Should shy people just give up on trying to date?

[Cora]

Met this guy online and chatted with him for several days before he gave me his number. We texted back and forth and had some awesome conversations. We seemed to of had a lot in common and even he admitted that. He asked to meet up in person. I have turned guys down in the past due to being too shy and scared to meet, but decided to try this time to get out of my comfort zone. I did tell him beforehand that I’m very shy and was nervous about meeting him. He told me that was fine because he’s shy too.

 

We met for coffee and I will admit I was a bottle of nerves. He even told me he was more nervous than he thought he would be, but I couldn’t tell. Anyway, we ended up having a nice conversation and I really enjoyed myself. He walked me to my car when it was over and told me how he really had a nice time meeting me and asked if I’d be interested in going out again. I told him I had a lovely time as well and definitely would be interested in seeing him again. He text me immediately after I got home saying again he had a good time. He asked if I’d like to go to a hockey game sometime and I told him I would. We stayed up chatting over text very late into the night. We texted more throughout the day yesterday and last night he asked if I wanted to FaceTime? I’m not one who likes talking on the phone because it’s awkward for me especially when I don’t know a person all that well. But I agreed and we talked. It was awkward as I had expected. He did most of the talking and I felt bad. I just didn’t know what to say and felt like I was put on the spot.

 

Today he texts me saying he doesn’t think we are the best match because while we have great conversations over text, I’m a totally different person face to face. He said he feels I’m too nervous and closed off around him and that I was struggling to keep eye contact let alone talk to him. He said he likes someone who can engage in conversation. Sigh...I just feel like this has always been my limitation when it comes to dating and relationships. Usually I never make it to a relationship let alone a second date. I’ve been ghosted many times in the past and I can’t help but feel like it’s because I’m too shy. I do eventually warm up to people once I get to know them, but it takes me awhile and I feel like I’m never given the chance to show how great I can be.

 

I don’t know how to fix this or even if I can. I guess I got my hopes up with him and now I’m just very disappointed. Rejection sucks and I know it’s just a part of life and I will go through it probably many more times. I just feel like this is the root cause of my failed dating experiences and why bother dating if it’s just going to keep happening? I mean why would anyone want to date someone who can’t open up to them? I totally get it. But are us shy people just doomed to be alone? Should we just give up on trying to date?

[Foxhall]

Not to worry Cora, you will meet the right guy yet,

 

 

the first date can be a pressurised situation, more so than it needs to be I think,

a more casual outlook not having any great expectations and giving things a chance to develop would be a better mindset

 

and as you point out it is harder for shyer people,

 

at any rate, this chap did not appear able to put you at ease, so you can only open up more once you feel comfortable with the person,

 

so keep trying anyway, there will be other more suitable guys out there,

 

some other thread there a week or two ago, put forward the A to Z guide for conversation, think of a topic for each letter-

A for apple or awkward and so on and build a conversation on the basis of that,

 

not a bad system perhaps,

[alphamale]

But are us shy people just doomed to be alone? Should we just give up on trying to date?

 

No and No. A lot of people are shy when it comes to dating. The more often you do something the easier it gets. Learn from your set backs. See a therapist or psychiatrist if you think they will help or prescribe medications.

 

I was very very shy with girls up until I graduated college and got a proper job

[d0nnivain]

Shyness can be overcome. You have to master some skills & practice. Join a group like toastmasters, which is really for public speaking, but it can help in social settings. Develop a good handshake. Learn how to give good eye contact. If you have the money take a professional class in this; a good one is Dale Carnegie's How to Win Friends and Influence People. It's really a game changer for people who think they are too shy. They take you through social interactions at baby steps. It is expensive though.

[chillii]

Nooo, your not done yet by a long shot.

known a few shy people over years but they've really come into their own later on eventually. One was my very first gf and so did she, she's been married with kids for years , your time will come it just needs the right guy.

See in your other thread you use to enjoy it , you'll find that again just takes time. Sounds like you've done a great job in getting yourself up and at it again and meanwhile some of the things here could help a lot too.

Edited June 18, 2019 by chillii

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Shyness can be overcome. You have to master some skills & practice. Join a group like toastmasters, which is really for public speaking, but it can help in social settings. Develop a good handshake. Learn how to give good eye contact. If you have the money take a professional class in this; a good one is Dale Carnegie's How to Win Friends and Influence People. It's really a game changer for people who think they are too shy. They take you through social interactions at baby steps. It is expensive though.

