Can 13yrs be saved when she "falls out of love?"

[Half Full of Empty]

First time post so please go easy on me....

 

I am 33years old and my significant other is 34. We met at college and our relationship grew strength in the early days based on the agreed upon premise that "love was bull****" and that we, as best friends, should be together. What has taken place subsequently has been remarkable. We have been together for 13 years.

 

Recently, however, the law firm for which I work took a major downturn and the upheaval had a great impact on me and I shared all of that with her. The firm has survived, as has my career, however a change has occured at home.

 

Somewhere in the turmoil, she began reaching out to other (including a male friend ...she has always had male friends with whom she has shared love talk..I have always touted that my understanding and indiffernce to it is just evidence of our great relationship) Anyway, out of the blue I got the "I am confused and may need space" talk. No doubt I was probably exhibiting some self-loathing and otherissues based upon the career crisis, but I never saw this coming. i always thought what we had was bullet-proof. after all this is my best friend. Someone who "gets it" and knows we are soul-mates. Well, maybe not, eh?

 

So, Now we get to the area I am looking for insight. She has asked and recieved what I feel is a significant amount of "space" "time" and "understanding" She has gone on overnight retreats with friends and has gone on record as saying she is confused and doesn't know what she wants or needs. She says she loves me. However, she says this is more about her confusion about herself and what she really needs. She has asked that I "hang in there" and allow here to work through the feelings and that it will most likely "work itself out" The problem Im having is the "smothering" concept. While I am an extremely bright, loving and successful man, I find myself groveling ...whcih just seems to make it worse.

 

She has indicated, for instance, that the need for these overnights away was so that she could "miss me"

 

So heres my issue. I get it. I understand that by snivelling it can make it worse, but I cant help it. She keeps asking for more rope. First its "well Ill only be gone one night" then it becomes "well we're staying an extra day" and if i complain, Im the bad guy who feels like the father scolding the teenager...the key being Im the bad guy. An example...she'll say she need to go out with her partying friends (which she never did vefore) I say "yes" but please call to check in, but instead she doesn;t and when I call at say 1am she says Im staying over and if I say anything, Im being unreasonable and not gving her her time.

 

How do I break this cycle?

 

I love her. I believe she loves me and has not been unfaithful other than she has rebelled and gone out to dance, drink what have you (of course I could be naive but please stick with my assumption ...If im wrong then we have bigger issues)

 

What can I do or how should I act that conveys caring but allowance of this exploration..but without letting it go to far?

 

We are talking about a 34 yr old woman who was very much considering marriage (just cause) and pregnancy with me prior to the cancer. Now, after completeion of the hormonal therapy, (she also had chemo and radiation) the doc says procreate away. However, now she has reservations as "its not the time" "since we're fighting"

 

One other thing I should mention but haven;t so far as I didn't want it to be a red herring is that during all this she had herself a signficant "emotional affair" with co-worker with whom she had been friedn forever. Without going into the argument of whether or not it actually constuted one, I would say that the point is that she began sharing very intimate detals of our life including her unhappiness with this person and I had no idea. He became the shoulder to lean on during all of my troubles as I was unavailble. She insists she is not attracted to him sexually nor is she in love with him. In fact, to her credit, and after putting web-pages in front of supporting the theory, she has agreed to stop tlak ing to him (hwoever it should also be noted that she prmptly broke that promis and I caught her ina direct lie about it including that during the period)

 

For purposes of this inquiry I would ask that you look past that. I have chosen to. My ratinale is that it is entirely consistent with the girl I fell in love with and that it is that flirtatious and "guy best friend" nature in her that I would not want to extinguish. I am satisfied that there was no sex and that while she may have "feeling" for him, they are insignificant to those between us. Remember, this was the premise the whole thing was founded on...That tradional love and the notion that we have the "one and only" is a crock and that it is normal to want the "diet coke guy" and to recognize that is not only proper but healthy.

 

So, where does that leave us? Well, I have threatened to leave several times. Each time a revelation comes up I freak. examples include that she has lied about communications with this guy and others, that she may be "falling out of love" etc. It seems that each time, the remark is made and then I am asked to deal with it. I am told she loves me and is committed to trying to make things work.

