Ten-year relationship...don't know what to do...

[TAWNYA]

Well I really don't know what to say or do anymore, this is the first time I have really ever talked about my situation.

 

I have been with my boyfriend for almost 10 years now and we do not have any children and are Not Married, he is 24yrs and I am 25 yrs going on 26yrs. My problem is that he just does not want to commit to me and when I ask him if and when we are going to get married he simply tells me he doesn't know.

 

Lately I feel he is spending time with his friends and not enough with me, he says that I complain too much about him going out 2-4 times weekly. I just feel so hurt that he would rather spend time with his friends who would turn around and stab him in the back the first chance they get . I think maybe its because he doesn't love me anymore yet he does sometimes tell me that he does but only if I tell him first, so I am very confused and sad and don't know what to do.

I think that when he tells me he doesn't know when he wants us to get married I feel like that is telling me he doesn't plan on being with me 2 or 3 yrs down the road.

 

Sometimes I lay awake at night and think of reason why we have been together so long, and to be honest I don't know, I do care for him and when I think about us I always include both of us in the future but I don't know if he is thinking or feeling the same way. We were planning on moving out together again and now it just is happening he does live with his family and I thought that he wanted to get out and be a grown up. He doesn't invite me to his family functions and when i ask him to go with me to mine the answer is always No. Am I trying to be his mom or girlfriend? I tell him his girlfriend . When I talk about this I feel hurt and sad and I know that it is not normal or that is what I think.

 

please any advice

[clia]

I'm sorry, but it doesn't sound like you have much of a relationship with this guy. Look at what you posted objectively:

 

1. He goes out with his friends 2-4 times a week

2. He does not invite you to family functions and does not go with you to yours

3. You have been together for 10 years, and there is no future talk coming from his side

4. He only tells you he loves you if you tell him first

 

These are all huge, huge red flags. Cumulatively, it makes the situation even worse. A relationship is about sharing, being in love, being a part of each other's lives. You don't seem to have much of that from what you posted. I actually can't believe you've been able to hang in there for this long. I know I would be outrageously upset if my boyfriend treated me this way.

 

I think it's time for you to cut bait. Don't look at all the time you have spent with him as an excuse to stay in a relationship where your needs obviously aren't being met. This is a hard situation, and will likely be very difficult for you, but you deserve better. There is a better man out there who will spend time with you, bring you around his family, tell you he loves you, and more importantly, want to marry you.

[Tony T]

You started dating this guy when you were a very young girl. I think it's time you started dating other people. In my opinion, you don't have a relationship here at all. I think you're old enough now to know that. The thought of moving on may be frightening to you, but it should be even more scary for you to think about being in an empty, unfulfilling partnership for the rest of your life.

 

It's a big world out there and there's a lot of life to live. You may have missed on a lot having been seeing this man so long. Life is nothing more than many sets of experiences. Take the time while you're young to experience many of the things you feel you may have missed.

 

You also know lots more about life and relationships now. Take some time for yourself and then set out to find a lifetime mate with the incredible knowledge you have accumulated. I know that may sound cold...that you very much love the many you've dedicated ten years of your life to...but love is only a small (albeit significant) part of a successful relationship. There's a lot in yours that's obviously missing.

 

You should rejoice that your time with him has lasted this long. There are lots of people who are married and divorced two and three times in ten years.

[TAWNYA]

Well I know that is is best for both of us to go our seperate ways and I just hope that I can do it this time. It the past I have left for weeks, even months. I do know that it is obvious that he doesnt want to be in this relationship and I'm trying to deal with that but it is just hard when he calls me weeks latter and trys to talk with me and asks me how I'm doing and if I am happier without him? Usually when he asks me that I do tell him I love and care for him and he does tell me the same.

 

Do you think he just does not want to grow up or is it because he thinks since we were together so young he feels like he didnt get to do all the things he should have? Iam so confused I know that I should be treated with respect and treated the way I deserve. Sometimes I think he treats me like crap because I do, do alot of things for him like, buy him clothes, clean , make dinner and I do tell him that I love him almost everyday. I guess what I'm doing is trying to make excuses but I do care for him still and I probably will always care for him I guess I'm just hopeing that he will change!

[Tony T]

You can care about somebody...love them...with all your heart but still not be able to have a satisfactory relationship with them. You can hope forever that he will change...and he very well may...and probably in ways you will dislike even more.

 

Why don't you try counselling. This is a rather unusual situation. You simply got involved way too long and have been together a very long time. There is simply no way I can tell from my computer screen if this can be put back togehter but a competent therapist can do a good job of that.

 

Does he even want to stay together? Yeah, it's real nice to hear him say he loves you on the phone now and then, but the day to day interaction between the two of you sucks!

[Tony T]

When replying to a post, please hit the "Reply" button (below right) rather than the "New Topic" button. It makes life a lot easier not having to merge threads, delete repeated posts, etc.

 

Many kind thanks!!!

[midori]

I agree with the others that you seem to be clinging to the remnants of a relationship that has dragged on for far too long.

 

When you break up with someone there are different phases you'll each go through. Sometimes the timing of those phases will coincide, sometimes not. One of the phases for many people is a sense of defeated loneliness. It doesn't hit right away, usually a few months after the break has occurred. You haven't met anyone else (yet) and you're lonely and thinking "maybe things weren't so bad with my ex. Why did we break up? I forget. Well it wouldn't hurt to call ..."

 

That's not a good reason for getting back together. That represents a step back, not forward.

 

It's not the same as saying, "my god, I've made a terrible mistake. I must get back together with my ex because he/she is x, y, and z and those things are sooo important to me. What was I thinking?"

 

It's hard to let go of a relationship, especially one that has been with you your entire adult life and much of your adolescence. But it seems like you've outgrown it, and so perhaps has he. Don't try to second guess what he might be thinking, why he's not willing to commit, etc. You're flogging a dead horse -- it ain't gonna move no matter how much effort you put into rousing it.

 

End the relationship. Make it clear that you don't want to hear from him when he's lonely or doubtful. Not because you don't care but because you can't afford to have your own recovery derailed. And if he does get in touch to see if you're happier without him, know that the right response will be no response at all. If he has second (third, sixth, twelfth) thoughts about the relationship he doesn't need to share them with you. The thing about breaking up is that you have to let go in order to really do it.

 

It's hard to let go of something that has become familiar and safe, even if you know it's for the best. That's why some people break up by either cheating or by moving directly into a new relationship. So some people have to set the relationship on fire in order to ensure they move away. That brings on a host of other problems and lots of bad feelings. So be glad, at least, that although your task is difficult, it's not as bad as it could be.

[moimeme]

That a person tells you "I love you" doesn't mean much if he doesn't follow it with action. There could be a million reasons people say this but often you have to wonder if they really know what 'love' is supposed to mean. It sure does not mean leading separate lives but having sex.

 

You will care for and even love a lot of people in your life, but that doesn't mean you are supposed to live with every one of them. In fact, it is often much easier to love people you don't live with!

 

If you break up and he calls to tell you he loves and misses you, remember that he did not show his 'love' by including you in his life, by going out of his way to do loving things, by spending time with you when you asked him to.