 

This is great advice. And you might even meet someone in the class with the same struggles as you, OP.

 

Dale Carnegie courses are wonderful.

[alphamale]

Dale Carnegie courses are wonderful.

 

I took the DC course 15 years ago. It was quite an experience. Learned a lot - especially about "living outside the box" and public speaking

[preraph]

No, don't give up. That's the opposite of what you should do. Practice is how you get over debilitating shyness.

 

You did the exact right thing on the first date admitting you were nervous. Most guys do not mind that at all and they are also usually nervous so it can be a bonding moment.

 

Don't worry about why he decided you weren't right. These guys on the internet are looking at the bodies of strangers and projecting onto them the ideal person in their head that they want them to be. It's their own doing when inevitably, you aren't that person, because no one is that person.

 

It's just a sign they aren't very experienced or mature or they'd already realize that person doesn't exist and not to make assumptions about someone's personality until they meet them and then be open minded.

 

It's also possible he was hoping you were going to be the girl who delivers pizza in a porno and will just suddenly come on to him and he won't have to do anything. You don't want that guy either because that means again no experience in reality and only knows anything from fantasy.

 

So don't worry about it. Keep going out, keep saying you're nervous. Try to keep smiling periodically so they don't start getting scared you hate them. Don't do anything you don't want, and one day you'll meet one you feel more comfy with.

 

I am pretty gregarious, but when a teen, I had a crush on a guy two years older and he offered to drive me home from French club one night. He stopped and we got a Coke (which back then was a mini-date) and on the way home, I was so nervous, my hand was shaking and you could hear the ice rattling in my Coke. So embarrassing. I got over all that. You will too.

[alphamale]

I am pretty gregarious, but when a teen, I had a crush on a guy two years older and he offered to drive me home from French club one night. He stopped and we got a Coke (which back then was a mini-date) and on the way home, I was so nervous, my hand was shaking and you could hear the ice rattling in my Coke. So embarrassing. I got over all that. You will too.

 

yes I remember you posting about this

[Michelle ma Belle]

All the more reason to amp up your game.

 

You can't continue to shut yourself off from men. I understand dating is challenging when you're shy but it's important and healthy to push yourself out of your comfort zone from time to time.

 

As already said, you can overcome it or at the very least, get a little more comfortable but you can't if you don't actually DO IT.

 

Rejection sucks big time. But we've all been through it. It's not reserved for the shy our socially awkward so take comfort knowing you're not alone on that frontier.

 

I think he made some valid points you should consider and try to work on with each date you accept from now.

 

It will all work out in the end. Don't let this discourage you.

[The Outlaw]

You've already taken your first step into a larger world by stepping outside of your comfort zone when you were willing to meet him. But dating takes time and while it you any of us can be a bottle of nerves, practice makes perfect. Take a deep breath, ease up a little, listen, engage, smile, make eye contact and talk back. If someone offers you their hand, take it and give them a firm squeeze and look at them in the eyes. This projects confidence. And think positive thoughts, like, 'I can make this work'. Try putting yourself in a social setting with friends as much as you can until you feel more comfortable. Go to a class on how to become more at ease with social anxiety/shyness. But I don't think you should throw in the towel at all just because you're shy, a lot of us probably still are. It's nothing anyone can't overcome that puts their minds to it.

[MeadowFlower]

 

Today he texts me saying he doesn’t think we are the best match because while we have great conversations over text, I’m a totally different person face to face. He said he feels I’m too nervous and closed off around him and that I was struggling to keep eye contact let alone talk to him.

 

Far out give the girl a chance. Stuff him Cora.

 

I am a shy person as well, but more so I am a closed person.

 

I guess the more practise you get it may help with shyness. But you shouldn't have to change yourself entirely, to get someone to like you.

[guest569]

It's normal to be a little nervous on a first date, but you still had good conversations and enjoyed yourself. So I don't think you need to change yourself or 'overcome' anything. The guy is a bit of a douche for blaming you. That's just his opinion, so I wouldn't put much stock in it. Personally I would be petrified Face Timing someone I just met once, especially a guy that I am keen on! I am more scared of phones and video chats than face to face. I would probably struggle to come up with conversations after just having had the first date and texting PLUS the nerves. Don't sweat it.

[Veronica73]

Kudos to you for at least FaceTiming. I’d be really nervous and awkward doing that with someone I barely know too.

 

Did you ask him why he didn’t want to see you again? If you didn’t ask, I think it was kind of a dick move to blame you.