 

however, i cant help ut feel she is hedging....sorta tyring to keep this 13yr investment where it is while she trys to figure out if any self-doubt or "grass is always greener" feelings she's having at 34 are worth making a major move like this. I have gone as far at looking at furnished places and shared that with her (as part of a "maybe a controlled agreed upon temp sep is needed) to which she got very upset. However, don't get me wrong. I love this person more than anything in the world. she means eveything to me. However, I am in great pain at the sight of what is clearly her confusion over her feelings for me. I dont want to be a smuck. I keep seeing that scene in I think its tarantino's "From Dusk til Dawn" where the couple is kidnapped but the wife falls for the perp and the husband winds up witnessing their sex multilpe time while tied up and gagged and being asked to deal with it or else. (he ultimately hangs himself) I feel like she is asking me to stick around and allow her to go out and work things out while it is entirely possible that she returns a verdit of "thanks for the time, although I said I was committed to us and repaireding what we have...I decided it wont work..bye"

 

So what do I do? when I show affection (despite the pain) I seem to be viewed with some ambivelance and the "oh here's needy again..what does he need now" but if I argue or speak my mind she retreats to "fine, I guess Im just a mean horrible person and its useless." In other words, while I really want to explore ehy she lied to me about her communications with buy after promising not to, if I ask, it get hairy and she's ready to end it all.

 

What should I do? I have thought about leaving in the hopes that, indeed, she will come around and "miss me" remember I beleive she really loves me. She is an extremely bright college grad from an Ivy league school who followd me out here to law school without being asked to do so because she unilaterally decided "we were meant to be together: despite me being ina long term relationship at the time.

 

I don't look at the thoughts, fears or concerns she is experiencing as deal-breakers. However, If she has truly fallen out of love...well ****...I cant explain it...never saw it and will be irreparably harmed. She is everything to me. At the same time, I knew what I was getting, I guess. She is extremely bright and, for better or worse, is built to consider this stuff. however, we also just laighed that it was for others. that we were above it. Tonight , I feel very much below it. Sorry for the long post, but if you choose to anssewr and want to narrow the scope please fouce on the questions surrounding what my approach should be at this point assumigng Im willing to swallow a little pride in the name of true love that has run aground. How do I act? I fear Im looking like a puppy dog and thats not attractive and, in fact, quite desperate. How do I get past this? 13 years was not an accident. I have never been with anyone else (although could have been) and I do not believe she has (although thats another problem..I had placed this whole thing up on such a pedestal that the situation has created additonal problems as I have had to deal with the "what else was I wrong about" issue. Where I was always complimented as being so trusting (guys would say you let her hug guys like that) I reveled in it. Bow, I a jealous guy who is too smart for his own good and is suspicious of everything. any hep would be appreciated.

 

Again, I love her and have decided to do whatever I can to try and make it work to the extent I am capable. I do not want to lok back and say "what if"

 

Should I move out and chance that this wll just make things worse (historically she gets very jealous of me traveling, etc)

 

Should I continue to put my smile on? hope that she comes around?

 

Should I stop the dad routine and if she's going out not call not ask questions, etc?

 

Thank you

 

Pessimistic Optimist

 

p.s. sorry for the typos...was stream of consciouness

[Half Ful of Empty]

After reading couple of other threads, i thought I would add a couple of facts that may cause some to see this hypo differently...

 

This is not a college romance. although it is true that we met and fell in love at undergrad university, she followed me to the west coast where I attended law school and she began her own career (of which she is sufficiently challenged, over all pleased, but underpaid for her talent)

 

We have lived together since 1992 with three cats. We share and commingle all finances. I have life insurance policies on my life with her as beneficiary. Bottom line: There are logistical issues surrounding the possibility of either of us leaving. (Not to mention the social aspects...i.e. "who gets what friends?")

 

As such, we have tried to keep this from anyone. Although she has shared all (IMHO too much) info with a select few female friends and the one male mentioned, our network of close friends remains kinda in the dark but they must have their suspicions.

 

So the purpose of the supplemental post is to say, does it make any difference that so much has been invested in this union? Should that make one feel obliged to give it more of a chance than a simple 1yr college thing? (note: no offense intended)

 

Thank you in advance for you consideration and, hopefully, responses. They will be greatly appreciated. I love her and want to do the right thing but not at the expense of "me" if I can help it.

[HokeyReligions]

You sound like you are spinning out of control. I would recommend that you concentrate on YOU right now. The issues you are talking about are not her issues - she's already expressed the need to work her issues out for herself, and you need to do the same.

 

I strongly urge you to get some counseling with a good therapist or psychiatrist who can help you sort out your feeling about her and the relationship (two different things here) and about your own self.

 

Did I read your post correctly - you are an attorney? Went to law school? The legal field is a net of very structured paths and procedures holding inside caos. As an attorney it is your job to ferret out the facts and precedents of each case and make enough sense of the turmoil to base solid decisions on.

