynamic of the relationship"? This sounds like something that only need be said when you're breaking off the relationship. Many people feel the same way you do. Maybe even most at some point. Who knows? But what is it that you want if it isn't a parting of the ways? Otherwise it's just like telling someone something that is going to hurt but can only make things awkward for both just because you wanted to get things off your chest. I'm not making a rhetorical question when I ask "What do you mean "change the dynamic of the relationship"?" I'd be curious--does that mean you want to put restrictions on what sex is to consist of as in "we can f*ck but no showing of deep affection like kissing?" or what. "I can call you but you can't phone me".

See, this sounds like you ought to have an exit strategy because it seems too complicated and too much about you to be sustainable. Is this guy a doormat or might he have a shove it up your azz attitude? Or how will you feel if he said "thank god, I've been putting up with not hurting you but now that you don't care, I'm released to go sow some overdue oats".

I'm not trying to offend or anything but just say that you may not get to call any shots at all if you say what you're talking about. Thus it makes sense to expect to split or keep it to yourself until your ready to split.
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Old 27th July 2010, 4:38 PM   #10
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Thanks everyone, for your feedback. So maybe i should have included more details...

He and I are both aware of things changing in our relationship. He wouldn't be blind-sided what-so-ever. We both know that something is missing, yet haven't exactly put our fingers on it yet. I recently realized that perhaps I just wasn't in love anymore and that is a difficult thing for me to come to terms with. Ideally, since we are open and honest, it would be great if we could remain friends, but its a lot easier said than done. We've tried to get our relationship back on track, yes, but the cold hard truth is that I've fallen out of love. It's very easy for us to stay in our current pattern....we both love each other, we enjoy each other's company, but we are headed in different directions and I've just been losing that (to quote Carrie Bradshaw from Sex and city) "Zsa Zsa Zoo" for us. I would not be interested in "calling the shots" as one of you put it. I respect him and his needs as well. i don't expect to have sexual relations anymore, but I do hope that we could remain close friends since that's kind of the way it's been lately. We haven't been sexually intimate in a while, but do like to snuggle and cozy up. We are there for each other. I hate that when ending a relationship, the end of a friendship has to come along with it...at least temporarily. We are best friends. I'd hate to lose that.

I'm so afraid of hurting him though. like having to say to someone: i love you but i'm not in love with you anymore. it sounds so cliche but its the truth. I think whats kept me from ending it entirely is the fear of breaking his heart (and mine...it is a huge loss for the both of us). however, the more that we stay in this unknown place in our relationship, the more dissatisfied i become. I see myself checking out other men, and I see myself not as excited to spend time with him. The last thing I want to do is cheat on him and really screw it up. I'm just so scared to have that conversation. I don't think he'll react with anger...mostly sadness. and i'm sad just thinking about it.
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Old 27th July 2010, 5:01 PM   #11
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You sound exactly like my ex.

If I was to relive that moment I can't stress how important it would be to have open communication with each other and be honest to him and yourself.

I am sure he has the feeling something is wrong too, you are just both too worried about rocking the boat. If you have both truly given it your all and you still feel the same, then neither of you can regret that you didn't try and then you should have no regrets.
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Old 27th July 2010, 5:05 PM   #12
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I see myself checking out other men,

You have a particular one in mind dontcha?

I agree with DB. He deserves a great woman and you're not it.
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Old 27th July 2010, 5:09 PM   #13
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Don't look at sex in the city as real life, life is nothing like those idiots make it out to be. Ugh

Secondly you have obviously put some serious thought into this. I would say your best policy is to be honest and do not be selfish asking the poor man for his friendship. If you breakup with him he is out of your life forever, there is no second chances, there is no friendship, he's not going to be there when you're at home lonely on a Saturday night. If you are OK with that then it's time to end it but if you still want him in your life then you need to put a lot of work into rebuilding your relationship.

Relationships move through up and down fazes. People who have been together forever went through stages just like you but they simply found that weathering the storm and making it work was more desirable then not being together. You need to make that decision, but donít be wishy washy about it because you are dealing with human emotions and you could screw this guys life forever by stringing him along.
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Old 27th July 2010, 5:11 PM   #14
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I think you should bot sit down, have the discussion, be open and honest and decide that it's over.

The problem I seem to have with this thread and what you've said so far is that "I've fallen out of love", which seems like a very shallow understanding of your relationship. People typically don't just 'fall out of love' they grow apart, things change, personalities change, they decide their partner is holding them back or just isn't driving in the same direction. I think you need to dig deeper to really understand and be able to articulate clearly what it is that's driving you to apart and you forming this decision. Otherwise your showing a lot of disrespect to your partner who might not really see 'the end', but may be thinking it's just a phase that will pass. Otherwise, your next relationship will most likely go the same path.
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Old 27th July 2010, 5:14 PM   #15
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Originally Posted by hopesndreams View Post
I see myself checking out other men,

You have a particular one in mind dontcha?

I agree with DB. He deserves a great woman and you're not it.
I kind of resent this statement. I'm not a great woman because I've put six years into a relationship that is no longer working? That's kinda harsh, no? Why does there have to be judgments made on me? No, I don't have a particular one in mind, for your information. I've just noticed myself being more interested in other men. I haven't made any moves on anyone, if that's what you mean.

Are you saying that anyone that falls out of love isn't a great woman/man? Don't you think relationships are complicated? don't you think it's possible to lose that loving feeling? and i'm not really losing that loving feeling...I LOVE HIM but just not in the "I want to be in a relationship with you" type of LOVE. Am I supposed to stay in a relationship that is no longer meeting my needs (or his for that matter) because others will think I'm not a great woman? I appreciate feedback, yes, but these critical judgments are inappropriate and unnecessary. You don't know me, do you?
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