 

Don’t give up. The more you do it, the easier and more comfortable you will get.

[JEG88]

I thought that way for a long time through my 20s. I have several social issues going on - shyness, introvertedness, social anxiety.

 

Getting into OLD a few years ago and meeting people at past jobs (who I don't directly work with) were great avenues for me when I was first putting myself out there. Wouldn't be with my current GF without these experiences.

 

It is definitely scary, but every step after the first only gets "easier" to keep pushing your comfort zone.

[Cora]

Thanks all for the tips and advice! I will admit I am way too sensitive when it comes to rejection. I won’t lie, when he told me that, I was at work and I had to excuse myself to go to the bathroom and cry. Cried even harder once I got home....not so much because this random guy I just met rejected me, but because it seems like a never ending pattern. I’m just exhausted from trying and trying again only to see the same outcome. Don’t know how many more times I can go through this before I am just done. It makes me feel like I am flawed and just not meant to be a part of someone’s life. I am now remembering why I took two years off from dating....I never wanted to feel this pain again. I guess I just felt like since the first meeting with this guy went so well and he even asked to see me again.....I was relieved that I did it....it wasn’t so bad....and that I’d never have to go through another first meeting with him again and it would only get better...easier from here. I got my hopes up. It didn’t work out like I expected and I should have known better. Lesson learned.

 

We have talked since...he apologized for the way he handled things which I still don’t know why he was apologizing as he did nothing wrong....he was just honest. I told him I appreciated his honesty. He knows I had been ghosted before and he said he’d never do that to me. We talked for almost 2 hours on the phone tonight. Kind of cleared the air. We both agreed we’d at least like to be friends...If something more comes of it, great. We talked about possibly meeting up next week and doing something. He has his daughter this weekend so this weekend is out. He really is a great guy....just don’t know if he’s a great guy for me. I contemplated deleting my dating profile, but decided to leave it up and continue getting more comfortable with dating.

 

I also just got called for a job interview today....another thing yet I’m stressing about. Interviews and dating....the two things I fear most! Anxiety sucks! Lol

[MeadowFlower]

What's your starsign @Cora?

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

 

I also just got called for a job interview today....another thing yet I’m stressing about. Interviews and dating....the two things I fear most! Anxiety sucks! Lol

 

Yeah, it does . But congrats on the interview!

[JuneL]

If you don’t like doing facetime, just say you prefer to text or meeting in person. Personally I think it’s odd to do facetime as well. It’s not like you haven’t met and he wanted to see how you look like.

[d0nnivain]

Part if it is you need a thicker skin & better boundaries. Shyness isn't your problem. Instead, hold off getting invested until you have been dating for at least 2-3 months.

[Cora]

@MeadowFlower I’m a Scorpio.

[JuneL]

I also agree with others that one key is to practice more. So instead of turning down to meet with guys due to nervousness, you should try to meet as long as the guy is decent enough. Don’t place too much expectation; just think of it as a chance to meet a potentially interesting person and a chance to practice

[d0nnivain]

I suspect that your attachment style is driving this too. You are anxious & you are so afraid of getting hurt that when you finally get up the courage to meet if the guy is at all kind, you latch on & hold on for dear life hoping to avoid heartbreak. But it's too early / too soon / too intense for him & all your trying too hard is a turn off. You need to learn to be more aloof & detached. Not cold but not so intense that it scares guys away. Without meaning to or realizing it, you most likely give off a desperate vibe.

[ZA Dater]

Rejection is never nice, more so when you are shy (I am inherently shy) because shy people have to work so much harder to get dates in the first place.

 

One way which helped me slightly was to meet more people, it doesn't help shyness but it does allow you to figure out people better and gives you a better perspective.

 

You must never feel bad about yourself because there is no reason to. Dating will make you question everything about yourself but you shouldn't. Yes, be the best version you can be but never look at yourself as being bad.

[Cora]

I suspect that your attachment style is driving this too. You are anxious & you are so afraid of getting hurt that when you finally get up the courage to meet if the guy is at all kind, you latch on & hold on for dear life hoping to avoid heartbreak. But it's too early / too soon / too intense for him & all your trying too hard is a turn off. You need to learn to be more aloof & detached. Not cold but not so intense that it scares guys away. Without meaning to or realizing it, you most likely give off a desperate vibe.

 

I think you are exactly right actually! I do see this trend in my past and apparently it’s still happening. I don’t know why I do this. I don’t mean to come off that way.