 

A good psychiatrist does the same thing. They use proven techniques and they listen with a trained ear and can hear things you don't even know you said. They help you put a net over those feelings that are spinning around, and they help you make sense of them and from there you are able to make the decisions that are best for you.

 

Get some counseling for yourself to help you deal with all of this. I'm sure you know that no one can give you a specific answer because we only know what you have posted and that is only the surface - we can't know everything we need to know, and I don't know about the others on this board, but I am not a trained counselor and even if I were, I would never counsel specifics over the internet.

 

It doesn't mean your relationship is over. It sounds like you two have been through a lot together and there is a lot to build on - but just suppose you get some help, and maybe she will get some help for herself too. Then suppose you get some couples counseling to help with the relationship and after a while you emerge on the other side of this crisis with a stronger relationship than you ever imagined. That could happen - it happened with my marriage. We both went through a very painful period where we didn't think we would make it together and I was spinning out of control too - and scared and worried about being alone, but we emerged from that stronger than before. Neither of us could have done it without help though. If you have an EAP thru your employer - use it. If not, find some conseling for yourself -- you will feel so much better and more in control of YOUR life. It's a positive move.

 

good luck

[quankanne]

sounds to me that at age 34, she's doing some serious evaluation of her life. 13 years is a long time to be in a relationship with someone, but I think that when life throws you a whammy like dealing with cancer, then you find that there is someone else you can find emotional satisfaction with that's not your mate, you start to wonder about all the things you thought you had "figured out," like traditional relationships being a "crock of sh•t" -- things that happen to anyone at any given time.

 

If it's space that she needs, then you need to honor that request, even as you feel like you're dying inside. A lot of times in this forum people have pointed out that space = death of a relationship, but in fairness to the person who requested it, it's also a something needed.

 

Hokey's suggested therapy/counselling, and I second that opinion. Until you figure out what's going on with YOU, you really can't begin to resolve the issues that are going on around you.

 

good luck,

quank

[Just A Girl2]

Regardless of what she's "going through", her behavior to you and your relationship is disrespectful and insensitive. She's 34 years old and her way of "attaining space" is by staying out all night (God only knows where), or for a few days at a time, with "partying friends"? Sounds like she just wants to have her cake and eat it too. She wants ol' familiar and comfortable YOU, to just sit around in limbo, staying true to her, but she also wants to have freedom that exceeds that in a relationship, to come and go as she pleases. What a crock.

 

If you are concerned for her whereabouts when she doesn't come home and you call her, she gets all snotty with you and makes you feel like you're smothering you. If you show her any affection, she accuses you of "needing something" (therefore, being needy).

 

She turns to another guy to share very private and personal details about your relationship/how she feels. She's lied about communication with him.

 

I think you are being extremely naive to be so sure that she's not been intimate with him (or someone else). Sometimes a person has to put 2 and 2 together and add things up. Where is she sleeping these nights she doesn't come home? Geez, doesnt' she have a job that she has to go to daily? Where is all this time for partying and overnight outings?

 

She is hurting you. Period.

 

You wrote:

 

We have lived together since 1992 with three cats. We share and commingle all finances. I have life insurance policies on my life with her as beneficiary. Bottom line: There are logistical issues surrounding the possibility of either of us leaving. (Not to mention the social aspects...i.e. "who gets what friends?")

 

I think it's silly to stay with someone who's treating your poorly all because you commingle your finances. What does it take to split things up? Nothing. So what, she's the beneficiary on your life insurance policy. Surely you can have her removed from that, and switched to someone else (parent, relative, etc). Do you own a home together? I didn't get the impression that you did (or I figure you'd have mentioned it above).....so it's definitely not difficult for you to separate, if that's what you want/feel is right.

 

As for the "who gets the friends" issue.....that is such a tiny issue to be concerned with. Just because you separate (for whatever length of time, or permanently), who says you're going to have to split up mutual friends? This seems like a pretty silly consideration, to me.

 

Just out of curiosity, does she work? Or do you support her?

 

I am of the belief that if someone is part of a relationship and their partner gives the ol' "I need space" speech, then fine, give them space. But total space. Too many people, like your g/f, toss that line around but all the while use it as a handy way of keeping someone waiting in the wings while they're out there having fun and not really having to be accountable to their partner.

 

How is nights spent away from home, God knows where, out partying, and confiding in some other guy going to be the ticket to you both working things out? How is "this" sort of crap helping her confusion?

