Ex is making me physically ill

[desertsun09]

Has anyone taken a breakup this hard?

 

My ex broke up with me over a month ago and I haven't handled it well at all. I've tried NC, but it seems like for one reason or another, we've been communicating.

 

I have had to seek therapy, visit a medical doctor who has prescribed meds that essentially knock me out and numb me, I've taken leave from work, and want to sleep all day so I can stop my brain from ex bf overload and constant analyzation of our past relationship. I have anxiety attacks, crying fits, and my hands shake and I have difficulty breathing as well. It's hard for me to hold conversations and I cry at a drop of a hat.

 

He IM'd me last night and said that he jsut wanted to check and see if I was okay and that "he'd be in touch". Hearing from him made me sick to my stomach because it was clear that i am nothing more to him than someone he feels guilty about and has no interst in dating anymore, and I am in true physical pain from this breakup. I have never had someone treat me in such a terrible way. I won't even go into all of the details as to the events that took place when he broke up with me, but trust me, I didn't deserve to be treated the way he treated/treats me and I just can't get over this. I just don't know how to move on.

 

I made the stupid move of going on his Facebook. I found that he is now friends with this girl he used to be very in love with a few years ago but she rejected him and he was always obsessed with her. Now my mind is racing, wondering if he was cheating on me with her all this time? Are they dating now? Are they just friends? I want to stop torturing myself, but its like an addiction. I want to do what nofoolin says (or maybe it was caliguy) and realize that I can't handle what he's up to...but it's seriously like an addiction.

 

My family is begging me to come home (I currently live in another country) as they are worried for me and really think that I need to be with them for emotional support. I must admit, I'm worried about myself too. I have good friends here and somewhat of a support, but there's nothing like family.

 

Any advice on whether i should go home? Has anyone else been affecting physically this way?

 

xx

[boogieboy]

Eventually the wondering will taper off with time, but you have to try to distract yourself with different things. You also have to stop letting him get in touch with you. That is the worst. You need to cut him off for your own health, seriously.

[asuman]

I've dealt with your situation before and it is terrible. But you really do need to heed the advice you'll read here, and cut off all contact from him. Are you viewing his Facebook profile because you're FB friends with him, or are you not friends with him and his profile is viewable by the whole public? If you're FB friends with him, delete the friendship. If his profile is publicly viewable, you will simply need to be more disciplined and stop looking at it of your own accord. Delete your own FB account if need be. Take the anxiety you're feeling and channel it into something positive and healthy. When I feel anxiety like this (and I do right now about a girl I'm dating), I use exercise as my fuel to burn it off. I may feel stressed out about a situation but at least I'm toning up my buns and looking sexier every day.

[scaredandinlove]

When my ex and I of 5 years split up, it was extremely hard. He cheated on me with a girl he met online. I also had his passwords for literally everything, and checked his stuff often after we split. It was really hard for me to see the messages, pictures, etc. I finally realized to just stop doing it, that it was only hurting me more. When I stopped, it was almost like I was letting go of anything else I had on him (from my end, because the idiot that he was, was still attached and begged me to take him back).

 

I hope that's how you will feel too! Like you're letting go completely of him.

[desertsun09]

Thanks guys. I hope I can feel like that one day....

 

One positive though, when I looked at his Facebook pictures (from before), I actually thought he looked heinous! That's a good sign, right?

[vizno]

from my experience, NC is the best way. My first breakup I kept trying to call my ex gf all the time afterwards, telling her I didn't want it to end this way, to see her one more time, it was terrible. My second one, I went NC. It was very difficult to do, but I told myself I would commit to it, and I did. It takes a very strong mind to do it, but it was worth it (or I hope so anyways..)

 

I hope you can do it, I know you can

[adamt]

I'm in my 3rd week of a break up. I would recommend joining a gym like i have. I have noticed a difference this week because of it. it will help to break up the evenings. improve your sleep and you feel physically tired rather than mentally all over the place. Something to focus on yourself and get you into a routine. it does make you feel better

[RosyDay]

I'm going through a rough time myself. I carried the relationship for a year because his life was chaotic. I stayed and waited for him to get his life back together and after a terrible argument...he just left. Within 7 days he was dating someone else. I cried and I cried. I couldn't stand up straight to walk down the street. My best friend had to hold me up. I felt like I was going to die....the mental anguish I was going through was that bad. This man told me again and again that he loved me. Seven days after our argument, he told me he didn't love me any more and that he was over me. It was the worse emotional pain I have ever felt in my life. I started to get involved in charities. I only have one friend where I am now, but he is a wonderful friend. To brighten my days, I started to form pen pal relationships in my country and other countries. Last night, I had a set back and I called him. HIs life is finally together now and he is sharing it with someone else. It was like he just deleted me from his life. All the compassion and patience I showed him seemed to mean nothing to him. He just threw me away like an old newspaper.

 

After I got off the phone with him, I cried so hard I got a head ache and had trouble breathing. My roomate reminds me to breathe slowly. I feel better just by visiting this website and letting my feelings out.

