Committment Phobe

[Prettyinblack]

OMG, I thank the Lord for this forum and for having a place to vent!!!

The b/f and I have had a long standing issue around the amount of time he makes for the relationship....it has been an issue and it is still an issue.

Three weeks ago we came to an argreement that we would spend Saturday and Sunday nights together....forsure. With the occasional night during the week, thrown in here and there. We have argued over this issue forever.

And I said to him that if we lived together, it just wouldn't be an issue....and dropped it because he has committment issues.....Even as I said that, I said ,

"Now, I don't wnat you to freak out....not even slightly....not externally or internally...ok??" and then I said "it". lol

So he didn't freak out for about 2 weeks. Then the 'rumblings' began.....picking at little things.....all of a sudden, he is going to change his drink of choice that he drinks at my house, a voracious sexual appetite, not as 'huggy' though.....not as much eye contact, an increase in 'busy-ness' throught the week and at work so it's hard to talk to him on the phone....All the signs.

Then on Sundy moring, he tells me he is going to stay home that night to 'record'(READ: MUSICIAN), and I said, well, we came to an agreement three weeks ago and I've held up my end of the deal....I think you should too.

He went home and I called him at 6:05 pm to tell him supper would be ready for 7:30 and after 2 phone calls he said he wasn't coming.

I told him I was so angry that I couldn't even speak to him......he broke an agreement and his response was, "tracey, don't lay this on me...." Urgh!

He is luckyhe didn't show up at my house because I am afraid I would have beat the living S*** out of him.

He was supposed to call me back, but no call. I find it amazing that we are making plans for Easter at his parents and discussing where we are going for summer vacation. URGH! I am at my wits end.

[amaysngrace]

So I don't get it...you two don't live together or what? Are you making plans to live together? Is this why you're fighting?

 

Personally I think it's wrong for you to tell him how to feel about what you're ready to say to him. That's pretty unfair actually. It sounds rather controlling of you.

 

Of course he's gonna try to fight for control if he feels like he's being controlled. That's probably why he didn't show up or call the other night. To gain some control back because to him maybe it feels like you're calling all the shots. It's his life too.

 

Did you ever sit with him and discuss with him what he thinks is best? Or do you just say what's best for you and tell him he better be okay with it? Do you give him the chance to be heard?

 

I think you should really sit back and see how your actions are contributing to his reactions. And vice versa. See how you react to his actions.

 

Apparently what is happening is not productive to your relationship. Perhaps it's time to do things differently?

[Prettyinblack]

I appreciate your input....I have tried to do things differently...I am not being selfish and only thinking of my needs...I have been with this man for 5 1/2 years and have supported him in ANYTHING that he chooses to do. I think I am at my witts end, because it is always about him. A relationship is like a garden, water the heck out it and pull the weeds for a bountiful crop. Don;t do that and it will die and shrivel away.

Maybe I hadn't explained myself very well the first post. We came to an agreement 3 weeks to a month ago that we would spend Saturday and sunday nights together. We both have busy schedules but he has way more fexibility than I do in terms of 'work'. He works days and I work like hell from Mon-Thursday......days and nights... However, I am always available after 9 pm and am off 3 days per week. He works days, is off on Wednesdays. You mean to tell me that something can't be worked out? That is what we(I) was trying to do.

No, we don't live together! We should be at that point....everytime we get loving and safe with one another, he pulls a boner and then says he doesn;t want to fight! Or he says that things "just aren't working out, are they??" That is the ultimate in control. It holds me hostage to never being able to raise any issue for fear he will bail. He sets it up. After being with someone for 5 1/2 years, you know how to piss them off and start an argement....I know how to do it and so does he.

So, we made this agreement and then he doesn't follow through. I have an issue with that. It may sound controlling, but it is an old issue with him not being able to follow through. "Well, there are other things I want to do".....ouch!

How on earth can someone make a committment and stick to it, when they can't follow through on an agreement made three weeks prior?

He called last night at 10:30 but I was sleeping. He lets the machine play through and then jut hangs up. I am so sick of this crap.

[amaysngrace]

All I can tell you is to stay true to you. Weigh it out and see if it's bringing you more down than up.

 

I find that when things get real rocky, taking a breather is what helps me the most.

 

If I were you I wouldn't give him all your free time. I'd start making plans to do something else. This way he'll have to make an effort to see you instead.

 

Don't organize your time together anymore. Let him do it. Too bad for him if he thinks of it last minute and you aren't available.

 

It's better to go out and have fun than to stress around him anyway.

 

And even though he should know your scheduled time off by now, be prepared not to see him for a week or two.

[Prettyinblack]

Thanks so much for the support and for hearing me. Sometimes it just helps to get things out your head and have someone else reflect it back. I think that I will do what you suggested and just plan my own life. If he wants to catch up, he will. If not, oh well.