 

I say buck up and give her her space........one of you move out. You should not have to live your life in turmoil, wondering each night if she's going to be coming home or not...wondering where she is, what she's doing, who she's with. This is BS. It's the epitome of disrespect to you, and after 13 yrs together, she owes you much more respect.

 

Just my thoughts.

[midori]

Hi,

 

It sounds like you've grown accustomed to your relationship being structured in a certain way, and that your life and outlook have been organized accordingly. Perfectly natural. But now it looks like the structure of your relationship isn't so good for your gf. That's OK, doesn't mean the relationship itself is doomed. It's not surprising, after what she's been through with cancer. And people naturally grow and change.

 

So basically you're faced with a shifting paradigm, and it's not clear yet what new form it will take. Since it's her doubts and confusion and need to explore that is driving the shift, you might feel like you can do nothing but wait and see what will happen. Or that your role during this transition is to sit tight and campaign for a return to "normalcy" and the status quo.

 

But it doesn't have to be that way. You too can explore things, examine your assumptions about yourself, your life, and the relationship. Check out things that have piqued your interest in the past but you never pursued because they didn't seem to fit into the way your life was structured.

 

I know, you liked the structure. But since this has descended upon you, why not make the most of the opportunity it presents? It will, at a minimum, stop you from feeling like you're stuck in helpless limbo.

 

I propose that you have a sit-down with your girlfriend. Tell her that since change is in the air, you're going to do some exploring and assessment yourself. See if you two can agree on some ground rules. For example, reaching out to other people, establishing new ties and friendships is acceptable, but you're each responsible for being aware of things taking a romantic turn with another person.

 

When she goes away with her friends, you don't have to sit at home by yourself. Oh, but who's going to take care of the cats? Work that out -- and let her know that she's equally responsible for making arrangements for their care. Her need to explore and question should not put any extra burden on you.

 

Maybe you'll just go camping by yourself, or maybe you'll go visit a family member half-way across the country. It's not about duplicating what she's doing activity-wise. It's about using this time to ask your own questions and discover your own new connections and interests. You didn't seek out this opportunity, but since it's being presented to you, why waste it?

 

Quackanne's suggestion to see a counselor is a very good one.

 

Good luck.

[Half Full of Empty]

First, I would like to thank those have responded for taking the time. It is extremely kind of you and I really do appreciate it.

 

The consensus seems to be that if asked for space, one should provide it and that anything else would, in fact, be counterproductive. The problem I have is being asked to weather it while still cohabitating. Making things worse is that, logistically, it would be difficult to just up and go. This is especially true since I really want it to work.

 

I fear that moving out (which she does not want) may trigger a sort of self-fulfilling prophecy. While I appreciate the advice that her continued fidelity may be a myth ,I don’t believe she would do that UNLESS we broke up. Like so many other posters (btw, I stayed up all night reading the posts) my suspicion and fear has caused me to ask questions that challenge her commitment and tend to come out like ultimatum. If she is unable to arrive a satisfactory explanation, she saying something like, “well there you go…I guess I’m just a bad evil person.” As such, I am afraid that separating may result in her actually embracing that attitude and locking me out even more.

 

I will be seeing her today and all weekend, but not alone, as we are attending an event with our friends. I will be sure to check in for any additional advice. Thanks again for all of your support.

[Half Full of Empty]

A bit of an update. While we got through the weekend pretty well while away from home with friends, upon our return there was kind of a let down. I realize thats typical. Right now, however, I feel that our relationship is, although we are still living together, sorta in state of limbo and could go either way at any time.

 

To my detriment, she seems to associate all of the negative little things in life to me. What do I mean by this? I get the feeling that as we go forward with this sorta "probationary" period, she is weighing the pros and cons of leaving and that that analysis includes more than just me. Running away would be leaving behind the mundane everyday things that now seem to add up. Chores, errands, paying bills, taking the car to the shop, picking up dry cleaining etc. are now appear to be part of "my world" that could all be left behind for the much "greener grass" elsewhere. I know that these are things we all have to deal with whereever we are, but I can see how one could associate them with a particular person or situation and think that it all might be better on your own.

 

 

We have decided to stay together for now and try to work through it. I have told her I am open to couples counseling. She has said, let's see how it goes. My feeling is to try and stay away from the serious conversations for a couple weeks and see if we just can't exists in a normal state (this has simply not been possible due to our careers, etc for the past month) and see if some natural healing occurs and then revisit the topic (including how to proevent it again..once I feel that the slighest little thing wont't sink us in this precarious state)

 

Any advice on how to proceed in the coming days? Any traps I should look out for? Am I going about it the wrong way?

