Good listener but it works against me

[spiderowl]

I can see this pattern cropping up in relationships and I am wondering how to handle certain aspects of it.

 

I am a good listener: I always try to understand the other person, however difficult their accent might be. My aim is to understand and indicate that I do. To me, this is just basic good manners.

 

I find when I make contact with guys online, then at some point they want to talk on the phone. We talk, they usually tell me about themselves and definitely tend to talk more than me. At the end of the conversation, they feel they have had a really good chat and that we got on very well. I often come away feeling that, yes, they seemed nice, but we are still getting to know each other. I am a bit reserved and lacking in trust with strangers so I am more cautious. They often want to meet as soon as possible because we 'got on so well' and feel a real 'connection'.

 

The problem is that I still don't know this person. They don't know much about me, although they ask a few questions. They don't know how much effort I am making to understand them and their interests and that I don't necessarily get the same feeling of being understood and connected that they do.

 

Then, they want to meet and I am saying, er, when we get to know each other better, etc. I know this is not satisfactory for them because they have already decided they want to meet.

 

I seem to spend most of my life feeling misunderstood, or rather, not understood. I talk to people about things and they say yes, and then go off at a tangent which indicates they didn't 'get' what I said. I could be a poor verbal communicator, especially as I do give up quickly when it is clear they do not understand. The person I have most found understands me recently is an ex Uni Professor in a hard science field. We have some good conversations, although it is a bit of a struggle sometimes as he does like to chat. I am not physically attracted to him so that genuine connection is a friendship. Again though, we understand each other mainly on his ground (the science subject) and a few more others than is usual with most people.

 

Somehow, even with people I get on reasonably well with, I still don't feel the connection is sufficient. It feels one-sided and is moreso with someone I hardly know. Trying to hold off guys until I feel I know them better is not easy. They don't seem to realise that I am making more mental effort. Also, they are often more expressive about wanting to meet me, which makes me feel guilty that I am not being the same way. I really don't feel I know them, that is why.

 

I guess I don't know why I am having this issue repeatedly or how to manage it. I could just not bother talking to people unless I feel instant attraction and trust, but that would rule out most.

 

Does anyone else find this?

Edited June 1, 2019 by spiderowl

[chillii]

Well , ruling out most is smart, when l was single after 20yrs married l was still as fussy as ever and had zero interest in 99,9% of women , so who cares if l'm not interested why waste my time.

lt was worth the wait and l couldn't ask for more in my woman than what we have.

But on the listening thing yeah known a few like that , my ex w even , beautiful listener but she also spoke up whenever she felt like it too and that's the key l think.

l always noticed people would start taking advantage of her way until they realized she's a great listener but she also no fool and had plenty to say when she had plenty to say.

l watched a lot of people over years completely spin around when they realized it wasn't all their way.

But as far as a real relationship goes, you need someone where it does go both ways.

She couldn't be bothered with most people even in a friend sense but if it was someone she genuinely liked and the same with me , she bother and speak up and she could talk like hell once she got goin and it had to go both ways,

 

Probably something like what you've gotta do. When you do meet someone your really interested in speak up ,start showing him it's a two way street and if you still get along when it's not all his way , you might have something.

As for them wanting to meet so soon, take your time just tellem you'd rather talk a bit more first if they can't do that then they didn't have enough genuine interest in the first place.

Good luck anyway

Edited June 2, 2019 by chillii

[preraph]

Would it make you feel any better if you accepted a date and at the same time gave them a disclaimer? I mean don't lose sight of the fact that dating is how you get to know someone. You don't get to know them or think you are getting to know them by talking to them online or on the phone, because there is no guarantee. What happens is they will be more invested and you may be as well and then you meet them and there's no chemistry and the whole thing fizzles and someone gets hurt.

 

So remember that a date is not a commitment. A diet does not mean I know I like you. A date is just to get to know a person to see if you like them or not. So maybe you just say something to that effect. Yes, let's go on a date and get to know each other. I just think of dates as a way to see what person is like. That kind of makes it clear that a date is not any commitment to be romantic with them.

[Foxhall]

Id imagine you are a good friend Spiderowl,

 

your good at giving support,

 

but you also need support yourself,

 

oh wel it will come in time you will meet the person who will excite you, I dont think you need to change much,

 

perhaps take a few more chances.you mention meeting guys online,it is difficult to know what kind of chemistry there will be in person with the online people especially if you are more on the reserved side,

 

so try getting out more meeting people in real life, do fun things you enjoy and you may find it easier to meet your soulmate in that environment.

[Gretchen12]

You can't assume they want to meet you because they felt you understood them. People say things like they feel a connection etc. but don't take it literally. On some days, not always, I would have no problem going on a blind date with someone I have never communicated with before. I find everyone can be interesting. But I think you want to develop more of a connection before meeting. If that's the case then you can only expect to meet fewer men and in that sense nothing is working against you. It was your choice.

[spiderowl]

Thank you for your thoughts on this. It is very helpful. I wonder if I should speak up more, but then again I sense they are not really interested in my thoughts - one reason I tend to back off even though they feel they've had a good convo.

 

I suppose I often feel that there is no 'place' for the things I like to talk about or that I am interested in. There is also this other aspect that the guy wants to talk about dating and (sometimes) getting physical at some point, so their questions are about when/where to meet, likes and dislikes, and so on. I feel I'd like to be able to relate to them mentally and on an intellectual level first, otherwise that 'connection' is only about sex.