Interesting story to say the least

[ai75]

Hi all. Long post but worth the read. I left my job last August and started soul searching. Went on a mini-sabbatical to Europe with my buddy from high school - Netherlands then Italy, 1 month total.

 

Small seaside town, having drinks at the only bar there. Two attractive girls join our table (some guy we met invited them over). One saw me earlier, said "Hi" VERY flirtatiously... I'm shy by nature so I said "Hi" and kept walking. Once they come over, she sits practically between my legs and hits on me without mercy... turned me off... to forward for my taste. I started talking to her friend for a minute or two, some guy they met there is also with them.

 

We all leave, sit on some giant rocks by the sea, and her friend kisses me. We go at it for a good while, its really late, she asks that my buddy and I join them the next day to a new city. We agree to rendezvous in the morning, she stands me up at our meeting point, but we run into each other at the train station and off the 4 of us go... 10 days all over the country. BJ the next night (says no sex, she's at the end of her cycle), sex the rest of the time. Amazing time. Her friend is not interested in my friend but they get along.

 

She falls for me pretty hard, sobs as we part and says she wants to see me again "soon" (I'm in SoCal, she's in Vancouver). I was planning a snowboarding trip to Whistler a few months later, but she says "sooner". At that point it was a fling for me, but I did like her and said "sure, why not?". We stay in touch, she schedules a flight for the next month and now it gets interesting...

 

1 week before she arrives my younger brother (21 y/o) has an unexpected cardiac arrest due to a heart defect we had no idea he had... we are best friends. I leave Cali to be with my fam for the next 6 months. I inform her, she is a nurse, we talk every day, more and more each day (up to 10+ hrs) for the first month (skype video chat). My bro was in a coma in that time, we were told there was no shot, amazingly he awoke (with severe brain damage). Over that time I bonded with her like you wouldn't believe and tell her that I want to be with her... she's ecstatic and says that is all she ever wanted.

 

I ask the worst question ever... "did you get with anyone in our time apart?". She lies, its obvious, then confesses. I was hurt, then I learn it was a bar makeout with a random guy she barely spoke to, 3 days after I told her about my bro and her first night off work and at the bar... this after many heart-felt convos in which I told her how lucky I was to have her and she says she's been looking for me her whole life. I'm CRUSHED. She says "I needed a distraction from you... I was obsessed with you and needed you out of my mind because given the situation, I didn't think we had a chance... I thought hooking up with some other guy would accomplish that... It didn't" (my therapist said this is complete BS btw)

 

Now the madness... I couldn't imagine how someone could do that... and so soon! I rationalize that if I ask about her past, I can get a better sense of who she REALLY is (yes, I know better now)... boyfriends one after another her whole life (4) only month-ish breaks in between, with hookups and sex with additional guys between bfs, sexually active since 15. Last bf was a 6.5 yr relationship and she's been "single" for just over a yr... In that time she was with ~20 different men maybe more (orig. she says 8, then more, more, more, I counted 15 and later on she says "Of course I didn't tell you everything"). I ask details (yeah... I know) Supposedly sex with only 2, oral with 4, rest were handjobs (do those even exist at this age? she's 28 btw) or makeouts. Of note, she is very kinky in bed, so I have a hard time believing her. I also come to find the last guy she was sleeping with (few months before we met) was a 20 y/o metal band drummer and short order cook. She says "I went after all those guys", "I'm a go-getter, I see something I want and I go get it", "I didn't want a bf", "I have no regrets, I wanted to do it and learned alot in the process", "I was drinking heavily during that time and now realize I have always needed male attention and cannot be alone", "I'm different now and will never go back", "I'm looking for a husband now", "I realize I was easy... I wasn't trying to be hard to get"... okay... many valid points but...

 

Our relationship dragged out 7 brutal months (only 1 month after I returned home) but we managed to see each other every few weeks, a week or so at a time. I would leave my family's side to see her (met at my place in Cali 3 times, 1 Vancouver trip, she even came to meet my fam once). She may be the flirtiest woman I've ever known in my life (note: known, not seen). Flirted heavily with other (random) men when we went out. Example - we went to a hip-hop club once in ATL... she's Canadian and doesn't see much of that... the place is a dump, loud, crowded but fun... she says "babe, don't leave me alone in here"... as we were leaving I lead the way out while holding her hand... some guy with his hood up and wearing sunglasses in the club cuts her off and hits on her aggressively... she drops my hand and engages him... smiling, laughing, swinging her hair, playing the "please let me get by... what did you say?.. I can't hear you, haha" game... all while I watch from a distance until she is done... 2 mins or so. I also notice her scanning the room at other times and sort of posing at the bar (like if I'm returning from the bathroom), tells me from time to time "All these guys are checking me out".