 

Thanks in advance. Your advice and support is greatly appreciated.

[julieg]

the way i see it, she is bored with her life (to which you are are significant part of) and socially and to an extent emotionally stuck at age 20-23 yrs. she definately seeks out something she percieves she has "missed out on" whether or not it is true.

 

also she is at the age that professional career women start to seriously settle down. she seems to be very confused between the "married setup" with you and sowing her oats so to speak. we women who have put starting a family into our 30's get very nervous to find out we have are not with mr. right yet . it takes a year to have a child and the closer to 40 you get the more problems there are. pregnancy testing for problems is "standard" at age 35 nowadays.

 

you are being taken for granted all around. why dont you start going out with friends and family. taking a trip sounds like an excellent idea. start socializing with people after work- preferably people she does not know well. you need to have a strong presence in the world right now without her.

you may want to keep a journal of your feelings--especially the negative aspects of her and the relationship. there is a chance that 20 years from now after you are married with a family and someone else, you will look back with what if regrets. leave no regrets in life!

 

i heard once that it takes 1/2 the life of a relationship to get over it. don't expect this to be easy.

[half empty update]

She and I have separated. I have moved out leaving her with my home and all of the belongings. I have secured 'corporate housing' which has everything on a month-month basis.

 

I am not happy, yet trying to to deal. I have taken the advice given here and have sought the assistance of a psychiatrist and a therapist to take care of ME. Unfortunately, she will not talk with me. As such, I am trying to simply work on myself, as suggested here, and move forward. However, after two weeks, i can't help but think I am losing her. I believe she is seeking solice with another man (although perhaps without sex). I do not know what to do. I am respecting the decision to break all contact.

 

What can I do, at this point? I want to get her back. Is there anything I can do to show her? Or perhaps other advice? Yourf help is greatly appreciated. I am feeling really bad and could use any advice. Thanks in advance.

[my_mother's_daughter]

Hi there,

 

Sorry to hear about all this. Sounds like you've had one hell of a period of confusion, hurt, stress and anxiety. Not good..

 

I came to this post late, and obviously there is no longer any point giving advice on your initial problem. In your post today, you ask what you can you do now? How can you get her back? I'm going to tell you what you don't want to hear, but you already know. There's absolutely nothing you can do at this time to get her back. If it's 'herself' she needs to find, then she will no doubt change in her journey to discover this. If it's you specifically she wanted to leave, then she has achieved this end already.

 

You suspect she may be with someone else, this is of course a possibility, and one I imagine is central to your thoughts right now...

 

People change, and over time they come to want other things and the hardest thing in life to accept is that there is absolutely NOTHING you can do about it. Severing contact in this case will make life easier (for your ex especially...) and will avoid confrontations and those kind of "scenes" that are just too painful , but I wouldn't hope too highly that it will effect a reunion. Too much water has passed under the bridge here it seems to me.

 

I believe you need time to get over this, 13 years is a long time, but you're not the only one out there. Get on with your life. If she comes back, she comes back, if she doesn't, I'm sorry but life will go on around you just the same, another truth that stings.

[my_mother's_daughter]

BTW, my foot quotes may appear contradictory to my opinion on your situation(!) but they are intended as life motivation, not relationship advice...

 

You seem like a nice guy, you gave her space and you gave her time, I really hope that you are OK, and remember you can post here anytime for support.

x

[mattdad]

Buddy, I feel for you! You don't know where to begin, or what to do...but all I can say is that there is hope, and as Scarlett said in Gone With the Wind, "Tomorrow is another day!"

It's 3 AM where I live and I am going through precisely the same situation. When a woman tells you she loves you but is not IN love with you, along with the trips and such, you must reach the inescapable conclusion that what once was will never be again, and the once-secure future is suddenly shaky. It seems your self-fulfilling prophecy is happening, much as you feared - however, you can reclaim that which was yours.

Like you, I gave away much of my soul and power to my lady, only to be unappreciated and shut out. Being a wuss simply does not work! At least this time she didn't get all I had to give (this is far from my first break-up!).

For me, anger is much more motivating than depression. Get angry with the world, God, other attorneys and especially her! Get your house back! If she wants to find herself, then let her do it in her own place!!!! Then, get your life together and start seeing other women - remember, there are only five BILLION other women in the world to choose from; kind of like a super smorgasboard.

