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Know it can't work but why does it still hurt?


Breaks and Breaking Up It happens to most everyone at some point in life! Share your experiences!

Old 15th February 2009, 4:23 PM   #1
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Know it can't work but why does it still hurt?

Why is it that even after you know that you can't be together (ex says he love me but doesn't feel "it" with me), does it still hurt so much to let that person go? I don't want him to settle for me so I think the breakup was a good thing, but why does it still hurt so badly? Does it being a good relationship and us not breaking up over something stupid (i.e. like hurt feelings or anger or a fight) make it even harder. It was one of the most mature breakups I ever had. We both agreed that the path forward (to break up) was the right thing to do, so why does this still hurt so badly?
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Old 15th February 2009, 4:55 PM   #2
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Hey prim&proper. I just had a similar break up, except it was me who didn't know if I wanted a future with him, so maybe I can offer you a bit of the other perspective. We had a very mature break up as well in which after a lot of discussion he made it clear that I needed to feel more certain about a future with him, and I made it clear that I couldn't be certain, so it ended. It's certainly not that I don't love him or that I don't enjoy being with him, but I've had doubts for a while if he's a good match for me because of differences and such. Our break-up had no bitterness, anger, etc, just the realization on both sides that it was over.

I think there's something deeply sorrowful about mature break ups. It makes it so you can't cope with your pain by being angry or spiteful toward the other person. You just have to feel the entire depth of the pain and sorrow over the loss. I know something that my ex's friends told him to help him was that he deserved to be with someone who really wanted to be with him and not someone who was simply willing to be with him. As much as I hate this break up and as much as I miss him, I think maybe they're right. So just keep telling yourself that there's someone better for you out there and there's someone better for him as well. It just wasn't meant to work out.

I know it's still hard to deal with though. I definitely know!! If you ever want to talk, let me know.
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Old 16th February 2009, 1:02 AM   #3
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Thanks haley121, that was very helpful. Thanks for your perspective. The thing that makes it so hard is that he admits that I check ever box that he requires and that I was the best relationship he has ever had. We have the basis for a very strong relationship, but he said that something was missing but he doesn't know what it was. He first thought it was bc we didn't have a deep connection, so we broke up. But we got back together 2 weeks ago and we were able to have this deep connection, but he said that after he got that he realizes that something was still not there. He doesn't know what it is, just that he never felt like he was heads over heels in love with me. This is his only doubt about our relationship. I've come to accept that whatever the reason if he doesn't feel it, he doesn't feel it, but it's still so hard bc if it was a bad relationship or if there were reasonable doubt, I would understand.
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Old 17th February 2009, 1:50 AM   #4
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Yeah, that IS hard. I think that sometimes we need to pay attention to our gut instincts though. It seems like that's what he did. In fact, usually our instincts have to be yelling at us before we'll listen, so he probably didn't take that feeling lightly. It's most likely something that bothered him for a while and something he thought through carefully. That "something" that's missing is most likely his subconscious's way of saying that there was something about your relationship that wasn't right for him. It's not your fault and it's not his fault. That's just the way it is. I can understand, however, that it must be difficult and frustrating when you don't know exactly WHAT is wrong.

If you think about it though, you don't want to end up with someone forever who only sees you as fulfilling a checklist. At least he was mature enough to be up front with you about it and strong enough to end what he knew was not going to work for him. Like I said, you will find someone more right for you--someone who is thrilled to be with you, whether or not you fulfill his checklist Keep thinking about that. Focus on the positive things happening in your life. Take each day as it comes, and you will be OK.
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