 

She also disclosed all our relationship info to her ex - 6.5 yr relationship guy. She left him for someone else and he did not know this. She told him she needed to "find herself" (by hooking up with a new guy every couple weeks for over a year?) They would get dinner, drinks as "friends" after the breakup... they even slept together after they both knew he began a new relationship. BUT he was waiting for her to come back, would tell her that his new gf is nothing like she was and that he would drop her the moment she wanted him back. They spoke every couple weeks. Says "he was my best friend and will be part of my life forever but I don't want him as a bf".

 

When we were apart she would bring up interactions with men on her nights out... "he was trying to get me to leave with him", "some girl made out with this guy while I was talking to him", "guys are hitting on me all night", "I saw this guy checking me out all night so I went over and asked him why he's so shy and we talked for a good while... he kept getting in my personal space", etc. AND she also lied to me about STD testing before we had unprot sex, luckily she was clean.

 

The entire relationship was toxic - I verbally abused her for the random bar hookup, her past, each time I heard another story re: her flirty behaviours, her baggage: "slut", "pedafile" (for the 20 y/o), "bar whore", "you're the reason guys go to the bar", "willing, able and easy", etc. I was so emotionally unstable at that time - her, my brother, a career transition. These are NOT excuses for my behaviour, I deeply regret my viciousness towards her... It is UNACCEPTABLE... I did not know any better. I didn't have the strength to leave her nor could I get over the issues at hand... it was the only way I knew how to cope.

 

I finally left her 6 weeks ago after she told me "So I ran across the bar and grabbed this guy's cool necklace... I didn't see his wife next to him and she was PISSED". I felt this was way over the top, not the way I want any gf of mine to behave and the last straw. Since the breakup my life has been a mess, I'm very depressed... a shadow of myself. My bro has made an amazing recovery but is permanently disabled and must now live with my parents. I also have not worked since August and nearly out of money (6 months with my fam for support, only leaving visit her, returned to Cali last month).

 

Just before we split she finally decided to take a break from talking to her ex b/c she needed closure, admitted to having baggage and it wasn't appropriate in a relationship (I told her this from the get go). Also said that she "doesn't mean to be flirty but can't change overnight... give her some time", "I'm just bubly, outgoing and a total extrovert". Says my issue with her flirtatiousness is me being insecure. I have received extensive therapy and I know I have more issues in life right now than just this relationship. I know that her past is none of my business, I volunteered to hear it... and boy was it UGLY. We should take people at face value, not judge them on the past.

 

I deleted her off facebook a couple weeks ago b/c I was looking at her profile every day, NOT healthy... she even has the nerve to take jabs at me with her status update a week after the breakup "I'm pumped about going out with my girls tonite... and will try to remember not to grab any necklaces :)" she then calls me to ask why (we didn't speak for a month since the breakup b/c she told me never to call her unless I wanted to get back together, we can't be friends b/c she likes me so much). Tells says "Why the F did you delete me off facebook?", "You never liked me or you would show compassion and understanding and see that I'm trying to be a better person for the sake our relationship", "I still want to be friends, we went through alot together", "I love SD and eventually want to move there". Without me asking she says "Don't worry I don't want to get back together", "I'm so much happier now". I can't blame her, I beat her up with words.

 

There are a few more significant details, but this is turning into a novel. However I would like thoughts re: her behaviour since we officially became a couple. I know my verbal battery was unacceptable, unable to react in a healthy way. I should either accept and move on never to bring it up again, or part ways peacefully. I chose to live in misery.

 

I do care for her deeply. We are a great fit as individuals, enjoy many of the same things, have similar philosophies on life, spirituality, children, etc. She supported me in my weakest moment, gave her time, spent money to visit, really gave up a significant portion of her life to pursue our relationship. She is very loving when we are together, she is cute and thoughtful... I could see a future with her. I felt as if the universe somehow brought us together just in time when I needed it the most.

 

I just feel that too much damage has been done and that no self-respecting person would wait for someone to learn how not to flirt... she's 28!! Wait for her to drop her baggage. Wait for her not to need male attention above and beyond our relationship. Am I being uncompassionate? rigid? overly demanding? Minus the issues discussed, there's an amazing amount of potential between us... I think the connections that make relationships wonderful are there but fundamentals are not - no room for baggage and flirting. Trust, respect and honesty are non-existent. Thoughts?

[NopeNah]

You should RUN!! Far and fast! You, in my opinion, didn't "beat her up with words". Looks to me like you said what/how you felt about her inapropriate behaviour. She sounds like any other "bar fly" i've ever been involved with. Trashy! They can be the most beatiful girls in the world yet, have zero class,tact, or respect for others. We all know what needs to happen with trash...set that sh*t by the curb! Goodluck