You won't want to do this - but you MUST do it!!! the greatest revenge is living your life to the fullest, and who knows, when she discovers that you don't NEED her, then I GUARANTEE it will make her want you more than the way you are right now!

And if not, so what? You'll be that much more attractive for the next lady that comes along.

Good luck and let us know how it's going...

[Half Full of Empty]

Thanks for the advice. I have secured temporary "corporate housing" which I recommend to folks in this type of situtation as it is not only fully furnished but literally has everything you need (e.g. linens, towels, cookware, etc) A trip to the grocery store was all that was needed.

 

Anyway, one of my biggest problems is that when the bomb was dropped, there was no explanation nor parameters set for the separation. As such, I feel as though I am just bumping around in limbo-world and learning (the hard way) what I is allowed and what is not. (i.e. how long, rules re: seeing others...what about friends, family, etc?) This has been difficult to a guy who always needs a plan. So, at the advice of my therapist, I am just going to create my own and follow it. However, I intend to continue to make no contact.

 

In so doing, I have found myself slipping into the "anger" mode because it does seem to offer some sense of control that I otherwise wouldn't have. I don't know if its healthy, but it has helped me take the steps need to keep going at work, etc.

What I'm most angry about is the way this has been done, rather than that it has occurred.

 

I have been diagnosed with depression and being treated by a Psychiatrist and Psychologist. It is odd, but will do my best to look past the stigma and actively participate in the hope it will be of assistance.

 

I believe that the depression no doubt played a role in the declining nature of the relationship, but remain bitter at the lack of communication on her part that anything was wrong. This was, evidently, brought on by the upheaval and anxiety at my work (which has all since subsided). I just think after 13 years, the situation deserved to be treated with respect and attempts should have been made to remedy it within the parameters of the relationship first.

 

I just don't see how no contact works. I do have friends who have been relaying news and information, no doubt. However, that has created a bit of an awkward situation in and of itself. In particular, she and I have one very close friend who has continued to act as a sorta "go-between" but I can't help but feel that he tells her everything and me very little in return and that, ultimately, her comfort level is all that is being helped. I know that she continually has asked for updates and when I cannot be located, on occasion, has asked him to try and track me down in the name of "I'm just worried about him." Any thoughts on this? Has anyone else had difficulty dealing with a middle-man or woman? Actually, this might be a good topic for a separate thread or perhaps one already exists?

 

Thanks again for all of your kind words and support. It's truly appreciated and I will update again soon.

[Tree]

Hello there. I've been reading this string with interest. You have been very forthright about your feelings and I believe that is brave and insightful on your part. Kudos to you for flushing out your feelings during this emotionally turbulent time. It better to express and cope than to stew, and yoru reaching out is healthy.

 

I am writing from a female perspective - one who may be going through something like your GF. Iam 30 in a 5 year relationship. My BF has been working 80 hour weeks for 4 years and the stress has taken its toll. After feeling neglected, I began to look differently at myslef and "us." Basically, I started to feel more like a "me" cohabitating but living separate lives - with another individual. I still think that we could make it if we both commit to working on it. The problem is timing. And perhaps, admittedly, my maturity level.

 

4 years ago, I dropped everything - friends, family, job- to move in with BF in a far-off city. It was rough at first, then got better, then he was hardly around (emotionally and otherwise) due to work. I began to think my 'real' life was somewhere else. We lacked communication. I had physical commitment from him, but we lacked intimacy, communication. I felt like he did not really know me, and when I asked him about his thoughts he said that very lilttle was going on in there. After much time not tending the garden, weeds begin to grow - in a matter of speaking. In essence, I felt lonely sleeping in the same bed with him. I wanted something else - and I guess a part of me also felt that I wanted to experience other things b/c before I met him, I was inexperienced in the relationship area. And my feeling of loneliness and isolation stirred up that latent feeling.

 

Now, after planning to and then applying to law schools, I am on the eve of making my decision on where to attend. After a year of dodging conversations about this, last month he finally opened his eyes to the fact that I was on my way to making a big decision that did not involve. To his credit, even though his job is still as demanding as ever, he is trying hard (I can tell) to make the relationship work. (Jeez, if only this happend 6 months ago - BEFORE law school apps were due! Then I might have considered applying to schools in the same area. But as it was, it seemed like it was not worth it for me to make him #1 priority. Ah, timing, timing...)

 

I'm not sure what to do, since there are a lot of conversations to be had in order to make him a higher priority than a profession....

 

Anyway, in looking for ways to resolve our relationship issues, I came across some good web sites. If you want to know what makes a relationship work, study healthy relationships!