[Exit]

Many people, on some level, enjoy being in pain. We know when we go look at an ex's MySpace or Facebook, we are welcoming pain into our lives. One little piece of our brain might think "there's going to be something that says he misses me on there!" but for the most part, we know we are only welcoming pictures of them with a new person, comments from a guy/girl who seems to be flirting with them etc. You are bringing it upon yourself.

 

I am no better, but in a way I am blessed because my ex's MySpace is private. I still check it to see the last time that she has logged on and if her "headline" says anything interesting, but I know one day I am going to click and it is going to be a picture of her with another guy. I need to stop.

 

Some people say it's unhealthy, but in a way it can actually be part of a healthy grieving process. Sometimes you want to find out some bad news so you can cry, and further realize that your relationship is over. Sometimes you need to know that the person isn't thinking of you. Sometimes you need a hard dose of reality that they are already dating. But if you are checking up on them every day for months at a time, you need to break the habit.

[Thornton]

I've experienced something like this. I couldn't focus on work, wanted to sleep all the time, became incredibly antisocial and would just sit in the house looking at photos and crying while I listened to sad music. I wouldn't even answer the phone or the door, and because I was working from home at the time I often wouldn't see another human being for 3-4 days at a time. I personally think I had some kind of nervous breakdown.

 

Because I had become very reclusive in my real life, I started making friends online through Second Life, MySpace, World of Warcraft, online dating... just to have people in my life who would talk to me and ease the pain and loneliness. I met a really nice guy online who helped me work through stuff, and having found a new man eased the pain a lot.

 

Eventually I realised that the guy I was so hung up on wasn't even a nice person, because no nice person would treat me the way that he did. I realised I was pining for a guy I made up in my mind, a guy who was very similar to my ex but who was a whole lot nicer to me, and it wasn't real - this guy in my mind was not my ex, when I actually think about it my ex was a d1ck who treated me like $hit. As time passed I came to despise my ex for his behaviour, and I wondered how I could ever have been such an idiot to pine after someone who was essentially one of the nastiest people I ever met. The person I thought he was, the person I loved, was just a mirage I created in my mind, a mirage which bore little resemblance to the heartless evil swine he really was. I loved him, but I made a mistake in loving him - I was totally taken in by his lies, my judgment was clearly skewed and it took me some time to see him as he really was. I still sometimes feel a pang of longing and regret, and I have to remind myself that I'm longing for something that never existed except inside my head.

[Exit]

Eventually I realised that the guy I was so hung up on wasn't even a nice person, because no nice person would treat me the way that he did. I realised I was pining for a guy I made up in my mind, a guy who was very similar to my ex but who was a whole lot nicer to me, and it wasn't real - this guy in my mind was not my ex, when I actually think about it my ex was a d1ck who treated me like $hit.

 

I have come to a similar realization and I think many people need to try taking this step. This is why some people suggest writing down all the bad things your ex did to you. It's natural when someone leaves that you suddenly think of them as the greatest person in the world, but it's not true. I've had to remind myself of the other times my ex wanted to "take a break", and she made it a complete ultimatum. Twice in our relationship she told me "either let me take a break, or it's over now". So I had no choice but to give in. And I told her I would never give her an ultimatum like that. Those weeks apart from her were the worst times in my life. Especially after the first time she came back and apologized and said she would never do it again! Reminding myself that she treated me like a toy that could be set aside when she got bored with it has made it a little easier to move on.

 

There are other things like the fact that I spent my entire relationship asking her not to leave her cellphone on silent, sometimes emergencies happen and you need to answer the phone at night. There were countless times where she would call me for a ride somewhere, or call me when her car died and she was stranded, and I asked her how she would feel if my phone was on silent and I never noticed her calling. But after asking her a million times, every time I tried to reach her, I couldn't.

 

Despite knowing these bad things about her, it's still hard. I know she did so many things wrong but I know I did too. Most days I still want her back. Some days I remind myself of enough bad things that I realize I don't want her. It's not easy....

[desertsun09]

Thanks, you guys are awesome!

 

Asuman/Adamit - My friend actually dragged me to a swimming class tonight. I reluctantly went, but after an hour of swimming, I forgot about my troubles for a while. Plus, the swimming instructor said he was going to try and fix me up with one of his buddies at the gym! LOL; I don't think I'm quite ready for that yet, but it was nice of him to offer.

 

Rosyday/Thornton - I'm sorry that happened to you. I understand the feeling of being tossed aside like an old newspaper. And hope I can get to the point where I can finally see his true colors as well. Right now, I'm so in it, its hard for me to see what everyone else clearly sees, but I'm hoping in time I can get there. The stupid thing is, that if I were my best friend were in my situation, I'd tell her to drop him like a sack of potatoes and move on....but for some reason, I'm stuck!

 

Exit - I've actually written a list of all the things I hated about him and the mean ways he treated me. My kitchen has become sort of my command center. So I've taped all of those terrible quality lists to my kitchen walls just to remind me what a douche he is. The picture of who he really is is slowing coming together, it's just fighting those rose colored glasses tendancies that is so hard. I'll keep on keepin' on though.

 

Thanks everyone!

desert xx