 

By the way, 10 years ago I also suffered from depression. What got me out was a similar approach to the concept of happiness. I read a book called 'The Happy Person' (pub 1973?) (bear with the title, please which studied folks who overcame overcame depression or hardships. In addition, positive psychology is a term that is used to study healthy or well adapted, resilient folks - and what thoughts and behavior determines their positive mental state. I find that quite helpful. (Sometimes focusing on books about depression are, well, quite frankly depressing.)

 

But whatever you end up doing with your life, I realize that change is stressful. The longer the area is without change, the harder it is! Some of what you are feeling is probably natural - it seems like your life has gone through many large and stressful changes lately.

 

Hang in there!

 

(By the way, after some time, when you have refound yourself (it takes time, but trust me - it will happen!) let other folks know how you did it. Others may find it helpful to know what works.

[Half Full of Empty]

I just wanted to say thanks to all that have posted replies. I especially appreciate getting the female persepctive on the situation.

 

I do believe that part of the cause for our current predicament is the fact that a stressful job situation and my inability to to cope properly led her to look carefully at herself and reach out to other sand feel that independence. And, I believe it felt good. Not necessarily because she didn't love me any longer, but rather because it just felt a lot better than dealing with me in a very difficult time. In fairness, she claims I was "pushing her away" by not sharing all the day-to-day drama that was going on at work during my firms near-death experience. However, in retrospect, I feel I did share (everything) at first, but eventually needed to come home and NOT talk about it in order to get away from it myself. Anyway, I have started to revisit some of these things in the hope to learn from them and will continue to share them here in the hope that others may benefit too. Thanks again.

[mattdad]

I'm glad you're gaining a better perspective on the relationship - this is also helpful...

I've had to reconsider what my expectations are in this relationship. We sometimes take for granted that people's needs and expectations remain stagnant even while the person evolves in his or her life. Not true!!!

I have determined that I can live with a new set of parameters, and we're both still feeling out the new arrangement. So far, so good...

Perhaps this may be of assistance to you and your lady. Good luck...!

[Half Full of Empty]

I thought I might provide another quick update as we come to the end of another week. I have been working hard to keep myself busy. Between long hours at the firm, working out at the fitness center at my new place and cooking and eating healthy, it seems to be helping. We did have a bit of semi-drama when the two of us ran into one another at a mutual hang-out. This despite the fact that I had called the whole Scooby gang who coes there on Wednesdays that I was coming. Was very interesting to see her after no contact for three weeks. Both of us handled it pretty well and, in fact, wound up speaking via phone subsequent to the encounter for about 90 minutes. The conversation was kept mostly superficial and focused on logistical issues (i.e. finances, etc) and I even got to hear my cats meow! (As an aside, she may entertain a kitty visitation at the house with a mutual friend acting as chaperon and her elsewhere)

 

The only troubling part came when she indciating she was considering moving somewhere else. She cited the fact that I was getting a "fresh perspective" while she had to reamin in the home surrounded by the world we created, thereby creating difficulty for her. I sure wish she had told me this prior to going through all the effort to get the temporary housing I now have. We have a gorgeous beachhouse overlooking the pacific ocean and I thought I was doing the right thing to leave and give her "her space." So now I don't know what to do. I told her I would prefer that we continue as is for a set length of time at whcih we could reevaluate. In the interim, I can continue to contribute to expenses and we don't divide anything unless and until we know renconcilliation is not possible. This contemplated move would seem to frustrate that plan, to say the least. I should mention that she reiterated that she has not ruled out reconcilliation, however if it happened it would be "starting over" and "a whole new thing." Any thoughts?

[Tree]

Hm... the first thing that comes to mind is offering a dwelling 'switch.'

 

But first, let me elaborate on an analogy (i.e. cooky idea)

 

You have "moved" in several areas of your life. You have moved physically from your beach house. You have moved beyond your "ex." You are moving back into your connection with yourself. You are going through a lot of changes right now, and common wisdom suggests that it can take at least a couple of weeks to start regaining your identity as an individual.

 

And yeah, thinking about the past is always seductive. "I should have" is a common echo in the halls of regret. I am facing this myself. But it doesn't help matters to look backward while your life moves inevitably forward.

 

Take a good look at your present situation, close your eyes and allow yourself to envision where you want to be 6 months - to a year from now (emotionally, physically, financially or whatever the concerns may be). It may take a week or so go figure this out. Let yourself dream a little. Develop a vision of who you want to be. Make this vision significant, make it stand out, give it real definition. By giving this vision real definition, it will serve as that "picture on your mirror," and will embody your major goals.

 

Once you know that, start figuring out how to get there. Example, if your goal is emotional, your goals can be both quali- and quantitative. Feeling good about yourself, being happy with yourself unattached to a s.o., feeling ready to date again, going out on 1 date/month, getting back into dating scene with help of friends, hosting a party, etc. Keeping a journal will help, too.

 

The point is - once you know what your BIG goals are, you can make decisions based on how that fits into your BIG priorities. That may help you hone your vision more appropriately. While doing this help or hinder my progress? Or, does it do niether (in which case, it is a minor detail and should not occupy your time or energy).

 

So, going back to my original thought - your present situation may be one of disorientation since you have moved into so many new areas of your life. Allow yourself a little time to let an idea of your BIG goals to rise to the surface. Then, make your decisions based on how these relate to your big goals. And because we are all inevitably 'moving' forward with our lives, keep your eye on the future rather on the past.

 

I think that is a wise way to live.

 

-Tree (who is trying to live up to her own words!)

[Half Full of Empty]

I just wanted to update those who have been reading about my situation.

 

Its now been over a month and a half since I left our home. It also marks the one month anniversary of moving into temporary furnished "corporate housing."

 

Things have gotten better for me. I continue to treat for depression and am seeing a psychologist weekly. I have been working out twice a day and eating well (and lost about 15 pounds in a healthy way...not starving) I genuinely feel better about myself and no longer feel the hopelessness that I did. So, I once again want to thank those who advised that I needed to work on myself first and foremost. It was good advice.

 

As for my significant other, contact has been minimal until recently (I'll get to that in a second) and been confined to financial matters, etc. Furthermore, none was initiated by me as I have respected her request for no contact.

 

Two weeks ago, however, she contacted me and we had a nice conversation and agreed that increased communication going forward was okay within certain parameters (e.g. possible visits by invitation, no late hour phone calls, etc) So, during the last two weeks, she has called more often while I have chosen to keep to a minimum. I have been extremely busy at work as well, so haven't had much time to think through what it all means or if reconciliation would even be good at this point.

 

Then, she called to tell me that she and our friends had decided to have a Labor Day weekend beach thing at our house on Saturday and that I was invited. Well, I hadn't been back since I left and hadn't seen her in over a month. So, I thought it all sounded like a bit much and told her that I thought we might should see each other before doing group things. So, Friday, she called and we discussed sitting down over a cup of coffee, lunch or dinner just to get that awkward first meeting out of the way. She volunteered to come over to may place (which surprised me) The 90 minute meeting was a little awkward, but went okay. We hugged and said goodbye. It was good.

 

So....I went Saturday. I went early and had the chance to see my Kittens! In addition, there were a number of things in the place that needed my attention. So did those prior to folks coming over. The party was fun and all had a nice time and I was there til late to help clean up, etc. (but did not spend the night) It was very nice. The strangest part was how the awkwardness level diminished as the hours passed. By the time I left, it felt weird to do so! Lots of hugging, kissing, etc. Almost got out of hand, but was for the best that it didn't, I think. Although we both conceded that the arousal levels are on high these many days of abstinence and it was suggested that we might possibly even plan a "date" sometime soon to address that issue. We'll see.

 

I went again yesterday, to complete a house project I began that day, but didn't stay too long. But still, after over a month, three visits four days.

 

So, there's your update. I still can't say whats going to happen. I told her that even if she asked me to come home right now that I would have to say, "no." Thats not say I don't ultimately want that, but Im still working on me and, to be quite honest, I would need some answers about what has happened and why to make feel comfortable going forward and that it won't happen again. Oh I forgot to mention that neither of us are seeing others at this point.

 

Have other folks gone though this sort of thing? Any advise as to how to allow it to grow (if its meant to be) without forcing it or ruining it? As I said, I still love her. However she hurt me and I hurt her. My hope is to take it slow and I like the idea of dating for awhile before making any more decisions. I still don't know if getting back together is the right thing. I just want the best for BOTH of us, and I want to give 13 years a real chance before casting it aside. I now think she wants that too.

 

Any advise on how to proceed would be appreciated! Thanks again for your support.

[mattdad]

You have quite a handle on things, and aren't setting yourself up for further pain and humiliation. You're not willing to sell yourself out for her sake, and that's an enormous step!

Hopefully in time the hurt you both caused might be replaced by forgiveness. If that happens you two have a real shot at making it. Best of luck!